DLA Payments

[6Cactus]

Hi

My son is in full receipt of DLA both components. (Emotional Issues, PTSD and OCD)

I was just wondering am I doing this right? Every month, I allow him to spend the money on whatever he wants. He is 12 years of age (Year 8) and the money is usually spent on Lego, games for his games consoles, art supplies, books etc.

Due to his diagnosis of OCD, the cost of living is very expensive. He will only eat certain foods and the food he likes is pretty expensive, not to mention how much clothing, trainers, underwear, socks and bedding I have to buy for him. To be honest with you, it is really hurts my pocket.

I work, but I’m a single parent, my son has no contact with his father, due to him being the reason why my son has emotional issues and PTSD.

So I don’t get any additional financial support.

Am I doing the right thing by letting him spend his DLA on whatever he wants? AIBU for thinking that slight percentage, perhaps 15-25% should go towards his cost of living?

If you are in receipt of DLA for your child(ren) what do you spend monthly payments on?

Thanks for reading.

I have an 11 year old son in receipt of dla, mid and low rate. When we first received it it went into the household pot as I had given up work to support him (single parent) As he's got older i have returned to work, and the money now goes on sports clubs, and general things he needs. He has lots of sensory bits and bobs. But some of the money also goes on things he breaks, household items, he doesn't break things deliberately but he fiddles and picks at things which results in breakages. I have also used the money for special toothbuses and family holidays. His disability impacts all of us.

Is he in therapy? The DLA should be paying for therapy, and whatever the therapists suggest would help him.
Is he having tutor support to help him with subjects in school he is finding hard as he doesn’t attend school as often as he should?

The money is to provide what he needs, actually needs to help manage his conditions. And you’re using it on Lego for an easy life?

I don’t find many threads on here actually shocking or upsetting, but this is as a child is being badly failed when they money is there and available to give him what he needs.

Yes, he has been to therapy I was paying for it out of my own money.

It was going well, but then he decided he didn’t want to go anymore.

Just to add I would absolutely not be giving him all of that money to do as he pleases with. My son receives £20 a month pocket money and that's it. Your really doing him mo favours in giving him access to such a large amount of money as his age.

DLA is supposed to go towards the additional costs you face because of disability. As a wheelchair user my DLA (now PIP) goes towards funding my wheelchair, vehicle to move the wheelchair (it's a big electric so needs a van and a hoist), and in theory things like walking sticks. It doesn't come remotely close to actually covering the cost of my disability, but I am very grateful for it.

Letting him spend the DLA on computer games when you are struggling financially is insane. As a child it's not his money to spend on toys, it is the money you, as his carer, use to spend on him for the things he needs to manage his disability. Having a disabled child is expensive, you've already mentioned his food, I bet there's loads of ways things are more expensive for you than they would be if he didn't have these difficulties. Give him some for the Lego if you feel it's therapeutically beneficial for him, but stick the rest in the general pot. Being disabled is an expensive business, DLA is supposed to cover some of that expense. Don't feel guilty about using it for what you need.

This is insane. I’m sorry Op but it has to be said, he’s incredibly spoilt & you’ve built a rod for your own back here. How on earth does he even know you get £690 per month? This is unreal.

let him call the police, they’ll laugh. You need to find the strength within yourself to curb this fast. I really do feel for you & it’s going to be hard. Best of luck Op

I've got 2 adopted DC who receive DLA due to trauma caused in their birth family. So you don't need to explain traumatised children who've been through parental abuse and playing of the court system to me.

Spend some of the DLA on a parenting course. I'm being serious - parenting a traumatised child is hard work and takes skill. Your son needs firm consistent boundaries to feel safe. He need to know that an adult can be trusted to make the best decisions for him and that he as a child is not in charge of that. These are things that children who have been abused and let down can struggle with. You are not doing the best for your child by giving him what he wants for an easier life, and you're storing up a load of trouble for you both in the nearish future if you don't address this now.

Yes, he has been to therapy I was paying for it out of my own money.

I think part of the problem is that you don’t see DLA as “your money”, which it is - it’s to support the additional household costs of caring for a disabled child. It’s not his money, it’s money for him - there’s a big difference.

This might be one of the most beneficial comments for you @6Cactus. You should think about this and really take this on board.

It is not his money for whatever he wants as a child. It is money to be used on him and his needs to help manage them, which includes any extra household expenses due to his needs. It isn’t his money and you are going to have to put your foot down.

Do you understand that he doesn’t get to make this decision? You don’t need his permission. You tell him how it will be from now on, you do not give him the money, not even £200/300 of it. He doesn’t need it. You do need it to finances his needs. Give him £50 a month allowance and that’s that.

Stop the bullshit easy life excuse because you’re not helping him. It’s going to be tough for you, you’re going to have a few months of anger and fighting from him and you’ll have to hold firm on this and just get through it until he understands.

It won’t be easy. Accept that right now. This will be hard work, hard parenting. You’ll get through it but this is a big step for you and a big challenge for him as he has been so spoilt and his world view is so warped. It’s a lot of damage to undo, but for his sake, you really need to do it.

Quoting this again.

OP, you need support to parent your child. He’s 12 and controlling you. His past trauma is not a reason to never parent him again. He needs consistency.

If you give him £300 a month that is £3600 a year to fritter away on lego and other stuff to keep him quiet and no doubt he will get birthday and Christmas gifts too.

If you don't get a handle on his behaviour now just imagine what an entitled and unpleasant young man he will be in 10 years time.

D.L.A should be spent to cover the extra costs of a disability....taxis, extra bedding or clothes, support to access activities things like that.

Your giving him all his money every week!

That's a ridiculous amount and you are lining him up to be exploited when other children see he has so much
My sons I paid for swimming lessons, clubs use it to buy the large amounts of clothing just so we can find what they are comfortable in, bolstering the family income as I am forced to work part time to deal with all their appointments.
Oh breakages when we have meltdowns, electricity bill as they insist on having fans on all night.

No. The whole lot should go on the extra costs of raising a child with a disability. That's what it supposed to be for.

You really do need to get a grip on this now, it is going to be SO much harder as he gets older.

He will start to draw the attention of his peers, you risk him trying to buy friendships, having hangers on out for what they can get, him potentially being bullied out of his money, or conned..

You have an opportunity, now, to sort this out, to his benefit - what happens when he turns 16, if he is used to all this money and then fails to successfully claim PIP? Which he very well might, it's extremely hard to claim and requires a lot of evidence, not simply a diagnosis.

This is a spot on answer.

It sounds like you yourself have poor boundaries.
No 12 year old needs that amount of money or needs to have details of your finances.

Him not wanting to go to therapy. He's 12. You're the mum so he goes.

Give him 50 a month is plenty. Get him back in therapy.
Give him structure and boundaries.
You're wanting an easy life is going to cause him to fail. He'll end up a manipulative and violent man as that's what happens.

If he won't go to therapy himself then I would be using the money for you to see a clinical psychologist who specialises in parenting traumatised children. They you can work with you on how to effectively parent your son. You need to be working towards your son being an independent adult and supporting his emotional growth. It sounds like you are both stuck at present.

Ok

I have made my decision, I’m just going to continue to let him spend the money on what he wants, although I will encourage him to save some.

His happiness is what is important to me.

Well, good luck with the type of adult he is going to turn into. It isn’t about his happiness. It’s about an easy life for you and avoiding the hard parenting, but it’s the hard parenting that kids need the most. You’re failing him. But you do you.

Lol righto

Well good luck with the teenager you will have on your hands in a few years.

You are failing your son in order to have a quiet life. This isn't you prioritising his happiness, this is you prioritising avoiding conflict because you don't want to deal with it.

I feel sorry for your son, both of his parents have let him down. Sorry if you think that's harsh but it's true.

As he's already received it, it will be harder to take it back after the event

I would approach with 2 options -

1. have the full amount and pay your own expenses (have a list of the expenses, so half the gas, electric, water, internet (if it's just you 2 at home) full cost of all clothing and replacement bedding/furniture etc for himself, money towards petrol for any outings for himself, pay fully for anything needed which assists in terms of his disability)

1. Have the lower amount and you will continue to resolve the other expenses

Surely it goes into your bank account. So either you have to hand him the cash or hand over your card for him to spend it.
Does he go shopping by himself?
Simply don't take him shopping. Don't give him access to online sites. Don't give him cash. Don't give him access to your bank account.

I'm sorry, but I think this is a terrible idea.
I support an adult with complex learning and physical disabilities, and help him with lots of financial decisions, sorting bills, clothing, food, etc.

I have explained to him so many times about why he gets the money he does, and why I put some into an account for him to spend on sweets, going to the pub for a coke, etc. - and I manage the rest for his electricity, gas, etc. We also talk about when he might need a new coat, shoes, TV, also.
Although he would love to have more money to spend on chocolate and ice cream, we talk about why it's important to put £50 a month aside, in case he needed a new TV (or other larger outlays). It takes regular reminding, but he eventually comes around to it, although can be quite huffy too!

I think it might be time for you to be regularly having those conversations. Otherwise, it will be a massive shock when you aren't there, or when his income changes, for example. It's a long road, with regular blow ups/tears, but what will he do otherwise, when he's 18?

His happiness is what is important to me.

But he isn’t happy - meeting your emotional needs by buying whatever you want isn’t happiness, him bullying you into doing what he wants isn’t happiness. You struggling to cover the basics for him isn’t happiness.

Yes we need to be child centred in our parenting but that means taking the bigger view on things our children can’t see yet. It doesn’t mean giving him what he wants. Some short term pain is so needed at times, our children need to become functioning adults or we’re doing them a huge disservice.

I get the desire to keep him on an even keel, trauma can bring with it very challenging behaviours and we can be tempted to do anything to avoid having to deal with that behaviour - I do get it. The problem is our kids need to learn how to cope with disappointment, unhappiness and unfairness because life is that way sometimes. It means setting and holding boundaries with and for them.

Are you honestly thinking of his unhappiness or are you wanting to avoid challenge?