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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think this is a fairly normal/chilled weekend?

295 replies

mrsm43s · 03/10/2023 16:23

DH had a gentle huff about always having stuff to do on the weekends. When I raised an eyebrow at him, he back tracked and just muttered about being tired and grumpy.

I'm genuinely surprised that he raised this, as I thought out weekend was pretty normal, and actually, if anything, I think we have a pretty easy time of it now.

To set the scene, during the week, we both predominantly WfH with max 1-2 days each in the office, and we tend to work approx 8-4, with an hour lunch break. As a result most day to day washing, cleaning etc is kept up to date as we go along, as they are frankly short days, and we have plenty of time to keep on top of stuff during the week. We have 2 "children" - one is away at Uni, and the other is in Sixth Form, both good kids and pretty independent without much input required from us apart from the general parental support and guidance. Kids can drive, so not having to run them round to activities and social life any more. Household stuff is shared pretty equally, we tend to work well as a team.

So this weekend:

Friday evening - popped to see friend in pub for a drink straight from work at 4, then went for an early meal out with friends. Back home by 9.30ish and an early night after a lovely evening.

Saturday- lay in til about 9, went together to do a small supermarket shop, got back had a light lunch. We then did some decorating (repainting Uni teen's walls with a fresh coat of emulsion - so nothing taxing and room is already prepped and ready to go, first coat already done) from about 12.30 til about 3.30. DH then met his sibling and niece for a dog walk, whilst I prepped dinner. Sibling and niece joined us for dinner, then left about 9. DH and I chatted for a bit over a glass of wine, and then headed up to bed by around 10-10.30.

Sunday - lay in til about 9. We both took dog out for a leisurely walk, followed by brunch out together. Back home by about 12.30. Then we put teens newly decorated room back to rights, cleared up all the decorating kit, hoovered, dusted all surfaces and cleaned the carpet in that room. I stopped about 4pm to cook a roast dinner. DH finished up and was done by 5.30. We sat down with teen for a family roast. Cleared up jointly after the roast - all done and dusted by about 7pm. The evening now our own for back to work stuff, chilling, listening to radio, reading etc. Both headed up to bed about 10.30ish.

Is this a particularly busy or taxing weekend?

To my mind it was really chilled and lovely. A good balance of social, family and couple time, some jobs done (and nice rewarding ones where you can see the difference!), but plenty of downtime.

I'm generally more assertive than DH and not one to sit around, so I just want to sense check that I'm not working DH into the ground or not listening to his needs! DH is very mild natured and easy going, so even a grumble from him is pretty unusual. If it is too much work, too busy, I want to hear that!

We're late 40s/early 50s, and generally fit and healthy. I'd say we have a pretty great relationship and enjoy each other's company.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/10/2023 18:54

Sounds hell to me.

mrsm43s · 03/10/2023 19:06

DaisyWaldron · 03/10/2023 18:39

It sounds as though it could be a pleasant weekend, but I certainly wouldn't say there was plenty of downtime. I don't see any downtime until after 7pm on Sunday night. Everything else is socialising/doing stuff.

I consider going to the pub as downtime
I consider going out to dinner with friends as downtime
I consider going for a long dog walk downtime
I consider going to brunch with my DH downtime
I consider having dinner with family downtime
I consider sitting having a glass of wine with DH as downtime
I consider laying in to 9am downtime (up at about 6.45 during the week)
I consider having an early night as downtime!

Interesting how people have different perspectives. TBH the only bits of our weekend I don't consider downtime are the decorating/clearing/cooking bits, and that adds up to about 4 hours a day!

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 03/10/2023 19:11

mrsm43s · 03/10/2023 16:32

I should point out, it's the decorating / house stuff he was huffing about, not the social stuff. We're both pretty sociable people, but probably more me than him.

I think it's the fact that we have a continual, never-ending list of things that need doing in the house/garden that bothers him - but that's normal for middle aged homeowners, no?

Maybe you're a little over focussed on what's 'normal' and not what he wants/needs. It probably is normal, but that doesn't mean he isn't tired/could do with a day off.

It's normal for newborn babies to wake every couple of hours, it doesn't make it any less tiring. It's not what you'd want to hear when complaining about how you need a rest is it?

PikachuEars · 03/10/2023 19:17

It sounds like a nice, productive, balanced weekend but I wouldn't describe it as chilled.

I think DIY / house jobs can feel like a bit of a millstone so even though they were balanced by other things, having DIY jobs on both days may have changed the dynamic for your DH. Personally I'd prefer to have one day that was busy with DIY and a full day off.

gerrithedom · 03/10/2023 19:20

That's great you consider all of those things downtime. I definitely wouldn't!

But I wouldn't, I'd enjoy them very much but then id need downtime involving not seeing people, and some silence.

Maybe your DH is more of an introvert than you thought?

VivaVivaa · 03/10/2023 19:26

Sounds like an absolutely lush weekend. Gives me hope for the future 😂 To me that would be a very relaxing weekend but a) I’m not very good at doing nothing - meals out, walking, cooking and DIY are a ‘down time’ activities as far as I’m concerned and b) my weekends are currently taken up by a baby and a toddler, so my bar is pretty low. I’m not surprised some posters view that as very busy weekend, I know for example my parents couldn’t cope with that regularly.

LumpyPumpkin · 03/10/2023 19:31

Would it be possible to pay for someone to do some of the 'never-ending jobs'? If that's possible for you that could relieve some of the weekend pressure.

Also may be worth trying to do some of these things one evening through the week so the weekend doesn't feel like such a chore.

I love the sound of all of the socialising and relaxing your weekend involved but the thought of every weekend spent doing some house/DIY stuff would fill me with dread.

pizzaHeart · 03/10/2023 21:38

mrsm43s · 03/10/2023 19:06

I consider going to the pub as downtime
I consider going out to dinner with friends as downtime
I consider going for a long dog walk downtime
I consider going to brunch with my DH downtime
I consider having dinner with family downtime
I consider sitting having a glass of wine with DH as downtime
I consider laying in to 9am downtime (up at about 6.45 during the week)
I consider having an early night as downtime!

Interesting how people have different perspectives. TBH the only bits of our weekend I don't consider downtime are the decorating/clearing/cooking bits, and that adds up to about 4 hours a day!

It’s quite busy weekend, there was no much downtime in terms that almost every minute there was something going on. However saying this I completely disagree with your DH’s attitude because there are always jobs around the house and garden that are needed to be done over weekend and that’s normal.
Things you’ve called downtime I would call “ fun stuff” and there was too much of it imo so your DH didn’t feel free but he wrongly attributed it to decorating, no, it was brunch and long dog walks that were the problem, they were avoidable extras, decorating was necessary.
DH and I would prefer getting up much earlier on Saturday and get decorating done in one day and then have free day on Sunday to meet up with family and go on a long walk or just do nothing. But it would feel different as the big job would have been done already.

AppropriateAdult · 03/10/2023 22:19

I find the different definitions of 'downtime' so interesting. I'd feel similar to you about the DIY, OP - I love ticking house jobs off a list - but I wouldn't consider any of your examples to be downtime. For me, downtime is me alone in a room with a book and a coffee, and your fun but busy weekend didn't allow for any of that.

Ragwort · 03/10/2023 22:29

Agree it's interesting what people consider 'downtime', I absolutely wouldn't consider socialising or going out for a meal (even with just my DH) as 'downtime'.

To me 'downtime' is being totally on my own, no demands on my time apart from a good book or tv programme of my choice to watch.

ThePoshUns · 03/10/2023 22:35

IhearyouClemFandango · 03/10/2023 16:37

Sounds very chilled to me. I guess some people have less capacity than others.

This

Mouldyfoodhelp · 03/10/2023 23:05

AppropriateAdult · 03/10/2023 22:19

I find the different definitions of 'downtime' so interesting. I'd feel similar to you about the DIY, OP - I love ticking house jobs off a list - but I wouldn't consider any of your examples to be downtime. For me, downtime is me alone in a room with a book and a coffee, and your fun but busy weekend didn't allow for any of that.

See I guess " house jobs" need a definition but I'd never see painting, washing, tidying as downtime it's doing jobs.

I think there's plenty of social time in OPs schedule but also feel like if it was regimented I'd feel like it was too much as I'd be going from one thing to the next, to the next.

Downtime to me is something done alone or with family/ close ones say watching a film, reading, playing games, maybe a walk but I guess to add to the activity its about the freedom to change what you're doing and no rigidity. Sitting down to watch a film naturally is downtime, being alloted 127mins to watch a film before painting a room feels less downtime-y

Jeannie88 · 03/10/2023 23:07

Sounds lovely! Luxury of wfh and not having to catch up on everything at weekend/evenings after long commutes with young DC to Bath etc. Extra tasks of decorating can be chosen, not part of every weekend? X

MotherOfCrocodiles · 03/10/2023 23:15

Wow that sounds lovely and very chilled

I don't see how soon diy at the weekend is stressful, when else would you do it?

slithytoveisascientist · 03/10/2023 23:16

Insanely busy

Invalidusername88 · 03/10/2023 23:34

mrsm43s · 03/10/2023 16:48

Thank you - this is very interesting.

DH generally subscribes to the happy wife = happy life theory, so I do have to check myself that I don't take advantage of his lovely nature! Hence why I'm asking this rather than just dismissing him!

For those that asked, I'd describe myself as gently extroverted, I would say DH is also gently extroverted. We both like being around people, but neither of us are loud, life and soul of the party types. I don't think the social side was an issue for DH at all, nor the eating out.

I think he gets fed up with never ending "jobs". We've not long ago had an extension, so we're still playing catch up with some decorating. Because our weeks are fairly easy, weekends tend to be saved for the "big jobs" - e.g decorating, maintenance, gardening, spring cleaning etc, which we tend to tackle together. We honestly never seem to get to the end of the list of jobs that need doing! But we tend to tackle them at a fairly chilled pace.

Sounds like you've answered your own question - It's the DIY that's done it. He wasn't feeling that and would probably have preferred to do something else.

flustereddriver75 · 04/10/2023 06:52

mrsm43s · 03/10/2023 16:32

I should point out, it's the decorating / house stuff he was huffing about, not the social stuff. We're both pretty sociable people, but probably more me than him.

I think it's the fact that we have a continual, never-ending list of things that need doing in the house/garden that bothers him - but that's normal for middle aged homeowners, no?

Do "we" have a continual list or do you have a list and insist things get done at a particular time?

Your weekend sounds nice but busy ish to me but then I do need a few hours where I stop and rest and have a bit of headspace to recharge.

megletthesecond · 04/10/2023 07:01

I agree with productive but not chilled.
It would be chilled without the decorating.

PuggyInTheMuddle · 04/10/2023 07:04

I think it's the fact that we have a continual, never-ending list of things that need doing in the house/garden that bothers him - but that's normal for middle aged homeowners, no?

Not really, not all the time. The first thing I thought while reading your OP was why on earth does Uni Ds’s room just need a fresh coat of emulsion? How bad could it be? How house proud and perfectionist are you? And had the prep been done last weekend?

wondering7777 · 04/10/2023 07:12

That sounds like a perfect weekend to me!

LaurieStrode · 04/10/2023 07:36

Papillon23 · 03/10/2023 16:28

It sounds pretty busy to me - two meals out, having people over for dinner and decorating a room is quite a lot...

Agree with this. Too social for my taste.

SofiaSoFar · 04/10/2023 07:41

ThePoshUns · 03/10/2023 22:35

This

Nah, I'm not buying that. It's a straw man.

Many people have loads of "capacity", as you put it, but it doesn't translate to agreeing that spending a good chunk of the weekend doing chores is relaxing/chilled.

NumberTheory · 04/10/2023 07:43

mrsm43s · 03/10/2023 19:06

I consider going to the pub as downtime
I consider going out to dinner with friends as downtime
I consider going for a long dog walk downtime
I consider going to brunch with my DH downtime
I consider having dinner with family downtime
I consider sitting having a glass of wine with DH as downtime
I consider laying in to 9am downtime (up at about 6.45 during the week)
I consider having an early night as downtime!

Interesting how people have different perspectives. TBH the only bits of our weekend I don't consider downtime are the decorating/clearing/cooking bits, and that adds up to about 4 hours a day!

I totally get what you mean about socializing being downtime. But for me, a chill weekend is all downtime. 4 hours a day (which is more than half of a “work” day for you two) of non-chill stuff is not a chill weekend. And if you’re doing that, often more, every weekend, I get why he’s moaning!

I think your to do list may be a little long. I cannot imagine painting a uni kid’s room ever being on my list of things that need doing.

Karwomannghia · 04/10/2023 07:47

Im surprised so many people consider that a busy weekend! Really interesting actually!

Divebar2021 · 04/10/2023 07:55

I love it that someone’s trying to throw shade on others because of “capacity”. I’m not sure I know many people who have the luxury of both working at home 8-4 every day. If I did I certainly wouldn’t be doing a supermarket shop on a Saturday morning.