Horrible reaction from boyfriend when sharing secret

[vesur]

I know this will be outside the norm for many but I could do with a shoulder to cry on so to speak.

I'm half Indian/half Greek. And was raised to believe that sex before marriage was wrong. My mother essentially groomed me to believe premarital sex is immoral from a very young age. There were never direct conversations on the matter, just tacit understandings.

I feel like an idiot because it seems like I'm the only person who actually ate up the nonsense my mother spouted. Neither of my brother or sister have "kept themselves" for marriage - same with cousins and friends from similar backgrounds. I've really been struggling with this a lot, as a few years ago I had the realisation I'm the only person naive enough to have gone along with my parents wishes and have denied myself so many experiences. I've been in love in the past and been intimate in ways acceptable to me but have never done the actual deed.

Anyway, have a new British-Indian boyfriend and I explained a number of my parents weird world views. I felt comfortable enough to share my experience with my new boyfriend and his reaction really hurt me as I just had not prepped myself for his non-understanding in the ways I have with previous boyfriends. BF said things like "I'm sorry that's weird" etc. I excused myself to the bathroom and just balled. To me he just confirmed my deepest fears. I left without saying goodbye.

I'm a good looking, successful 30 yo with this absurd secret. I just feel so incredibly damaged tbh.

Where do I even go from here?

Tbh your parents' views aren't that weird. It's fairly standard in any vaguely religious household to be told to wait. The fact that you did and your siblings didn't may mean there were also other reasons why you felt you wanted to wait. My upbringing was similar and my siblings had sex before me. But I was also waiting because sub-consciously I didn't want to get into a relationship too early where I replicated my family's dynamic and I wanted to focus on my education and career.
Seeing a counsellor could help you tease out the relationship with your DM and your attitudes to sex. Then you can think about the bf's 'reaction'.

I recently learnt that within radical feminism there's a long movement around not focussing on penetrative sex which isn't always completely comfortable for women and obviously without birth control carries risk of pregnancy.

There's so much guilt and shame associated with it, probably because of the religious aspect.

It would be good to liberate women from this expectation that they have to and that it's some sort of massively meaningful event.

It isn't weird at all OP (regardless of what Mumsnet thinks). If 'your body, your choice' applies then this is the decision you made with the best information you had at the time.

It's also very common in many religious and cultural contexts and it's pretty yucky that people on here (and your bf) would shame you for it. Your bf's reaction sounds like he's almost disgusted by it. I think a nice, well-adjusted man would be surprised but there's no excuse to be so rude and dismissive about something so private and personal to you.

It sounds as though you're struggling with issues from your upbringing so maybe counselling would help? But regardless, don't let him make you feel shame over this. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

What did he says after his initial reaction made you cry?

@passingshipsoccasionally
If 'your body, your choice' applies then this is the decision you made

OP hasn't made any decision about her body, she is carrying around her parents decision about her body which is why she broke down, walked out on her boyfriend and is now posting on here.

You know its not helpful to try and stifle dissenting opinions when an OP has clearly taken steps to start a debate.

I'm white British, but grew up with very similar rules. My mum was devastated when she realised my sister had had premarital sex and that became almost an extra burden for me to carry. Like you, I missed opportunities due to it.

When I was mid-20s I met a bloke much older than me who was a definite Lothario. We loosely became partners and he was willing to take it slowly, with no pressure. He did think it was weird but was kind about it. We stayed together for 15 years and he's still my only, though he doesn't believe it.

It's not wrong to wait until marriage. Plenty of people do, they just don't shout about it, so it just sounds like noone does. You do need to find someone on the same page as you though (once you've decided what that page is).

I was not brought up that way but I admire anyone who believes in no sex before marriage. I don’t think your parents are bad for telling you this. It’s up to you if you want to carry on that way. But a lot of women just get used by men for sex and then dropped. At least you haven’t been through that.

Actually my advice here is to NOT give in and have sex with him while he's even thinking this way........

you're not weird at all! And if you have been through so much of your life and not had sex yet, then tbh if you sleep with him then he soon dumps you, you'll feel crushed.
Find someone you really love (and doesn't be a douche in return) and do the deed with him. x

Was he saying that your parents views are 'weird'? Or that you living by it even though you don't agree with it logically is 'weird'?

Either way he is wrong and it sounds like a very immature reaction. No sex before marriage like others have said is not weird it's a cultural and generational difference. Not having sex before marriage isn't weird its unusual. Finding it hard to break away from the way that your parents brought you up is completely normal.

If someone disclosed that their parents beliefs had a profound affect on their lives, its just really rude and comes across ad lacking empathy and intelligence to comment that it's weird.

So I don't think yabu. I do think you need counselling though.

I think it is forgiveable in the moment. He didn't know what to say, he wasn't expecting this secret and was put on the spot. How he reacts after this is much more important. Did he see you were upset? Did he message you after you left?

Are the males in your family expected not to have sex before marriage ? Or just the females ?

Because if males can do what they like, there is the dilemma. One rule for males & a different rule for females

You sound very confused.

Do you want to live a more free and fulfilling life? Or do you want to continue to live by your parents outdated 'rules' even though you don't seem to agree with them?

Are you happy your bf has more modern and healthy views on sex, or are you annoyed that he he think it's weird? It sounds like you can't make up your mind to be honest. If you yourself truly found these rules your mother (and now you) have placed on yourself to be unacceptable, you wouldn't be hurt that he expressed an honest opinion about it. I think most young people in this day and age would find it a little odd, even British Indians.

I think you need to have some counselling and work on what you really want and who you are as an individual. It seems like you are still living for your mother, not yourself and it has left you mixed up and confused with what YOU really want and what YOU think is unacceptable.

He is wrong though

Everyone has there own beliefs and own moral compass. Yes your mother made you belives sex before marriage is immoral but you yourself haven't lapped up her beliefs you've only listened and followed what you thought was right at the time. Now your views may or may not be changing and that is up to you.

If you believe that it is immoral that's great, if you don't know that's great too.

Your boyfriend clearly is lacking empathy and you have every right to tell him that

There are plenty of people worldwide who don't believe in pre marital sex. Not as many as there were, obviously-but it's certainly not weird. He sounds like an arse, to be honest!

How are they not bad? They’ve clearly burdened her with such shame, fear and anxiety that it’s crippling her when she tries to decide for herself.

There's a difference between having a belief, and terrorising someone else with it.

OP - it’s hard to say whether he was insensitive or not tbh. You think your parents beliefs are weird, so did you present it to your boyfriend in such a way that ‘yes, I’m sorry that’s weird’ would actually be him trying to empathise with, and validate, you?

It’s not weird not to have sex before marriage or at least a deeply committed relationship and I think your current view is as closed minded as your parents. Both are too extreme. You’re basically insulting every woman or man who believes in committed monogamous relationships which could be argued have been a societal norm for most of human history. There’s no shame in someone not wanting to sow their wild oats as they say. I was never interested in that.

When I met my partner he had absolutely no problems with it and was completely understanding though it was different from his world view. I think whatever happens someone who makes you cry in the toilet is not the one for you.

But he didn't call op weird. He just says "that's weird"

Is there a difference ?

The fact his gf is crying in the toilet because of his reaction proves the bf doesn't have a healthy or modern view of sex. A healthy view of sex doesn't involve shaming or upsetting your DP when they share private information about their sexual experiences.
Despite the best attempts of certain groups to push a narrative that everyone has lots of sex from a very young age, the statistics actually show the opposite. Most teens are waiting later to have sex. So he doesn't have 'modern' view of sex either.

You described the views your parents shared with you as weird yourself, I think this is more about your own insecurity and issues getting your actual views on sex to marry up with what has been drummed into you since childhood.
I think there's a possibility he's been processing the news his partner hasn't had sex too, he's maybe assumed given your age you've had sex and feels a bit weighed down by the responsibility of potentially being your first sexual partner.

No, it doesn’t. OP recognises herself that’s she’s got issues around sex, so it doesn’t follow that it’s her boyfriend’s fault she’s upset because he agreed with her that the attitude of her parents was/is weird.

Again, there’s a difference between holding a belief for yourself, and indoctrinating others with it to the point where they’re crippled with shame, guilt, and anxiety. By your own definition that is unhealthy.

Plenty of woman end up in sexually abusive marriages, particularly in cultures where no sex before marriage is a common belief.
It's more valuable to teach your children there's no shame around sex but it should always be consensual and enjoyable for both parties regardless of if they're in a committed relationship. Whether they choose to wait for commitment or not because that's what they're most comfortable with is entirely up to them and should be without shame.

Was his ‘I’m sorry that’s weird’ comment to you about never having had sex -he said you’re weird for being a virgin? Or was it towards your parents views?

Some of the comments on here are unbelievable. Showing some kindness doesn’t cost you anything.

@vesur this man is clearly not for you. There’s nothing wrong with you, you sound really lovely. Move on from this man and hold your head up and carry on being the lovely person that you clearly are.

It’s not necessary to have sex with lots of different men before settling down. That doesn’t make you a better person. Some people would say that women who do that don’t respect themselves.

It depends how he said it. If it was flippant and laughy/scoffing at it then yes he’s a child. If it was a soft “I’m sorry but that’s weird…” and he was going to go on to be supportive but you ran away then that’s another thing.

the correct response from a gentleman (and they do still exist so keep hunting if you haven’t found one yet) is something along the lines of oh.. well I’m really glad you’ve told me that. And then some active listening.

people can get awkward and say the wrong thing though so you need to be honest with which one it is.

please go to therapy. Could you consider speaking to your sister about this?

you’ll be fine love. And well done on sharing this secret you’ve held. It’s not a secret any more, it’s a part of your upbringing you’re overcoming. No shame at all