To step on MIL's toes?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

Not my MIL - my younger daughter's MIL.

I have 6 grandchildren. Both my daughters have three children.

I offer to buy their children's shoes as my own mother did for her grandchildren. She would put a set amount of money in a jar every week. I also do this - it's the shoe fund. 😬 (I'm aware it's bonkers.)

My younger daughter's MIL has told me that it is her tradition to buy her grandchildren's first pair of shoes. She took my daughter's oldest child to Clark's and had photos taken of her with the first pair of shoes. All good.

My younger daughter's twins have been walking since August and yesterday my daughter hinted at going to our usual shop for shoes as they are (obviously) wanting them for outside use for home and nursery. They have soft soled shoes (fabric) at the moment.

I said that her MIL could be upset if I go to the shoe shop for their first pair. But her MIL hasn't mentioned buying them at all. She had made a point of buying the older child's shoes so I'm thinking that she'll be upset if we buy some shoes which my daughter says they need. (Current shoes are on the small side now.)

She doesn't want to hint to MIL and appear cheeky. So she wants me to go with them this weekend and choose shoes.

There's enough money in the fund but don't know whether to fib and say that back to school shoes/trainers have wiped me out.

Or I don't know whether to message MIL (11 grandchildren) and hint/ask? We do normally message each other regularly.

Honestly, you all sound lovely. My husband's family are like this - so considerate of other people's feelings that sometimes it's difficult for them to communicate in case they make anyone feel awkward!! I think this stuff does gain bigger proportions when you're thinking about it rather than just talking to the person, though. Why don't you give her a ring, chat about something else and then it may well come up organically.

That sounds really difficult

If you've pencilled in a date and often do outings together can you not just invite mil along?

@Nanaof1

Whichever way we dress it up - it feels like demanding money with menaces 🤣

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

My Mum always bought my DS their shoes.

She also does big shops at Costco for loo roll tissues, kitchen roll etc and stocks my garage up.

The covid loo roll crisis passed me by as Mum had literally done a huge shop as we went into lock down.

She also regularly fills my freezer with homemade pies, casseroles etc.

I think this all sounds rather sweet, if a little bonkers.

If you're on texting terms with the MIL I would text her and say, "Hi DD's MIL, the twins need their first pair of shoes and DD asked me if I want to go shoe shopping with them at the weekend. I'm very happy to buy the shoes from my shoe fund but I remember you wanted to buy other DGD's first pair of shoes because that's your tradition, so just wanted to check to make sure you aren't planning to buy the twins' first shoes yourself. If I don't hear back from you I'll assume you're fine with me buying the shoes, but if this is something you would like to do yourself, just let us know."

Okay, I've been overthinking this too in the meantime, and I think the solution is: OP, since you do think you should tell/ask the other granny, but your main worry about this is that she might not have enough money, you could text her and ask but make it sound like you would really like to be allowed to buy the first shoes (i.e. imply it's meaningful for you too, even though it isn't) but you know it's her tradition so she can have first dibs if she'd like to get the full house. That way, she can 'let' you have this one if she doesn't want to buy the shoes for any reason, but you don't have to create awkardness about money.

I would text and say - “I’m thinking of buying the twins shoes this weekend but just wanted to check you weren't already planning to do this? Didn’t want to step on your toes, no pun intended!”

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

You sound so lovely and generous, just like my mum. This thread has been a lovely read.

Just contact her and have a real life conversation! If you think she has an issue with money then make a joke of it, “What shall we do about paying for the twins first shoes? Buy one pair each and be thankful they weren’t triplets?”

Since you share some care for the twins you should be able to talk about this like adults.

”hello other granny, I was going to buy X and Y some shoes at the weekend - just wanted to check whether you had planned to buy them these shoes or whether you are happy for me to go and do it - either way fine, just let me know. Love shoe jar granny

Id just text my own mil. I don't understand why people don't just ask outright for these kind of things. Much better to ask beforehand to double check (it's not cheeky if mil usually likes to do this) than upset her after having already bought the shoes.

Ask if she'd like to buy them their shoes as per her tradition but if not, no problem as we can take it out of mums shoe fund too🤷🏼‍♀️

I think I would probably buy the shoes.

But I definitely would not take it upon myself to inform your DD´s MIL. (Unless you were very very close to the MIL and your DD had a very close and open relationship with her. Which does not seem to be the case.)

You telling her may actually have a negative impact on the relationship of MIL and your DD!

That made me laugh.

I have Amazon deliveries of essentials and my garage was also stuffed to the roof at the beginning of lockdown. (Mainly nappies, loo roll, soap, ...... only twins in nappies now.)

I also cook and bake to order 😳

Coconut tarts anyone?

You telling her may actually have a negative impact on the relationship of MIL and your DD!

I know.

@PumpkinsAndCoconuts

Oh, that one is really is rather good. I retract my previous statement (about not talking to MIL directly).

A message that doesn´t mention money or DD´s involvement (so rather unlikely to negatively impact the MIL and DD relationship dynamic). And MIL could bow out gracefully by "doing you a favour".

Genius, I really like it!

Message to say you're all trying to arrange to go shoe shopping, does she have any days she'd prefer?
Then if she is struggling but still wants to meet the family traditions, she can ask one of her DCs to sub her,

It is a difficult one, I agree. But as pp said, if you phrase it in a way that doesn´t mention DD or money and also emphasise the respect you have for her family tradition...

As in: "I just realised that the twins need their first real shoes." (<= you just realised, nothing about your DD mentioning it etc.)
"I understand that it´s important for you to buy their first shoes etc. [demonstrating respect for her tradition, first dibs etc.] I still have my own shoe fund tradition. So if you wouldn´t mind [yadi-yada]. But I absolutely understand if you´d prefer to buy their first shoes [etc. polite chatter, greetings]."

as @BarnacleBeasley suggested.

Just inform your DD in advance. She will need to know how to react if MIL contacts her directly in response to you inquiry.

I also wanted to let you know that you sound really lovely and thoughtful.😊 It is nice to read something so wholesome on mumsnet / SM in general.

She's done this 9 times. Why is everyone walking on egg shells around your daughter's MIL? Quite worrying that your daughter is worried about angering her. Go and buy the twins their first shoes. Make it a lovely day out with your dd and grandchildren. Don't ask the MIL for permission.

I think it's really lovely when GPs want to help out, but really hate them claiming 'firsts'. Both sets of GPs here tried to buy my toddlers first pair of shoes. We politely declined as this was a first we wanted for ourselves. Any shoes after that, no problem, crack on, but why make such a fandango about being involved in a first that the actual parent might want to do.

Much prefer the idea of OPs shoe fund, sounds brilliant, helpful but not intrusive. Hope the twins get some shoes sorted next week, and hope your other grandson is doing ok too.

No, just go and buy the shoes! 🤦‍♂️

Definitely message her, there's lots of good suggestions of wording on the thread already that don't mention money or your daughter. As you already have a good relationship with her it's likely she won't take offence at any message you send.

This, especially as you're in contact with her directly anyway.

Why are you and your daughter trying to manage this woman? Where is her son in all this?

Don't look at it like that.

I understand its bit t difficult when the MIL has always made a point of it being her as the one to buy the first pair of shoes for each child but as you say winters coming and those cloth one's are OK as starter shoes but the more they walk the firmer shoe they'll need.

You sound lovely. Your daughter is lucky to have you.