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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

327 replies

Daisiesonthelawn · 02/10/2023 10:22

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 04/10/2023 03:42

FictionalCharacter · 04/10/2023 01:05

I’m still reeling that this man invites his family over for his wife to cook for them WHEN HE ISN’T EVEN GOING TO BE THERE.
He’s using her as a service to entertain them when he isn’t even in the house.
He didn’t even tell her that he’d invited the niece. She worked that out for herself.
And she has a young baby.
This is staggeringly disrespectful and utterly bizarre. I just can’t imagine what goes through the mind of someone who does that. If it was a mistake and he meant to invite her when he was there, he’d surely be mortified, cancel and apologise to everyone. But inviting guests without consulting your spouse first isn’t on anyway, let alone without even telling them.
I’m also reeling at all the “helpful” suggestions to the OP like getting a takeaway or getting MIL to warn her that “D”H has issued one of his kind invitations, so that she can prepare to entertain them (alone) like a good obedient servant. It’s as though his behaviour is just to be accepted and OP needs to find ways to work round it, being kind to everyone, keeping everyone sweet and inconveniencing no-one but herself.
I absolutely despair at how some women believe this that this kind of thing should be tolerated and we should make the best of it.

If he's not even going to be there, all she has to do is prepare a dinner of beans on toast for herself and the children, plonk them in the bath afterwards, get herself into her pajamas, slippers, and a fluffy dressing gown, and when the family comes a-knocking, act completely baffled.

SunRainStorm · 04/10/2023 04:47

Fuck the lot of them.

Tell them DH forgot to tell you, so it's going to have to be moved to another day.

Why would he invite them when he's not even going to be there? That's so odd.

Marthachanged · 04/10/2023 06:02

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Cosyblankets · 04/10/2023 06:50

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Maybe she's cooking

LovelyIssues · 04/10/2023 07:13

I'd be suggesting takeaway or that you all eat together when he's home and he either cooks or helps as it's his family.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/10/2023 07:52

Are you coming back, @Daisiesonthelawn ?!

Id be texting his mum and saying, ‘that darling son of yours what’s arranged for you to come round and me to cook for you tomorrow when he won’t even be there! Sorry, things are manic at the moment with work-can we reschedule for when he is there?’

Skodacool · 04/10/2023 07:57

OP, if you’re not prepared to change your response to this situation then it will continue to be a problem. A whole heap of advice is being offered; take it.

sofaprincess · 04/10/2023 08:01

OP has been told by literally hundreds of people to basically grow a spine and make life difficult to stop it happening, but she has been clear that she loves seeing them and just wants to know when they’re coming.

So unlike most people, I was offering up a solution that might actually help!

Ilovesunshine22 · 04/10/2023 08:07

I would wait untill they got to you and act surprise and say what are you all doing here i wasn't expecting you 😂

Bellyblueboy · 04/10/2023 08:14

SunRainStorm · 04/10/2023 04:47

Fuck the lot of them.

Tell them DH forgot to tell you, so it's going to have to be moved to another day.

Why would he invite them when he's not even going to be there? That's so odd.

It’s playing the big man. His mum will have said she would love to see the kids - billy big balls says go round tomorrow, I’ll be out but doormat will cook for you. Don’t you worry, I am the man of the house and I have it all sorted.

then he forgets he has made such a generous gesture. The forgetfulness could possibly be adhd, but the selfish offer of someone else’s time is all him.

Zanatdy · 04/10/2023 08:16

He would see the problem if he was cooking. I’d be telling him if he’s inviting he can cook. If he can’t cook then he pays for a takeout

M4J4 · 04/10/2023 08:16

Sounds like OP has vented here and gone back to the status quo of being her husband and in-laws’ doormat.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 04/10/2023 08:42

Aussiemade · 04/10/2023 01:38

Just make it next week, tell him there is not enough notice. also with baby wow. Don’t try an be a super woman it’s too much, he can’t throw that on you its not fair. I would say get him to do the shopping but that can be tricky also make a own join choice dinner like smorgasbord then picky eater is now not your problem . Do 3 different dishes salad in the middle. In Aus we would buy couple roasted chickens buy potatoe salad from coles and ordinary salad and whole sourdough bread on a timber board they can cut it themselves looks decortive too
all you have to do is make a salad. Dinner done. Then tell hubby no jollies for a week 😂

“All you have to do”. She doesn’t have to do any of it! Not buy roasted chickens, not buy potato salad and bread, not make a salad, not lay things out to look decorative, not threaten her husband with a transactional sex strike. Jesus wept.

pam290358 · 04/10/2023 08:48

BodegaSushi · 02/10/2023 17:45

How the hell did you get that from my multiple posts saying ‘don’t believe everything you read on the internet’ and ‘people often make up posts on hot topics to get froth going’. I’m saying something very simple (that MN doesn’t like you to say) and you’ve written a whole essay about something else.

Show quote history

Or a lot of posts are made where ND is centred in a story about selfishness and entitlement. It's almost like people like to invent posts just to get a froth going about a current 'hot topic'.

You specifically linked it to ND and mentioned you have ADHD yourself. I admit that my post was a bit long winded but how is it about ‘something else’ ? I was pointing out that because of the nature of the condition, these situations often do arise but that ADHD is not a reason for tolerating repeatedly inconsiderate behaviour from your partner.

ilikemethewayiam · 04/10/2023 08:49

Does he ‘forget’ to get himself up for work every morning or do any of the things he loves doing? Does he function at work by remembering meetings and tasks? He’s taking the p*ss. Stop going along with this. Tell him from now on if he does this, he will be doing the cooking and accommodating. Arrange to be somewhere else.

thenovice · 04/10/2023 08:58

Make normal meal for your family. When they turn up, be very surprised and then suggest they order a take away. Explain that DH doesn't remember to tell you when he makes arrangements, so in future if they should let you know well in advance that they are coming over.

pam290358 · 04/10/2023 09:00

M4J4 · 04/10/2023 08:16

Sounds like OP has vented here and gone back to the status quo of being her husband and in-laws’ doormat.

My partner has ADHD and it can sometimes be challenging. I do think it’s important to point out that although ADHD isn’t an excuse for inconsiderate behaviour, it is the reason it can happen. Impulsivity and failure to consider the consequences of actions are all part of the condition - it is a deficit. I don’t think the OP is being a doormat - I think it’s more that she hasn’t realised that the solution doesn’t lie with her, but her DH. And that’s what a lot of the replies here are failing to appreciate. It’s not just a matter of telling him that something is causing you a problem and expecting him to stop. It’s finding a way to make him see the problem and recognise the solution.

Dulra · 04/10/2023 09:01

Mum is this you? 😂Sorry couldn't resist my dad does this to my mum all the time. I would have killed him long ago

BodegaSushi · 04/10/2023 09:33

pam290358 · 04/10/2023 08:48

Or a lot of posts are made where ND is centred in a story about selfishness and entitlement. It's almost like people like to invent posts just to get a froth going about a current 'hot topic'.

You specifically linked it to ND and mentioned you have ADHD yourself. I admit that my post was a bit long winded but how is it about ‘something else’ ? I was pointing out that because of the nature of the condition, these situations often do arise but that ADHD is not a reason for tolerating repeatedly inconsiderate behaviour from your partner.

Show quote history

Oh god this is so tedious i’ll help you out here. ‘Invent posts’ is the phrase you’re looking for here. THAT’S the ‘something else’.

I’m not saying that ADHD should be tolerated and there aren’t real life examples of it being used an an excuse. I’m saying that SOMETIMES, posts on MN are invented. To encourage more people to hate on certain conditions/increase traffic.

Just like posts are created about imaginary evil Mothers-In-Law. I’m not saying they don’t exist, I’m saying a lot of the posts are fake. I cannot say it any more clearly.

Marthachanged · 04/10/2023 10:32

@BodegaSushi I agree with you. IMHO nearly all posts are exaggerated or modified in some way. Mostly it's harmless, like age or location.
Others are weird.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/10/2023 11:15

No no no no no.

He needs to ask as a politeness issue if it's ok to invite ANYONE over it's your home too.

Then if he wants you to prep the meal he needs to ask you if you have time and if you don't he can decide if he still wants to invite and do the meal himself or if he wants to postpone. Anything else is disrespectful.

You need to spell it out EXTREMELY clearly that his habit is not on and what you will do next time and stick to these boundaries - even if you worry this will make you look like a 'bad wife' to the in laws it's on him and his problem not yours

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/10/2023 11:16

Ponoka7 · 02/10/2023 11:04

You need to be communicating directly with his Mum. I'd facilitate this time, but tell her face to face why it can't be done through him.

Oh gosh no I wouldn't want to start that

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/10/2023 11:16

ScribblingPixie · 02/10/2023 11:05

I'd just ask MIL to text you when she makes arrangements with your DH to visit, so you always have all the details.

So women do all the life admin for a useless man instead of him making the effort himself? How does he manage at work does he have a team of female PAs there too?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/10/2023 11:25

TomatoSandwiches · 02/10/2023 12:33

In our neurodivergent household we don't make plans without checking in with each other.
It's not his ADHD, he just lacks respect for you and your time op.

Edited

That's just basic respect isn't it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/10/2023 11:27

Daisiesonthelawn · 02/10/2023 12:39

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Ive made very clear with my husband that this isn’t okay to do. (Multiple times). We’re definitely still working on understanding in this area.

I see where everyone is coming from with the idea of just stepping back and letting him do it all/going out with the baby. For whatever reason that I probably need to work on, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I think because it actually will ultimately end up being more inconvenient. But I get that it would probably be a beneficial reaction to set a standard in the future.

I’ve let my MIL know that this was sprung on me and that it’s made my day quite tricky. But I know how it comes across to my in-laws - that I’m now being awkward. I can tell they’re now annoyed that I’ve made it into “a problem”. I hate this narrative that builds around this !!!!! It’s not the first time this has happened. And it ends up with me annoyed, my husband not getting it and being annoyed with me for being annoyed, me trying to express it gently to my in-laws and me not looking easy-going and hospitable.

Edited

Your last sentence here - 'me not looking easy going' this is what you have to be willing to let go of and be willing to set boundaries, otherwise you will become resentful angry hate your husband your sex life will go downhill and one of you will have an affair and you'll break up and not know why. Not even exaggerating.

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