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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband family coming over for dinner but he forgets(?) to tell me in advance!

327 replies

Daisiesonthelawn · 02/10/2023 10:22

My husband keeps doing this thing where he will tell me the day before that he spoke to his mum and a couple of days ago and they’re coming around for dinner tomorrow and expecting to eat with the children. Expectation is that I will cook for them all. My youngest is a baby a few months old as and I like to plan ahead so finding out I need to change dinner plans the night before to accommodate is really annoying! He also just let me know (not directly told me but I worked it out) this morning that our niece is coming too who’s a really picky eater. He doesn’t see the problem and it wouldn’t be if he was the one cooking and planning. He’s not even going to be back from work til after they’ve eaten!
he doesn’t mean to not tell me- he’s just very forgetful and has ADHD. But it’s so infuriating. I will need to get home earlier than planned this afternoon to make dinner, get extra groceries etc. I genuinely do love seeing them. But everyone expecting dinner etc at short notice is more tricky when I have a little baby to look after. I just want some forewarning and maybe be included in planning?!

OP posts:
Julimia · 03/10/2023 19:36

Not a lot of team players on here are there? ......just saying!

Rosscameasdoody · 03/10/2023 19:38

Singleandfab · 03/10/2023 10:49

I just missed my appointment to start the process to hopefully get an ADHD diagnosis - because I got distracted!

I am sitting here in the Doctor’s waiting room with the front door unlocked because I couldn’t find my keys. Feeling genuinely very anxious.

It is genuinely debilitating/not some sort of made up ‘excuse’ but I think you need to try to communicate better with your DH - maybe have an old-fashioned calendar by the front door so he puts anything on it as he comes/goes and asks you at the same time?

I agree he should be asking you whether okay and not telling you, maybe ‘Is it okay if…’ Then goes back to HIS family with a ‘yes!’ or ‘no!’. Not an assumption they can always come whenever they like.

Nobody’s perfect and we all need to forgive ourselves and each other for making mistakes but it is hard when you’ve already tried to bring it up with him. I wouldn’t suggest retaliation - more just an explanation as to how stressed it makes you. Big hugs! Xx

This is not a solution. It’s an excuse. He’s not making mistakes, he’s repeatedly making arrangements and not telling the op in time.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 03/10/2023 19:42

either he makes sure he is home to entertain and assist or he leaves the funds for takeaway to be ordered. Adhd aside it is totally disrespectful of you and your time to behave this way. Next time tell him you already have plans

Emiliaswrath · 03/10/2023 19:51

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 10:38

You're focusing on the wrong thing. He shouldn't be telling you at all that he has invited his family for you to cook for, he should be ASKING you if you would like to, if it suits you etc.

Exactly this!!

Bellyblueboy · 03/10/2023 19:54

Bertiesmum3 · 03/10/2023 15:03

Put a stew in the slow cooker or really low in an oven!
it will cook itself all day and buy a couple fresh baked baguettes from the local bakery…….job done!!!

Yes - be a good little wifey and fall into line.

accept that your husband will offer up you time to cook for and entertain his family without helping out, being there or even telling you!!!

sone posters on this thread see life through such a traditional eye. Men just expect women to do the women’s work and not complain. This is a selfish arse playing the big man to his family.

adhd doesn’t make you selfish or sexist!

openallday · 03/10/2023 20:01

Id accommodate one final time but make it clear that you will cancel the next time this happens

Jandob · 03/10/2023 20:06

Get some ready made bits in the freezer, or suggest they pay for a takeaway.

VeraMay · 03/10/2023 20:39

Can you speak with his family and explain that he never tells you when they are coming and ask that when they make plans with him, to let you know themselves.

If not, find a friend who doesn't mind you spending some time round their house while he sorts the meal out. Yes, I did that.

Pres11 · 03/10/2023 21:09

I would have put up with this once upon a time but I’ve learnt that if something stresses me out and it’s not planned in advance then I’m not doing it. Tell him they can’t come as you don’t have enough notice and if he doesn’t like it and insists they come over then order a takeaway. The more you just do it all for everyone, the more you will be put on.

Jom222 · 03/10/2023 21:16

I’d smile and say TERRIFIC what are you making for dinner dear?

Screamingabdabz · 03/10/2023 21:25

I’ve voted YABU becayse you’re totally enabling and colluding with this. You’re frustrated which is understandable, but you’re not prepared to assert yourself or do anything other than whine a bit on MN.

So you’ll go back to being the dutiful little domestic drone while your husband is laughing his absolute selfish arse off at how easy his life is married to a gullible try-hard.

speakout · 03/10/2023 21:27

Screamingabdabz totally agree. I am cringing inside reading OPs posts.

Whitestuanton · 03/10/2023 21:30

Speak to the In laws particularly MIL and explain what keeps happening. They know what he is like and you sound like you have a good relationship with her/them. Say what you have said here that you love seeing them but that DH keeps forgetting to let you know they are coming and the last minute or even no notice is causing stress....ask MIL if she could contact you directly to give you a heads up.

Going to add to make you smile...... at least he didn't phone you to ask at 11 am how the preparations for the dinner party for 14 people for that night were going...a dinner party that I had no idea about because DH thought he had told he but hadn't and he didn't have ADHD as an excuse either...Yes he is still alive and we are still together.....

WhiteFire · 03/10/2023 21:33

If you genuinely enjoy spending time with them, then start to make arrangements direct with them. Facilitate your children's relationship with their grandparents yourself.

On this occasion I would have made him go to the shops to get the food, but going forward just cut out the middleman.

SiennaSienna · 03/10/2023 21:36
  1. create a WhatsApp group with you, your H and your PILs so you’re involved in planning ahead of time and
  2. order takeout when it’s a short notice visit. Life is too short
BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 03/10/2023 21:40

Tell them that because your husband keeps agreeing to this without telling you, which therefore causes it to be sprung on you, that they need to confirm invitations with you. Only when you confirm it, is it an invitation. You really can’t say fairer than that when it’s not only your home too but you’re the one expected to cook.

sofaprincess · 03/10/2023 22:21

Just tell your MIL when she comes for dinner that you love having them over, but that DH is really good at forgetting to tell you he’s invited them and you are worried one day they will show up and you’ll have nothing to feed them. Then ask her to let you know when he’s invited them round so that you can be suitably prepared!

Jeannie88 · 03/10/2023 22:33

Rearrange!

M4J4 · 03/10/2023 22:46

sofaprincess · 03/10/2023 22:21

Just tell your MIL when she comes for dinner that you love having them over, but that DH is really good at forgetting to tell you he’s invited them and you are worried one day they will show up and you’ll have nothing to feed them. Then ask her to let you know when he’s invited them round so that you can be suitably prepared!

Fucking hell.

Coffeepot72 · 03/10/2023 22:56

openallday · 03/10/2023 20:01

Id accommodate one final time but make it clear that you will cancel the next time this happens

Not a chance

Cosyblankets · 03/10/2023 22:58

That's a shame they're coming round at that time love, I'm off out. I would have liked to have seen them. Do tell them I said hello. Hope to see them next time

Branwells77 · 03/10/2023 23:27

I wouldn’t be changing my plans or rushing around I would carry on as you had planned cook for yourself and your own children and when MIL and co turn up
You could say
You forgot
or
H didn’t give you enough warning and you haven’t had the time to prepare anything etc etc
I am sure DH would remember to tell you next time. Stop allowing him to take advantage of you and stop allowing him to use his ADHD as an excuse.

FictionalCharacter · 04/10/2023 01:05

I’m still reeling that this man invites his family over for his wife to cook for them WHEN HE ISN’T EVEN GOING TO BE THERE.
He’s using her as a service to entertain them when he isn’t even in the house.
He didn’t even tell her that he’d invited the niece. She worked that out for herself.
And she has a young baby.
This is staggeringly disrespectful and utterly bizarre. I just can’t imagine what goes through the mind of someone who does that. If it was a mistake and he meant to invite her when he was there, he’d surely be mortified, cancel and apologise to everyone. But inviting guests without consulting your spouse first isn’t on anyway, let alone without even telling them.
I’m also reeling at all the “helpful” suggestions to the OP like getting a takeaway or getting MIL to warn her that “D”H has issued one of his kind invitations, so that she can prepare to entertain them (alone) like a good obedient servant. It’s as though his behaviour is just to be accepted and OP needs to find ways to work round it, being kind to everyone, keeping everyone sweet and inconveniencing no-one but herself.
I absolutely despair at how some women believe this that this kind of thing should be tolerated and we should make the best of it.

Aussiemade · 04/10/2023 01:38

Just make it next week, tell him there is not enough notice. also with baby wow. Don’t try an be a super woman it’s too much, he can’t throw that on you its not fair. I would say get him to do the shopping but that can be tricky also make a own join choice dinner like smorgasbord then picky eater is now not your problem . Do 3 different dishes salad in the middle. In Aus we would buy couple roasted chickens buy potatoe salad from coles and ordinary salad and whole sourdough bread on a timber board they can cut it themselves looks decortive too
all you have to do is make a salad. Dinner done. Then tell hubby no jollies for a week 😂

Bellyblueboy · 04/10/2023 03:36

Aussiemade · 04/10/2023 01:38

Just make it next week, tell him there is not enough notice. also with baby wow. Don’t try an be a super woman it’s too much, he can’t throw that on you its not fair. I would say get him to do the shopping but that can be tricky also make a own join choice dinner like smorgasbord then picky eater is now not your problem . Do 3 different dishes salad in the middle. In Aus we would buy couple roasted chickens buy potatoe salad from coles and ordinary salad and whole sourdough bread on a timber board they can cut it themselves looks decortive too
all you have to do is make a salad. Dinner done. Then tell hubby no jollies for a week 😂

This has to be one of the oddest responses yet.

selfish sexist husband offers out his wife as a cook and entertainer to his family members without asking or telling her.

advice us to cook a meal with lots of options!

when I was last in Australia I did notice the men were men and the women were treated quite badly but this is ridiculous!!

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