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Original poster

Horrible reaction from boyfriend when sharing secret

129 replies

vesur · 04/10/2023 07:03

I know this will be outside the norm for many but I could do with a shoulder to cry on so to speak.

I'm half Indian/half Greek. And was raised to believe that sex before marriage was wrong. My mother essentially groomed me to believe premarital sex is immoral from a very young age. There were never direct conversations on the matter, just tacit understandings.

I feel like an idiot because it seems like I'm the only person who actually ate up the nonsense my mother spouted. Neither of my brother or sister have "kept themselves" for marriage - same with cousins and friends from similar backgrounds. I've really been struggling with this a lot, as a few years ago I had the realisation I'm the only person naive enough to have gone along with my parents wishes and have denied myself so many experiences. I've been in love in the past and been intimate in ways acceptable to me but have never done the actual deed.

Anyway, have a new British-Indian boyfriend and I explained a number of my parents weird world views. I felt comfortable enough to share my experience with my new boyfriend and his reaction really hurt me as I just had not prepped myself for his non-understanding in the ways I have with previous boyfriends. BF said things like "I'm sorry that's weird" etc. I excused myself to the bathroom and just balled. To me he just confirmed my deepest fears. I left without saying goodbye.

I'm a good looking, successful 30 yo with this absurd secret. I just feel so incredibly damaged tbh.

Where do I even go from here?

OP posts:
Dessertinthedesert · 04/10/2023 07:08

Maybe it’s time to try counselling.

Original poster
vesur · 04/10/2023 07:09

He's not wrong, I know.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 04/10/2023 07:09

So do you still want to wait until marriage?

Zarah123 · 04/10/2023 07:14

He is wrong, and a twat.

As a British Indian, it can’t come as a surprise to him that many Asian people wait to have sex when they’re married and many don’t.

I’m Asian and did the same, it’s not weird for me, it’s normal in my circle.

Believe me, a 30 yo virgin is FAR from uncommon.

30 is young OP, you’ll meet a guy who won’t give a shit and understand cultural issues.

Dump this boyfriend and find someone who loves you as you are.

Finlesswonder · 04/10/2023 07:14

"Anyway, have a new British-Indian boyfriend and I explained a number of my parents weird world views ... BF said things like I'm sorry that's weird

What did you want him to say?

Zoeyclash · 04/10/2023 07:14

That wasn't a good reaction from your BF but if he is nice in all other ways, then I'd give him one more chance. I'd bring up the topic again and explain it as you have done here and see if he is understanding about it. This isn't a shameful secret, many girls have guilt/fear around sex due to the cultural beliefs of their parents - thankfully that seems to be changing now. But you have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If this BF you mention isn't respectful enough of your past, then you should move on, and I hope you find someone who understands your situation.

theduchessofspork · 04/10/2023 07:15

Get some counselling to work through your feelings about your mum

Don’t make this more than it is. Yes it is a shame not to have had more fun in your 20s, but plenty of people don’t - because they are partnered with a dickhead, have caring responsibilities, are cripplingly shy, had kids too young, etc etc. Thirty is young enough to make up some time having fun.

Your boyfriend does sound a bit thick. Are you sure he’s the right guy for you?

Original poster
vesur · 04/10/2023 07:15

@Ponoka7 I don't even know at this point! I'm not sure I'll be able to ever view pre-marital sex as anything but wrong. Weirdly I don't conceive it as wrong for others, only myself. It's not been easy as I do think I have a relatively high sex-drive.

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 04/10/2023 07:17

You won't be the only one and I'm surprised a British Indian man had this reaction to your background. It's not unusual or weird, it's a different culture and generational.

You sound very angry and resentful so I too recommend counselling.

You'll meet someone more understanding I'm sure.

BabblesDevine · 04/10/2023 07:18

Aren't you relieved he finds it "weird"? Isn't it better to be with a man who, like your siblings, finds it a bizarre rule?

Or are you saying you'd prefer a man who, like your parents, prefers to couch a really basic biological activity in some kind of pseudo mystique?

Defiantjazz · 04/10/2023 07:19

It sounds like you don’t know what you want tbh.

Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of an idiot. Being called weird when revealing sensitive personal info would give me the ick.

Original poster
vesur · 04/10/2023 07:23

When it came out that he actually slept around a lot at university I was actually relieved. I'm glad he doesn't have weird sex hang ups like me. I just felt hurt in the moment by the words he used.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 04/10/2023 07:23

Defiantjazz · 04/10/2023 07:19

It sounds like you don’t know what you want tbh.

Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of an idiot. Being called weird when revealing sensitive personal info would give me the ick.

But he didn't call op weird. He just says "that's weird".

What did you expect him to say op?

I'd also suggest some counselling for yourself on this issue.

Original poster
vesur · 04/10/2023 07:25

I know the word "weird" is an accurate description but it was clear I was being vulnerable, I just felt judged and exposed.

OP posts:
Flickersy · 04/10/2023 07:27

I think you need some counselling OP.

His reaction, while showing a lack of sensitivity, doesn't seem extreme (I'm presuming he also said more than "I'm sorry, that's weird") but yours does. I think your parents have done a number on you and you'd benefit from some therapy to help your self-esteem.

Finlesswonder · 04/10/2023 07:32

So you were relieved he has a healthy attitude to sex.

I think you're being really unfair on him.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 04/10/2023 07:33

Finlesswonder · 04/10/2023 07:14

"Anyway, have a new British-Indian boyfriend and I explained a number of my parents weird world views ... BF said things like I'm sorry that's weird

What did you want him to say?

Exactly.

Leaving without saying goodbye really wasn’t okay when he was only confirming what you yourself acknowledge.

It may have upset you to hear him say it because it’s another voice of affirmation, but I’m not sure he deserved to be walked out on for it.

SpringIntoChaos · 04/10/2023 07:33

He didn't call you weird though did he? Just the situation that you've found yourself in because of your parents. And honestly...to many people that might seem pretty weird. Especially as you're presumably an independent 30 year old woman, not living with your parents? So in his head he can't understand why you're still bound by their rules. You are free to live by your own set of values. Not constrained by theirs.

If you absolutely believe in these values, fine...explain them as YOUR values. If you feel conflicted by them though...break out and live your own life (as others have said, you will probably need counselling to work out how to do this as you sound very tightly bound up in your upbringing).

MoonShinesBright · 04/10/2023 07:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Newnamehiwhodis · 04/10/2023 07:36

It’s not weird. He’s just not a good guy.
don’t make the mistake I did and be intimate with someone out of desperation just to get RID of the fear and stigma … and then when the dude found out I had been a virgin, he gave me the silent treatment. Wonderful person to share that experience with, 🙄

a good man will value you for you, experienced or not.

I’m sorry but this particular one sounds like a shallow, insensitive jerk.

anareen · 04/10/2023 07:37

You cannot be upset with yourself for adopting a value you were raised with. That is what you were taught. How could you have known any different?

Now that you are aware the majority of people don't adopt this same value, you express great distress. Leaving yourself to work through this on your own is going to lead to a great deal of cognitive dissonance. A therapist would really be the best option to help you on this journey.

PurpleRadish · 04/10/2023 07:37

He was insensitive. You can expect to be with a boyfriend who respects your feelings. He was unsympathetic. You are allowed to be disappointed. Your feelings are valid. Also, sorry your parents gave you a complex around sex :(

Have you since talked it through?

Lavender14 · 04/10/2023 07:38

vesur · 04/10/2023 07:09

He's not wrong, I know.

I'm sorry but I think he is wrong to have that reaction towards you opening up to him regardless of the 'secret'. He should have made you feel safe and respected not like you needed to go cry alone. There are many people who wait until they are older to have sex for lots of different reasons and it sounds like your bfs world view is actually a bit limited. There are lots of religions and cultures in the world where parents raise their kids to wait for marriage and while I agree its often done in a harmful way with a lack of sex education, it doesn't mean that the people who do go on to decide to wait are weird or doing anything weird. They're entitled to make the right choices for them as are you. Tbh I kind of wish I'd waited because I only had sex after my ex sexually assaulted me. I agree with others if this is something you're struggling with personally, counselling would be a good space to explore that without fear of judgement. I know a number of people in their 30s who are still waiting to meet the right person to have sex. I respect that's their choice I don't see them as weird. If someone is judging you then tbh I don't think they're the right one for you. Emotional safety is just as important as physical safety in a relationship and will make the intimacy much easier if it's something you do find hard to open up around. If your bf is making you feel judged and insecure in how he handles your emotions, then being intimate with him isn't necessarily going to feel safe either.

Sapphire387 · 04/10/2023 07:39

I think you need to spend some time working out what your own views are.

You are not your parents. You are not an extension of your parents.

Justifiedcheese · 04/10/2023 07:40

vesur · 04/10/2023 07:09

He's not wrong, I know.

Rubbish. It's not weird. Just not the modern norm.