Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

327 replies

Daisiesonthelawn · 02/10/2023 10:22

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

OP posts:
Singleandfab · 03/10/2023 10:49

I just missed my appointment to start the process to hopefully get an ADHD diagnosis - because I got distracted!

I am sitting here in the Doctor’s waiting room with the front door unlocked because I couldn’t find my keys. Feeling genuinely very anxious.

It is genuinely debilitating/not some sort of made up ‘excuse’ but I think you need to try to communicate better with your DH - maybe have an old-fashioned calendar by the front door so he puts anything on it as he comes/goes and asks you at the same time?

I agree he should be asking you whether okay and not telling you, maybe ‘Is it okay if…’ Then goes back to HIS family with a ‘yes!’ or ‘no!’. Not an assumption they can always come whenever they like.

Nobody’s perfect and we all need to forgive ourselves and each other for making mistakes but it is hard when you’ve already tried to bring it up with him. I wouldn’t suggest retaliation - more just an explanation as to how stressed it makes you. Big hugs! Xx

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 10:56

Daisiesonthelawn · 02/10/2023 13:13

No nursery aged. My niece is school aged though.

I have 'forgotten' to tell him that I already had plans for that day, so very sorry, but I won't be there.

How organised does he have to be at work? What strategies does he use to help?

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2023 11:22

UndercoverCop · 02/10/2023 16:15

I like to be able to invite friends or family round at short notice. To accommodate this I make sure there is always at least one large pre/batch cooked meal in the freezer, a large lasagne or cottage pie for example, so I can invite away and just bung something in the oven, maybe pick up a garlic bread or steam some veg. The crucial thing is I like to do it so I make sure I'm prepared for it, I don't expect DH to even if it's his day off.
If he keeps forgetting to tell you, I'd suggest he do the same and batch cook some large family meals that you can just pop in the oven next time he forgets to tell you.

That he can pop in the oven!

otherwise, still putting on the OP without consultation.

If he's not going to be there then it doesn't happen!

Codlingmoths · 03/10/2023 11:36

If you’re not going to be out, then you have an absolute blanket requirement that late notice guests get takeout, and husband ensures finances allow for this. How dare he object to take out for a dinner he sprung on you and he won’t be there to help one single bit with? The disorganisation and lack of consideration are two things, but this is a layer of asshole on top of those.

Doone22 · 03/10/2023 12:29

If this is his habit I'd get one of my own by being out whenever this is arranged

Katy123456 · 03/10/2023 12:59

You can be annoyed about this time and say sorry you've got plans he will need to cancel with his family, but you will need a plan for how to stop this happening. Family calendar, or check in every day or two about the week, or get his family to message you to confirm whenever they are coming and who is attending

Bertiesmum3 · 03/10/2023 15:03

Put a stew in the slow cooker or really low in an oven!
it will cook itself all day and buy a couple fresh baked baguettes from the local bakery…….job done!!!

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/10/2023 15:13

Bertiesmum3 · 03/10/2023 15:03

Put a stew in the slow cooker or really low in an oven!
it will cook itself all day and buy a couple fresh baked baguettes from the local bakery…….job done!!!

The point is she already has a meal plan, no need to go to the local bakery, and a baby to take care of. She doesn’t need to chop vegetables for a stew to accommodate her husband’s forgetfulness and do an additional shopping trip.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2023 15:23

Bertiesmum3 · 03/10/2023 15:03

Put a stew in the slow cooker or really low in an oven!
it will cook itself all day and buy a couple fresh baked baguettes from the local bakery…….job done!!!

Presume this marvellous advice is for the husband?

Creamteasandbumblebees · 03/10/2023 18:13

Set up a family WhatsApp group and tell your husband and in laws that all arrangements need to be made on the group chat so that everyone is clear about timings etc.
Tell your husband if he doesn't adhere to that one rule then the arrangements are on him and you will be taking the kids out for dinner.

helenatroy · 03/10/2023 18:16

I’d do a simple pasta dish but insist that husband is there to help. Otherwise he should organise a takeaway (who doesn’t enjoy a takeaway?).

Snkt · 03/10/2023 18:24

Maybe he should tell his family to call and arrange with you when they want to come for dinner as he’s unsure of your schedule? And that way you can coordinate with them what works for you!

He can also suggest that they help with dinner/ make dinner? if there’s a meal his family makes that you like you can literally ring and say “ I would love if you made this I love it” or if you are busy just get takeaway and say “sorry busy day so we are having xx for dinner”. If it’s midweek they have to work with what works for you

Gothambutnotahamster · 03/10/2023 18:35

Passerillage · 02/10/2023 13:15

@Daisiesonthelawn From your followup it sounds like you might have put it to your mother in law in a way which takes a share of the blame for yourself like "I'm so sorry but your son forgot to tell me, so I will be putting something together quickly, I hope that's okay" etc. etc. but I would definitely be inclined to phrase in a way that makes it crystal clear that this is between her and him, not you:

"Hi MIL, I think DH has asked you over tomorrow with DN? Unfortunately he will still be at work then though, so it doesn't work. He must have forgotten. Anyway, loooking forward to seeing you with the kids on Saturday. What time should we be there?" (or whatever.

Fully shut down any invitation that YOU didn't extend as a mistake that he has made. You don't have to pick up the slack from this repeated, lazy mistake, any more than you would if he did it at work.

It also doesn't actually matter if she doesn't think you're massively easy going, does it?

Absolutely this. Stop facilitating him treating you like a skivvy / walkover / enabler of his shit behaviour. Stop it now or this will be your life forever (or until you dump the feckless man!)

IloveLemurs · 03/10/2023 18:35

I’d suggest he cook and maybe he’d like to ask the in-laws to bring the pudding.

MrsRaspberry · 03/10/2023 18:44

So he's invited them for dinner even though he's not even going to be there? It's his family you'd think he would want to be there and arrange a family meal for a time that he's available too. Tell him he can either cancel it or come home earlier to help and actually be there too rather than put it all on you to host them

NumberTheory · 03/10/2023 18:45

Ive made very clear with my husband that this isn’t okay to do. (Multiple times). We’re definitely still working on understanding in this area.

No one in your household is working on understanding this. It’s not complicated. He understands that you’ve said you don’t want him to do it. He’s ignoring what you’re saying because your actions indicate he can get away with continuing to do as he pleases. He gets all the good feeling from his family for inviting them round, have you do all the work, not even have to be there to talk to them. He just has to put up with you being annoyed with him after - which he then punishes you for.

DinnaeFashYersel · 03/10/2023 18:45

He cooks or gets a takeaway

If you continue to cook you are accepting and enabling this.

FictionalCharacter · 03/10/2023 18:54

This can’t be excused by adhd. Inviting them for a meal when he won’t even be there is a ridiculous thing to do.

Don’t worry about looking awkward to your mil. It’s completely unreasonable of him to do this. Especially when you have a young baby.

Newestname002 · 03/10/2023 18:58

@Daisiesonthelawn

OP until you break this pattern where your husband continually puts you in this position, then has a go at you, nothing really will change.

Let the situation be tricky because you've properly, clearly pushed back and let there be arguments until he "gets it". And yes give his parents the heads up that nothing's going to happen this time and why. Let them think you difficult if that's what it takes to get out of the middle of this recurring nonsense and they all start treating you as an equal with an equal say in decisions which affect you. 🌹

Angrywife · 03/10/2023 19:04

I'd be forgetting to tell him I'm going out for tea with the kids!

Shinyandnew1 · 03/10/2023 19:06

He doesn’t see the problem

Sorry, but WTF?!

He IS the bloody problem!

Shortpoet · 03/10/2023 19:17

I’ve just thought how to deal with it.

When they arrive have your coat and shoes already on.

”Thank you so much for babysitting. I’m so looking forward to this night out. Takeaway menus are on the table. Order what you like DH will pay you back when he gets home. Help yourself to drinks. Don’t wait up!”

Only works if you’re not bf. But maybe keep it in the bag for next time.

speakout · 03/10/2023 19:18

Threads like this make me sad, in some ways women have moved towards a more equal place in society, but in many ways we are behaving and thinking like a 1950s housewife.

The OP by her own admission tells us of the "expectation" that lands with her.

It really doesn't. People can expect what they like from us, it doesn't mean we have to agree.

I wonder if the situation was reversed and it was her parents visiting.
Would her OH be fretting while planning meals, shopping, menu planning?

I suspect not.

The situation is very simple. OH invites his parents- he then plans and cooks a meal. Easy peasy.

Bellyblueboy · 03/10/2023 19:26

so your selfish husband offers your services to his mother to cook you dinner and thinks that is okay?

why would it ever be okay?

would you suggest your mum comes to dinner when you are not home and just expect your husband to provide her with a meal?

then he forgets to tell you?

ADHD is no excuse for this level of selfish and entitled behaviour.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/10/2023 19:33

Bertiesmum3 · 03/10/2023 15:03

Put a stew in the slow cooker or really low in an oven!
it will cook itself all day and buy a couple fresh baked baguettes from the local bakery…….job done!!!

Point missed entirely. Unless this us meant for her DH. This is just enabling him to carry on doing what he’s doing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread