Horrible reaction from boyfriend when sharing secret

[vesur]

I know this will be outside the norm for many but I could do with a shoulder to cry on so to speak.

I'm half Indian/half Greek. And was raised to believe that sex before marriage was wrong. My mother essentially groomed me to believe premarital sex is immoral from a very young age. There were never direct conversations on the matter, just tacit understandings.

I feel like an idiot because it seems like I'm the only person who actually ate up the nonsense my mother spouted. Neither of my brother or sister have "kept themselves" for marriage - same with cousins and friends from similar backgrounds. I've really been struggling with this a lot, as a few years ago I had the realisation I'm the only person naive enough to have gone along with my parents wishes and have denied myself so many experiences. I've been in love in the past and been intimate in ways acceptable to me but have never done the actual deed.

Anyway, have a new British-Indian boyfriend and I explained a number of my parents weird world views. I felt comfortable enough to share my experience with my new boyfriend and his reaction really hurt me as I just had not prepped myself for his non-understanding in the ways I have with previous boyfriends. BF said things like "I'm sorry that's weird" etc. I excused myself to the bathroom and just balled. To me he just confirmed my deepest fears. I left without saying goodbye.

I'm a good looking, successful 30 yo with this absurd secret. I just feel so incredibly damaged tbh.

Where do I even go from here?

OP not read the whole thread but please

• don't have sex with your boyfriend because he said "that's weird"
• don't have sex with your boyfriend because you feel now like your mother brainwashed you
• don't have sex with your boyfriend because your siblings did not save themselves for marriage and now you feel like the odd one out
• don't have sex with your boyfriend because you think "everyone does it" so I ought to do it too.

All of the above reasons are reasons which ultimately could end up making matters worse for your own processing in your head. Resist these (false) reasons and wait until you are sure you are doing it for yourself and you are doing it with someone who makes you feel safe and loved.

OP being a virgin at 30 is not 'weird', nor is waiting to have sex until you are married. However in mainstream British culture, there is a media fuelled assumption that every young person is out there having multiple partners, having amazing sexual experiences, and if you have not had sex by the time you are 30, there must be something 'wrong'.

Mix those assumptions with the message you internalised in your formative years, that having sex before marriage is sinful and 'wrong' and you have a heady mix of cultural confusion.

I was 37 (nearly 38) before I had sex. There was nothing 'wrong' with me. There just were just not many sexy men in my area (plenty of leery, beer-filled gropers, and lads who needed a mother), and I had huge issues with my MH and self esteem.

When I met my partner, I thought he would find it really strange and off-putting that I was a nearly 40 year old virgin. I also felt he may expect and desire someone who was more sexually experienced. He was surprised but not freaked out, like I thought he would be. As for the experience bit, well everyone is different and unique, so someone could be tremendously experienced but know nothing about what their partner needed, wanted or preferred.

In my opinion, and it is only my opinion, your problems may actually arise not so much from the message you received in your childhood, but more from the messages that abound in this society, that everyone is happily having lots of lovely sex, and if you are not, there is something wrong with you. There is nothing at all 'weird' about not having sex if you have not met someone you want to have sex with.

As others have said, the boyfriend's comments about being weird are a little ambiguous,

I'm wondering if it would help to reframe this situation as you coming to a realisation. Rather than think in terms of "grooming" try and say it yourself that up until this point you thought that sex before marriage was wrong, but now you've changed your mind. As a result you've not had sex yet. There is nothing wrong with that! You are entilted to change your mind. Your parents' views may not be the majority view in the UK in 2023, but they are the views of many many people around the world, and of course some people here as well. They just passed down their views to you. You've now rejected them and replaced them with your own. That's no shameful secret, it's a natural part of growing up.

I think you reacted that way to your BF because you are still processing it yourself.

I found my DH's comments about my family being weird ultimately quite liberating.

He was right, they are but it took an outsider to actually say it for me to realise just how much my family's views on many things including sex outside of marriage were controlling and narrow minded.

Absolutely this.
You sound like a people pleaser OP. You pleased your parents, but now that you’ve been told their advice was old-fashioned you’re keen to do a 180 degree switch and please your boyfriend who it seems shagged his way around university. What a catch he sounds.
There’s a happy medium, a spot on the spectrum that will suit YOU, and when you meet a decent man he will be happy to respect your past and choices.

I feel your boyfriend is insensitive and not tactical with his response however Op, I really think you should try counselling to unpick your current reaction to the things your mum told you. I grew up in a Christian background and we were told from when we were old enough to understand that sex before marriage is not acceptable. That’s what the bible says and I don’t blame my mum for saying that as that’s what she’s known herself. Because of that, I didn’t have sex till after marriage (though I was 23 when I got married).
I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I heard that someone is 30 and still a virgin because I don’t believe that we can all live the same way.
Society has made it easy for you to believe that you’re an odd one out when you’re not.
Now you know that you have freedom over what you want to do so live like that and don’t settle for any man that may want to make you feel inadequate because of it

I haven't spoken to bf in two days since we last saw each other.

Turning 30 has definitely made my "status" even more burdensome. Didn't feel like a freak when I was younger, I certainly do now. I interpreted BF's response as confirmation of this.

Uhm not having sex before marriage is not weird!! It's not the norm in westerns society anymore. (note, it was for a long time)
But in my if not most Asian, African and middle east cultures it's the norm.

I'm not saying your parents were maybe the kindest about it, but I don't think you can lay the bale so squarely at their feet.
Your sisters and brothers don't have the same hang ups.
We can all decide what we take from out childhoods.
But I do think it's sad that the current bristish culture is making you feel like you have sex hang ups?
Wait till you have slept around with multiple trashy partners because your culture raises you that sex outside of marriage is good and accepted. Chat to the young girls who felt pressured to do it because 'everyone does' and had multiple not great encounters. Then you'll know what hang ups is.

Was it really such a bad reaction? It is unusual. Was it because he said weird rather than odd or strange or different? I think a 30 year old running to the bathroom and crying her eyes out is more weird. Imagine from his point of view he was talking to a friend and said 'She told me she was a virgin then ran off to the bathroom'.
It's unclear too if you still want to remain a virgin until marriage. If you do you need to speak up from the beginning. If not it might look like you're dropping hints to your boyfriend that you want to marry them. I'm surprised at 30 you haven't had these encounters before. How do the conversations generally go and why was this one so upsetting?
I think you need to ask yourself what exactly is upsetting you. That's others from your culture are 'hypocrites', that you've been conned, have you met someone yd really like to have full sex with, or are you looking for a man who will appreciate your virginity and marry you? You might need the help of a counsellor to unravel this one.

*many

Your BF's response is exactly what I can imagine some of my more tactless male friends saying. But as others have pointed out, he didn't say you were weird, but that the situation is weird. "Unusual" would probably be a better way of putting it, which it is in the modern day. I think you overreacted but that is understandable as it is something you are very sensitive about and in the face of his tactlessness. So, assuming you still like him and want to date him, the question is what happens now between you. Now he has had a moment to reflect, maybe he will be supportive and more sensitive to your feelings? Maybe this can be a moment where intimacy between you both grows? I wouldn't write this one off just yet unless you want to. Give him a chance first.

I also feel like his comment, "that's weird", wasn't in response to a particular comment. I could see he was processing what I had shared and he just commented when his brain kicked in. If that makes sense.

He followed up by asking questions about how far I have gone with exes, was very uncomfortable for me.

OP you are not weird , there are plenty of people out there who are still virgins at an older age . Some people for moral reasons and some because it just hasn’t happened.

I was older myself but have gone on to find a happy relationship and have three children .

Has your boyfriend tried to apologise since ?

The last time I had this conversation I was 25, and my ex said that he respected my decision and that he would support me in whatever I wanted to do. We discussed what my limits were and ex said that we would make it work.

Hi is wrong, many cultures and religions teach people to “save themselves for marriage”. There’s nothing wrong with that (unless it’s taught with heavy condemnation).

He obviously wants sex so is dismissing it.

You need to decide what you want. If you want to wait till marriage- fine. If you want to have sex - fine. But it’s your choice and one not to be pressured into.

That’s grim and borderline abusive. Next line from him is “well you’ve done xyz in the past so you can do abc with me”

Don’t let him erode your boundaries.

Quote fail - my last message was in reference to him asking what you’ve done in the past. None of his business!

What?! OP does not have Mental Health Issues.

OP, if you want to wait until marriage/in love/fwb/fuck buddy/ons to have sex it is up to you; if anyone does not approve or suggests you need therapy do not walk away; run away as fast as you can.

i'm sorry but how on earth is it weird???

I understand being annoyed at yourself for not questioning your parents earlier, and I understand feeling frustrated with your parents, but what I am not quite sure about is what exactly you are worried about in regards to your 'status', as you put it. Is it that you regret turning down chances of sleeping with exes? Or that you feel that not having slept with anyone makes you "weird"? Is it that you don't want to admit this to new partners? Because really, all of these are small things. You have a lifetime of sex ahead of you if you want it, think of the new opportunities out there rather than the past ones that you didn't take. And new partners should be mature enough to realise that people have different lifestyles. I can't imagine a lack of sexual past being a problem for many men. I dated someone who had never slept with anyone, didn't bother me at all. In fact it was quite good because I didn't have to try and unteach all his pre-exisitng moves that did nothing for me.

I kind of get the impression though that it's more that you feel that your sexless life is at odds with your new values and no longer a reflection of "you", and that makes you feel uncomfortable. You no longer identify with those values, and so it feels strange to you that you still have to have these "chats" with new partners. It probbaly also feels intense, like you are exposing this big way in which you were raised, but it doesn't have to be like that. This is why I think it would be worthwhile to stop and really process your feelings into a narrative you are comfortable with, mainly for yourself but also for when you come to share it with new partners. There really isn't anything wrong with saying to a man "In my 20s I wanted to wait until marriage, which is quite usual in my parents' culture, but actually I no longer have this attitude and would like to be more sexually adventurous" or whatever way of expressing what you feel sounds right to you.

Op you're not weird or a freak at all. Plenty of people from all walks of life save themselves until marriage (or long term commitment) for a number of reasons. I didn't, but I certainly wasn't in a rush to lose my virginity and I personally have never seen the value in casual sex - I couldn't be that vulnerable with someone I don't have a strong emotional connection with. I actually think in the West we've gone a bit too far the other way with people pressured into sleeping around to almost prove they're not 'up tight'. The only normal is what feels right for you. If the person you're with is making you feel uncomfortable in your choice then I'd suggest the weird one here is him, not you, and you should wait for someone who is fully supportive of your choice.

I think part of your struggle might come from building it up to more of a big deal than it is. If you have sex, once you do you'll see it's not a big deal, and not much different to the other ways of being intimate which you've mentioned you might have experienced. I don't find it weird at all. Lots of people go their whole lives without ever having intercourse. You're not weird OP. If he's been rude then that's on him.

Look: my parents absolutely believed in premarital sex and I was STILL a virgin at 30. It happens! I was very shy and inexperienced but I overcame it with a sympathetic and experienced boyfriend and then went on to meet and marry my dh.

Virginity is a social construct. Hell: marriage is a social construct. Get therapy, change religions, marry a Bel Tree (look it up) and go forth and have fun.