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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DLA Payments

184 replies

6Cactus · 04/10/2023 17:12

Hi

My son is in full receipt of DLA both components. (Emotional Issues, PTSD and OCD)

I was just wondering am I doing this right? Every month, I allow him to spend the money on whatever he wants. He is 12 years of age (Year 8) and the money is usually spent on Lego, games for his games consoles, art supplies, books etc.

Due to his diagnosis of OCD, the cost of living is very expensive. He will only eat certain foods and the food he likes is pretty expensive, not to mention how much clothing, trainers, underwear, socks and bedding I have to buy for him. To be honest with you, it is really hurts my pocket.

I work, but I’m a single parent, my son has no contact with his father, due to him being the reason why my son has emotional issues and PTSD.

So I don’t get any additional financial support.

Am I doing the right thing by letting him spend his DLA on whatever he wants? AIBU for thinking that slight percentage, perhaps 15-25% should go towards his cost of living?

If you are in receipt of DLA for your child(ren) what do you spend monthly payments on?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
HouseHassle · 04/10/2023 18:37

3WildOnes · 04/10/2023 18:14

I was also confused by this. Surprised by the higher rate care component too.

Show quote history

To qualify for high rate care you need to meet the middle rate criteria plus need so much care during the night as well. My son gets high rate care as he wakes during the night (for several hours) and is not safe to be left unsupervised.

Babyroobs · 04/10/2023 18:51

TiredArse · 04/10/2023 17:39

Is this a wind up?

That would be £182 a week!

surely it would be better spent on therapy than on Lego?

I think it must be a wind up ?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2023 19:07

So your child is spending hundreds of pounds a month on toys whilst you struggle to pay for his basics?

Yes op, I'd say you're doing it wrong. There isn't a set right way but I'm any house where you're struggling to make ends meet and someone is spending hundreds on toys they don't need, isn't doing it right.

I understand you're trying to make his life "nice" but you aren't doing him any favours long term.

Use them money for the specialist stuff he needs, the clothes and food etc. It's there impart to cover those extra costs. Pay for treatments or therapies or hobbies that enhance his life. If you need to use some of it to pay the rent and electricity, that's also fine. If there's money for him to use as pocket money that's great.

I'm at least hoping he's an only child?

RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance · 04/10/2023 19:09

I'm currently spending my child's DLA on childcare, therapy, and enrichment activities. I wouldn't give the money direct to him, but rather use it to make his life better in ways he isn't old enough to access or understand for himself. Therapy is one million percent better for him than what he'd want to spend it on - sweets and toys.

Dnendns · 04/10/2023 19:12

My son gets DLA.

I use it on holidays, days out for him and I save it.

I cover all his day to day needs.

Everythinghasgonetoshit · 04/10/2023 19:26

We are in the process of applying. My son has complex needs so we are hoping for at least middle rate, if not higher as he needs night care. He eats and stains his clothes, needs chewlery and we have spent money on an ipad for a communication app and got him a new SN buggy recently. Spent close to the grand in a few months, so it will go to replacing that.

We are probably just going to save most of it if we can for emergencies or to help him in the future. If I have to give up work it will go towards that,(although it will nowhere near covered my salary, so i hope not) but for now it's just things he needs and saving, or for outings when he can manage them.

My son is at the severe end of the spectrum and he would probably just try to eat the money rather than spend it as he has no concept of what it is.

Sprogonthetyne · 04/10/2023 19:44

It's up to you, so I won't say your doing it 'wrong', but I wouldn't be letting DS spend it all on toys. My DS's just goes into the main pot,

some covers the shortfall of me having to reduce work hours.

Some of it covers his more expensive fussy eating or thing he brakes and need replacing more often.

Some of it covers fun stuff, like outings or means that he can get a toy from the giftshop or icecream when we go out

Some covers the extra petrol/ car costs of having to drive short distances that others would walk

Thewizardbinbag · 04/10/2023 19:51

You are setting him up for a very difficult life. As an adult, he simply won’t have £700 a month to spend on whatever shit he wants. Allowing him that during childhood is going to give him a very skewed outlook on life. Even kids with additional needs should learn what they can about real life, as much as they can understand.
There might not be a “wrong” way to do it but sorry, yours is very wrong. And really needs to stop.
That money is to cover the extra expenses his needs create, so you should be using it for his food and extra clothing etc. He can have £50/100 a month himself if you really want.

pennyfest · 04/10/2023 20:43

DS's DLA just goes in to the general household budget. It goes some way to make up for the fact that I can only work certain hours (as childcare for a teenager with additional needs is non existent.) We've also purchased extra things to benefit him, such as sensory resources.

sausagelestrange · 04/10/2023 20:50

My sons DLA (medium band so £282 every 4 weeks), I put in a separate account and use it to buy anything he needs, replacing things that get lost or broken (he has ADHD so this happens a lot), and the money helps me pay for school trips etc that he wants to go on.

Original poster
6Cactus · 05/10/2023 08:54

Thank for all your replies, I am going to start giving him £250-300 max out of his money monthly.

He is in receipt of high because his needs are very complex.

Like this morning, I have a school refuser and there’s nothing that I can do to tempt him to go to school. I’m going to have to take him to work with me.

OP posts:
x2boys · 05/10/2023 09:05

HouseHassle · 04/10/2023 18:07

I'm not sure I buy this. How does your son meet the eligibility criteria for higher rate mobility DLA?

The higher rate mobility component can be paid to a child from the age of three years. It is for children who are unable, or virtually unable to walk, or where the exertion required to walk would constitute a danger to their life or would be likely to lead to a serious deterioration in their health.

Its also for children who.have severe mental impairment ,my son gets it for that but he's 13 severe autism/ learning disabilities, non verbal Cognitively around 2_or 3etc ,etc
I'm also wondering how the Op,s child met the criteria🤔

Spanglemum02 · 05/10/2023 09:16

The DLA is for you to help with the additional costs of a child with disabilities. By all means give him some as pocket money but not all of it. When he gets PIP when he's 16 it will technically be his money (the DLA is your money) but even then you can use it to contribute towards fuel bills for example.

I know it's going to be difficult to change the situation but it's not HIS money.

Starlightstarbright2 · 05/10/2023 09:18

I find it hard to comprehend a child with such complex needs has any grasp of money .

if this is true how is this helping ?

my Ds ‘s Dla did pay for tutoring , activities , travel . additional sensory clothing , weighted blanket .

I literally don’t see how this benefits a child ..
if he is on higher rate mobility this is to support the child’s travel . I am not sure colouring in helps .

Original poster
6Cactus · 05/10/2023 09:19

You don’t need to worry about how my son met the requirements, as previously stated my sons needs are very complex.

OP posts:
Original poster
6Cactus · 05/10/2023 09:21

I will explain to him in the next few days, I agree with the poster who said giving him the money is literally spoiling him.

My son has been through a lot, so I try my best to do anything to make him happy. Building Lego, playing games, and art keeps him occupied.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 05/10/2023 09:25

That is a lot of money. Is he getting counselling/therapy to address his issues> Tutoring to make up for the school refusal? Quite apart from the day to day costs of looking after him, which this money could be going towards, it could be going towards expert help for him to manage his conditions longer-term. Seems bizarre to give that much money to a 12yo to spend on toys and games.

HouseHassle · 05/10/2023 09:29

6Cactus · 05/10/2023 09:21

I will explain to him in the next few days, I agree with the poster who said giving him the money is literally spoiling him.

My son has been through a lot, so I try my best to do anything to make him happy. Building Lego, playing games, and art keeps him occupied.

It may keep him occupied but at 700 a month your house must rival Legoland.

I've been very grateful this month that we've been able to save 3 years worth of DLA for a rainy day, as we have had to use it for private assessments and legal fees. I would encourage anyone to save it for such a rainy day (obviously if not required for day to day living) as you never know when you might need it.

x2boys · 05/10/2023 09:32

HouseHassle · 05/10/2023 09:29

It may keep him occupied but at 700 a month your house must rival Legoland.

I've been very grateful this month that we've been able to save 3 years worth of DLA for a rainy day, as we have had to use it for private assessments and legal fees. I would encourage anyone to save it for such a rainy day (obviously if not required for day to day living) as you never know when you might need it.

Show quote history

Obviously you can spend DLA on whatever you want but its not really supposed be saved for a rainy day it's supposed to be for the added every day costs of having a disabled child

Capturetotalelotion · 05/10/2023 09:40

I spend my DS’s DLA on private OT and private psychiatry.

LookingForPurpose · 05/10/2023 10:09

6Cactus · 05/10/2023 08:54

Thank for all your replies, I am going to start giving him £250-300 max out of his money monthly.

He is in receipt of high because his needs are very complex.

Like this morning, I have a school refuser and there’s nothing that I can do to tempt him to go to school. I’m going to have to take him to work with me.

So he really IS spoiled then. From now on every single penny he gets would be tied to him going to school. Miss one single day because you don't want to go in? Your pocket money is ZERO.

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/10/2023 11:18

I personally wouldn't do that. My son is the same age but suffers with compulsive behaviour and it would be gone in minutes. Like you I'm a lone parent but a non working carer. The money goes into the household pot. Son gets pocket money and I save some towards big ticket things. Otherwise it goes towards bills, the adult size clothes and shoes I have to buy him and food (compulsive eating). Ultimately you spend it on what you want but in wouldn't give that amount to a 12 year old on a monthly basis.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 05/10/2023 11:32

Oh my gosh, I would NOT be giving any 12 year old that kind of money to spend on themselves!
DS is 11 and gets middle rate care and low rate mobility.
It goes into the general housekeeping money and is used to benefit the whole family.
It has made it possible for me to home educate him, so he's benefiting that way.
And I recently needed to pay for a private Ed Psych Assesment. Saving for that sort of thing would not be possible without claiming absolutely everything I'm entitled to.
But in general I don't treat it as "DS's money".
I give both kids equal pocket money and put aside equal savings for them. But that's completely separate from the DLA.
I worked as a welfare rights advisor for many years and I would say most families just put it into general family finances.

YellowRosesWithRedTips · 05/10/2023 11:51

LookingForPurpose you clearly don’t understand EBSA in DC with complex needs.

funinthesun19 · 05/10/2023 11:58

Personally I don’t think he needs that much money to spend on himself.

But I think people are being ridiculous if they think the money shouldn’t be spent on things he enjoys. Things like books, art supplies and Lego can be really calming and soothing activities. Even games can be too.

My DD has Autism. Playdoh really makes her happy. We go through lots and lots of playdoh. I see it as therapeutic for her. She likes lots of other things too, but Playdoh really is her fave.

My DS also has Autism. He loves his Nintendo Switch. It really is his pride and joy. If anything happened to that Switch I would use his DLA in a heartbeat to buy him a new one if I could, because it’s his comfort. No he doesn’t spend all of his time playing on it before anyone suggests that he does, but he likes to know it’s there. Replacing it so quickly might seem a bit indulgent to some people, but when you have a child with Autism who is attached to something you know how they will feel if that thing is suddenly gone.