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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

327 replies

Daisiesonthelawn · 02/10/2023 10:22

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 02/10/2023 16:15

I like to be able to invite friends or family round at short notice. To accommodate this I make sure there is always at least one large pre/batch cooked meal in the freezer, a large lasagne or cottage pie for example, so I can invite away and just bung something in the oven, maybe pick up a garlic bread or steam some veg. The crucial thing is I like to do it so I make sure I'm prepared for it, I don't expect DH to even if it's his day off.
If he keeps forgetting to tell you, I'd suggest he do the same and batch cook some large family meals that you can just pop in the oven next time he forgets to tell you.

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 16:21

GladioliandSweetPeas · 02/10/2023 16:08

@Antst Reported for ableism. ADHD and Autism are very real conditions recognised by & treated by the NHS. My relative has their life plagued by Autism and struggles every day. How fucking dare you

I can’t see why the post is ableist to be honest. The poster isn’t saying that ADHD doesn’t exist - it clearly does and as you say is recognised by the NHS. What she seems to be saying is that many people are claiming to have it, to explain away their various inadequacies. Which in my experience, people who genuinely have this kind of condition, generally don’t do.

Cornflakes44 · 02/10/2023 16:26

Trainplan · 02/10/2023 12:55

Could you tell MIL what you've said here. You love having them but DH is rubbish at telling you so would she mind making arrangements directly with you?

Don't do this. This lets him out of it all together. Stop making his life easier at the detriment of your own.

Grumpy101 · 02/10/2023 16:31

So don't fucking do it. You're a grown woman. Either do it, which sends the message that it's no problem. Or don't do it, because it is a problem.

Personally, I wouldn't be too bothered. I'd make a big stew or rice which I'd make for my family anyway. I don't mind last minute guests and in my family that's normal BUT NO ONE EXPECTS ANYTHING SPECIAL. We drop by each other's houses fully expecting an average dinner or takeaway. The point is to be together, not for the woman of the house to be some kind of domestic servant to everyone's dietary wishes and needs. And we reciprocate, all the time.

M4J4 · 02/10/2023 16:39

GladioliandSweetPeas · 02/10/2023 16:08

@Antst Reported for ableism. ADHD and Autism are very real conditions recognised by & treated by the NHS. My relative has their life plagued by Autism and struggles every day. How fucking dare you

Posts don't get deleted because you disagree with them Hmm

Adding 'how fucking dare you' doesn't make you any more right.

Antst · 02/10/2023 16:43

GladioliandSweetPeas · 02/10/2023 16:08

@Antst Reported for ableism. ADHD and Autism are very real conditions recognised by & treated by the NHS. My relative has their life plagued by Autism and struggles every day. How fucking dare you

@GladioliandSweetPeas, I didn't say they're not. Please choose someone else to use to play the victim.

Antst · 02/10/2023 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Antst · 02/10/2023 16:58

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 16:21

I can’t see why the post is ableist to be honest. The poster isn’t saying that ADHD doesn’t exist - it clearly does and as you say is recognised by the NHS. What she seems to be saying is that many people are claiming to have it, to explain away their various inadequacies. Which in my experience, people who genuinely have this kind of condition, generally don’t do.

Show quote history

@Rosscameasdoody, thank you, you said it better than I did. That's exactly right and it's a point that several people who actually do have ADHD have demonstrated on this thread. They're all about figuring out how to overcome the challenge and suggesting strategies for the OP to pass along to her husband. The fire and brimstone people will be the ones I'm talking about.

whatchulookinatwillis · 02/10/2023 17:12

If they're coming tomorrow, then tonight your DH can go to the supermarket, get suitable food, prep it all ready for tomorrow (for example make a lasagna that you can just chuck in the oven).

He can then clean the whole house, if he's up until 2am doing that, that's in him and it might remind him to give some warning next time.

Tomorrow, you just get home at whatever time you had planned, if the in-laws are sat on the doorstep so be it (it'd be kind to drop them a line saying you won't be home until X), chuck the lasagne or whatever DH makes tonight in the oven and you're done.

But the next time he does it, just say "no, that doesn't work for me" and stand over him whilst he calls his DPs and rearranges for a time when he can host.

BodegaSushi · 02/10/2023 17:45

pam290358 · 02/10/2023 15:59

Interesting. What you seem to be saying is that if you have ADHD it’s fine to be a selfish arse ? My DH has ADHD and after his divorce he lived alone for a long time, which meant he could please himself what he did and when. So when we first lived together he would make arrangements for friends to visit, or for us to go out with other couples, and not check with me first - not that he didn’t tell me about it, just that he’d been so used to his own autonomy that he didn’t think to involve me before he committed us to arrangements. I ended up feeling like my home was not my own because there always seemed to be people visiting - mostly his friends.

I said nothing for a little while, whilst I thought about how to handle it - until the day I overheard him on the phone to his adult son, who was staying with his mum (DH’s ex) at the time. They’d had a row and he was complaining to DH about the way she was treating him. DH’s end of the conversation went something like “well if you’re having a hard time, just pack your bags and come here, you can stay ‘til you’re sorted out”. That was the last straw. My elderly mum lives with us - she has dementia. We have no spare room and his son would have had to sleep on the couch. It would have been chaos. I sat him down and explained how inconsiderate he was being and how he was making me feel. He understood immediately and apologised - problem solved. Nothing to do with his ADHD diagnosis, just inconsiderate.

Show quote history

How the hell did you get that from my multiple posts saying ‘don’t believe everything you read on the internet’ and ‘people often make up posts on hot topics to get froth going’. I’m saying something very simple (that MN doesn’t like you to say) and you’ve written a whole essay about something else.

MeridianB · 02/10/2023 19:37

Please don’t be downtrodden by him and his family.

Just cancel. Ignore any fuss and drama. And ask your ILs to kindly double check dates in the future because you’d love to see them.

Findinganewme · 02/10/2023 19:58

The wording of your post suggests that you have a good equation with your in laws, so why don’t they reach out to to directly in future, especially given that you are doing the cooking. Moreover, surely they would (or at least should) understand that you have a baby and actually, they should bring the food to you!

BrucieBru · 02/10/2023 20:38

I’d tell him I had plans that I’d “forgotten” to tell him about and piss off out for the day!

Scottsy200 · 02/10/2023 20:46

Why are they coming for dinner if he’s not even goi g to be home, I’d be telling him that it won’t be happening again

Coffeepot72 · 02/10/2023 20:52

Scottsy200 · 02/10/2023 20:46

Why are they coming for dinner if he’s not even goi g to be home, I’d be telling him that it won’t be happening again

Indeed!

Inertia · 02/10/2023 21:00

Well @Daisiesonthelawn , if you don’t change the way you respond then nothing will change and you’ve got a lifetime of this shit ahead.

AnneElliott · 02/10/2023 21:11

Natural consequences is the only thing that works. My H had to be late for several events on his families side (with MIL going mad) before he took responsibility for stuff going on in his family - I no longer facilitate it. Once MIL gets nagging at him it seems to have more of an effect.

OhYeahOhYeah · 02/10/2023 21:23

At this point, I think I’d just make my own plans and go out. Can’t be dealing with tricky out laws, getting the hump!

OhYeahOhYeah · 02/10/2023 21:24

This! In laws and no son in sight? Nope. They are your family, not mine

ohdamnitjanet · 02/10/2023 21:42

DsTTy · 02/10/2023 13:02

ADHDer here. If my husband did this to me I’d be texting the in-laws and cancelling the plans. Your in laws feelings aren’t more important than your own and your current behaviour isn’t helping your husband to change.

This. I’d cancel with mil straightaway, who care if she’s upset? Not your dh or he wouldn’t put you both in this position, I’d cancel every single time, rinse and repeat….until he pulled his finger out of his arse, got the hint, and shopped and cooked himself.

Codlingmoths · 02/10/2023 21:44

The awkwardness is why you just absent yourself rather than everyone shitty and blaming you. If you aren’t there it will be more obvious it’s not you!

Isthisit22 · 02/10/2023 21:54

Daisiesonthelawn · 02/10/2023 12:39

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Ive made very clear with my husband that this isn’t okay to do. (Multiple times). We’re definitely still working on understanding in this area.

I see where everyone is coming from with the idea of just stepping back and letting him do it all/going out with the baby. For whatever reason that I probably need to work on, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I think because it actually will ultimately end up being more inconvenient. But I get that it would probably be a beneficial reaction to set a standard in the future.

I’ve let my MIL know that this was sprung on me and that it’s made my day quite tricky. But I know how it comes across to my in-laws - that I’m now being awkward. I can tell they’re now annoyed that I’ve made it into “a problem”. I hate this narrative that builds around this !!!!! It’s not the first time this has happened. And it ends up with me annoyed, my husband not getting it and being annoyed with me for being annoyed, me trying to express it gently to my in-laws and me not looking easy-going and hospitable.

Edited

But why on earth are you being such a doormat?
He gets to arrange for you to cook for his family. He doesn’t even have to bother being there.
Then he gets to be annoyed with you when you (completely correctly) are annoyed by this. He gets to make you the bad guy to his family.
This happens repeatedly.
It sounds like he’s setting you up to fail.
Time to make a stand and go out. It may seeM inconvenient but if it breaks this nasty little cycle then it will be worth it.
But tbh it sounds like more of a problem if your husband wants to get annoyed with you and you are ‘uncomfortable’ standing up to him. Maybe think more deeply why this is.

OhYeahOhYeah · 02/10/2023 22:12

pam290358 · 02/10/2023 13:30

OP could you talk to his mum and explain that when they make arrangements with him they need to check in with you at the same time to make sure you’re aware, as he keeps leaving it to the last minute to tell you ? Tell her you’re afraid that one day he’ll forget altogether and the cupboard will be bare !!

This then makes it an OP problem though, not a DH problem. It will probably then always fall to OP to organise stuff. Which defeats the point as he will never amend his behaviour 😊

Candidd · 03/10/2023 02:14

While I don't think ADHD should be used as an excuse, i think you should let him know how you feel.

And for each time he 'forgets', to let you know we'll ahead, then just order takeouts for dinner for everyone (and he pays)
It's the time spent with family that matters. The family members can always bring a cooked dish if they wish as well

Muddywalks34 · 03/10/2023 08:58

My husband regularly does this, he’s often away during the week, stupidly busy and just genuinely forgets. Often times his parents will come when he’s not even going to be home, but they are my family too and come to see me and ours kids as much as they do him. Simple solution is my MIL will just call or message me and say I have spoken to we have suggested visiting Friday is that ok with you. I have been caught out a couple of times years ago and simple solution was to head to the pub or grab some fish and chips. I doubt his parents are expecting much other than to see you