Horrible reaction from boyfriend when sharing secret

[vesur]

I know this will be outside the norm for many but I could do with a shoulder to cry on so to speak.

I'm half Indian/half Greek. And was raised to believe that sex before marriage was wrong. My mother essentially groomed me to believe premarital sex is immoral from a very young age. There were never direct conversations on the matter, just tacit understandings.

I feel like an idiot because it seems like I'm the only person who actually ate up the nonsense my mother spouted. Neither of my brother or sister have "kept themselves" for marriage - same with cousins and friends from similar backgrounds. I've really been struggling with this a lot, as a few years ago I had the realisation I'm the only person naive enough to have gone along with my parents wishes and have denied myself so many experiences. I've been in love in the past and been intimate in ways acceptable to me but have never done the actual deed.

Anyway, have a new British-Indian boyfriend and I explained a number of my parents weird world views. I felt comfortable enough to share my experience with my new boyfriend and his reaction really hurt me as I just had not prepped myself for his non-understanding in the ways I have with previous boyfriends. BF said things like "I'm sorry that's weird" etc. I excused myself to the bathroom and just balled. To me he just confirmed my deepest fears. I left without saying goodbye.

I'm a good looking, successful 30 yo with this absurd secret. I just feel so incredibly damaged tbh.

Where do I even go from here?

You’re not weird at all!! What on earth am i reading in the comments.

lots of people have thought and continue to think this about sex before marriage. Who cares? Of course it’s not weird, it’s just different.

i’m really sorry you’ve had this experience and been shamed by your partner. He sounds really childish sorry. For me i’d be reconsidering this relationship. Your exes reaction sounds really nice and mature. Noone should ever shame you about anything like this.

Yeah I'm not seeing the issue... He didn't call you weird or say anything offensive. Would thought him agreeing that your parents views are weird would be better for you. Instead of being relieved you ended up crying in the bathroom?!

I think much more context is needed about how the conversation came about…. What were you talking about that led into you explaining how your upbringing determining your beliefs around sex? Were you having a conversation about potentially having sex with each other?

I doubt you just randomly said, “I’m a virgin because my parents raised me to think that sex was bad”, followed by him saying, “That’s weird.” ?? Well I hope that’s not how it went anyway.

I would have assumed that his comments about “being weird” were with reference to how your parents made you feel about sex, not that you actually haven’t had sex.

Its hard to make a full judgement without knowing what conversation you were having and what it was exactly that you said to him to lead him to say, “yeah that’s weird,” in response.

To walk out on him implies that he really, really, upset you or he really, really offended you.

And then you need to ask yourself if you think he intended to hurt or upset you, or whether he was just agreeing with your sentiment but you just didn’t want to hear it because you didn’t want to face it?

You are clearly very confused and troubled by your feelings so I agree with many people about seeking some kind of talking therapy to get to the bottom of your emotions because I think it goes a lot deeper than just what this thread implies.

My mother essentially groomed me to believe premarital sex is immoral from a very young age. There were never direct conversations on the matter, just tacit understandings.

I don't think this is "grooming".

I think you need counselling to unpick the beliefs you have absorbed about sex and work out what you really think.

Currently you seem to have a belief you're ashamed of, or follow a rule you don't personally agree with. And you feel fear about breaking it but shame about keeping it. That's not a happy place.

It might turn out that your mum attaches fear to premarital sex for a reason - eg in some cultures if a woman is known to have had sex outside marriage she's seen as universally available, equivalent to a prostitute. Or it might lead to backstreet abortions and so on. Maybe there's something like that your mum saw or experienced that made it such a thing for her and she's passed on the strength of feeling.

Your parents raised you according their beliefs, it's up to you as an adult to decide what you want to believe in..if that's abstinence then that's OK, if you want to be sexually active that's OK too. Neither option is wierd. I think you need to do a bit of soul searching on this.

I wouldn't judge BF too harshly for his choice of words, this was all new info to him. I think your own choice of words are harsh too, and you've had a lot more time to process. Your parents didn't groom you, you are neither naive nor an idiot as you say.

What are you on about? Who has said having a high sex drive is bad?

People are saying that people can choose not to have sex until they’re 30 older, and THAT is a personal choice. People shouldn’t feel pressured to have sex at a young age.

OP I think he said that just to get you into bed. You've waited this long so why not find someone who really loves you to DTD with. If you sleep with him and he leaves you soon after, how would that make you feel?

I agree with this.

Lots of people are virgins at 30. It is not that unusual.

go and get together with ur guy and talk to each other. if u like him enough explain everything as if he likes u enough he will listen and try and help. just cos he said it's weird is not the be all and end all, he might genuinely not have even thot that some people live like this.
give yourself a
break. but u do need some councilling as to how to life ur life the way U want to, not what other folk do.
and btw i know enough indian woman who are not married and having sex before anyone tries to tell u it's not on.

It isn't weird. Horses for courses. Nasty man.

Thanks so much, appreciate hearing from people who have shared a similar expereince.

Yes, counselling is very much needed.

One of the things that really stings is the fact that during all these years I have viewed my denial of pleasure/comfort as a sacrifice that I could ultimately give as a gift to my future husband as symbol of my commitment to him.

It hurts that it appears that my husband is likely not to see my decision to abstain in these terms. It won't be a gift but a burden - and therefore pointless. Makes me want to cry.

I’m Indian. Imo young British-Indian men who see you as a serious mariageable prospect wouldn’t view this as weird at all & in many cases it would even be preferred. My fear would be he views you as a short term relationship.

One of the things that really stings is the fact that during all these years I have viewed my denial of pleasure/comfort as a sacrifice that I could ultimately give as a gift to my future husband as symbol of my commitment to him.

It hurts that it appears that my husband is likely not to see my decision to abstain in these terms. It won't be a gift but a burden - and therefore pointless. Makes me want to cry.

There's an alternative way to look at this, perhaps it takes the pressure completely OFF you. If you want to preserve it as a "gift" and find someone who appreciates that, you can. If you want to have sex when you next feel like it and remove this whole thing from future relationships - you also can. Worth talking over with a counsellor as you say.

But I really don't think you should generalise this ONE guy into thinking that it will be seen by all as a burden. I think some men may feel the pressure of it on them (i.e. they need to make that waiting worthwhile!), but most decent men - and I do mean decent men - will see it as another aspect of you. If they love you, they will accept it and work around it.

I didn't lose my virginity til i was 33 and a month shy of 3 years in to my relationship. Previous to this partner i had only had long distance relationships so had the full emotional side a few times but never a physical relationship.
I would have slept with him after 1 year but he had MH issues and no libido, but had had previous partners. Sexual relationships come in all sorts, later life virginity for many reasons is nothing to be ashamed of.

I don't even know what I want at this point - how long until I am emotionally healed?

I just want the label gone tbh, so much so I have considered some wild solutions - exes, escorts, random men etc. Which all feel wrong but I'm so lost.

I think I mean I wish my "V" would have been appreciated as the gift I had conceived it as for so many years. But it's dawning on me that this is unlikely. Damn it, for not realising/thinking about this sooner. Just did what I was supposed to.

You really are overthinking this—try to find a sympathetic therapist to help you unpack what is going on. Because all that is changing is that you have more choices than you thought you did.

I didn’t lose my virginity until I was thirty. Then i basically gave it away to a lovely guy who was crazy about me. And having removed an enormous self imposed barrier (shyness, taking the whole thing too seriously) I dated like the end of the world was coming, found my future husband, and happily cohabited with him for five years until we got married. Once you decide you are free to date widely (i dated 12 guys simultaneously and non sexually dh was number six) you have so much choice it free’s you to be choosy. You are free to decide to be intimate or not. You set the terms of the relationship until you are ready to change them.

new here and as this is anon happy to share:
My parents had similar stuff they used to tell us as kids. You are not alone. If it makes you feel better I’m 35 and have only slept with 8 people. I feel ‘hard done by’ by missing out on loads of opportunities and experience.
Luckily my long term partner, now, was very understanding and has helped me explore lots of things I was missing out on. You’ll find the right person who will help you be comfortable with you and explore sexually as you see it

In fairness some men could come from your perspective and view your virginity as a gift not a burden. Lots of women from my mother's generation (Irish) had the exact same dilemma as you. It could be something beautiful if you meet someone and fall in love. It could also be something less important and an opportunity for you to shake off values that are not yours anymore but your parents'

I think some people are judging OP's BF too harshly.

If a boyfriend told me that they didn't want to have sex before marriage, I think I would be upset. I would never marry someone without living with them first, so a declaration of no sex before marriage would mean I would have to end the relationship. I know that's not what OP is saying, but it wouldcarry that implication.

If it makes you feel better I’m 35 and have only slept with 8 people. I feel ‘hard done by’ by missing out on loads of opportunities and experience.

I'm not sure this is the help the OP is looking for. This is a completely average and typical number of sexual partners!

He is wrong. Not everyone has a strong drive to contradict their parents! He's not a good one, chuck him back.

It’s kind that you say you feel that’s average. I felt like it wasn’t normal for a long time.
Unfortunately I would have to say that I wouldn’t agree. Many of my friends have quite different numbers, and when I met my partner there was a gross difference.
i think it’s a personal thing but its hard not to feel disappointed when you have turned away opportunities to later find out it’s not normal and you have been missing out. :(

To be honest OP, there probably are a lot of men who would appreciate your virginity as a "gift", however they're likely to be the type to wear a fedora and call you m'lady and have some deeply unpleasant ideas about female autonomy.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to not have sex until marriage, but it doesn't sound like it's something you actually want, and you'd rather be having sex. I'd definitely be talking this through with a professional to get to the root of your hangups and how you want to move forwards.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, you've dropped a bombshell on him. He seems like he was happy to take it slow, but you've basically just slammed the brakes on as far as he's concerned. Most people aren't likely to want to get married to someone without knowing whether or not they're sexually compatible. Talk to your boyfriend, but understand that he may not want to continue a relationship when the goal posts have completely changed.

If it doesn't work out with boyfriend, then your lack of experience doesn't have to be a weight around your neck if you don't want it to.

Obviously if you do want to wait until marriage,then you need to be upfront with that in the first couple of dates going forward, but if you decide that you do want to have sex with your next partner, then you don't owe them the information that you've never had sex before.

It's not likely to be obvious to them when you come to do it, sex with a new partner is almost always a bit awkward anyway, as you learn what works for each other.