To not join the PTA

[StarsInTheirLies]

DH is annoyed I didn't go to the "join the" PTA meeting last nighy (new parents in reception) saying was a good opportunity for me to meet other mums and be part of school life

I work longer hours than him and do all mental load already. I do agree I'm not very involved in school life and don't know many mums and I feel sad about that but I just don't think I have the time

Have other people found the PTA a great way to meet other people and contribute to the school? Do people recommend prioritising it?

Don't join the PTA to make friends. You'll be too busy staying up until all hours (on your own) making 150 Santa Sweetie jars and so on. Or rushing round at events like a blue arsed fly. I speak from experience as a former PTA and class rep.

Invite kids your kid likes for play dates and meet ups at parks/soft play instead and get to know the other parents that way.

And go to PTA events/socials and spend lots instead.

After being stuck as chairperson for 7 years I refused to join the PTA but still help and plan events

Oh god @LittleMonks11 this has helped me see the light! I would be doing stuff by myself anyway...just doing tasks instead of watching telly or reading a book in the one hour I get at the end of the day before bed. I thought maybe it was my way of making friends and feeling part of something outside of work but I hadn't thought about how most of it would be myself. Also I'm terrible at events.

Right I'm feeling pleased and relieved I missed the "meet the PTA" event. I'll go along and buy all the raffle tickets and volunteer to do stuff. But I'm keeping my toes out.

And are you giving your husband a boot up the arse?

he’s just wasted part of your evening by making you give brain space to this

when it's parents who have to raise funds for essentials, you tell us how that would work out then

My DH was on the PTA, not me. For same reason, he had the less demanding job and also because he is extroverted and I’m an introvert and need my down time to be solitary to stay sane. There are dads on the PTA. It is not all mums.

Try and find a dad on the PTA and engineer that dad contacting your DH to “invite” him along. You said he thinks it is unthinkable that he should go and so that may be the sort of nudge that would get him to go.

On some PTAs any dads who joined are treated like heroes🙄

It’s usually PTAs that only have a token Dad or few. I don’t mind a bit of extra nice treatment to encourage more Dads to join. They should be welcomed. The alternative is to be cold, unwelcoming and reinforce sex based stereotypes that end up leaving mums doing all the PTA heavy lifting.

The one I experienced he was almost given a standing ovation when he walked in. He was always asked to give his opinion first and if he started speaking everyone hushed and gave their full attention. Was really odd and I backed off from that one.

the one I was more involved in tended to have dad involvement more casually

This sums it up perfectly. You need firm boundaries on the amount of time you can give, and to feel no guilt when you've reached that limit.

I did 5 years on the committee. I really enjoyed it for the most part. The crap parts were mostly related to certain parents who loudly criticised everything whilst refusing to get involved in any which way, let alone take a moment to quietly ask/think why something may have to have been run a certain way. Through the meetings you get a much deeper feel for the school, understanding of how and why things are set up as they are, and a good working relationship with the staff (invaluable if it turns out your DC has any kind of AN). I made friends, and would like to think contributed to making all the DCs' school experience a more positive one - we put on discos and film nights, which were more about 'something nice for the kids' than raising funds (they earned very little for the effort), and bigger money spinners which bought enriching equipment the school budget would never be able to stretch to.

However! Your DH's sexism is showing... the PTA is for all parents, both male and female. As the parent with more time, he is the obvious choice to join particularly as he clearly feels it performs an important function. Unfortunately, as a PP said, men tend to look down on it and will often only consider roles in school such as governors.

Why is it for you and not him?

However PTA volunteers should be commended.

I personally don't have as do time as do other voluntary work.

But am thankful to the parents who do.

I'm in the PTA. It's work, like a pp said, often hours worth of banal prep at home on your own for events and when the disco and summer fair come around, a lot of work organising, chivvying people, shopping for 500 hot dog buns, etc etc. I really enjoy putting together events that I know the kids enjoy and that raise vital funds for the school. For some people they're not up for that, and that's fine.
We have some in our PTA group that dont want anything to do with the disco because it's full on, fair enough.
I will say though, there are about 5 of us that carry most of the load. We all work too and have really hectic lives. 2 have SEND children and a lot going on. We're really busy people. But again, we do it because we get something out of doing it. Don't force yourself to do it because you think you should or to make friends, (although I have made friends through it).
A parent who volunteers to do an hour once a year on the summer fair cake stall it massively appreciated at my PTA and if you think you can do that, great. That will be more than many others do, and you might even enjoy it, and meet some new friends.
Also, your kids are still young and those younger years are a lot with work too. I joined the PTA once my youngest was in year 2 and things are a bit calmer!

A group of parents, most working full time, giving up free time and energy to try to raise funds for their kids, and organise events to improve their kids school life, but heavily criticised by people who can't be arsed to lift a finger for their own children.

This is an excellent description. There's better ways to meet people.

I now rock up & help for a few hours solely because I want the kids to have a fun Halloween party/spring disco/summer fete but I invest the bulk of my volunteering time as a scout leader and its a million times better.

Of course they shouldn’t have to, for essentials. But if they do need to fundraise for essentials, or just want to raise extra money, they should just ask for donations. Summer fairs at one of my kid’s primaries used to raise very little. And after one disastrous fireworks night they stopped that event completely.

Begging emails were much simpler, cheaper, easier and more effective.

I am a life long volunteer who gets roped in to everything, but even I have managed to swerve the PTA so far! I do think it’s worth volunteering at events - I’ve done so and it helps me get to know the names of the kids, chat to the parents helping out, know some of the teachers a bit more. Generally that idea of being in a community, not just on the edge of it.

Actually getting further than “how is little Bobby” is really tough - I think you have to work your way through the parents until you happen across one who is also in the lookout for new friends!

Totally ridiculous of your DH though, I hope he’s realised now that assuming that you would do it and he wouldn’t was an extremely sexist assumption!

Having been on PTA for several years, its a massive time commitment. A better option is to offer help ad hoc at xmas events etc. I didnt make any friends on it, made them at pick up/parties/playdates.

Yeah, that’s a token Dad type. My DH’s PTA is 1/3rd dads. They have to draw lots to see who gets to be Santa and who gets to be his elves every Christmas.

My DH went to the first PTA meeting because I couldn't go and he learnt that it is completely sexiest. We have both disengaged as a result.

No, I don't recommend PTA as you have enough to be coping with.
He can introduce you to the new parents when he gets given a PTA role.

I joined the PTA but didn't particularly make friends from it. If anything my reaction was that most of its (allafemale, at my son's school) members would have done better to quit the PTA and either go back to work or run the country (which would have benefited bith the country and the mums)

To be fair, I actually set up the PTA at my younger son's school, but that was very very different. It was a tiny SEN school and some of the kids desperately needed help if only money for occasional class trips and the laptops for lockdown.

Our PTA do all their meetings at 3.30pm so clearly they only want SAHPs to be on it. You don't need a wide group of mum friends OP, though it is helpful to be on good terms with one or 2.

Over the years I've got the contact details of the other working mums and we help each other out with the 'disco tickets available to buy from PTA at 9am or 3.20pm in the hall, first come first served, no tickets can be saved' crap. We also will pick up each others kids in an emergency, or help out with dropping in an emergency lunch or spares if it's all gone a bit tits up on the way to school.

Tell him you’d love to but your already carrying the entire mental load of the family, if he’d like to step up your might have bit more room for PTA.

or better yet just drop the mental
load as it pertains to him and do PTA if you actually want to.

Tell your dear husband you'll join the PTA when he becomes a governor. He's got a nerve. Oh, and as the meetings are usually after school, he can get tea on while you are otherwise occupied.

Begging emails don't work in most schools.

Events like a colour run, inflatable afternoon etc can be for the kids, and not really to raise funds as such.

The other events are still needed. As an example, if you need £50k in fundraising, at least matched with £50k grants. If you have a couple of parents sending £200, it's very generous of them, it's useful, but it has no impact on the fundraising needs.