Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD doesn’t want play date

325 replies

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 09:18

DD7 has been invited to another girl from schools house. My DD really doesn’t want to go and is looking to me to get her out of it. I’ve had to do this so many times with this girl, and I’m out of excuses!
The other girl and her parents are really nice, but my DD just isn’t that keen on this girl and just really doesn’t want to go. I feel bad sending her there even for a couple of hours even though I know they would probably have a good time cos she’s saying Mum please don’t make me go.
I don’t feel like I can tell them she just doesn’t want to cos obviously the mum and girl would take offence and I don’t want to upset or cause problems with them.
any advice?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2023 12:26

Ok. So the mum needs to have the uncomfortable conversation with her daughter then. Explain to her that whilst she may be lovely, being needy isn't nice for the other person. Role play with her.

Otherwise she's just pushing the can down the road.

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 12:27

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2023 12:22

No. No. No.

You are missing the point. You are asking someone to 'be kind' to someone who isn't 'being kind' to them.

The dd clearly isn't kind or nice to the ops child, otherwise she'd want to go.

The mum isn't being kind to the op because it's already absolutely obvious her dd doesn't want to go. In fact, that's horrible. She is trying to use the dd to make her own dd happy.

Which isn't addressing the root cause. Which is that the dd isn't pleasant to be around.

That's what needs addressing.

Show quote history

Nowhere has OP suggested that the child is unkind to OP's DD. OP's DD just finds the other kid OTT and not someone she wants to mix with outside of school, and that's fine! My comment above was in response to the pile on after my initial post which was written before OP provided more in the way of context.

Audreysbaywindow · 05/10/2023 12:28

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 09:30

How old is your daughter? May be time to talk to her about being kind to others despite how she feels, unless there is a specific problem with the other child.

wtf?! This is stupid advice @LavendersBlueeee , don’t tell your daughter that her feelings don’t matter and she has to spend time with someone she doesn’t like just because that want her to!

Just tell the other mum your daughter is ill or busy or not up to a play date.

exchonnet · 05/10/2023 12:32

My son changed schools at the start of year 1. I was instantly seized upon by a parent who wanted my son to befriend hers. She told me of the 10 boys in the class "5 were good and 5 were naughty"! Assuming it was that black and white, my son fell right in the middle personality wise. I encouraged the friendship with her son but another boy soon joined, similar personality to my son and they bonded. It was easy to make excuses regarding after school play dates as we lived 10 miles apart and I worked full time. At weekends we always had things on.

My son has never liked sleeping at friends houses (doesn't to this day and he's 20) so I was always just honest about that

RichardArmitagesWife · 05/10/2023 12:33

The mum isn't being kind to the op because it's already absolutely obvious her dd doesn't want to go. In fact, that's horrible. She is trying to use the dd to make her own dd happy.

Wow, harsh. @arethereanyleftatall !

No, the mum is trying to help her socially awkward daughter spend time with a child she likes. She doesn't know OP's DD finds her a pain, from her perspective it's her child's best friend at school.

She's had polite, plausible knock backs. She needs to know it's just not going to happen, as painlessly as possible.

OP can go in with "DD's cooling off with spending time with Martha; you know how children are. She's happy to keep it as a school friendship at the moment. But thank you for the invitation."

EvilElsa · 05/10/2023 12:34

I had this with DD when she was at primary when she was about 8 or 9. The other little girl asked DD constantly -literally pestered her daily for a play date. I could tell DD wasn't overly keen, but we had the girl over after school and she was perfectly fine. No issues, no fall outs but I could just tell DD wasn't into it at all. When she left DD actually cried and said could we please not have her over again and could I get the girl to stop asking her. I spoke to the mum in the end and said that DD wasn't too keen on play dates currently so wouldn't be doing any. I also had a quiet word with her teacher about the constant pestering all day and it did actually stop. The girl was guided towards some other groups who she fit in with really well and made some good friends (I get on really well with the mum so I kept in the loop!). DD and the girl were absolutely fine and never fell out, just were never close. They went their separate ways to secondary anyway.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 05/10/2023 12:37

I wouldn't make any of my kids go on a play date if they told me they didn't want to.

Goldbar · 05/10/2023 12:37

It's good to have boundaries, and to encourage your children to have them, but it's also good to help when children are being isolated and left out. Personally, I'd think about what your DD might be prepared to offer to this girl which she would feel comfortable with - certainly no 1-on-1 playdates at the girl's house, but maybe a parent-accompanied playdate to your house or a group trip out to a park or playground with other children to break up the intensity.

Children this young shouldn't be written off when they're having social problems, they should be encouraged to work through them and improve their social skills so that it becomes easier for them to form friendships with others. Clearly this is for the other mum to do and it's not you or your DD's problem/responsibility, but if you can help in any way without offering your DD up as a sacrificial lamb, it would be a very kind thing to do. And while of course there are issues with encouraging girls to 'be kind' at the expense of their own welfare and happiness, what goes around comes around and imo that means we should look out for others as much as we are comfortable with. 'Kindness' isn't necessarily a bad thing so long as it has limits.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 05/10/2023 12:39

The OP's child doesn't want to offer this girl anything! And nor should she be made to. She doesn't like her by all accounts, so why on earth make her spend time with her.

SallyWD · 05/10/2023 12:41

My DD had a best friend when she was that age who suddenly went off my DD. I have no idea why! Anyway, we kept asking this girl for play dates before I realised she no longer wanted to be friends with DD. Eventually the girl's mum just said "Look I'm really sorry and this is very embarrassing but my DD just doesn't want to have play dates with your DD for a while." Although I was surprised I appreciated her honesty. I wish she'd said earlier on!

AFieldGuideToTrees · 05/10/2023 12:45

SomeoneKidda · 05/10/2023 12:18

"No, she's not up for a playdate at the moment. I'll let you know if it changes."

The poster/s suggesting that we should teaching children to do something they don't want/what other people want 'to be kind' make me shudder, frankly. Awful, awful messaging for a child.

Simple, to the point and pleasant. Just rinse and repeat if she keeps asking.

OP, please continue teach your child that it's fine to say no, especially to people she doesn't like.

CuriouslyMinded · 05/10/2023 12:48

JemOfAWoman · 05/10/2023 09:33

Respect that she doesn't want to go and just tell the other mum, "really sorry but for some reason DD just doesn't want to play"
Forcing her to do something to 'be kind' is absolutely not the way to go. Girls are constantly expected to ignore their feelings and wants to 'be kind' - how about we respect her on this one?

100% this!

Redpaisley · 05/10/2023 12:50

Kids should never be forced to be with those they dont like.

But really surprised by the description of the other child. Needy, suffocating.

What is a needy kid? Especially in the company of another kid?

A kid wanting friends or liking another kid for some reason is a needy kid? Adult being needy with another adult is annoying for sure, but a kid being needy with other kids is a new thing I have heard. All kids are annoying to some extent to others from time to time but those are normal kid behaviour ( not talking of bullying or dominating kids which Op didnt say this kid is or she couñd have easily told the parent this in a kind and tactful way).

Something wrong with our society when we see kids as needy for wanting to be friends. It is a normal human need. The more the kid is excluded the more kid longs for a friend.
No where OP mentioned bullying or anything like that, so tp clarify I am not talking of those kids.
There are plenty of awkward kids who with a little acceptance went on to have great friendships. And from Op's description, it seems like this kid is a bit awkward.
Op should not force her daughter but in this scenario I feel more sorry for the kid who has no friends because they are needy for the way adults describe them here.

Ivebeentogeorgia · 05/10/2023 12:51

OP you sound lovely. Some of the replies you’ve had have been a bit batshit. You’ve clearly said that you aren’t going to make your daughter go, never have made her go but just want to say no in the least offensive way possible because you don’t want to hurt your friend and her little girl. Baffles me how you have been receiving flack for that.

I would say something along the lines of:

thanks so much for dds invite to play with Evie. Dd isn’t feeling like she wants to come over and play at the moment- she’s happy just playing with Evie in school. Not sure why but will let you know if things change. Thanks again

Bluecocoon · 05/10/2023 12:56

Could you have the girl around yours instead? Although it does sound like you need to nip this in the bud so perhaps a kind message that you dd is going through a phase and isn’t that keen on play dates at the moment.

Mikimoto · 05/10/2023 12:56

What about if grandma is in the old people's home and wants to see her grand-daughter, who gets bored going there?
Wouldn't you encourage the girl to go just to be kind?

Bluecocoon · 05/10/2023 12:56

Actually @Ivebeentogeorgia’s message is perfect I think

exchonnet · 05/10/2023 12:58

Mikimoto · 05/10/2023 12:56

What about if grandma is in the old people's home and wants to see her grand-daughter, who gets bored going there?
Wouldn't you encourage the girl to go just to be kind?

That's different. The kid has a familial obligation to the grandparent (assuming there's been a normal relationship between them)

MyspecialMug · 05/10/2023 13:00

My daughter was the same at that age.
I'd just tell the parent she's not into play dates, and maybe arrange to meet up at a play zone when suits you all.

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 13:02

@Redpaisley
What is a needy kid? Especially in the company of another kid?

this girl in particular is needy in that she wants my DDs constant attention. She’s suffocating in that she wants to be with her all the time to the point where it’s too much for my DD
doesnt want DD to play with anyone as she wants her all to herself, wants to sit next to her at lunch and cries if someone else is sat next to her. Wants to be partnered up with her whenever the opportunity comes up.

But saying all that, I also feel sorry for her, cos she’s not a bad kid and those things she is doing I don’t believe are anything other than cos she really likes my DD

OP posts:
AtTheStream · 05/10/2023 13:03

You've got such a range of answers - ‘hard nos’ to ‘give in!’
It seems the issue is you’ve run out of excuses and given the Mum is a friend, you can’t just brutally cut it off unless you want a very awkward school pick up every day and who really wants that?
The Mum may well know whats going on and more excuses wont deter future invites. I also wouldn't force DD into a situation she isn’t comfortable in, which I can see you totally agree with.
I’d personally want a conclusion here so I’d be honest and then offer to help. Something like ‘my DD is saying she doesn’t want to go - you know what kids are like! Maybe we could encourage them together and do something less intense than one on one? Ive been speaking to ‘so and so’ today we were talking about going to the park on X day - are you free to come? It would be lovely to see you all, we’re overdue a catch up’
I’d ask other Mums ahead to help me out and get a group event going.
I also think you are being really kind in considering everyone’s needs here, who likes a parent who steam rolls over everyone else’s feelings in support of their kids? In reality it’s not how the world works is it 🤣

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 13:05

Ivebeentogeorgia · 05/10/2023 12:51

OP you sound lovely. Some of the replies you’ve had have been a bit batshit. You’ve clearly said that you aren’t going to make your daughter go, never have made her go but just want to say no in the least offensive way possible because you don’t want to hurt your friend and her little girl. Baffles me how you have been receiving flack for that.

I would say something along the lines of:

thanks so much for dds invite to play with Evie. Dd isn’t feeling like she wants to come over and play at the moment- she’s happy just playing with Evie in school. Not sure why but will let you know if things change. Thanks again

I know right?

thank you for your reply and I like the suggestion you have made and I think that is the kind of thing I will probably say. Going to speak to DD tonight just to say she has been invited again and what does she want to do. Whatever she chooses is fine and I will navigate it from there.

OP posts:
MinnieGirl · 05/10/2023 13:08

LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 13:02

@Redpaisley
What is a needy kid? Especially in the company of another kid?

this girl in particular is needy in that she wants my DDs constant attention. She’s suffocating in that she wants to be with her all the time to the point where it’s too much for my DD
doesnt want DD to play with anyone as she wants her all to herself, wants to sit next to her at lunch and cries if someone else is sat next to her. Wants to be partnered up with her whenever the opportunity comes up.

But saying all that, I also feel sorry for her, cos she’s not a bad kid and those things she is doing I don’t believe are anything other than cos she really likes my DD

That must be awful for your DD.
Could you have a quiet word with school? Explain the situation and ask if they can be split up a bit? I’m not surprised your DD doesn’t want to go to play when she’s putting up with all that during the week.

As for mum… well I think I would have to say something along the lines of your daughter is with her all week and doesn’t want to go to play after school. And let mum read between the lines.

Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 13:08

Bluecocoon · 05/10/2023 12:56

Could you have the girl around yours instead? Although it does sound like you need to nip this in the bud so perhaps a kind message that you dd is going through a phase and isn’t that keen on play dates at the moment.

We have done that already a while back. Can see TBH why my daughter is bothered by her and I did tell myself I wouldn’t have her round again as DD seemed really uncomfortable having her there. I will ask DD though if she’d like to invite her round here instead, but I think I know what her answer will be.

OP posts:
Original poster
LavendersBlueeee · 05/10/2023 13:09

AtTheStream · 05/10/2023 13:03

You've got such a range of answers - ‘hard nos’ to ‘give in!’
It seems the issue is you’ve run out of excuses and given the Mum is a friend, you can’t just brutally cut it off unless you want a very awkward school pick up every day and who really wants that?
The Mum may well know whats going on and more excuses wont deter future invites. I also wouldn't force DD into a situation she isn’t comfortable in, which I can see you totally agree with.
I’d personally want a conclusion here so I’d be honest and then offer to help. Something like ‘my DD is saying she doesn’t want to go - you know what kids are like! Maybe we could encourage them together and do something less intense than one on one? Ive been speaking to ‘so and so’ today we were talking about going to the park on X day - are you free to come? It would be lovely to see you all, we’re overdue a catch up’
I’d ask other Mums ahead to help me out and get a group event going.
I also think you are being really kind in considering everyone’s needs here, who likes a parent who steam rolls over everyone else’s feelings in support of their kids? In reality it’s not how the world works is it 🤣

Thanks @AtTheStream i like your reply so will consider this

OP posts: