Horrible reaction from boyfriend when sharing secret

[vesur]

I know this will be outside the norm for many but I could do with a shoulder to cry on so to speak.

I'm half Indian/half Greek. And was raised to believe that sex before marriage was wrong. My mother essentially groomed me to believe premarital sex is immoral from a very young age. There were never direct conversations on the matter, just tacit understandings.

I feel like an idiot because it seems like I'm the only person who actually ate up the nonsense my mother spouted. Neither of my brother or sister have "kept themselves" for marriage - same with cousins and friends from similar backgrounds. I've really been struggling with this a lot, as a few years ago I had the realisation I'm the only person naive enough to have gone along with my parents wishes and have denied myself so many experiences. I've been in love in the past and been intimate in ways acceptable to me but have never done the actual deed.

Anyway, have a new British-Indian boyfriend and I explained a number of my parents weird world views. I felt comfortable enough to share my experience with my new boyfriend and his reaction really hurt me as I just had not prepped myself for his non-understanding in the ways I have with previous boyfriends. BF said things like "I'm sorry that's weird" etc. I excused myself to the bathroom and just balled. To me he just confirmed my deepest fears. I left without saying goodbye.

I'm a good looking, successful 30 yo with this absurd secret. I just feel so incredibly damaged tbh.

Where do I even go from here?

You can’t ensure a gift of any kind is received in the way you would like. That’s not how gifts work at all. Some gifts are appreciated, some are not. What is important is that you find a partner with the same morals and ambitions in life who deeply respects you. Once you find that, this notion of a “gift” will become significantly less important.

I'm so surprised by the way so many people are agreeing it's weird. What's weird? You had boundaries and stuck to them. Maybe that is more weird than losing your virginity at 14 on a pile of beds at a party or with a man in his twenties who'd been waiting until you were of age or so the other horrid virginity loss stories people tell but if it is, I'd rather be the weird one. Thinking of yourself as a gift is fine. Thinking of your virginity as a gift is fine. Giving it only when you want to is more than fine whatever the reasons! Even if what you want has changed. Being in charge of your own sex life is 100% ideal.

Your bf reacted weirdly and probably because he didn't know what to say and is not as emotionally mature as you'd hoped. You can decide what you want to do about him in particular but I don't think that says anything at all about you personally!

I really don't like the idea of virginity as a gift. There's nothing wrong with choosing not to have sex, but the idea of virginity as a gift is problematic.

Firstly, because it carries this idea the virginity is a physical thing, that your genitals or body somehow change just due to the presence/insertion of a penis.

Secondly, it's an idea that gives men far too much ownership over women's bodies.

Yes I take your point but it depends whether it's a mutual gift really. Not something I would want for myself, but the idea of giving an intimate part of yourselves to each other is a personal thing isn't it.

I do also think that if you want to think of your own virginity as a gift, you can. As with lots of things about sex, personal specific preferences and attitudes don't have to indicate anything general or public.