Regret being older mum

[Oldermumhum]

We started having kids quite late, first conceived at 31, born at 32, planning second DC at 34, probably would be born at 35. DP would be 40.
I really regret looking back that we kept worrying about money, buying house, career and delayed starting family so much. I want to have a third DC as well but we will be older 37, 42 by then.
Has anyone been in the same boat, how did you overcome regret?

i had mine at similar ages and I don’t consider myself to be an old mum.

@Oldermumhum

“One of the reasons for my post is that I chased career but I don't feel I am doing as well as I thought I will be doing and earning at 34 😕 So, I feel I might have been better off focussing more on growing my own family.”

well then, just think how little you’d be earning now if hasn’t have focused on building up your career.
we can’t have it all ways

@Amotherlife
I feel sad for people who have babies in their 20s. It's like they're barely grown up and have had no time to work out who they are or what they want from life. My 20s were halcyon days - had loads of fun, met lots of people and had lots of great experiences. Accidentally got pregnant at 24, and though it wasn't an easy choice, and I did feel sad about it for a while, I terminated as I felt I'd just started my proper adult life, being only 3 months into my first professional post. (And no thoughts of marrying my then boyfriend.)

I’m 28 and definitely do not feel like I’m “barely grown up”. I’m married to a wonderful husband, travelled well, good career (on mat atm) with my beautiful little boy. Definitely no need to feel sad for everyone who has children in their 20’s!

I had my first at 35 and second at 37. I don’t want a third, never had. I don’t regret having my kids at those ages.

You're not old at all! I had my first at 37, next one arrived when I was well into my 41st year (difficulties conceiving and miscarriages) .We had been together 10 years before having our first so we could have been much younger parents. My only regret is being acutely aware I might not be around for my children for as long as my parents have. I'm very worried about dying and leaving them young. I intend to do my best to stay active and healthy for a very long time. My first child is autistic so that's an added worry for if I die early. Apart from that, no regrets.

come on dear, you can't insult people and get miffed if they reply back. Your previous post was unpleasant and you don't like being called out about it.

Is your world that small?
MINE isn't, I can't speak for everyone however.

Jesus! I thought you were going to say you were mid 40s when you had your first!

I’m 37 and experiencing infertility, we’ve been trying for over a year and a half. DP is 57 and has 2 teenagers from his ex wife. I wish I was as lucky as you.

Where do you live that 31 and 32 is an older mum?

The average age for your first child is 31. You must know that?

I'm so sorry to hear this @MinnieMouse0 and I have to say I know some young women like you. Sold a dream of getting educated, getting a degree, travelling lots, climbing the corporate ladder, and/or working hard and scratting for a career in something you dreamed of... graphic design or fashion or media or law etc.....

They were fed this bullshit myth, that if you don't become a high achiever in any career, you're a failure. And women who stayed at home and had children (from an early-ish age,) and didn't get further education (uni degree, and a masters, and additional training etc,) were somehow beneath the career women.

Then they'd spend 8-10 years in said career, and be working next to some people who have 1 GCSE and came in on an apprenticeship, and are on as much money as them - or more. Before they know it, they're 32-33 and still single, after several 2 to 4 year relationships, which broke down because they put their 'career' first.

Now they're mid 30s, and single, living in a house share (as they can't afford to live alone,) and are feeling broody, with no chance of having children on the horizon. Their dream career is just a job, and a tedious one at that. Very few people have a brilliantly exciting and rewarding job or career that they absolutely LOVE and are paid very well for.

Not saying there is anything WRONG with being mid 30s and single and childless/childfree by the way, but the handful (7 or 8) young women I know aged 29 to 34 now, are unhappy with their choices now, and wonder if they made the right choice to put their 'career' first. Especially when they see their cousins, friends, and siblings married for 3 to 8 years (so far,) with one or two children. Some still working, some not (at the moment,) but they're having a decent life, and doing everything THEY are doing (the single childfree 30-somethings,) but they have a partner/husband, children, and a secure home as well.

Health and fertility wise mid to late 20's is ideal for pregnancy and birth.
However economically many couples cannot afford to start a family so early.
In todays climate I think its a juggling act and you have to make the best decision for your circumstances.
I had my first aged 26 and second aged 34.
I definitely had more energy in my 20's. We were pretty poor though. Dc 2 had life a bit easier than dc1.

I think your post is unfair @AlexaCanYouHearMe I have been married to DH for 9 years. Have a bachelors and masters degrees. I have a senior role and a decent earner. I don't think that there's any problem with some people prioritising their career. It's not a bad thing after all. It's just about each to their own, I thought I will be doing better than where I am, it doesn't means I am doing bad in career or similarly for other women.

You're quite young by modern standards. I was 35 and DH was 46, but we only met 5 years earlier, and wanted to live together and get married first.

Of course it would have been good to meet him earlier. I was quite lonely in my twenties and moved around a lot, a bit restless. On the plus side, we have stable jobs and a nice home. I feel grateful I have a career with good mat leave and works around the kids - I'm glad I built that up first. We are 47 and 58 now - and are parents are all in their 80s and need support, so that's hard, with a 9 and 11 year old.

What's the point in regretting it - by the time we met, it was either have kids or not!

I would try to be happy with what you have and accept your decisions and why you made them. You are still relatively young and sounds like you're able to have more children!

You not an older mum ..lol. you just below average age...i suppose I'm an older mum. .40s but love it. Age is a number and tbh I don't think anyone cares...

@EaudeJavel I'm starting to think you have some person grievance against typing parents. I take it you're @Amotherlife and had a name change fail. Your posts are increasingly bizarre.

You don't insult young women, claim your dad for them and accuse them of having a half life, then get pissy when they say 'oh dear' to you in response.

Yes, your life is sad. Unless you don't like your own dc and have a shit time, why would you assume parent younger than you do? Your telling on yourself here.

Perfectly happy having holidays and not travelling. Got it? You live in a small world.

31 wasn't late by any means to start a family and neither is 37 for having your third. I think your perception is off a bit here.

Your career will have had an impact at some point because you are in the moment in time now where promotions are granted and significant progression made - granted depending on your profession. You are taking time out for your kids on and off as well as the mental load of motherhood and work life balance.

But it will get easier overall and you have a solid base in your career today as well as balancing kids.

It's not either/or.

You might be older in your social circle, but you’re actually pretty average.

Evidence suggests those who wait to their 30s are financially more stable and this can make a big difference to the childhood kids experience.

Youre fortunate that you’ve met your life partner, we’re able to have kids when you wanted and are relatively secure. Many people would envy you this combination of things. Be grateful for what you have and options open to you.

I had 4 IVF to get my DD23. I was 33 when she was born. Am 56 now. Have 2 DS 17 & 18.
My biggest 'regret' in having them later is that I will have less time with them. Had I had them younger, I would know them for longer and my grandchildren would have me in their lives for longer. My relationship with my grandparents was so special and I wish it had lasted longer x

"Having a child later means you won't be around for them as long and being 50 with a teenager is less than ideal with menopause, cancer, elderly parents to care for."

Being 50 with a teenager can also mean patience, understanding, money, time, tolerance, and "been there, done that." But hey, the worst thing you can be on Mumsnet is over 50!!!

I'm surprised the age for being a first time mum is so high, round here it's definitely early 20s, so I sympathise OP.

These seem like pretty normal, even younger than average, ages in London at least. No regrets here having 1st baby in mid 30s

I had my 1st at 21, 4th at 27. I was so young looking back, but never tired and just bounced along with the chaos. It's been really nice that by 50, the kids had all grown up and moved out leaving DH and I in relative peace and free to live a better life now we've got spare funds. We live in a lovely home, drive decent cars and buy what we want without thinking about it. I also have a thriving career and didn't think twice about giving it up at the time.

I've also got 4 grandchildren. We're a huge part of their lives and I'm so proud to be able to share DD's childraising journey so actively with her. I'm not sure that I'd have been so actively involved if I was in my 60s/70s!

You never can tell with grandchildren, though. Both my sister and my brother became parents young, my sister at 24 and my brother at 28. Yet my sister only became a grandmother at age 66 because only her youngest has reproduced, and he was 37 when his son was born. Similar situation for my brother, whose daughter has just had her first at almost 39. So both have ended up being older grandparents than many who had left it later to have children. Perhaps you'll soon have grandchildren, but I wish you every joy, whenever they arrive.

It's not a difference of opinion though is it it?

Factually, 31 isn't an old mum.

Im an older mum and a nurse, i am seeing so so many cases of mothers in their late 40s early 50s being struck down with cancer and my anxiety is at an all time high. I would never recommend being an older mum.

I have no idea what you are on about.

Yes, your life is sad. ok then, if you say so 😂You stay in your little world with your little thoughts and little life my dear. Enjoy!