To think that inheritance should never be expected.

[YouCantHandleTheRuth]

Having lost both parents, our mother dying almost a year ago, father fourteen years ago, my sister and I have just inherited the proceeds of the sale of their house.

Mother had moved into sheltered accommodation - the sale of her house would have paid for the sheltered accommodation and any care required. She became ill quite suddenly and died before the house was sold. Her pension, saving and investments were covering the housing and care costs.

Consequently, my sister and I inherited 50% each of the investments and subsequently the house sale proceeds. Sister and I both live independently in homes with no mortgages outstanding, so neither expected any inheritance if funds were swallowed up by housing and care costs for our mother.

Our mother’s estate has been shared equally between us, and for both it has provided a welcome but not essential nest-egg as we both approach our own retirements.

Watching the current series Inheritance Wars on Channel 5, I’m baffled by the assumption people have that they have a right to their parents’ estate.

Why do offspring assume that their parents’ estate is automatically theirs? I’ve never expected to profit from my parents demise.

I can understand if there is a historic title involved, but surely people should make provisions for their own futures, not expect to be bailed out or have their nests feathered by receiving an inheritance. The money my sister and I received was not earned by us so therefore not expected by us.

I can understand if there is a historic title involved, but surely people should make provisions for their own futures, not expect to be bailed out or have their nests feathered by receiving an inheritance

I think this is an insensitive thing to post, when most people won't be getting an inheritance and many don't own houses. You own a house. And then you got an inheritance. Stop moaning about others on top.

I do understand your point and agree. I’d love my mum to spend it all on holidays, however if I didn’t live in a 2 income household/already have a mortgage I’d probably feel different. I think it would be incredibly hard to watch my mum jet off if I was struggling to feed myself, I couldn’t be that gracious! So well done to those that are!

The main problem is that most people do not talk about finances with their families DH's parents have both passed away and as expected they left their estates firstly to the survivor and then to my DH and his siblings equally. We have recently redone our wills and at the same time I spoke to my DM about her will as I really want her to alter it as I am an only child and would much prefer her to leave her estate in equal shares to our children as financially we don't need the money. I was very surprised when she said that she had been thinking about doing this but did not want to upset me! We should all make sure that we review our affairs regularly and consider that thing like power of attorney are in place in case of incapacity as well as life cover done and placed in trust. If people took the time to do this it would avoid all the gofund me appeals that seem to pop up when something unexpected happens. Everyone should take responsibility for themselves especially when they have family to consider.

My mil has never had an easy life, never owned own home. Yet she has scrimped and saved as has about £20,000 to pass onto her adult children . That equates to about £5000 each so in reality quite a small amount.
She will eat frugally , her home should be warmer but none of her family ( the adult children ) can get through to get that they would much rather she spend her money on herself but she will never listen because she wants to leave an ' inheritance '

I'm in Scotland and both my parents (divorced) have already told us all that inheritances will be split equally. In the case of my mum, that's between four children, and in the case of my dad, it's between five. But they are both very clear that they want to be fair. When it happens and whether they will ultimately have to use it for care home fees, I don't know - they were young parents and I still have three living grandparents in their 80s. I could easily be in my 70s before any sort of inheritance would happen, and there might be nothing left by then. I don't live my life expecting to inherit - my personal finances are fine and I have an excellent pension. But I know that they intend it to come to us and in equal shares, and that's what matters.

DH's parents are English but feel the same way - FIL is very organised and has told us where all his spreadsheets are with all their valuables itemised. He'll say things like, "you'll get that clock in the long run," and show DH how to wind it up. They have two children and they're leaving everything split 50-50. It's just normal and I don't understand the MN mantra that you shouldn't expect anything. We may not get anything because every parent could end in a care home and use all their money, but that's very different from being knowingly written out of a will and passed over.

Yes, obviously people should not be rude or demanding about their expectations for inheritance. Obviously they should be gracious if their parents decide they would rather spend it.

But... life is hard these days, financially. My mortgage and bills are crippling, I have two young kids. I spend my life trying to "make provisions for myself" and still, can't envision a future where I will ever be able to afford any luxuries at all until I receive inheritance from my parents. They didn't face that level of hardship. They also get a substantial inheritance from their parents, who had it even easier. So yes, I do take a lot of comfort from knowing that that is very probably in my future. I see a kind of middle class nastiness from judging people for that feeling.

@Weefreetiffany

"Building generational wealth should be the goal of each family. It’s historically the path to security for your future offspring. I’m absolutely baffled by people who don’t set this up for their kids and grand kids, and by people who think not expecting it is somehow moral or “naice”. Maybe it’s my third generation immigrant insecurity talking, but life is expensive and money is power."

+++

I completely agree. Money passed down to me from parents generation should be invested in the next generation (education, housing, assets) to build long term generational wealth and not pissed away by me "having a good time". After all I didn't earn it, my parents or their parents did so what gives me the right to be the one to blow it.

Personally I would rather there was full inheritance tax so that each generation stood or fell on their own merits rather the social advantages and social immobility that inheritances create.

As for your "third generation immigrant security" perhaps your grandparents and parents witnessed the repetitive poverty circle first hand and were determined to try and break it. So maybe you are right but I wouldn't see it as an "insecurity" but rather an admirable quality that motivates you to do the same as your grandparents and parents did.

I'm looking forward to other threads in the same distasteful goady vein as the OP

"Money can't buy happiness" and
"Let them eat cake"

Absolutely. It's very easy to say when you've been left money.

OP, what about the more complex and emotional issues, such as favouritism of one sibling over another?

You are a beautiful person.. I imagine your Mum was too.

There is a lot in between not expecting an inheritance and being totally happy for completely unfair/coercive/scam distribution of inheritance.

I’ve told my mum to spend it on the best nursing home she can afford as she’s not bloody living with me 😂

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar good post.

DH and I are in our 70s, have a modest house and not much else. Our DC are better off than us, however unless one or both of us need care, they will inherit. Our wills are very clear. We are tenants in common, so when either DH or I die, our DC will own half of our house in trust.

Equal shares to the DC is important to us, unfairness is so hurtful. I was appalled at the first and third programmes in the series. I felt differently about the second, where the widow wanted everything, and ended up with very little.

😂🤣

Although my adult DS knows that if there's anything left he will get it, he also understands that he may not get anything if we end up in care homes. In fact only the other day his DF quipped 'you're mother is trying to spend your inheritance ' as we had been discussing buying a big ticket item. DS immediately replied "I'm not expecting one". He also isn't expecting to get a State Pension so he knows he needs to make his own wealth.

I've come across plenty who are relying on inheritance to pay for their retirement or pay off their mortgage - some of whom should have had more sense due to their professional background!

in many countries in the world complete testator freedom is not a thing in Scotland France and Spain and many others you can't disinherit your children however old they are.
In Scotland the minimum you can leave your children is a third of the moveable estate between them so if one child they get 33% if two 16.5% each three would get 11% each

You ought to say who you are replying to. Looks like me but doesn’t match what I’ve said

Last surviving grandparent fell out with me and my sibling (I was low contact for various reasons, though sibling wasn't). Grandparent left all the money to Guide Dogs. Though the money would have been useful (and a bulwark against poverty, which I can see looming in the next 3 years), I have to smile (slightly wryly) when I see a dog being trained or in service.

It could have been worse. She could have donated it all the the Cons. She was a big fan of Maggie. Though both GParents's were racist, so I think Rishi might have been a step too far.

Our DDad had died young, and mum (she didn't want their money) had strong views that 'their' money was accumulated family money and should have been given to us grandchildren, as that is what dad would have done if he's have lived to inherit.

Anyway, the doggies got it🐶🐕 and listening to this I felt very glad that the money has done some good.

9.34 https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000zdb0

https://www.guidedogs.org.uk/blog/guide-dog-owner-becomes-englands-first-female-fitness-instructor-with-sight

The other gran didn't have two pennies to rub together. Before she moved into sheltered housing, her house was cleared by house clearance. I feel a bit sad I never got to 'inherit' any personal items - just daft stuff like spoons, cooking things, the clothes drying thing you haul up to the ceiling on ropes. That would have meant more than any cash, having a few bits to remember her by when I'm stirring the gravy.

I haven't planned my life around inheritance, can support myself with my own career and pensions, and never even thought about inheritance at all until my 40s (always told parents to spend it on themselves). However, after my DF died, we've helped DM with her finances and her estate planning and I know exactly what to expect. All the children are also executors of the will and have LPAs in place, so we have to talk about this stuff. So at this point it would be silly not to factor inheritance in to my (very long term) future plans - I hope DM is around for many years but knowing that I'm likely to inherit something in 20-30 years' time means e.g. topping up pensions is lower priority now.

What I think is weird is how many families don't seem to have thought/talked about it at all.

This happened in our family.

In the distant past, a married couple had two children. One child grew up to have two babies, the other child grew up to find they had fertility issues so adopt two babies.

The original married couple grew old with two devoted children and four beautiful grandchildren.

Their will stated that any inheritance from them was to only go to the child who had "natural" children. Nothing was to go to the family who adopted.

They kept this will secret until they passed away.

It was unbelievably hurtful to the family that adopted. What was more hurtful was that the sibling who didn't adopt their babies because they were able to have "natural" babies kept everything without blinking.
It wasn't about the money it was the message. To think these grandchildren weren't loved because they were adopted is unbearably hurtful. The sibling keeping everything was yet another kick in the gut.

If my parents end up leaving everything to a random charity, I'd feel unloved. It's just the way it is.

Well, I suppose I expected it. It’s what the majority of normal families with normal parent/child relationships do, right? It’s not as if I spent all my time thinking about it or danced on their graves!

The invite to a child’s wedding is a perfect example. They don’t have to invite you but you would legitimately feel extremely hurt if rhey didn’t. Perhaps you’re confusing some concepts? Let me spell them out:

Expecting to inherit is not in any way wishing your parents dead.
Expecting to inherit what’s left is not in any way wanting your parents to spend less while alive and conserve it for you.

But in a normal family, if there is expected to be some money in the estate, then most children have a reasonable expectation of inheriting some of it. This isn’t grabby, it’s a practical understanding of probable events and that our parents love us. In many cases it’s a practical understanding of extremely probable and almost certain events based on explicit conversations with parents and viewing of wills. I doubt you were shocked that your parents left you something. You had an expectation.

Haha brilliant!

That's the spirit 🤭.