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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not join the PTA

106 replies

StarsInTheirLies · 04/10/2023 20:06

DH is annoyed I didn't go to the "join the" PTA meeting last nighy (new parents in reception) saying was a good opportunity for me to meet other mums and be part of school life

I work longer hours than him and do all mental load already. I do agree I'm not very involved in school life and don't know many mums and I feel sad about that but I just don't think I have the time

Have other people found the PTA a great way to meet other people and contribute to the school? Do people recommend prioritising it?

OP posts:
Reallynotoverreacting · 04/10/2023 20:39

I was on the PTA for years, it's time and energy I will never get back and I regret every minute.
Horrible women, misogynistic men, teachers who couldn't be arsed, using my spare time to try to try and improve things for the children of people who actually couldn't give a flying f*ck and thought we were all glory seeking twats (which I suppose was truth for a lot of people).

Don't. Do. It.

NotAKangaroo · 04/10/2023 20:40

The is the first time I've seen an AIBU poll where people are 100% in agreement.

BrontëParsonage · 04/10/2023 20:41

In my experience, two children and one almost through education, those with vaginas are expected to become serfs aka members of the PTA while those with penises are elected to the lofty heights of governors, almost in the mode of the Roman Empire. Sod that. I’m all for equality: when the male parents are up for brewing a million cups of tea at school fairs, I will be happy to have parity with them and work alongside them.

Sigmama · 04/10/2023 20:41

More men should join for sure, but yes, joining anything is a way to meet others

Almostwelsh · 04/10/2023 20:43

Don't do it, it's a massive time suck, with precious little reward. Don't feel you have to volunteer at events either. If you feel guilty about that, then make an annual donation to PTA funds instead.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/10/2023 20:45

I wouldn’t join until you know what kind of PTA it is. Some are great, a good way to make people and a relaxed way to do some nice bits for the school. Some are an absolute nightmare.

I’m involved with DD4’s PTa. Not even a euromillions amount of money would get me anywhere near DD3’s.

Your husband is out of order suggesting it’s a you thing though.

Bruisername · 04/10/2023 20:45

Surely this thread isn’t about whether or not you join the PTA and more about what a dick your husband is and his inability to take on a parenting role wrt his kids school and feeling he can delegate to you

FourChimneys · 04/10/2023 20:47

I was busy setting up a business when my DC were in early years of primary school. Also, if you weren't in the mum clique who had been to the school themselves you got ostracised. I know because it happened to two lovely mums I knew.

We used to ask the head what specific item they needed, eg PE equipment or some tech and paid for that directly as our contribution.

autiebooklover · 04/10/2023 20:49

I joined the PTA twice. (Different kids several years apart) didn't make any friends either time. Didn't particularly enjoy it either.

Now on the Board of Governors, no friends here either and enjoying it less.

Isthisexpected · 04/10/2023 20:50

This is really sad. No wonder it's such exhausting work on the PTA because so many people can't be arsed to help out.

autiebooklover · 04/10/2023 20:50

Did you point out he works less than you? So annoyed on your behalf!!

Original poster
StarsInTheirLies · 04/10/2023 20:51

Yeah - there are probably two things

  1. why is my husband expecting me to go? Can't he see I'm up against it already. He's seems to think it's unthinkable he would go. Even though earlier today he described me as the "family money maker". He's traditional in some ways and not in others!!

  2. is it a good idea any way? I didn't think about volunteering stuff. I mean I feel done in working full time with reception and nursery age kids so useful to hear people think not worth it. Volunteering sounds more up my street. I don't need more friends as such but I'd like to feel part of things a little more. All the other mums chat and seem to know one another.

OP posts:
Bruisername · 04/10/2023 20:53

I wouldn’t join in your circumstance. Help out at events sure but you seem too busy

and your dh is an arse - wants you to be the family money maker and take on the responsibility for parenting. Do you do all the housework too?

StarDolphins · 04/10/2023 20:54

I volunteer at the events, mostly the night ones like disco etc but PTA I’m not struck on & don’t have time. Plus I’m not struck on some of the mums!

He can join!

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/10/2023 20:54

StarsInTheirLies · 04/10/2023 20:51

Yeah - there are probably two things

  1. why is my husband expecting me to go? Can't he see I'm up against it already. He's seems to think it's unthinkable he would go. Even though earlier today he described me as the "family money maker". He's traditional in some ways and not in others!!

  2. is it a good idea any way? I didn't think about volunteering stuff. I mean I feel done in working full time with reception and nursery age kids so useful to hear people think not worth it. Volunteering sounds more up my street. I don't need more friends as such but I'd like to feel part of things a little more. All the other mums chat and seem to know one another.

He expects you to go because he clearly sees it as something just mothers do which is sexist.

I wouldn't be doing anything until it's clear to DH that things like this aren't automatically your job because you are the mum.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/10/2023 20:56

Do you want to make friends and expand your social life OP? If you do, tell him “yes it would be great to meet mums and make friends, I’ve discovered that lots of the mums go to x gym, x book club (or whatever hobby you’re interested in doing) so I’d better join that instead of the PTA”

His motives are to bask in the glory of contributing to the school but letting you do all the work and to keep you too busy to notice how little he does. Don’t fall for it.

Think about what you want out of life and aim for that instead.

He can join the PTA.

saoirse31 · 04/10/2023 20:59

I think you're being kind of understandably unreasonable . Surely if your child is in the school then joining the pta is a good idea for for lots of reasons. Tho your dh joining woujd be just as useful, so....

CaramelMac · 04/10/2023 21:01

I’d rather sandpaper my eyeballs than join the PTA.

Raindancer411 · 04/10/2023 21:01

I been on the PTA (secretary mainly) since my boy was in reception and he has just gone up to year 7 now. Now going to maybe do it all again with my youngest.

I enjoyed it and have made a few friends but this time the PTA is surprisingly mainly teachers and TAs!

If you want to join but if not, you don't have too.

Motheranddaughter · 04/10/2023 21:03

When mine were at that stage I was a member of the PTA , but not on the committee
I went to most events ,as did my DH and volunteered to help at some events

WhileMyDishwasherGentlyWeeps · 04/10/2023 21:07

CaramelMac · 04/10/2023 21:01

I’d rather sandpaper my eyeballs than join the PTA.

I tried that. But it was still not as painful as being on the PTA or being a class parent rep. So I ate my feet. That was approximately as unpleasant.

Zanatdy · 04/10/2023 21:09

Well how rude he’s angry you didn’t go, and didn’t think twice that he could have to given he’s a parent too. I never had time for that, working full time and having young kids, plus just wasn’t for me. Plenty of other ways to make more friends from the school if that’s what you want

PangramAddict · 04/10/2023 21:12

I don't do anything PTA related at all but I volunteer a lot for trips etc. I don't particularly feel the need to "make friends" at school, all the playground clique threads served as fair warning of that!
You work full time and sounds like that's more than plenty. Ignore him.

EaudeJavel · 04/10/2023 21:13

Can't you just volunteer for a few things, without being an actual PTA member? You must have a Christmas Fair coming up, I'd be surprised if the PTA didn't welcome some help.

That's for YOUR benefit.

Now the DH is annoyed I didn't go to the "join the" PTA meeting? I'd be annoyed HE didn't go and report back about it. What's his excuse?

EaudeJavel · 04/10/2023 21:15

CaramelMac · 04/10/2023 21:01

I’d rather sandpaper my eyeballs than join the PTA.

A group of parents, most working full time, giving up free time and energy to try to raise funds for their kids, and organise events to improve their kids school life, but heavily criticised by people who can't be arsed to lift a finger for their own children.

There's not many activities as thankless as these, so I get your point.