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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s not my fault he didn’t knock?!

486 replies

PottyPet · 03/10/2023 09:31

We’re trying to sell our house and DP organised someone to come and do a valuation today. There was no specified time. At 7.50am, I get a string of text messages from DP saying the valuer was coming between 8am - 9am. We have a 4 week old baby who was up all night and I hadn’t even got out of bed yet. The house was in no way tidy, clean or suitable for anyone to value or view! I asked if it was possible that the valuer could rearrange for later, DP said he could not.

I then start running around trying to tidy the house whilst having a screaming crying baby who wants feeding and a nappy change in between. At 8am I get a text from DP saying the valuer is there (there was no knock at the door, only DP letting me know). I ask DP if the valuer can come back a bit later as the baby needs sorting out and the house is in no way ready. He says the valuer needs to do it this morning but will wait a bit and I’m to let him in.

45 minutes later, I’m still running around trying to get things in the house sorted (thankfully baby is fed and changed by this point)! DP comes back from the school run and goes mad saying the valuer has been waiting since 8am and is very angry and annoyed… except he never knocked at the door! He didn’t knock when he arrived at 8am or any of the duration where he was waiting and getting annoyed. Apparently I was supposed to just let him in when I and the house was ready.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous and it’s the valuers own fault for not knocking?!

OP posts:
Lou670 · 03/10/2023 11:43

So the agent was there to just do a valuation? He was not there to take photos to market the property? The house being a mess would not affect the valuation. You knew he was there patiently waiting for you to be ready. I would have just let him in and explained (not that is required it as I'm sure he could see for himself) that you hadn't tidied up. Surely the house would or should have been tidied the day before, just leaving a quick going round on the actual day?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/10/2023 11:44

At the end of the day. The valuation appointment wasn't convenient. You had no notice and 7.50 am is very early. Your DP should have said this and made a new arrangement.

However, if you are selling your house, the two of you need to get it into order so that not a tip as you describe and its ready for people coming to look at it with as much notice as possible. You need to aim for it being no more than a half hour tidy up. So that means advance planning right now or you will be permanently on the back foot and at each others throats. Its the only way to reduce the stress of selling/moving.

I know this is a MASSIVE pain, particularly with children, and you have my sympathy but you BOTH need to spend next weekend getting things sorted as much as possible. EG.. almost getting the house to ready to view standard with washing put away, sinks cleared, bathrooms tidy etc... Because once you have it valued, it Estate Agents will be wanting to take pictures and organise viewings at odd times much more quickly than you'd expect and BOTH of you will have to be ready.

Your DH was being unrealistic in booking something first thing Monday morning with school runs and needs to listen to you when you say it's not convenient so early and then keep in touch with the valuer if DH is the one issuing messages about waiting. Another day wouldn't have killed anyone.

Selling is a lot of work. The two of you have to make a plan together about how you are going to do this and who is going to do what. You have your timetable with the children - so give the times you think you will be able to let people in.

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 11:44

followmyflow · 03/10/2023 11:29

dp asked you to tidy the house at 7:50am?! arsehole.

indeed. He should have tidied up himself. And send the OP to do the school run.

Passepartoute · 03/10/2023 11:45

user1492757084 · 03/10/2023 09:59

No one has to let any person into their home with short notice at any time.

It is the prerogative of the home owner.

If I were OP I would want after 10:00 am and I would want some one else there.

But the home owner in this case agreed to it.

EaudeJavel · 03/10/2023 11:46

DelightfullyDotty · 03/10/2023 11:43

The lesson here op is to trust your own judgement. Don’t seek the validation of people on MN because they won’t give it unless it goes along with the MN narrative. Honestly, this place is bonkers!

don't ask for people's opinion when you only want them to agree with you.

There, is that what you were trying to say?

Gerrataere · 03/10/2023 11:46

Passepartoute · 03/10/2023 11:42

But you'd been asked to let him in and you knew he was outside. Why would you not open the door when you'd been asked to do so?

The valuer wouldn't care about how tidy the house was, and you could have let him get on with it while you fed the baby.

Show quote history

He wasn’t on the physical doorstep though, he was in the car and down the road. To be honest as a professional he was a bit of a pillock not to knock on the door or ring the op’s partner after 20 minutes asking if he could come in now. Waiting 45 in his car out of view is pretty silly, most people would have either made themselves known or left in half that time.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 03/10/2023 11:47

Op I think you should put off any ideas of moving until things settle down for you.

But - tin hat on - lot of women 4 weeks postpartum would have been doing the school run themselves accompanied by the baby. However shit their nights sleep had been.

Janiie · 03/10/2023 11:47

I wonder how the estate agents manages in their life generally, do they spend it sat outside houses for 45minutes at a time. Very bizarre amd incapable.

Op, valuations are at a time and day that suits you. You have a newborn, your dp is a best gormless and the EA sounds equally as bad.

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 03/10/2023 11:49

Topseyt123 · 03/10/2023 09:43

You're being ridiculous. Of course you could have let the valuer in! They could have been getting on with the job while you were feeding and changing the baby. I see absolutely no reason why not at all. Of course the person can't be expected to jiggle all of their day's appointments around just to suit you!

Valuations aren't affected by general the untidiness of family life. Just let them in and leave them to get on with their job. They will have a number of other appointments that day and you have now unnecessarily caused them to overrun on the very first one. For no good reason.

You were very rude and silly.

Exactly this. People generally understand that mothers with little babies don't have the house spotless early in the morning.

He's just looking at the general floor plan and size and condition of the structure. It's not a hotel review.

It's extremely rude to leave him waiting. He's got things to attend to, as well.

oksothisisusnow · 03/10/2023 11:49

YABU OP.
Both you and your DH were disrespectful of the valuers time.
No early morning wasn't ideal, but in that case you get the house ready for the night before and when valuer arrives at the crack of dawn, you put your baby in the carrier, say sorry the cleaner hasn't had their first mug of tea yet so I hope you'll ignore the mess we created during our night awake!
Tea?
And they go and do their valuation.

I don't understand why you were nowhere near ready knowing there was an appointment today.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 11:51

PottyPet · 03/10/2023 11:11

Texts are as follows:

DP: The valuer is coming between 8am and 9am. I won’t be back in time.

Me: Eh?! I’m still in bed, I’ve no idea how I’m going to manage that, the baby is also screaming for food.

DP: You don’t need to get yourself ready just concentrate on the house, it needs to be tidy.

He would have been told to FOTTFSOFATFOSM if he'd sent that to me!

Inconsiderate twat.

Gerrataere · 03/10/2023 11:51

say sorry the cleaner hasn't had their first mug of tea yet so I hope you'll ignore the mess we created during our night awake!

Who the hell is the cleaner 🤣🤣

PickledPurplePickle · 03/10/2023 11:51

YABU if I was the valuer I would have left - ridiculous that you just left him waiting for 45 minutes

Passepartoute · 03/10/2023 11:52

I think what I find difficult to get past is OP knowing the valuer was waiting outside but taking a full 45 minutes faffing around - and if her husband hadn't come back, would presumably have carried on faffing. How much time did she realistically think a busy professional had to spare?

The most she needed to do by way of tidying was chuck any underwear into a cupboard and get dirty plates etc into the kitchen. She didn't, for instance, need to feed and change the baby before opening the door, she could have done that whilst the valuer was there - if she was breastfeeding and didn't want to feed in front of him, she could just have moved to a bedroom and asked him to knock before going in there.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 11:53

Iwantmyoldnameback · 03/10/2023 11:47

Op I think you should put off any ideas of moving until things settle down for you.

But - tin hat on - lot of women 4 weeks postpartum would have been doing the school run themselves accompanied by the baby. However shit their nights sleep had been.

Some would.

I could barely walk at 4 weeks PP with one of mine.

And it doesn't sound like her partner had given her the option of him tidying and her going to school as I assume it was more convenient for him to go to work after the school run

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/10/2023 11:53

Passepartoute · 03/10/2023 11:45

But the home owner in this case agreed to it.

Show quote history

Yes. They did. And the valuer was messed around which was unfair.

Poor communication all round which is unfortunate. Dh should have given OPs and Valuer each other's number so they could have spoken to say "I'm still outside" or whatever. DH didn't relay messages between the two. Daft situation all round.

That's why they need to sort themselves out now, following on from this as they could run out of suitable estate agents.

Having said that the valuer did change the appointment time at short notice and DH knowing it was in the middle of a school run should have let it go and organised it for another day

More haste, less speed as my DM used to say. 😅

Gerrataere · 03/10/2023 11:53

It's extremely rude to leave him waiting. He's got things to attend to, as well.

Yeah, like the next TikTok video on his phone if he’s got a spare 45 minutes to sit in his car without consequence or need to chase up where his appointment has got to…

yogasaurus · 03/10/2023 11:54

Yabu

chalkup · 03/10/2023 11:55

But even if you thought he was in a cafe, why expect him to sit there waiting for you for 45 mins?!

Look, I get unreasonable timings. I'm in London and property people just turn up whenever the fuck they want. I WFH, and it's usually my DH communicating with them so I hate these last min appointments where I'm in charge of letting them in. Sometimes I've just popped out of the house, or house is a proper mess, or I'm in an online meeting, etc. Impossible situation and sometimes I get angry at DH (though really not his fault).

But I also know my DH is out and busy, the house people are also doing their jobs trying to fit everyone's schedule (case in point, your tidying schedule!), and some communication is necessary.

Sorted with short update texts to DH, or I get their number directly and take over comms from DH, or I open the door and (gulp) ask them if they have any appointments or work to do nearby, and to come back in half an hour! Or sometimes just firmly send them away for good lol.

I get that you freaked out in the mad rush... It sounds like head in the sand anxiety. I understand rationalising "well it must have been sorted since I told Party A I wasn't ready and haven't heard from Party B since". I often fall into that tempting "broken telephone" trap in personal admin or work. But a tiny bit of communication never went amiss.

chalkup · 03/10/2023 11:59

Passepartoute · 03/10/2023 11:52

I think what I find difficult to get past is OP knowing the valuer was waiting outside but taking a full 45 minutes faffing around - and if her husband hadn't come back, would presumably have carried on faffing. How much time did she realistically think a busy professional had to spare?

The most she needed to do by way of tidying was chuck any underwear into a cupboard and get dirty plates etc into the kitchen. She didn't, for instance, need to feed and change the baby before opening the door, she could have done that whilst the valuer was there - if she was breastfeeding and didn't want to feed in front of him, she could just have moved to a bedroom and asked him to knock before going in there.

Yes, I think sounds like perfectionism plus head in the sand anxiety.

But if you take the courage to just communicate (eg open the door, or get the phone number from DH), often you'd be surprised by what concessions they can make. Communication is king!

They might tell you what key things to tidy, or might even agree to go to next appointment first or a cafe nearby to work (very very kind of them) for half an hour. Spoken from lots of experience.

nevynevster · 03/10/2023 12:01

"In a bit" for me means 10 mins or so not best part of an hour ! Also valuers do not care in the slightest if houses are tidy. Sure ot was an inconvenient time but just let him or her in in your PJs and that would have been fine !

1month · 03/10/2023 12:01

I was just told he was there and to let him in - but DP had also said to him I needed some time to sort myself, the house and the baby.

YABVU and I expect intentionally didn’t let him in to be passive aggressive towards him/DH because you were annoyed that it was so early.

Your DH told you he was outside.
You then said you weren’t ready, so DH would have relayed this and the man give you time to get ready.

The valuer had no idea how long you’d be and so why would he think about knocking every 5 minutes to see if you were ready yet - that would have been rude considering that DH had already told him you weren’t ready.

You know that it was on you to let him know that you were ready, as that’s what he was waiting on.

If you didn’t know where he was then you could have texted DH to let him know to pass it on.

You were 100% in the wrong here.

Gerrataere · 03/10/2023 12:01

But even if you thought he was in a cafe, why expect him to sit there waiting for you for 45 mins?!

So along with dealing with a newborn and ‘sorting the house’ as asked, the op is also unreasonable for not going for a wander to look for said estate agent with said newborn instead of him approaching the house and knocking like a sensible professional? Remembering EA had only contact details for the home owner and not the op. Or is she also unreasonable for not developing telekinesis at this point…

Nicknacky · 03/10/2023 12:02

Gerrataere · 03/10/2023 12:01

But even if you thought he was in a cafe, why expect him to sit there waiting for you for 45 mins?!

So along with dealing with a newborn and ‘sorting the house’ as asked, the op is also unreasonable for not going for a wander to look for said estate agent with said newborn instead of him approaching the house and knocking like a sensible professional? Remembering EA had only contact details for the home owner and not the op. Or is she also unreasonable for not developing telekinesis at this point…

Do you honestly think the OP would have been happy if he had chapped the door?

He was dammed if he did, dammed if he didn’t.

1month · 03/10/2023 12:05

Gerrataere · 03/10/2023 11:53

It's extremely rude to leave him waiting. He's got things to attend to, as well.

Yeah, like the next TikTok video on his phone if he’s got a spare 45 minutes to sit in his car without consequence or need to chase up where his appointment has got to…

So DH had told him she wasn’t ready yet and so you think he should have knocked anyway?

Or given her 5/10mins and then knocked?

What if she wasn’t ready after 5/10mins?
Should he just keep knocking every 5 mins?

Presumably he knew she had a baby and hadn’t long woke up and I would think it was really rude if I had just told someone I wasn’t ready yet and they kept knocking on the door to see if I was ready yet.