To step on MIL's toes?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

Not my MIL - my younger daughter's MIL.

I have 6 grandchildren. Both my daughters have three children.

I offer to buy their children's shoes as my own mother did for her grandchildren. She would put a set amount of money in a jar every week. I also do this - it's the shoe fund. 😬 (I'm aware it's bonkers.)

My younger daughter's MIL has told me that it is her tradition to buy her grandchildren's first pair of shoes. She took my daughter's oldest child to Clark's and had photos taken of her with the first pair of shoes. All good.

My younger daughter's twins have been walking since August and yesterday my daughter hinted at going to our usual shop for shoes as they are (obviously) wanting them for outside use for home and nursery. They have soft soled shoes (fabric) at the moment.

I said that her MIL could be upset if I go to the shoe shop for their first pair. But her MIL hasn't mentioned buying them at all. She had made a point of buying the older child's shoes so I'm thinking that she'll be upset if we buy some shoes which my daughter says they need. (Current shoes are on the small side now.)

She doesn't want to hint to MIL and appear cheeky. So she wants me to go with them this weekend and choose shoes.

There's enough money in the fund but don't know whether to fib and say that back to school shoes/trainers have wiped me out.

Or I don't know whether to message MIL (11 grandchildren) and hint/ask? We do normally message each other regularly.

How lovely you all get on and want to contribute.

just text MIL as you clearly have a good relationship and mention to your daughter you’re doing that too as you’ll feel more comfortable and she’s also then not being left in the dark.

“Hi Mary, the twins have been walking since August and DD mentioned she wanted to get them shoes. I know it’s your tradition to buy the first pair. Is this something you wanted to do or are you happy me going this weekend with DD?”

I think you are being really respectful of something she told you was important to her. I think it's lovely x

Don’t buy the shoes.

Yea. Me too.

Hi OP, I remember your earlier threads and I'm sorry to hear both about the loss of your mum and that your grandsons seizures are continuing. How are you holding up?

I think PPs suggestion of wellies is a good one as it serves the immediate purpose of keeping feet dry and doesn't impinge on the first shoes tradition. It also provides an opportunity for SIL/DD to gauge MILs enthusiasm for shoes when she sees them and take their lead from her.

Your family are very fortunate to have you giving such thoughtful and practical support.

But it is bothering you, and you're not going with the flow!

Just buy the shoes! I really can't be bothered with traditions over who buys what, life's too short.

Why don’t you invite her and buy a pair each?

They're twins, one each!😬

Just message the mil and ask if she wanted to get for the twins as she did the older child, as you know it's tradition, but also say if not you are happy to pay.

just buy the shoes. She has that tradition? well so what. you have that tradition too. Buy the shoes. No need to make a big deal out of it

You sound like a lovely mum and very considerate of everyone’s feelings. DH and I were broke when we were younger (aren’t all young couples?) and would have massively appreciated having someone like you helping us like that.

I think you should message MIL as it would definitely upset her otherwise. Something casual like some PPs suggested eg

Hi Iris, how are you? I can’t believe the twins are getting so big and ready for their first shoes already! Would you like to do the honours or was it my turn this time (I’m happy either way)? Speak soon, love OP

Wow there's a lot of replies on this thread! I haven't read past the first page so this has probably been suggested but if you all socialise regularly and there's twins involved why don't you all go together and buy one pair each!?

If you are all close and get along so well, why not invite MIL along to go for the shoes? Maybe she isn't in a position to pay for them right now which is why she hasn't offered, however, you could still include her in the milestone so she doesn't feel like she missed out? She can still get her traditional photo and you are both included in the occasion.

Or if you don't think it's a cash issue maybe put it across like, I know you usually buy all the grandchildren their first shoes, but I was thinking with the twins being a double hit, would you like to go half and we take them together to choose them? I'd really like to be part of the first shoe shopping too.

Then invite the MIL out to buy them. Just ASK her if she wants to buy them their first shoes.

If you don't tell her/invite her, she very well could be hurt as tradition is important to many people.

I think you sound lovely and very considerate and I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. I do think some of the messages here are quite good and you can send the other mil those without overthinking.

I think you’re lovely, considerate and kind and of a time not many know of. My friends mum always buys a best coat for the winter and a set of “smart clothes” for the season….. this goes back in time to Sunday best/ looking nice for church. Even at the age of 15 the DGD goes shopping for a coat with her granny. I only wish my kids were as close with their relatives.

If it’s twins then why not message her and suggest you all go together and split the cost!

not read the full thread so not sure if this has already been suggested!

I feel you dilemma but a quick breezy text

”.twins are suddenly in desperate need of shoes, DD and I are planning on going on Monday. Would you like to come?”

once there, she can either state it my tradition as you know to pay for the first shoes, or you can offer from the fund

This is great! If she does want to pay offer to go halves as it’s always going to be twice as expensive. Just make it a fun day with tea and cake and everyone will be happy!

I'm another Grandma of tradition. My Nan did this for us, my mum for mine and now I do it for my dgc. I don't have to be concerned about other grannies (sadly they don't give a shit about the kids) and my adult child appreciates the help.
Sometimes family traditions aren't bonkers and it doesn't mean Grandma is a control freak.......

This is the kind of overthinking I would do. Since it’s coming into winter I would go down the wellies route and message MIL that you were thinking to buy the twins wellies but just checking whether her tradition was first shoes or first footwear - then if it’s financial she has the opportunity of buying wellies for significantly less than shoes would be.

I just wanted to say that I think it's lovely that you help your daughter/son-in-law in such a kind way, and also that you have such consideration for the feelings of others (DD's MIL). So many people these days seem to believe that being kind and considerate is stupid.

My dear old Dad used to take me food shopping or give me vouchers that he just 'happened to have' when I was a very poor mum of a young son. Not only did it help me financially (obviously) but the knowledge that he realised how difficult it could be , and wanted to help, warmed my heart.

I would go with one of the suggestions of texts to DD's MIL, and do it today, so that you can stop worrying. Anticipation is nearly always worse than the act.

If you don't tell her/invite her, she very well could be hurt as tradition is important to many people.

@Nanaof1

Yes - we have to somehow tell her. Last thing I want is to put pressure on her.

We can't go shopping now - a relief really. One of our grandsons is in the middle of some seizure activity. Happens roughly every two/three weeks (the big stuff - absences every day followed by loss of control of body/stiffness/floppiness) I have to be on call in case I'm needed to mind his brother and sister (sister gets so upset when it builds up - hysterical sometimes).

We've pencilled In Thursday for next week all being well. Hoping MIL suggests that it's shoe time in the meantime.

The Shoe Fund doesn't sound bonkers. It's very sweet. Unusual, yes, but not weird!

You can have a conversation with her:
You: I hope childa is feeling better soon. We need a shopping trip to get he and his twin shoes.
MIL: Oh yes, that sounds like fun.
You: Do you want to keep your tradition alive or go halfsie or something?

MIL: answers yes to one of the questions
You: It will be fun! Us grannies have fun when we are out!
MIL: LOL! Yes we do.

It isn't hard. It's the "thinking about it" that is difficult. Too many scenarios to pop into your head. Just go into upbeat and happy and she will be too. Unless she has said something recently about having trouble with bills, I'd just go with an open, friendly ask.