DLA Payments

[6Cactus]

Hi

My son is in full receipt of DLA both components. (Emotional Issues, PTSD and OCD)

I was just wondering am I doing this right? Every month, I allow him to spend the money on whatever he wants. He is 12 years of age (Year 8) and the money is usually spent on Lego, games for his games consoles, art supplies, books etc.

Due to his diagnosis of OCD, the cost of living is very expensive. He will only eat certain foods and the food he likes is pretty expensive, not to mention how much clothing, trainers, underwear, socks and bedding I have to buy for him. To be honest with you, it is really hurts my pocket.

I work, but I’m a single parent, my son has no contact with his father, due to him being the reason why my son has emotional issues and PTSD.

So I don’t get any additional financial support.

Am I doing the right thing by letting him spend his DLA on whatever he wants? AIBU for thinking that slight percentage, perhaps 15-25% should go towards his cost of living?

If you are in receipt of DLA for your child(ren) what do you spend monthly payments on?

Thanks for reading.

*I give him the money to spend of whatever he likes, just for a quieter life, I hope some people here understand?

He went to school today, but also had a bad day. I also find it extremely difficult to punish him.*

You’ll find it even more difficult when he reaches the point of being beyond discipline and he’s used to having it all his own way. I understand the desire for a quieter life but you’re struggling to make ends meet when there’s a significant amount of money coming into the house specifically to ease things in your situation.

You really need to find your authority as a parent, set some boundaries.

My DD has been referred for ASD and ADHD assessments. We don't currently claim DLA, but plan to once we have some evidence. She has huge sensory issues (movement, clothing, temperature, currently goes to sleep on floor as she can't stand all the sensory elements of sleeping in a bed).

I am paying £500 for a private occupational therapy assessment; actual therapy sessions are then £90 an hour. It seems like I am constantly buying different clothes, socks, etc due to her not being able to bear many types and then them feeling different once they have been washed a few times! She often seems generally pretty dysregulated so looking into various sensory bits of equipment like indoor swings and gym balls, etc.

Those are the sort of things I imagine I would use DLA for (if we were ever awarded anything).

I still don't see how you can spend £700 on Lego a month. Surely he's got every Lego set he's ever wanted by now?

OP didn’t say her DS spent the whole £700 on Lego every month.

However, it would be quite easy to spend that these days. Lego has become expensive. There are a couple of sets more than £700 each and a couple of dozen sets £3/4/500 each.

They literally tell you it is for the extra costs involved due to raising a disabled child. That is what it is awarded for.

True. But a 12 year old who has no social life or expensive tastes in designer goods would be hard pressed to spend over £8k a year on toys.

OP didn’t say it was only spent on toys.

But, again, it would be possible to spend that much on Lego alone.

No my kids don't get their DLA it's used so I can work pt to meet their needs household bills and OTlilr one to one swimming and tutors. We have pocket money and reward system to earn extra.

You don't need to wait for a diagnosis - you can apply now and fill it in with all the examples you have of her needs. It can take ages to be awarded so sooner the better, if they want more evidence from professionals they will ask once they start looking at the application.

Edited for typo

I'd give him some, save some on his behalf and use the rest for things he needs due to issues he may have. My son gets dla for autism. We use some of it for 1.1 swimming lessons. He can't manage in a group.

Thanks.... So they wouldn't automatically decline it if it was submitted without evidence?

No, not necessarily. However, you can get evidence that isn’t a diagnosis. For example, get a copy of the referrals. Also, any other evidence from the GP, school etc.

You are not helping him by letting him have access to that much money so young. He is going to get warped ideas about how much disposable income he'll have access to over the next few years and may struggle to adjust later on. That's more than I've had most of my adult life and I'm mid 30s.

I've been entitled to DLA/PIP since I was a toddler and my parents kept all of it and used it on living expenses until I was 15. I then got a £40 a week allowance from it that slowly went up as I took over more responsibility for my own living costs (buying my own clothes and toiletries etc) until I moved out a few years later and the money fully transferred over to me. This helped teach me how to budget and I managed to stay debt free (until the col crisis anyway).

You’ve turned him into a spoilt brat. He is acting like any other spoilt child. When I first read this thread, I assumed he was getting maybe a couple hundred in DLA but to learn he was getting that huge amount and you’ve given it to him to buy whatever shit he wants… it’s unbelievable. What were you thinking?

The money is given to help pay for his additional needs. That’s what it is for. To pay for things he needs, to help you pay for his extra expenses.

You’re going to have to sit him down and show him a list of all the extra stuff he needs due to his issues, which other parents don’t have to pay for, and explain that his DLA is actually meant to be used for these things. Some of it can be used on Lego or whatever but his expenses have to be covered first.

You have to be tough. You have to treat him like a child who you guide and teach rather than an adult who makes his own decision. Be tough, stand your ground on this, and punish him for rude or bad behaviour. He can call the police all he likes; the money is to be used for his additional needs and that’s what you will be doing. The police will not care and hopefully they’ll give him a fright for wasting their time.

There's a section that can be filled in by 'someone who knows them well. We go the SENCO at DS's school to do it.

You can send a copy of EHCP, SEND suport plan, minutes from meeting with school or nursery, or any school reports that describe their difficulties, you have any of them.

Referral letter, or reports from any appointments you've had prior to getting referred. I think we'd seen pediatrician, Speech & Language and educational Psychologist before we got to assessment/diagnosis. Think we might have had a letter from health visitor aswell.

You generally need some evidence ,even if it's only one letter etc ,you will.get people saying they were awarded without evidence but many more are refused with evidence
Its about care needs not diagnosis .

Thank you @YellowRosesWithRedTips, @x2boys, @Sprogonthetyne

We're quite early on in the process, so we've only seen a community paediatrician for an initial ASD appointment so far. Have got a report from that, but it was mainly just a summary of what I said in the meeting. She did obviously say she recommended further assessment for ASD (and recommended the school refer for ADHD).

DD masks a lot at school, so the only things they've picked up on are being easily distracted and "dominant in play". The SENCO is okay, but I don't think we're particularly a priority as there's no concerns academically nor behaviourally.

They don't see the sensory aversion behaviour or the extreme routine rigidity. Though it has spilled over a little since the start of term as her meltdowns in the morning (either about clothing, shoes or not wanting to go to school) have left her so dysregulated that she's been refusing to go in at the school gate/office (averaging 1-3 times a week) and on a couple of occasions had a meltdown in the school office.

As I said, I have arranged a private OT assessment, so might be able to use that.

Honestly I would spend time gathering evidence it sounds like your daughter has some additional needs as I said you don't have to have a diagnosis but you generally have to have some evidence
It will be alott easier to claim with good evidence
My son was three when he was diagnosed and I only put in a claim.when he had a diagnosis i.was probably late in putting in a claim.
But having good evidence substantiates a claim

I just give it to him for a much easier life. He has past trauma and also has a diagnosis of PTSD. If I were to explain to you, I’m sure you’d all understand.

His father turned him against me, made him stand in court and tell lies so that I couldn’t see him.

Then when he got custody of him, he would leave my son with anyone who would agree to have him. My son has been through a lot and seen a lot.

That's neither here nor there really. The level of trauma is irrelevant. The fact is that giving a 12 year old £700 to spend on toys and games every month isn't doing them any favours.

No, I don't understand. Even as someone with severe PTSD. You're letting him call the shots age 12, how do you think this will work out when he is 16? How will he ever learn to live a normal life? It may give you "an easier life" but your lack of boundaries may actually be causing him even more harm.

Ok

What do you think will happen if he phones the police? Nothing. Let him.

Sounds as if he needs a bit of a wake up call.

Easier life indeed. Your life's going to be well shit when he hits 15 if you don't start parenting him.

Giving a child something they shouldn’t have (because it is hurting him in the long run) just for an easy life is bad parenting. You’re shirking your duties as his parent. That’s the bottom line.

Your easy life is going to turn his into a lifelong struggle to understand money, budgeting, boundaries. You are setting him up to fail. So, you’re easy life doesn’t sound worth it, does it?

Be a parent.

I just give it to him for a much easier life. He has past trauma and also has a diagnosis of PTSD. If I were to explain to you, I’m sure you’d all understand.

I have a deeply traumatised 12 year old, what she needs is a secure home, clear boundaries and appropriate responsibilities to her age (along with therapy, medical care and specialist education provision). There’s no way I’d give her such a significant amount of money each month, it’s too much responsibility for her age and capacity. If I gave her her DLA it would go on clothes and Robux, instead of paying for tutor support that she needs.

I can understand you wanting to have an easier life in the short term but you’re doing him no favours. Parenting a traumatised child is very very hard work but if he’s telling you at 12 what he will and won’t do, it’s not going to be an easy life for anyone in the longer term. Especially if you’re struggling to make ends meet. If it were my daughter I’d give her an allowance each month and help her to budget and save for things she wants. Much harder in the short term but that’s parenting really.