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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

1000 replies

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 10:19

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 11:51

whattttttodo · 02/10/2023 11:50

Would I go, yes if I could afford it. But your friend doesn't want to and that's ok. We all have different parenting styles. If you want to do something specially with her. What about a spa day or theatre and dinner but no stop over. I'd still do something with other friends.

Btw are her kids invited to the wedding??

Yes they are

OP posts:
Firebug007 · 02/10/2023 11:52

I wouldn't go, it's not that DH couldn't look after them without me but it's not fair, we'll both do one night but not more, it's hard work all weekend by yourself and tbh I'd miss them 🤷‍♀️

SoftSheen · 02/10/2023 11:52

I wouldn't have left my children for a whole weekend at those ages (emergencies excepted). If your friend works, the weekend is both the time she sees her children and probably, the time when she and her husband get on top of all the domestic chores which are significant when you have children and which tend to build up over the week. It's not that what you're asking is impossible, but it's a much bigger ask than you currently understand. I would instead suggest a Saturday evening out, followed by one night in a UK hotel, ideally within a couple of hours of where she lives. This might feel more feasible.

Honeybee798 · 02/10/2023 11:52

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 11:48

the OP hasn't bitched about her friend.

Were you born bitchy or did you work hard to develop it?

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, I was born a bitch. I see I’m in company.

BubziOwl · 02/10/2023 11:53

@whatnot929
We're talking about a 2 year old here. Besides, yes there may well be "bigger problems" - what's your point?

FrenchandSaunders · 02/10/2023 11:53

I'm on a facebook uni group and there was a post last week from a woman who was completely distraught having dropped her 18 year old son off at uni. Sobbing for hours every day .... said they had only spent two nights apart since he was born.

Very very odd! (no special needs) .... some of the people on here need to take note.

BungleandGeorge · 02/10/2023 11:53

Yes it’s totally normal. Are you offering to pay for her? Weekends abroad with a friend are something you may want to pay out for pre- family but priorities change vastly. Many people just don’t want to or can’t afford them. Presumably she’s attending your wedding on her own? If you just want to spend some time with her perhaps offer to cover the cost of an overnight in a hotel nearby which has spa facilities? Then split the cost of a meal

M4J4 · 02/10/2023 11:53

So many women with useless husbands on this thread, that’s why mostly they can’t leave their dc. But their husbands are off on stag weekends and biking weekends.

kweeble · 02/10/2023 11:53

This isn’t the same as a joint holiday - you’re trying to control things by saying this is your hen do. She’s her own person even if that means she doesn’t want to leave her children.
She doesn’t have to give any reasons for not going - try asking her what she would like to do with you.

sunlightinthetrees · 02/10/2023 11:53

It wouldn’t be normal for me - I’d be happy to leave kids at those ages. But I don’t think your friend is unusual as I know lots of people who wouldn’t want to.

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 11:54

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 11:41

Ignore them, OP, you do sound like a good friend. They just think you should martyr yourself on the altar of her motherhood, the way they do on theirs!

Show quote history

HOW is politely declining to do something you don't want to do being a martyr exactly?

I'd much rather a friend who declines than one who would martyr herself coming when she doesn't want to, can't afford it, and will spoil the trip by clearly wishing she was elsewhere.

People being upfront and managing invitations like reasonable adults are to be applauded.

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 11:55

M4J4 · 02/10/2023 11:53

So many women with useless husbands on this thread, that’s why mostly they can’t leave their dc. But their husbands are off on stag weekends and biking weekends.

Edited

projecting a bit are we?

TeenLifeMum · 02/10/2023 11:55

I wouldn’t leave my 3yo. I’ve only started weekends away once dc started secondary. Toddlers in particular need routine and often would really struggle without mum being there if they’re used to mum being their main carer.

CherryMaDeara · 02/10/2023 11:55

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 11:54

HOW is politely declining to do something you don't want to do being a martyr exactly?

I'd much rather a friend who declines than one who would martyr herself coming when she doesn't want to, can't afford it, and will spoil the trip by clearly wishing she was elsewhere.

People being upfront and managing invitations like reasonable adults are to be applauded.

Show quote history

People aren’t being polite, they’re calling OP bitchy.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 02/10/2023 11:55

She’s telling you that she’s happy to deprioritise this friendship. Whether or not you want to wait around for her to be out of this stage is entirely up to you.

I was probably unlucky but I found that most of my friends who were like this remained like this and either never returned, or emerged blearily once the kids were teenagers and were astonished to find that their friends hadn’t wanted to hang around waiting for them for 15 years.

Sounds harsh but I don’t tend to make friends with women with young kids now.

Inkpotlover · 02/10/2023 11:56

I don't think you sound like an awful friend at all and you don't deserve the pile on. You've known her since she was eight, she's your only friend at the wedding, wanting a weekend away in lieu of a hen night is a nice extension of that. Where I think YABU, however, is not accepting her answer as full and final, and being a bit disdainful of her choices as a parent. If you have a child that doesn't settle at night, which it sounds like hers don't, it can be a nightmare going out. We had to cancel so many events because our DD would get so upset at bedtime, to the point where it just stopped being worth the effort. So the idea of going abroad for a few days may fill your friend and her DH with dread. By all means suggest one evening in the UK instead, but if she says no you need to accept that.

Original poster
Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 11:56

kweeble · 02/10/2023 11:53

This isn’t the same as a joint holiday - you’re trying to control things by saying this is your hen do. She’s her own person even if that means she doesn’t want to leave her children.
She doesn’t have to give any reasons for not going - try asking her what she would like to do with you.

Controlling because it's a hen do?

I'm trying to take all points on board here but Christ some of these are hard to not bite back at....

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 02/10/2023 11:56

have you experienced that stage yourself because I’d say that’s totally normal and is well recognised being called ‘empty nest syndrome’! It’s totally normal to feel upset when someone ceases to be around every day whether that’s through divorce, moving abroad, leaving home etc. crying is how people come to terms with things

Slowlylosingmymind101 · 02/10/2023 11:56

Mine drive me mental at times. But no I wouldn't want to leave them. Especially if they haven't done a few nights without me before.

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 11:58

CherryMaDeara · 02/10/2023 11:55

People aren’t being polite, they’re calling OP bitchy.

Show quote history

some of the OP comments WERE bitchy...

Thoughtful2355 · 02/10/2023 11:58

I wouldn't want to leave my kids, probably won't until they are atleast 10. I would for 1 night but that's all

CherryMaDeara · 02/10/2023 11:59

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 11:58

some of the OP comments WERE bitchy...

Show quote history

Which ones? Can you quote them?

Slowlylosingmymind101 · 02/10/2023 11:59

I also think it's hard to understand until you have kids yourself. It's not a swipe at you OP. I just think you just can't imagine the feeling you get until you actually have those feelings.

Londonscallingme · 02/10/2023 12:00

I would go in her situation (and be delighted about it!) but me and my OH are equal parents and I wouldn't worry about them at all being with him all weekend without me. You are not BU to ask her and I understand that it's disappointing for her to say no but it sounds like she is taking the baulk of the parental responsibility (eg. not being happy to let her husband settle the child so she can go out for dinner once in a blue moon) so unfortunately that is bound to have a knock on impact on her ability to commit to your friendship.

Can you talk to her about the fact that you feel a little disappointed and see if there is a compromise you can reach?

Snugglemonkey · 02/10/2023 12:00

I would not want to do this. I think it is a really big ask.

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