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Original poster

Horrible reaction from boyfriend when sharing secret

129 replies

vesur · 04/10/2023 07:03

I know this will be outside the norm for many but I could do with a shoulder to cry on so to speak.

I'm half Indian/half Greek. And was raised to believe that sex before marriage was wrong. My mother essentially groomed me to believe premarital sex is immoral from a very young age. There were never direct conversations on the matter, just tacit understandings.

I feel like an idiot because it seems like I'm the only person who actually ate up the nonsense my mother spouted. Neither of my brother or sister have "kept themselves" for marriage - same with cousins and friends from similar backgrounds. I've really been struggling with this a lot, as a few years ago I had the realisation I'm the only person naive enough to have gone along with my parents wishes and have denied myself so many experiences. I've been in love in the past and been intimate in ways acceptable to me but have never done the actual deed.

Anyway, have a new British-Indian boyfriend and I explained a number of my parents weird world views. I felt comfortable enough to share my experience with my new boyfriend and his reaction really hurt me as I just had not prepped myself for his non-understanding in the ways I have with previous boyfriends. BF said things like "I'm sorry that's weird" etc. I excused myself to the bathroom and just balled. To me he just confirmed my deepest fears. I left without saying goodbye.

I'm a good looking, successful 30 yo with this absurd secret. I just feel so incredibly damaged tbh.

Where do I even go from here?

OP posts:
liverpoolgal82 · 04/10/2023 11:41

Op, definitely some counselling to unpick what your parents have brainwashed you with. Just because it’s “normal” in some religions to wait until marriage that doesn’t make it “normal”. It’s thousands and thousands of years of generational brain washing. We all wouldn’t be here if that was the “norm” and the true righteous way to wait since the beginning because earliest man wasn’t getting married before procreating - heck they didn’t even have a clear language yet.

Sex is what is normal - controlling people’s thinking /actions dressed up as religion is not normal in my opinion.

As long as you are in control of your own wants and what you want to do is respected and you’re respecting others then other peoples opinions including your parents and religious leaders is irrelevant.

pikkumyy77 · 04/10/2023 11:45

Also , following the very good observations of some other posters, consider whether your upbringing has resulted in a situation not unlike being raised in a cult. Language and action have been alike deformed so that ways of talking have been used to signal position (good girl, virgin) snd actions have been overloaded with moral meaning (this act is permitted, this act is forbidden) in ways that are incomprehensible to outsiders. Maybe the thing that makes you most unhappy with the “indian boyfriend” is that you thought he would have an insider’s understanding but he took an outsider stance. He could have said “I get it, we say that too” but he said “its weird” like it was incomprehensible. In one word he pushed you to feeling like an outsider.

There’s an interesting book called Cultush about the language of cults which some of my patients have found useful in starting to break free of their upbringing.

Mischance · 04/10/2023 11:50

What did you want him to say?

Netcam · 04/10/2023 11:50

SpringIntoChaos · 04/10/2023 07:33

He didn't call you weird though did he? Just the situation that you've found yourself in because of your parents. And honestly...to many people that might seem pretty weird. Especially as you're presumably an independent 30 year old woman, not living with your parents? So in his head he can't understand why you're still bound by their rules. You are free to live by your own set of values. Not constrained by theirs.

If you absolutely believe in these values, fine...explain them as YOUR values. If you feel conflicted by them though...break out and live your own life (as others have said, you will probably need counselling to work out how to do this as you sound very tightly bound up in your upbringing).

Agree with this, great comments

Canisaysomething · 04/10/2023 11:59

You were both wrong. Him for not being sensitive and you for leaving without saying goodbye. It sounds like you need counselling. It isn’t fair to expect a partner who can’t relate to your situation to counsel you through it, that is way too much to expect of a new partner.

Coughingdodger · 04/10/2023 12:09

liverpoolgal82 · 04/10/2023 11:41

Op, definitely some counselling to unpick what your parents have brainwashed you with. Just because it’s “normal” in some religions to wait until marriage that doesn’t make it “normal”. It’s thousands and thousands of years of generational brain washing. We all wouldn’t be here if that was the “norm” and the true righteous way to wait since the beginning because earliest man wasn’t getting married before procreating - heck they didn’t even have a clear language yet.

Sex is what is normal - controlling people’s thinking /actions dressed up as religion is not normal in my opinion.

As long as you are in control of your own wants and what you want to do is respected and you’re respecting others then other peoples opinions including your parents and religious leaders is irrelevant.

“Brainwashing” is a bit strong. Keeping sex until marriage probably worked for her parents and they wanted that stability for her too.

Promiscuous sex (not without health risks) is pushed on so many young women now. There is such pressure on them - if they don’t shag around they are called “weird”, as seen in OP’s example. Is that not brainwashing? Especially as, unlike OP’s parents who probably had her interests at heart, the people pushing sex on young girls care only about their own crotches.

Coughingdodger · 04/10/2023 12:10

Pre-contraception, and pre-social welfare, unwanted pregnancy was a disaster for a young woman with no financial support. Avoiding sex before marriage was a sensible approach, not the terrible evil brainwashing you seem to think.

Luciansmum6 · 04/10/2023 12:11

He should have been more reassuring but you aren’t “damaged” from not having had partners in the past. Who’s to say what’s right and wrong? I would be careful not to swallow all the opposite stuff pushed on the other side too- it goes both ways. I’m sorry you feel this way though. Xxxx

Dalekjastninerels · 04/10/2023 12:14

Canisaysomething · 04/10/2023 11:59

You were both wrong. Him for not being sensitive and you for leaving without saying goodbye. It sounds like you need counselling. It isn’t fair to expect a partner who can’t relate to your situation to counsel you through it, that is way too much to expect of a new partner.

OP is not wrong and she doesn't need counselling, her partner was immature saying it is weird not to have sex by a certain time/age.

MilesAndMilesOfLights · 04/10/2023 12:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WitcheryDivine · 04/10/2023 12:19

He's not the person for you, I feel.

However "unusual" it might be, it's not exactly an unknown concept and a potential life partner should have the sensitivity to be able to react decently and ask you any questions in an appropriate way that makes you feel at ease.

WitcheryDivine · 04/10/2023 12:22

We're all unusual in our different ways, I think he was unkind. If he apologises etc then maybe it's ok, but if not I would dump him and look for a genuinely better partner.

I wonder if there are specific dating apps for people who share your religious background, or it could be worth meeting people through local religious settings? A friend just met her husband on a Jewish dating app and it's not uncommon at all.

JFDIYOLO · 04/10/2023 12:28

I'm confused - you presented it to him as weird then he said he was sorry and mirrored your own language agreeing it was weird. What else was the poor bloke supposed to say? He was agreeing with you!

bonzaitree · 04/10/2023 12:40

Hi OP, so sorry you’ve had this tricky experience. I know some Christian’s who didn’t believe in sex before marriage but they all got married at 20/21/22. i know in

I think it is unusual for someone to be a virgin at 30, but your bf could have phrased it a little nicer!

Given his reaction do you want to continue seeing him?

What do you ideally want from your sex life going forwards?

Iloveavocadoes · 04/10/2023 12:52

I read it this way. You told him that you thought it was weird, and he agreed. He didn't call you weird, but rather the actual fact.

What do you want to happen? Do you want to stay with this guy? Do you like each other enough to potentially get married? Are you still happy to wait until you are married to have sex or do you want to change that?

I don't think the guy did anything wrong, unless you have not mentioned that he's putting pressure on you to change the practise that YOU describe to him as weird

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/10/2023 12:55

It is weird, though.

RandomButtons · 04/10/2023 13:09

It’s not. People can do what they like with their bodies and sexuality so long as it’s not hurting anyone else.

Why is waiting to have sex weird?

Riverlee · 04/10/2023 13:12

He wasn’t judging you, but the beliefs your parents installed in you. It was nothing personal.

Dalekjastninerels · 04/10/2023 13:13

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/10/2023 12:55

It is weird, though.

It really isn't especially if brought up in a religious family.

Not everyone is having sex in their early teens! 🙄

Dalekjastninerels · 04/10/2023 13:14

RandomButtons · 04/10/2023 13:09

It’s not. People can do what they like with their bodies and sexuality so long as it’s not hurting anyone else.

Why is waiting to have sex weird?

Well said

readbooksdrinktea · 04/10/2023 13:16

Flickersy · 04/10/2023 07:27

I think you need some counselling OP.

His reaction, while showing a lack of sensitivity, doesn't seem extreme (I'm presuming he also said more than "I'm sorry, that's weird") but yours does. I think your parents have done a number on you and you'd benefit from some therapy to help your self-esteem.

Absolutely this. You need some help to pick apart your conditioning.

PatchouliOilandRoses · 04/10/2023 13:19

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/10/2023 12:55

It is weird, though.

I agree it is weird in the sense that 'most' 30 year olds will have had sex. The bf didn't call OP weird, he said the situation was weird....how many people are still living their lives based on their parents beliefs at 30 years old? I doubt it will be very many.
Perhaps if he gave himself time to think and swapped 'weird' for 'unusual' it wouldn't have come across so badly.
Either way, since the OP ran away and hasn't spoken to him for two days I doubt the relationship has legs.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/10/2023 13:20

RandomButtons · Today 13:09

It’s not. People can do what they like with their bodies and sexuality so long as it’s not hurting anyone else.

Why is waiting to have sex weird?”

Because OP didn’t t want to! She was brain-washed by her mother and it made her unhappy. That is weird! No-one has any right to tell a 30 year old woman that she can’t have sexual relations if she wants to.

OP’s bf wasn’t saying not having sex was weird. He was saying her controlling mother was.

PollyPut · 04/10/2023 13:21

I'm confused. You said it's weird. He agreed with you. I doubt he wanted to argue with you, so I'm not sure what you wanted him to say.

I think you are making too much of this. There is no "big secret". You have integrity and self respect; these are things to be valued. Hold your head high and carry on. If he's respectful (and he was, after all, agreeing with you) then consider seeing him again

Finlesswonder · 04/10/2023 13:24

What's 'weird' is the OP has a high sex drive but hasn't had sex because she thinks that's bad, and those of you defending this as personal choice should be ashamed of yourselves.

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