To think that 14 year olds don’t need educated on sex positions?

[fourelementary]

My dd doesn’t want to go to school this afternoon as she is embarrassed to go to her sex education lesson. I spoke to her about how it was good that young people were being taught about sex and she went into more detail about why she is uncomfortable.
Last week they discussed sexual positions and different ways to have sex including anal. She was mortified and said she doesn’t mind knowing about sex (we’ve always been honest about the birds and the bees from a young age anyway) but she finds this awkward and far too much information about which she has absolutely no interest currently.

I am no prude, but was quite shocked at the detail being discussed and agree with her it’s unnecessary for this age group.

Because increasing numbers of young people are sustaining injuries from seeing anal in porn and thinking that’s how it’s done.

Whilst “don’t do it” is the ideal for their age group it’s also unrealistic so far better to educate them on how to do it safely if they’re going to rather than just see more and more injured

By 14, some of the class will be sexually active. Or encountering sexual material.

I, like a lot of people in my age range who were a bit geeky I suspect, first properly "encountered" different positions via fanfics I was too young to really read. Others via porn. These are NOT good sources of information, although fanfic is usually somewhat more informed.

Was it also something that was prompted by discussions in the class? I remember a sex Ed lesson where the teacher asked us all to write down questions we had about sex and she'd try and answer them or use them to inform future lessons. Most of us were too embarrassed to actually ask the questions we had, even though we didn't have to say outloud, but we definitely had questions about these things.

And, as others have said, gay students deserve sex ed too and to learn that anal needs lots of help, lube and isn't as "easy" (for want of a better word) as vaginal.

I was involved with an under 15s and under 18s girls rugby team about 10 years ago - at their school 14-16 year old girls were being persuaded to do anal so they can keep their virginity. There were also (apparently) a huge number who believed you can't get pregnant first time you have sex, that you can't get pregnant standing up or in any position other than missionary.

It doesn't sound as though the 'lets all talk about sex and get it out in the open' idea is providing any better or more accurate information than those of us in our 50s got from Just 17's 'position of the week'!

Its the way its taught that is important.

Its all don’t kink shame, anal is great, don’t slut shame. Sex work is amazing work.

Instead of anal can cause injury.

I’ll never forget a girl I knew at school quite upset during a sex Ed lesson at 15/16. A couple of us were worried that maybe it was because she’d been assaulted etc, so we asked her about it as gently as we could. Turns out that she was convinced she was a sexual deviant because of an offhand comment from the teacher taking the lesson. She had asked pupils to suggest things that could be done instead of penetrative sex, and somebody had said ‘a 69’. Her reply was “do you really think that normal people in a loving healthy relationship are doing that?”, which is exactly what this girl had been doing with her boyfriend because they weren’t ready to have full sex.
It’s extremely important that teenagers especially get factual, informed information about sex and relationships so that they can make sound, informed decisions.

I knew about sex at 14 but only knew about barrier methods of contraception and my DM didn’t think I should be having sex then (I did, at 14.5). I had no idea about the pill though and my best friend helped me out with MAP/pill when I was 16. Still didn’t stop me getting pregnant at 17, I had absolutely no idea about contraception so I think the more information about sex and sex education the better.

The number of people saying anal is painful, dangerous, nothing in it for women, are at least some reasons why education is needed! It should absolutely not be painful, dangerous, and can be very enjoyable. Of course it might not be for everyone and I'm sure schools aren't suggesting that 14 years olds go off and do it, but I'm sorry that previous posters have had horrible experiences that shouldn't have happened.

Or perhaps they've never done it and are just talking out of their... ahem.

I agree with sex education in general but I don't think sex positions necessarily should form a part of it, it's not More magazine. Anal though does have a place because people need to know that it's not necessarily straightforward or ok - particularly lads watching porn.

I'd focus much more on consent and other relationship issues generally at that age- responsibility, emotions, coercive control and so on.

They usually cover how to safely do anal (lube, prep etc) as there seems to be a misunderstanding (due to porn) that lube is only for gay sex.

I am shocked that 14 year olds are being taught this in school

I don't think sex positions necessarily should form a part of it, it's not More magazine

Is there still the equivalent of More magazine for teenagers to access, though? For all its faults, at least it was vaguely educational and did give more of a balanced view of everything than porn does.

14 year olds have sex. And while the majority might be older, a lot of 15 and 16 year olds definitely do. Teaching about sex at School is really important.

Of course, what's equally important is how it is taught.

My year 11 dd is 15 and she hasn’t had this in sex ed at school. More about consent etc.

She had started seeing a lad, who I anticipated would be after sex… and I talked to her about not being pressured and about anal sex. I know it was tmi for her but I felt it appropriate.

What I told her is that can be dangerous and make you incontinent especially if he just pushes himself up there (yes this happened to me when I was a teen and I didn’t realise until after the event as it was mid sex). I also told her about a podcast I had listened to and the woman said porn stars take 12 hours to slowly prep themselves to reduce the risk of injury.

Unfortunately a lot of parents won’t be discussing this with their kids. But no, I don’t think they need to learn about positions and as the school is teaching this, I would be gently discussing what she has been told with her and setting her straight some time in the future when she’s a little older.

I can remember someone telling m that a relative of there's takes these lessons in schools and she had been shocked that a lot of "kids" were going right to anal as a means to not get pregnant. They've become so hyped up about the risks of pregnancy they're taking risks by doing anal and hurting themselves. Also noted that "fingering" was dying out.. from feedback kids aren't bothering with that and led to the discussion about how they knew it was "wet" enough which was another painful approach.
Times have changed it seems and kids are at risk of hurting themselves for not being properly educated. Can only be a good thing for them to know but I can see why she's embarrassed.

Why is it important to teach children about anal sex?

Because not all teenagers are heterosexual, they need good factual information.

Because porn tells kids anal is to be expected in a sexual relationship. Boys and girls need a counter argument and need to know about consent/the ability to say no.

Because some of those children may have experienced abuse and may need a language to understand what happened to them.

It would be great if kids had a slow introduction to sex and could figure it out as they went, but that’s not the world we live in.

I don’t think sex positions should be taught but anal sex definitely should be.

There was a survey done on males and females under 25 and the majority of them had either had/given anal or believed it should be part of sex.

There were multiple responses from under the age of 20 saying anal sex is just part of sex and it should happen even if it’s uncomfortable or they don’t like it.

There were also responses saying that the first time they lost their virginity they did anal.

I would prefer this talk at an older age but it’s better to give them the information before they start having sex, so they have the knowledge and no one can coerce them into doing things they don’t want to do.
Also lots of 14 year olds are having sex and it’s important that they know what is right and wrong.

I'm with the 14 year old on this.

Other than stopping yourself getting pregnant and protecting yourself from stds, no one needs to be taught positions, etc. When you're ready, you generally (and enthusiastically) work it out for yourself.

There's something that doesn't sit well with me about how all children are forced to sit through this additional information (beyond the basics), regardless of whether they feel ready or not - and at 14, if people think your daughter is ready to have sex and to facilitate that, why are her views not taken into account as to whether she wants to sit through talks of this nature? Is that not the definition of abusive?

I also feel very strongly that the 'everything is acceptable, we make no judgements here' attitude is enormously disempowering for young women, and doesn't give them any tools to reject sexual suggestions on the basis they think what is being suggested is gross or disgusting. 'I don't want to' is flimsy, and easily talked round.

It’s always tricky when this topic and children collide but ultimately it’s probably best for them to learn about it at school. Lots of people grow up and know nothing more than the basics and many more relationships could survive if they had a bit more spice. The other good thing about anal in particular is no pregnancy so I can see why they might recommend this as it’s safer than the front door.

Comprehensive sex education requires this imo. Teenagers need to know how to have sex safely, which means knowing about the various ways you can have sex.

Remember - there’s no healthy way to raise a teenager so that they never learn about things like anal sex. Do you want them learning about it from a trained professional, or the internet / their friends? Those are really the only options.

I would of course expect any discussion on sexual positions etc to be robustly situated within a framework which explicitly details the importance of consent, boundaries, etc.

I think YABU. It's a horrible fact of life now that kids may be put in these positions so education is good. It's ick and shouldn't be neccessary but it is modern life. Knowledge is power and all that. Grim though, totally agree with you there. Dd is 12, i am so not ready for that shit 😔

"Safe sex" isn't just about not getting pregnant or not catching an STD/I. Safe sex also included how to have sex in a way that doesn't cause you or your partner harm. So it is important to cover positions to a degree

And "work it out for yourselves" is how people get harmed. Because they don't have the tools in place to do so safely.

Would you tell someone who wants to learn to drive or do archery or skiing or whatever to "work it out for themselves" or would you encourage them to get lessons, do research, ask people with more knowledge first?

Your last paragraph is actually the reason it's important to talk about positions girls (and boys) might encounter. So they have the tools to say "I don't want to do that. We don't have lube to make that enjoyable. I don't enjoy that. You haven't taken time to prep me" etc

👍👍👍

I work in safeguarding children. Most parents would be shocked at what 12 year olds are doing, never mind 14 year olds. Completely normal 12/13 year olds from normal middle class families. They are exposed to so much online and through talking to peers who have seen stuff online that they think it's totally normal to send explicit photos to each other, boys think it's normal to expect blowjobs and ejaculate on a girls face without asking first, that anal sex is great way of having sex without the risk of pregnancy etc.
which is exactly why your daughter is having these classes , to ensure she is given correct information and understands consent.
Your daughter having these classes is a positive thing.

Children develop at different times and I can see some 14 year olds are probably ready for more detailed sex ed some are not ready and it will make them feel uncomfortable. My Foster son attended a special secondary school. I know he was furious he had to sit through more than one lesson on anal sex. He has complex special needs and tends to see things in black and white but he told his teacher I don't want to see this. The teacher told him it was important as some children might be gay and need the information. He told the teacher but I'm not gay so I don't want to see it. We got a phone call saying he was showing homophobic tendencies. This is actually not true because outside of school one of his friends is gay. He just didn't understand why he had to see it because he wasn't gay.

Consent is an important part of sex ed. Currently OP's daughter does not consent to being exposed to this level of sexual content. I'm seriously concerned about how you can teach boundaries at the same time as telling a child who's trying to assert theirs that they may not and must be exposed to sexual content against their will.