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Original poster

To step on MIL's toes?

252 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 11:48

Not my MIL - my younger daughter's MIL.

I have 6 grandchildren. Both my daughters have three children.

I offer to buy their children's shoes as my own mother did for her grandchildren. She would put a set amount of money in a jar every week. I also do this - it's the shoe fund. 😬 (I'm aware it's bonkers.)

My younger daughter's MIL has told me that it is her tradition to buy her grandchildren's first pair of shoes. She took my daughter's oldest child to Clark's and had photos taken of her with the first pair of shoes. All good.

My younger daughter's twins have been walking since August and yesterday my daughter hinted at going to our usual shop for shoes as they are (obviously) wanting them for outside use for home and nursery. They have soft soled shoes (fabric) at the moment.

I said that her MIL could be upset if I go to the shoe shop for their first pair. But her MIL hasn't mentioned buying them at all. She had made a point of buying the older child's shoes so I'm thinking that she'll be upset if we buy some shoes which my daughter says they need. (Current shoes are on the small side now.)

She doesn't want to hint to MIL and appear cheeky. So she wants me to go with them this weekend and choose shoes.

There's enough money in the fund but don't know whether to fib and say that back to school shoes/trainers have wiped me out.

Or I don't know whether to message MIL (11 grandchildren) and hint/ask? We do normally message each other regularly.

OP posts:
Milsie892 · 05/10/2023 21:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Milsie892 · 05/10/2023 21:48

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 14:21

I feel like some are thinking that I'm either a doormat or a dictator.

It won't put me off helping wherever I can. I'm fully aware that children need more help when their own children are young and also aware that they grow away from the family. I'll still be on hand.

When I'm supermarket shopping and think that an item is expensive (what isn't) I usually buy it for my daughters as well.

For example, butter, large blocks of cheese, coffee, hot chocolate, tin foil, kitchen roll, dish wash blobs, laundry blobs etc.

I don't shop as often as when my children were at home.

I try and buy the brands that they would normally buy - so I don't want snide comments saying I'm interfering or dictating.

I just look at prices and think that any little bits would be appreciated - my mum did the same, I used to receive 6 duck eggs every week 🥹 without fail (as well as other things), because she saw them as a luxury they didn't have when they were young.

I always go shopping with my daughters to make sure they pick out clothes for the grandchildren of their choice. I don't force them to accept my ways/choices at all.

I must say I'm feeling bad for helping as it's seen as detrimental to my children's welfare. I'm not allowed to parent once I have grandchildren?

And there are those posts which call parents up and down for not helping?

Parents can't do right for doing wrong.

OP I think you are doing a wonderful thing. To help your children is a good thing, it is really hard when you have little ones and I am sure your daughters must really appreciate what you do for them.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 05/10/2023 21:50

I’d be more tactful and start posting pictures of twins walking all round the house, on social media, with comments about “time to go shoe shopping”
See if MIL says anything

thequeenoftarts · 05/10/2023 21:51

What about you buy one pair each? Saves on egos, money and stepping on toes lol

RoseandVioletCreams · 05/10/2023 22:04

What woud your own dd like you to do. If she sees this as a nice opportunity to get shoes with you.... I'd be furious if I was her.

Holly60 · 05/10/2023 22:05

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 05/10/2023 13:17

I'm thinking that there's some lovely ways of messaging MIL here. Some people have a lovely way with words.

However way we put it - it forces MIL to either 'stump up' or break her widely spoken tradition - possibly 'proud tradition'.

We'll give it another week and keep the twins inside. (Just kidding.)

It's a no win situation.

I think maybe then the only way is a heavily dropped hint, that MIL can ignore if she wants to.

'Hmm the kids really need their first pair of proper shoes. I think Im going to have to get them soon'.

If she ignores that, you have your answer.

Holly60 · 05/10/2023 22:06

Everydayimhuffling · 05/10/2023 17:13

Offer to combine traditions? "MIL, shall we combine traditions and take the money out of the shoe fund to get the first shoes all together, or would you like to get them yourself? Or I can just get them if you'd prefer." Lots of options and no suggestion that not paying means not doing her tradition.

Actually this is a lovely way of wording it

ImWally6 · 05/10/2023 22:12

Honestly don't understand why people make things into something so big. It's shoes....

RoseandVioletCreams · 05/10/2023 22:19

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

Good for you. Shoes are hideously expensive.

Some gp buy private school and so on... Within ones means it's a lovely thing to do actually.
I may consider this for my own gc if I have any.
Shoes are really expensive.

Mooshamoo · 05/10/2023 22:41

Jesus.

My dad killed himself a few years ago.
My mum just had a heart attack.
My brother is recovering from cancer.

You're this stressed over a pair of shoes. I've seen it all now. Get a grip. What a minor problem

Daffodilsandtuplips · 05/10/2023 23:03

Maybe in the past the other grandma has only had one pair of shoes to buy at a time but two pairs is a different kettle of fish.
I help my daughters, treat my grandkids, did child care part time since no 1 grandchild was eight months old, still doing it now 13 years later. Not so much now but still.
If the twins need shoes now then your daughter has to take their needs into consideration above everyone else’s and get them the shoes.

Zonder · 05/10/2023 23:10

Just ask.

I can't believe the twins are actually walking now! Just checking as they need shoes - do you want to keep up your tradition or shall I raid the shoe fund?

Job done

ThreeLittleGirls · 05/10/2023 23:31

Congratulations on your twin grandchildren! I have twin babies myself and an older one as well and it is so wonderful you and MIL are so caring, thoughtful and giving to your children and grandchildren. Please don’t feel bad!! My mum buys allsorts for me and my little ones too. Sometimes it is just impossible to find the time to order more X,Y,Z when there’s so much going on!

anywho, to answer your question, why don’t you say “Hiya! We’re going to go on a shopping trip to get the twins some shoes, do you want to come with us and make a day of it? 😊”. That way you’re not asking who is paying, she’s well aware that you’re going and she can either say in advance “ooh I’ll pay”, or not mention paying but still come and have a nice time and be part of the process at least. No money involved, except possibly your fund of course! 🥰

Bouncyball23 · 05/10/2023 23:37

Kids need more than 1 pair off shoes why not go together since you get on and buy a pair each.

MarkyMarksandSpencer · 05/10/2023 23:56

Agree with pp that the kids need shoes and you can suggest making a day of it. You and MIL both want the best for them so just be straight about it :

'Hi Janice, I saw the twins on Friday and it looks like they need proper shoes now. I was going to suggest to DD we go and get them at the weekend - do you want to all go together?'

If you think money's an issue but she'd still like to contribute, why not suggest going halfs on it ?

'Two pairs of shoes is a lot. Why don't we split the cost?'

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 06/10/2023 00:12

Mooshamoo · 05/10/2023 22:41

Jesus.

My dad killed himself a few years ago.
My mum just had a heart attack.
My brother is recovering from cancer.

You're this stressed over a pair of shoes. I've seen it all now. Get a grip. What a minor problem

We buried my mum two weeks ago.

My grandson is in hospital after yet another seizure.

My husband is gravely ill.

All true.

And I still can bear to mention shoes to my daughter's MIL in case she can't afford them, knowing that she has insisted on buying 'first shoes' for every other one of her grandchildren.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 06/10/2023 00:14

can't bear

OP posts:
Mooshamoo · 06/10/2023 01:06

But I think that the solution is so so simple OP.

Just send the MIL a text saying.

"Hi I noticed that the babis need first shoes. I was gonna go get them, but then I remembered that you said that you like to buy the babies their first shoes. What do you want to do?"

KeepingKeepingOn · 06/10/2023 01:22

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 06/10/2023 00:12

We buried my mum two weeks ago.

My grandson is in hospital after yet another seizure.

My husband is gravely ill.

All true.

And I still can bear to mention shoes to my daughter's MIL in case she can't afford them, knowing that she has insisted on buying 'first shoes' for every other one of her grandchildren.

Show quote history

I’m so sorry to read this, but also wanted to say this is a brilliant reply to a very common and irritating post 👏 👏 👏 as if the fact that people are born and become ill and die somehow precludes any other sorts of problems in life…

I am like you, a serial overthinker. Think forward - would you cringe more that you’d asked, potentially causing minor embarrassment, or cringe more that you hadn’t and therefore weren’t sure if you’d inadvertently really hurt her feelings? I’d be in the latter camp personally, and so would text one of the light, breezy suggestions on this thread. Might feel a bit awkward, but far better than possibly scuppering a tradition she’s seen through a lot of grandkids!

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/10/2023 01:49

Just listen to your DD. She has asked you, so do that. It is her MIL not yours. If MIL gets the hump and asks you say "Oh we were out and got them didnt really think about it".

ThreeLeggedPug · 06/10/2023 01:58

invite her along ‘hey DGC needs some shoes quite quickly so going shoe shopping Monday. Can you come too?’

MillieMinx · 06/10/2023 02:29

Message the MIL and say you're going out on x day to get the first shoes, does she want to come along too. That way she can be involved even if she doesn't want to foot the bill. If she does offer you can go halves and get them together then go for a coffee😉

Goldbar · 06/10/2023 03:29

I agree with those people who have said to address this directly. If MIL is nice and sensible, she won't mind.

Personally, I think your DD should do this. Given that MIL has made it clear that she likes to do "first shoes", I think it would be hurtful not to at least ask her if she wants to be involved.

In your DD's shoes, I'd send a message saying "Hi MIL, hope you're well. As you might have noticed, the twins are coming up to needing their first shoes. Just wondering if you'd like to organise as for DC1 or, if not, would you like to join us this Saturday to help us choose? No worries either way."

LAMPS1 · 06/10/2023 04:58

OP, your daughter has done all the thinking and overthinking already.
And she has hinted to you and also asked you outright to go with her to get their shoes.

The twins have been walking since August and it’s now October. They need shoes now.
The MIL hasn’t said anything to you nor to your DD about buying the shoes for the twins in the last six or so weeks.
It’s up to your DD or her DH to know what the situation is, to ask her or not ask her.
That responsibility isn’t yours to carry. It is firmly theirs.

As DD has clearly asked you, I would go with her, if only because newly walking and exploring twins in a shoe shop with one only one adult could wreck the place in less than five minutes. Such fun for them !

If you are really still so anxious about it, bow out altogether. Say you are busy that day and just give your DD the cash from the jar and let her go buy her twins their shoes.
Then DD can ask her DH or her MIL to go with her to help mind the children while she gets the shoes.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 06/10/2023 05:11

It’s simple. If you don’t want to upset her, ask her. ‘’X, I know you have a tradition of buying the children’s first pair of shoes. ‘’The twins are now in need of a pair each, do you want to buy those or shall I?’’ If you all socialise regularly, I don’t see how asking can appear cheeky if you all get on. What’s the issue?