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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DLA Payments

184 replies

6Cactus · 04/10/2023 17:12

Hi

My son is in full receipt of DLA both components. (Emotional Issues, PTSD and OCD)

I was just wondering am I doing this right? Every month, I allow him to spend the money on whatever he wants. He is 12 years of age (Year 8) and the money is usually spent on Lego, games for his games consoles, art supplies, books etc.

Due to his diagnosis of OCD, the cost of living is very expensive. He will only eat certain foods and the food he likes is pretty expensive, not to mention how much clothing, trainers, underwear, socks and bedding I have to buy for him. To be honest with you, it is really hurts my pocket.

I work, but I’m a single parent, my son has no contact with his father, due to him being the reason why my son has emotional issues and PTSD.

So I don’t get any additional financial support.

Am I doing the right thing by letting him spend his DLA on whatever he wants? AIBU for thinking that slight percentage, perhaps 15-25% should go towards his cost of living?

If you are in receipt of DLA for your child(ren) what do you spend monthly payments on?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Lougle · 09/10/2023 13:08

Happiness does not equal getting what you want.

herringboneparquet · 09/10/2023 14:03

6Cactus · 09/10/2023 11:48

Ok

I have made my decision, I’m just going to continue to let him spend the money on what he wants, although I will encourage him to save some.

His happiness is what is important to me.

This has to be a wind up

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/10/2023 14:16

@herringboneparquet when you have a child who has suffered significant trauma the urge to try and counter that experience can be very strong, and sometimes there’s a “cost” in saying no in the form of very extreme behaviours. Add in the impact of trauma on the OP and I can see how she might get to the “anything for an easy life” mindset. Spending on endless Lego might keep her child occupied on something constructive and help him regulate his emotions to some degree.

It’s not helpful for her or her child in the longer term, but I can see how someone would get there. You really need a backbone of steel (along with deep empathy and compassion) to parent a child with significant trauma.

Original poster
6Cactus · 09/10/2023 16:41

@Jellycatspyjamas

Thank you for your comment, I am glad that someone here understands. I tried telling people, but it has only been disregarded.

My son went to school today, he had a good day. He will do this homework, then I’ll leave him to do whatever makes him happy.

OP posts:
Thewizardbinbag · 09/10/2023 16:47

6Cactus · 09/10/2023 16:41

@Jellycatspyjamas

Thank you for your comment, I am glad that someone here understands. I tried telling people, but it has only been disregarded.

My son went to school today, he had a good day. He will do this homework, then I’ll leave him to do whatever makes him happy.

OP, that’s not what that poster was saying.

She, and most people, understand how you got here but that poster and everyone else is telling you that it needs to stop. You are not helping your son. You are not preparing him for his life. You are doing him harm in the long run.

nothingcomestonothing · 09/10/2023 16:49

Thank you for your comment, I am glad that someone here understands. I tried telling people, but it has only been disregarded.

People disagreeing with you is not 'being disregarded '. I and others have posted about how we too are parenting traumatised children. We do understand, we just don't agree with what you're doing.

My son went to school today, he had a good day. He will do this homework, then I’ll leave him to do whatever makes him happy.

Well let's hope 'whatever makes him happy' isn't putting next door's windows through, or tying a firework to the cat, or giving himself a facial tattoo eh?

You need to parent your child - even when it's difficult, even when he doesn't like it. Parent your child now, before this situation gets any more difficult to sort.

Brokendaughter · 09/10/2023 17:05

You are making your sons life harder in the long run.

You are teaching him not to value money or savings & to live way above his income.

The money is not meant to be spent on causing further damage, it is meant to be spent on things that will actually help him overcome some of the barriers his disabilities put into his life that others don't have to deal with.

That might be counselling, or speech therapy.
It could be certain foods, a weighted blanket/visual aid/tech that helps him with his own difficulties, transport, or a special club set up for people who find regular ones hard to attend.
It might even be the odd bit of Lego.
It is not pocket money.

Buying whatever crap he wants when he wants without thought & expecting hundreds of pounds of pocket money at his age, he's only going to expect you to provide him with the thousands it will cost to cater to a teenagers random whims.

He will not thank you for doing this.
He will almost certainly grow up to hate you, because you are not preparing him to live life in the community he is a part of.
Real life is going to be like getting smacked in the face with a brick wall when he has to navigate it.

You are setting him up to fail just so you don't have to do the work of being a parent.

Thewizardbinbag · 09/10/2023 17:09

She isn’t going to listen. This is, sadly, a child who will become a statistic. Another kid from a broken home who won’t grow to a well adjusted adult. She has the means to pay for therapy and tutors and extra curricular activities to help him cope with the anxieties he no doubt has, but is going to hand him several hundred pounds a month to spend on shit which isn’t helping him. It gives him a moment’s happiness but isn’t actually helping him adjust or improve his conditions in the long term, and that’s what the money is actually meant to be for.

Just another kid from an abusive home left to deal with his trauma without the help he should have, even with the money available. It’s very sad.

Condo · 09/10/2023 17:12

Christ this and the child benefit thread has made me seriously think the rules about state handouts should be seriously re-thought

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/10/2023 17:42

Another kid from a broken home who won’t grow to a well adjusted adult.

I know what you’re trying to say, but a PTSD diagnosis at 12 suggests life altering trauma - the child may never get to a place of “well adjusted”, regardless of all the therapy in the world. It’s commonplace for the parent to then in many subtle and not so subtle ways to receive messages that it’s their parenting to blame - if they had been more loving, set more boundaries, been more therapeutic in their parenting their child would be fine. I’ve had it about my DD and luckily have the professional background to challenge those judgements. If you haven’t parented a child with deep seated trauma you literally have no idea.

In saying that @6Cactus I do understand what it’s like, but I think you’re wrong in giving him free rein over his DLA. It’s too much money for him to be responsible for, and leaving the household short of the very funds needed (and provided) to bridge the gap. You’re strong up trouble for him and for you if you don’t get a grip of it - yes it’s bloody difficult and yes it’s not fair but he needs you to set clear boundaries while you still have a bit of control over him. He’ll hate it and push back (as he has done) but he needs you to hold firm boundaries or he won’t learn how to set and hold his own boundaries.

The suggestion of using some of the money for a specialist parenting course is a good one. If you look for something aimed at adopters it’ll give you the skills needed to parent a child with complex trauma. Also use the money for therapy for yourself to help you stand firm with your child.

Dont confuse a placid child with a happy child, any child who gets their own way will be easy, but smooth seas never made a good sailor.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 09/10/2023 17:52

I put some of my DS DLA in to an ISA that he can access when he turns 18, might support him in adulthood if he needs it, if not its a deposit on a house, or a car etc. Some of it I give him to spend, and some of it I use for activities for him like swimming lessons, or days out.

YellowRosesWithRedTips · 09/10/2023 19:44

Be careful saving in DC’s name, especially if they may not have capacity as an adult or may need social care support as an adult.

Shardonneigghhh · 09/10/2023 21:50

My son is Autistic and receives high rate care, low rate mobility. His money mostly pays bills which enables me to work 3 days a week instead of 5. I am also a single parent. Having me around more is what he needs the most.

Original poster
6Cactus · 09/10/2023 22:43

I don’t mean it in a rude way, but I don’t think you should be spending your sons money on household bills.

OP posts:
Thewizardbinbag · 09/10/2023 22:45

6Cactus · 09/10/2023 22:43

I don’t mean it in a rude way, but I don’t think you should be spending your sons money on household bills.

Thats what it is for. She needs to be home to care for him, so it pays the bills she can’t pay if she works fewer hours, and she needs to work fewer hours because she has a child with additional needs who needs her to be home. That is exactly what it’s for.

You are the one using it in a irresponsible and completely wrong way. You’re the one failing your kid, you’re in no position to judge anyone.

Seryse · 09/10/2023 22:58

@6Cactus you aren't doing him any favours, I promise you that. I was legally adopted by my grandparents when I was 7 due to my biological mother being a twat (that's the nice version). They spoiled me to compensate for it and as a result as a teen and I was fucking HORRIBLE. I ran rings around them, threw fits when I didn't get my own way, all because like you they just wanted peace and let me away with it. When I first moved out I had a rough time adjusting to dealing with money because like your son, I had a ton of it to play with and didn't budget/plan.

Honestly, it will not end well. It fucked my head right up for years and years after, please don't do that to your son.

Seryse · 09/10/2023 23:00

Hit enter too early.....

Give him a set amount, of course, but don't give him all of it, that's not helping him at all.

Shardonneigghhh · 09/10/2023 23:03

No offence taken. I looked at what would be of the most value to my son, and realised that was my time. So i use his dla to get that for him. I am happy with my decision.

I don't think you should be spending the money intended to meet your son's additional needs, on lego..

"Due to his diagnosis of OCD, the cost of living is very expensive. He will only eat certain foods and the food he likes is pretty expensive, not to mention how much clothing, trainers, underwear, socks and bedding I have to buy for him. To be honest with you, it is really hurts my pocket."

This is what i think you should be spending it on.

Needmorelego · 09/10/2023 23:05

@6Cactus if I didn't put my daughter's DLA into the family pot of money we would be homeless, naked and very hungry.
Husbands wage doesn't quite cover everything. If my daughter wasn't autistic I would be working - but she needs me at home so at home I am. I get Carers Allowance but that's not the equivalent of a wage.
We need the DLA to pay towards....well life !
And THAT'S WHAT IT IS FOR 🙄
(sorry to shout but I..... actually not sorry to shout)

herringboneparquet · 09/10/2023 23:19

6Cactus · 09/10/2023 22:43

I don’t mean it in a rude way, but I don’t think you should be spending your sons money on household bills.

Surely it's better spent on bills than lego

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/10/2023 06:58

I don’t mean it in a rude way, but I don’t think you should be spending your sons money on household bills.

Its not her sons money, it’s money to meet her sons additional needs.

Lougle · 10/10/2023 07:13

Ultimately, you'll do what you do and you'll see the consequences. DD1 gets PIP and can't manage her own money. I take care of it and I give her £50 per month pocket money which is spent as quickly as it comes. She's had a formal capacity assessment and very clearly told the social worker that as far as she is concerned, money is to be spent as quickly as possible on toys, even though it should be spent on bills first. The assessment concluded that she has the capacity to understand that she doesn't have the capacity to manage money, so she will make an LPA as soon as she turns 18. If the SW had assessed her as not having the capacity to understand that she'd be terrible with money, I'd have to apply for deputyship.

DD2 is transitioning on to PIP. She could technically manage her own money but, in contrast to DD1, gets very anxious about spending even small amounts of money, and can't talk to people to manage her money. I had a conversation with her to explain that she is allowed to keep her own PghIP, but if she did so she would need to buy things she needs, or I could manage her money and give her an allowance out of it. She opted for me to be her appointee.

I think you are dodging a vital responsibility to your child for an easy life.

x2boys · 10/10/2023 07:32

6Cactus · 09/10/2023 22:43

I don’t mean it in a rude way, but I don’t think you should be spending your sons money on household bills.

Yes far better to.let him waste it on Lego
Never mind that we can't afford to live without it 🙄🙄

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/10/2023 09:53

6Cactus · 09/10/2023 22:43

I don’t mean it in a rude way, but I don’t think you should be spending your sons money on household bills.

Don't be ridiculous! The money is for the additional costs of having a disabled child. If I gave my son the DLA payments, it would be gone in a day and he'd still be begging me for more because he's compulsive. Instead, it goes into the pot, he had pocket money and I also save a bit for larger items. Otherwise, it's towards the endless uniform, clothes, shoes and food. So much food. I think you need a better understanding of what DLA is for.

Thewizardbinbag · 10/10/2023 09:57

The OP really doesn’t understand the difference between “his money” and “money for his needs.”

The whole thing is just very very sad because a child is being failed when the financial means are there to give him the best possible chance to overcome his trauma by providing for his needs with more substantial help than a Lego set. It’s just very sad. He will be in an awful state when he ages up and doesn’t have this sort of money, and be a terrible teen. Spoilt kids never make good teens and adults, and this kid has even more challenges. Just very very sad.