To think that inheritance should never be expected.

[YouCantHandleTheRuth]

Having lost both parents, our mother dying almost a year ago, father fourteen years ago, my sister and I have just inherited the proceeds of the sale of their house.

Mother had moved into sheltered accommodation - the sale of her house would have paid for the sheltered accommodation and any care required. She became ill quite suddenly and died before the house was sold. Her pension, saving and investments were covering the housing and care costs.

Consequently, my sister and I inherited 50% each of the investments and subsequently the house sale proceeds. Sister and I both live independently in homes with no mortgages outstanding, so neither expected any inheritance if funds were swallowed up by housing and care costs for our mother.

Our mother’s estate has been shared equally between us, and for both it has provided a welcome but not essential nest-egg as we both approach our own retirements.

Watching the current series Inheritance Wars on Channel 5, I’m baffled by the assumption people have that they have a right to their parents’ estate.

Why do offspring assume that their parents’ estate is automatically theirs? I’ve never expected to profit from my parents demise.

I can understand if there is a historic title involved, but surely people should make provisions for their own futures, not expect to be bailed out or have their nests feathered by receiving an inheritance. The money my sister and I received was not earned by us so therefore not expected by us.

Yep, totally agree. It can sting if a parent doesn't leave any/equal money in their will to their kids but it's absolutely their choice.

In one of the cases in last night's programme, the senile elderly widow had suddenly married someone nobody else had ever heard of. Even the lady's GP was shocked and suspicious.

That's easy to say when you've just got half a house as a "nest egg" and your mother's care was paid for = and not done by you for the past five or ten years.

I actually disagree, MN threads often contain posts that say we mustn't expect anything and have no right to it - and yet most people do expect it. And I think that's normal. We expect lots of things - because they are societal norms, because we carried on in the belief that that was what would happen.
Parents provide for their kids and want their kids to have the best possible life. Adult kids care about their parents and want to support their parents when things are getting a bit tough for them as they age. It's normal.

I had an ex who used to talk about how when his mum died he’d be able to afford a house in a way that suggested it was his due; it was deeply unattractive as his mum was not overly old at this point and the assumption that it should come to him and she shouldn’t spend her older life enjoying her money. Having had a parent that died before they could enjoy retirement I hope my other parent makes the most of this time and spends the money they earns doing so

100 per cent agree OP.

1. Cause I'd rather have my loved one alive than anything else and banking on inheritance essentially means you're waiting for someone to die - gross.
2. I hate to see how grabby families get and fall out, it's horrible. To the point where I would say don't worry about it, have whatever you want - because I don't want to be the reason for anyone else's bad feeling.

Ugh humans.

It's normal that if you know your parents are wealthy then you would assume you'd inherit some of that, circumstances allowing (unless it all has to go on their care etc).

It doesn't mean you should kick up a massive fuss if they decide to give it all to charity or something. But honestly, it would be normal to feel hurt in that situation. It's normal to assume that as their child you would inherit something.

Would you expect to be invited to your daughter's wedding, or meet your grandchildren, or be invited to a best friend's big birthday party? Of course you would. Would you be surprised or at least a bit miffed if a friend ignored you in the street, if your colleagues didn't sign a card or say good bye when you left your job or of no-one acknowledged the birth of your new baby? Of course you would. Because it's not what you'd expect. Same with inheritance. You might not be banking on it, you'd obviously prefer your parent to enjoy the money and live as long as possible but you wouldn't expect them to leave their money to a stranger.

There may be good reasons why those things wouldn't happen but they are not unreasonable expectations.

We expect lots of things - because they are societal norms, because we carried on in the belief that that was what would happen. Parents provide for their kids and want their kids to have the best possible life.

^ This. Expectation arises because of societal norms. But in the UK we have no forced heirship rights (except in some limited circumstances such as farm or crofting tenancies). This is why the Will is important. It sets out what the deceased wants to happen with their assets. It is not a contract, but a deed. There are ways to challenge it either through various rights of dependency or that the Will is in fact a fraud, but as far as I know there is no challenge just because persons are related in blood.

Ok, I challenge you to give your share of the inheritance to charity then ..
go on..
didn’t think so ..

Why do offspring assume that their parents’ estate is automatically theirs? I’ve never expected to profit from my parents demise.

And yet you did! Because your mum either made a will to that effect, or she died intestate. You seem a little lacking in empathy!

Why are you baffled. The elderly lady in the program had made a will leaving her estate to her 2 children. So they had every right to believe they would inherit the estate, including their childhood home. They weren’t to know that their dementia-suffering mother had been married in secret a few months before her death. With absolutely no-one being informed of the marriage.

Yep,
Its all very well to look down on other people whilst benefiting from your own inheritance ...

The only inheritance I've had from my family are various degrees of childhood trauma but my partner is likely to inherit financially from his parents.
He doesn't want it and has told them to spend it. His sister on the other hand regularly berates her parents for spending "her money". I think she sees it as the only way she'll own property but she's chosen to never work.
Inheritance should not be assumed. I find the whole thing very grabby. DP would be delighted if his parents spent their savings.

Mums told me I'm inheriting when she dies if no care home needed. I've told her stuff that go on a cruise or holiday or anything. Money is for living. I doubt she will but I'd rather she enjoyed her life

I had no inheritance from either parent. I quite agree with you OP. I think it's really greedy to expect it. If you get it, lucky you, but if you don't, it's no big deal.

I want to be able to leave money and our house to our children. I really hope it doesn’t all go in care home fees. If it does, well that’s life but no one wants that!

likewise my parents would like to leave their modest estate to their children. It’s natural.

I don’t expect an inheritance and certainly am not relying on anything, it would likely just be invested for our children. I know that is my parents wishes though. Not an unusual wish to have.

Both of my parents died relatively young and before needing any additional care.

I have inherited some money, and I have to say it’s a great help with the cost of living shooting up but it wasn’t expected.I thought at least one of them would have needed residential or nursing care which would have used up most of their savings.

Either way, I’d rather still have my parents alive.

I agree with this. Mumsnet is always on about not expecting an inheritance but I think this really depends on individual circumstances. I hope I have something to leave my children when I go!

In my own case, I have two quite wealthy parents (divorced) who have told me that they have made provisions for my sister and myself. I'm don't know exactly how much to expect but I would be dead shocked if I got nothing.

You're in a very privileged position to be able to make that statement. My parents will be 94 when my mortgage term ends. I absolutely expect to inherit a share of whatever they have left at the end of their lives. Not because I'm "entitled", but because I know my parents would want nothing more than to help out their children. I would be very disappointed and surprised if they left their estate to anyone other that my siblings and I.

Unless there has been a major falling out or there's no money/assets...then I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to expect something from your parents. My parents died fairly young so I got a much needed inheritance. Everything I own will go to my children without question... regardless of potential fallings out. It's how things should be for me.

Hard agree. One of my siblings approached my parents for an "advance" on inheritance, appears to think it's unfair DPs themselves inherited.

(A) who knows what expenses will occur before my DPs die, so who knows how much £, if any, would be left
(B) they only inherited anything because their parents died!

I encouraged my widowed father to buy whatever he wanted, do what he wanted, live as he chose. When he became unable to care for himself I nearly drove myself over the edge trying to help him and then chose him the best care home I could find.

I spent lots of his money trying to make his last months as easy for him as they could be. It was his money.. he'd earned it, and I wished he'd spent more on himself.

Had I been disappointed if he'd left me out of his will? Yes I would have. Not because I deserved it. But because I'd have not understood why.. he'd always said his wish was to see his children in a better position than he was

If that makes me 'grabby' I don't apologise. I too will leave my estate to my children.

In a normal loving family, I think it's right that children inherit from their parents every they haven't spent in their lives/ on care homes. I think mostly it's not about relying on the money, but about the message it gives if it is left to someone else.

My children are the most important people in my life and unless the do something awful, of course I want them to inherit from me.

Leaving your remaining wealth to someone is a sign of love. Not leaving it to them but to someone else is hurtful.

Most people would of course still have their parents alive than inherit - especially if the death was premature. But unless you die an untimely death - they are going to die before you - there's no getting away from that.

So, assuming the natural order and your parents die before you the question is about expecting parents to pass what they have on to their kids or not.

Maybe the enormous gap between median pay and house prices could have something to do with it. In the past people could buy a home with a normal job, for younger people it's impossible in many cases, and if an inheritance is the only way they will ever get a home I can see why they may behave differently to those for whom it was just an extra. I also think most parents want their children to inherit their estate, who else should it go to?

My parents both inherited from their parents. My mother was an abusive alcoholic and my father was absent. Neither is good with money and both have frittered away most of what they've received. I will feel hard done by if neither leaves me anything at all. I'd have preferred to have better parents and no money but I'd rather have a bit of money than nothing at all. And I don't think that makes me a bad person.