Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think that most company menopause policies are an absolute joke?

254 replies

JenniferAnistonsHair2023 · 04/10/2023 18:29

I work for a FTSE100 firm, been there a long time. No historical performance issues. Mid 50s, senior role, quite high pressure.

At the start of this year I went down to 4 days in an attempt to slow down a little. I'm menopausal, anxious, permanently tired (insomnia) - you get the picture. On HRT which has helped but doesn't turn you back into the person you were when you were 30.

My last performance review I was pretty much told I'm underperforming. This came as a shock to me as I'm managing a full time workload in 4 days. Was given some areas to focus on which I'm trying my hardest to do, but part of me thinks I'm just not good enough any more.

Decide to contact HR today to discuss what constitutes 'reasonable adjustments' to my role because of menopause symptoms. (We have a policy published on our intranet). HR helpline pretty much just told me that I need to work things out with my manager. Made the point that my manager was the problem and I didn't feel comfortable discussing menopause with a 50 something male with no training on the matter. Still get a 'computer says no' response.

I mean, what's the fucking point of having a policy? I'm losing the will to live. On top of all that I'm asked to do a day of meetings which involves 3 hours of travelling either side next week, with no opportunity to take any of that time back. I refused on the basis that there was a dial-in option and that I wasn't willing to go massively over my 28 hours for the week (there are times when I have to travel when f2f is the only option and that's fine, I suck it up).

AIBU? Has anyone got experience of a workplace where they have a better menopause policy so that I can consider applying?!

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/10/2023 13:14

SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:12

You said your manager 'sh**' himself.... Absolutely unnecessary to be so coarse and vulgar. I would be mad with any of my children speaking like this but you are a grown woman talking in this way. If you cannot see how vulgar this is then clearly this is on you.

Show quote history

Oh dear - I suspect you haven’t been on MN long if that’s what upset you. Perhaps you should change your name to Hyacinth Bucket.

RaeHitsEbSire · 05/10/2023 13:18

You said your manager 'sh' himself.... Absolutely unnecessary to be so coarse and vulgar.

😂

SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:20

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/10/2023 13:14

Oh dear - I suspect you haven’t been on MN long if that’s what upset you. Perhaps you should change your name to Hyacinth Bucket.

Show quote history

Nope been on here ages thanks Chaz! But maybe we just have different ideas around what we consider to be appropriate in terms of how we choose to express ourselves. You crack on lovely if agree that using such vulgar words and expressions are OK... I am sure it sounds charming. Would you like to hear your children talk like this? If so, then I can see why we disagree.

Original poster
JenniferAnistonsHair2023 · 05/10/2023 13:21

This isn't Netmums hun.

OP posts:
SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:22

RaeHitsEbSire · 05/10/2023 13:18

You said your manager 'sh' himself.... Absolutely unnecessary to be so coarse and vulgar.

😂

Another one who thinks that gross terms are ok from a grown woman in an professional job.. OK you do you as they say. So glad to not be like you!!

SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:22

JenniferAnistonsHair2023 · 05/10/2023 13:21

This isn't Netmums hun.

Your tired old trope does not gloss over the fact that your language is gross and vulgar, dear.

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/10/2023 13:24

Your patronising “dear” is infinitely more offensive than explaining that someone shit themselves.

honeycombhead · 05/10/2023 13:25

SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:22

Your tired old trope does not gloss over the fact that your language is gross and vulgar, dear.

Show quote history

Oh bless your innocent little cotton socks.

SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:26

honeycombhead · 05/10/2023 13:25

Oh bless your innocent little cotton socks.

Show quote history

My little old cotton socks are feeling very blessed now you mention it.

SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:28

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/10/2023 13:24

Your patronising “dear” is infinitely more offensive than explaining that someone shit themselves.

To you maybe.. I guess our sense of outrage definitely differs according to what our internal code dictates. Dear vs 'sh**'' - would you prefer your child said the latter? OK you do you then.

Original poster
JenniferAnistonsHair2023 · 05/10/2023 13:30

@SiousieSoo do you regularly join threads just to tell the OP off for swearing rather than trying to contribute or help with the problem in hand?

OP posts:
Limpba · 05/10/2023 13:31

OuiRagamuffin · 04/10/2023 21:08

Argue it from the position of being paid less in reflection of less responsibility.

As a 53 year old still working 5 days a week, I don't know if these menopause policies will help women. In our 30s we had to face interviewers suspecting we might get pregnant, in our 40s we face interviewers suspecting we might have kids to be home for, and now in our 50s we have to face interviewers suspecting we are "slowing down".

I will not be saying the word menopause at work. Even if I have a hysterectomy (not planned) I'll say I had car trouble.

similar age, SLT and similar thoughts on the matter.

tigger1001 · 05/10/2023 13:32

MorvernBlack · 05/10/2023 11:39

I think some women are clueless about what menopause can mean for other women. A bit of insomnia and night sweats is the light end of it. I was terrified I had Alzheimers, couldn't think on my feet, couldn't have discussions/meetings because I couldn't remember names or even remember what I was talking about. Couldn't take in new info at all. My joints were so, so painful and I was vomiting with anxiety, then wetting myself when I vomited.

I know too many women who have given up work or had to reduce their hours, women who lost confidence in driving etc.

And as for those scornful ones who think they've sailed through it - menopause can be the gift that keeps on giving, my Mum was one of those, 5yrs later she started with vaginal atrophy, now she can't be examined and even her underwear makes her bleed. She has constant UTIs, panic attacks, can't drive anymore.

I hope the scornful women on this thread are just 4chan scum. I'd hate to think that women I work/live amongst are so unempathetic. Although I know a few who can't comprehend heavy periods or period pain, so it's not a leap to suspect there are.

It's not feminism to succeed whilst crushing other women. It's not feminism to assume we are the same as men. Equity and equality are not the same thing.

100% this!

I can totally relate to the feeling that it was the start of dementia or Alzheimer's. That's exactly how I was feeling. When I described it as such to the nurse, she commented that lots of women have described it that way.

I don't get the hate surrounding the fact menopause is being talked about much more openly. That's a good thing! It helps so many women realise they are not alone. It should never have been treated as a dirty secret or the butt of jokes etc.

Some women do sail through the menopause. And sadly it's these voices which are loudly shouting down others who are not so lucky. It's doing women a huge disservice.

Women's health has always been lacking. And it's good to see that change, albeit it slowly.

Olive19741205 · 05/10/2023 13:33

SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:12

You said your manager 'sh**' himself.... Absolutely unnecessary to be so coarse and vulgar. I would be mad with any of my children speaking like this but you are a grown woman talking in this way. If you cannot see how vulgar this is then clearly this is on you.

Show quote history

Omg, get a bloody life. I've seen some petty posts over the years on Mumsnet but this one beats them all. If you're too fragile to read the word "shit" on a forum, then perhaps you should find somewhere else.

FunnysInLaJardin · 05/10/2023 13:34

some very depressing attitudes on this thread.

I sincerely hope all of those dismissing the OP as a snowflake etc end up having the most awful menopause and have to retire early because of it.

My sister had a hysterectomy in the late 80's aged 38 and at the time not enough was known about HRT etc. It ended her teaching career and so no, it wasn't always peachy in the olden days.

SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:34

JenniferAnistonsHair2023 · 05/10/2023 13:30

@SiousieSoo do you regularly join threads just to tell the OP off for swearing rather than trying to contribute or help with the problem in hand?

I think when somebody uses such coarse language to describe the pertinent (and supposedly professional) situation at the heart of a dispute, it reveals to me something about their character. And maybe the character traits that I intimated in my post (unpleasant and agressive) are inhibiting their progress in this matter because of the way they come across. Just a thought.... I do not know anyone who would write about their manager in this way. It is a really weird phrase to use when describing a professional encounter.

Zebedee55 · 05/10/2023 13:35

JenniferAnistonsHair2023 · 04/10/2023 21:29

Snowflake menopause obsession? Really? I can only assume you haven't been through it, or you sailed through it.

My fundamental problem is that I don't have a manager who I feel I can approach about this stuff. I'm uncomfortable talking about it with someone who just doesn't get it. I've lost all confidence at work and the accusation of underperformance is only making things worse. I would honestly quit right now and get a low pressure job if I could afford to.

HR BP might be a good call. But the company I work for has made it very difficult to have a conversation with an actual person, not a call centre.

No, I have and don't really understand the fuss. I took HRT, took a couple of goes to get the right make, and, yes, some days you do feel a bit weary and stressed.

But, it's a normal process, and life goes on.🙂

SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:37

Olive19741205 · 05/10/2023 13:33

Omg, get a bloody life. I've seen some petty posts over the years on Mumsnet but this one beats them all. If you're too fragile to read the word "shit" on a forum, then perhaps you should find somewhere else.

Show quote history

It was not 'shit' it was 'sh*t'. Gross and vulgar, but you are another one who thinks it is ok to use this when describing a professional encounter with their manager. OK, up to you. Not appreciating reading this language does not make me fragile at all. If I was fragile, I would not have commented knowing how many people would inevitably put the put in, which has happened.

Original poster
JenniferAnistonsHair2023 · 05/10/2023 13:37

@SiousieSoo that's not the question I asked but never mind.

OP posts:
SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:39

JenniferAnistonsHair2023 · 05/10/2023 13:37

@SiousieSoo that's not the question I asked but never mind.

No but it is relevant and perhaps something for you to think about.

Olive19741205 · 05/10/2023 13:40

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/10/2023 13:24

Your patronising “dear” is infinitely more offensive than explaining that someone shit themselves.

Agreed... and also addressing someone "lovely".

SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:41

Olive19741205 · 05/10/2023 13:40

Agreed... and also addressing someone "lovely".

Show quote history

And I'm the one being told to get a life.... You guys are hilarious!

Olive19741205 · 05/10/2023 13:44

Zebedee55 · 05/10/2023 13:35

No, I have and don't really understand the fuss. I took HRT, took a couple of goes to get the right make, and, yes, some days you do feel a bit weary and stressed.

But, it's a normal process, and life goes on.🙂

Show quote history

Jesus christ. And what about the women who can't take HRT? As long as you were ok eh? "A little weary and stressed"? Lucky you.

Olive19741205 · 05/10/2023 13:47

SiousieSoo · 05/10/2023 13:37

It was not 'shit' it was 'sh*t'. Gross and vulgar, but you are another one who thinks it is ok to use this when describing a professional encounter with their manager. OK, up to you. Not appreciating reading this language does not make me fragile at all. If I was fragile, I would not have commented knowing how many people would inevitably put the put in, which has happened.

Show quote history

You do understand the manager doesn't know about this thread right? You absolutely are fragile/sensitive whatever to be so bothered by this.

Original poster
JenniferAnistonsHair2023 · 05/10/2023 13:47

No I'm ok thanks @SiousieSoo - I don't have an issue with my language, nor do any of the other posters on here with the exception of you.

OP posts: