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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not join the PTA

106 replies

StarsInTheirLies · 04/10/2023 20:06

DH is annoyed I didn't go to the "join the" PTA meeting last nighy (new parents in reception) saying was a good opportunity for me to meet other mums and be part of school life

I work longer hours than him and do all mental load already. I do agree I'm not very involved in school life and don't know many mums and I feel sad about that but I just don't think I have the time

Have other people found the PTA a great way to meet other people and contribute to the school? Do people recommend prioritising it?

OP posts:
CoreopsisEverywhere · 04/10/2023 21:16

Erm, he could join!

I hated being on the PTA but I did make a few really good friends by doing so.

Original poster
StarsInTheirLies · 04/10/2023 21:18

@PangramAddict these cliques...I kind of thought school mum cliques was exaggerated but I already feel out the loop. I do all drop offs and am chatty and people are chatty back buy I've heard a few times mums talking about this drink or that and I think "that wasn't on the class WhatsApp group". I don't want to sound desperate but I really do want to be involved and feel baffled that I already feel excluded

OP posts:
Coughingdodger · 04/10/2023 21:18

TulipsTulipTulips · 04/10/2023 20:18

Do you particularly particularly want to make parent friends? That’s the only reason I can think of for him to say that, other than misogyny.

Misogyny means hatred of women.
How does suggesting your wife join the PTA to make friends make you a woman hater?

APurpleSquirrel · 04/10/2023 21:24

I'm the Chair of our PTA - have I made friends? Yes, good ones who I can call on if needed; we have been in the shit at events, I can trust them & have a laugh.
Does it make me closer to the school? Yes, I'm on first name terms with the staff & often know about what's happening in the coming months.
Is it a time suck? It can be - but usually only if you're one of the named Committee members (Chair, Treasurer or Secretary) or if you get so few volunteers at events that it's just the usual core ones who help out.
It does have a profound impact on the school - school budgets are so stretched, we can provide funds for equipment, trips etc as well as the fun stuff like discos & parties etc that make the children's school life more enjoyable.
Not all PTAs are equal though - but if you offer to help out at just a few events it would be so appreciated - at least it would by me! And in our PTA, most of the parents also work full-time.

As for your DH? He's being a dick. My DH helps out at events when he's available. I'm part-time, but DH is full time & also volunteers for our local Cubs troop.

SausageinaBun · 04/10/2023 21:25

I'm not convinced by the economics of the pta. If you can put a value on your time - like an hourly rate - then you can see if it's really worth volunteering or just bung them the odd donation instead.

It's not that I am against volunteering generally, but I prefer to volunteer to use skills that are considered valuable than get a migraine at a primary school disco.

Sigmama · 04/10/2023 21:26

Nooo, not the clique word, such a lazy trope, used only for women

Beezknees · 04/10/2023 21:36

I never joined the PTA. I'm a completely lone parent working full time, I didn't have the energy or inclination honestly. I wasn't really looking to make friends either.

EaudeJavel · 04/10/2023 21:39

SausageinaBun · 04/10/2023 21:25

I'm not convinced by the economics of the pta. If you can put a value on your time - like an hourly rate - then you can see if it's really worth volunteering or just bung them the odd donation instead.

It's not that I am against volunteering generally, but I prefer to volunteer to use skills that are considered valuable than get a migraine at a primary school disco.

it would only work if parents were willing to make straight-up donations. Many PTA who have tried have proven that the funds don't follow.

School events also benefit the kids, even if they are not organised as fund raisers. Primary school should not be just about going to class and that's it.

Zoomizoom · 04/10/2023 21:40

Cliques is completely overused and makes me cringe. Some mums are probably friends from nursery/older siblings/ hobbies etc and are in no way excluding you.

are you friendly? Have you asked anyone if they want to meet for a play date/coffee/wine? If not then don’t judge anyone else for not doing the same

Mariposista · 04/10/2023 21:40

He sounds really mysoginistic! So school stuff is 'your stuff' is it? What if you don't want to be all-ally pally with cliquey school women with whom the only thing you have in common was the time you conceived a child? (ok some might be nice, but just throwing out a stereotype there).
Drop your kid off, head to work. Turn up for parents evening and school play. Job done!

EaudeJavel · 04/10/2023 21:42

StarsInTheirLies · 04/10/2023 21:18

@PangramAddict these cliques...I kind of thought school mum cliques was exaggerated but I already feel out the loop. I do all drop offs and am chatty and people are chatty back buy I've heard a few times mums talking about this drink or that and I think "that wasn't on the class WhatsApp group". I don't want to sound desperate but I really do want to be involved and feel baffled that I already feel excluded

Do you think all your friendship groups are "cliques", or is that just reserved for the "mums"?

If you invite your neighbours for a drink, you wouldn't put that on the class whatsapp group, does it make you part of a "clique"?

I honestly found the people complaining about the so-called cliques the ones who create drama and are not worth befriending. Everyone else just get on with things, juggling school and life and work.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/10/2023 21:47

Is DH thick in not understanding that the word "Parent" isn't gendered?
Or are they your children from a previous relationship rather than children with "D"H?

arethereanyleftatall · 04/10/2023 21:51

I'm sorry for you that your husbands a twat op.

shareyo2 · 04/10/2023 21:56

@StarsInTheirLies

You have a limited amount of time.
You may wish to consider alternative uses of any 'spare' time before filing into a PTA role. Is it an active choice to join or just circumstantial?

What about?...
Making friends / links / joining networks related to your career - your career / financial security is important
A hobby (for you to enjoy)
Self care / time to refresh and recuperate - setting time aside away from your mum role
A social club or network not linked to being 'mum'
Not working for free - developing a business / side hustle
Doing voluntary work elsewhere - for a cause you are passionate about. You may make likeminded friends some of whom may be mums, others not.

Some of these things may last longer than school which is a 'season' in your children's lives.

Mum is a role and part of an identity, not all of it.

Ggttl · 04/10/2023 22:01

Our class PTA rep was a dad last year. He was perfectly capable of doing the job. Your DH should go along. There is absolutely no obligation to join. Most parents don’t.

PicaK · 04/10/2023 22:03

It's a Parent Teacher Association - you've already "joined" it by just sending your kid to the school.
If you're going to any of their events then yes it's worth volunteering while you're there. As long as he is there too to supervise the kids.
I got a lot out of being part of the PTA committee. But I'm shocked by his attitude.

WhileMyDishwasherGentlyWeeps · 04/10/2023 22:05

TBH I don’t know why schools have PTAs. They’re a complete waste of time and schools would be better off ignoring parents altogether.

shareyo2 · 04/10/2023 22:06

Best to ignore incendiary comments.

Original poster
StarsInTheirLies · 04/10/2023 22:07

@Sigmama @EaudeJavel and others...totally get what you're saying about the term cliques. It is a lazy term. I'm probably just feeling bitter that lots of the other mums are spending time with one another and I can't seem to make it work for me. And then DH telling me to "make the time". But none of that is the fault of the mums hanging out together. I haven't got past the "How's little Bobby getting on?" couple of minutes at the gate chat.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 04/10/2023 22:09

Your DH sounds horribly sexist. But only when it suits him. He is not the main provider for the family but wants you to do the 1950 wifey but. Sounds like he needs to step up and get a better job

moderationincludingmoderation · 04/10/2023 22:12

It is a great way to meet other parents and the school staff and become involved with school on a deeper level.
But the reality is that it requires a lot of your time and effort.

ellie09 · 04/10/2023 22:12

Nah, I couldn't give a toss about the PTA or the other parents at my child's school.

I am a single parent, working 40 hours over week and barely have time for my own hobbies and interests and struggle to keep up with the mass amount of school events and fundraisers that occur on almost a weekly basis.

Its only October and in a month there's been 3 non uniform days, 2 of which were themed and required charity donations. I also had to pay for 3 school trips.

I don't care about being friendly with the other parents because I have my own friends that I socialize with and can't hang around gossiping at the school gates because I usually head straight to work.

Sparklybutold · 04/10/2023 22:14

We've moved our kids into new schools a few times owing to jobs requiring relocation. I have dutifully and curiously joined the PTA groups and frankly I find them odd. I will say however within the meetings I tend to find a few mums and dads that I end up connecting with and we tend to branch off. Personally I have found the ‘leaders’ of the PTA a pain in the ass.

WhileMyDishwasherGentlyWeeps · 04/10/2023 22:17

shareyo2 · 04/10/2023 22:06

Best to ignore incendiary comments.

What’s incendiary about that? I reckon most parents who’ve been through it would agree that most parents’ whinges and ‘suggestions’ are self-serving and pointless.

One issue I remember vividly was the ‘concern’ over lost items of uniform and how the school should have better systems for collecting jumpers and fleeces for return to parents. No amount of teachers’ appeals for name badges and parents checking on their kids at pick up was enough. Oh dear, always the staff’s fault.

shareyo2 · 04/10/2023 22:19

You have a limited amount of time.
You may wish to consider alternative uses of any 'spare' time before filing into a PTA role. Is it an active choice to join or just circumstantial?

What about?...
Making friends / links / joining networks related to your career - your career / financial security is important
A hobby (for you to enjoy)
Self care / time to refresh and recuperate - setting time aside away from your mum role
A social club or network not linked to being 'mum'
Not working for free - developing a business / side hustle
Doing voluntary work elsewhere - for a cause you are passionate about. You may make likeminded friends some of whom may be mums, others not.

Some of these things may last longer than school which is a 'season' in your children's lives.

Mum is a role and part of an identity, not all of it.