Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

Mainly because we are having a small wedding and she's my only friend that is attending other than family. So other friends I could go with wouldn't' be invited to the wedding! Was my thinking anyway. I wanted to ask her first, but if she says no then I won't feel bad asking my other friends if they'd like to.

But I've been told I'm such an awful friend on here by many posters so maybe they'll say no too!!! 🙃

🤷🏻‍♀️ My kids are genuinely my favourite people to spend time with, even though they drive me mad and my catchphrase is literally “give me a break!”

I could be apart from mine for a few days, but I prefer not to be and especially when lots of money is involved ie. Extended hen dos etc. Because it’s not just time that I could be with my husband and kids but also money that we couldn’t be spending on family stuff.

I usually try to find a compromise - I go for 1 night of the hen do for example.

Yabu. I dont want to leave my 5 year old for a hen do, even less so to travel to another county, to spend money on someone else's idea of fun.

Is she strapped for cash?

Is her DH an arse &/or unreliable?

Do either of them have weird working patterns?

Has she always been clingy about her DC?

I would suspect it's 1 or more of the above

Is the wedding a destination wedding? So she's already going to be away for a weekend at the wedding? Often people don't want to do multiple nights away for any number of reasons.

But I think the fact that she brought a 2 year old to a dinner out is a sign that this is a woman who is unable/unwilling to concede any control over her child OR that there's something way more complex going on with her DH than she and him are hiding.

If that's what happened with the dinner thing - the husband was really encouraging her to go, and it wasn't a passive-aggressive 'we'll be fine' that let her know there would be payback for it later - then that would really piss me off at the husband, who deserves the chance to build his own relationships with his children. I left mine with dh for a night or two here and there (away for work or visiting friends etc) from 2 or 3 (and vice versa, him away and me at home), and they were fine. I wouldn't have been keen to leave them with someone who wasn't dh, and I wouldn't have wanted to be away for more than a few nights, but I do think it did us all good to know that they felt happy and safe with both of us. Occasionally - particularly when I was still bf (bf first to 4.5, second to just over 3 and third to 3.5, and evenings before bed was one of the times they were still feeding at that stage) - there would be some upset, but dh handled it, as a parent should.

But - beyond the children issue - your friend doesn't owe you a weekend away; there does seem to be a problem in terms of her willingness to let her dh share in the care, but that doesn't actually have anything to do with you going away with her, and if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to. People's personal time and finances are often stretched. If I accepted a few invitations like yours (and more and more people seem to want to go away for hen nights, 'big' birthdays, etc.), I'd have no funds for a family holiday.

This is her setting a boundary. What has it 'being normal' got to do with it?

This

I personally would have no problem with leaving DD for a few days when she was two but everyone is different. However, II totally object to your attempt to classify your friends choices. Your disappointment is not an excuse for your judgment.

She doesn't want to come. And if she does come she'll be calling her husband every hour and not enjoy herself. The fact that she refused to leave her kid with her husband even if he said it was fine so you could have dinner says a lot.

Some parents are totally fine with leaving kids with their other parent and enjoy themselves. Some are not. Your friend is not one of those people. Concentrate on your other friends and occationally meet up with this friend and her kids ina kid friendly environment. She won't ve the type of friend who can have adult friendships and family life.

You’re not an awful friend at all.

But she is seemingly happy to deprioritise her friendships so I would just leave the ball in her court.

You don’t need to offer her the 1 night getaway. She has already said no to a break, you’re off the hook and can ask someone else.

It’s fine to suggest a holiday with a friend but unreasonable to be annoyed if, for any reason, they decline.

I would absolutely go but that doesn’t mean she should. I’ve travelled overnight for work and pleasure from when they were very small. I still love them and they still love me, but I do enjoy my own time and space. Longest I’ve done is a week.

It doesn’t sound like she wants to go, and so I’d find someone else to go with instead rather than giving to too much thought.

It would be a no from me at that age too

I wouldn't have left my daughter for a weekend when she was younger. I've also never been on an overseas trip without my husband in almost 50 years, apart from going to my brother's funeral in Australia with my Mum, and he had to stay at home because it was in the middle of my daughter's GCSEs.

No, bitchy is coming on Mumsnet and bitching about your friend for not wanting to leave her children. I have left mine, but I wouldn’t ever judge anyone else for not wanting to do so, nor would I want to be friends with someone who doesn’t even have children yet would judge me if I didn’t want to leave them.

Honestly OP everyone is different. I wouldn't have left my 2 year old with 'DH' for a couple of nights because he is a fairly useless 'parent' and both my kids were very attached to me at that age. I managed a few nights out a year back then. And no overnighters.
You don't know what the scenario is at home. For some people there is no point going abroad because they are so anxious it wouldn't be fun for anyone. But a suggested compromise sounds like a good plan.

I wouldn't leave my 4 and 6 year old to go abroad for 2 days. I also have an 11 year old. I may consider it if they were all the age. DH is more the capable of caring for them but I dont want to spend hundreds to go abroad without them. My nearly 7 year old has been away overnight from us twice . He doesn't like it.

I think that's a nice idea (London theatre? Cotswolds spa?), but I'd actually ask her about it before proposing anywhere.
"Would one night closer to home be any easier? Or would you just rather leave it for now while they're small?"

I do think you are coming across as a little too judgemental here, OP. But I think that's fair enough since you aren't in the world of having kids (and that's fine, it's just very hard to get a true perspective on it when you're childfree).

Please don't belittle the idea of 'owing your husband' when you want to take a two night break – working full time with two kids is not easy, and yes, marriage and parenting is about to and fro. You should offer your spouse the same kid-free social opportunities as they afford you. Flying solo with two kids after/during a full week of work can be really draining, and I wouldn't look down on someone for finding it really tough, depending on what stage of parenting they are in and how their kids are currently behaving.

You're not asking a lot of your friend to join you on a couple of dinners a year, without the kids – it's great if you guys can do that together – but at the same time, no I don't think she owes it to you in the same way that you owe her the understanding of kid-free time being difficult for her (whatever those reasons are). The child-rearing years are limited and quite often difficult – be understanding when her kids are this little (one of them is only two!) and realise that she will get more 'freedom' soon.

I do my best with my child-free friends (I love to get out the house alone with them), but it is irritating when they don't understand when you just don't have the availability and energy that would be ideal to them. After work drinks/dinner should be fun – yes – but don't forget that parents are also often contending with poor sleep, low energy and/or having to navigate parenting with a partner who might be feeling equally as crap. It isn't necessarily a reflection on your friendship or their potential to be a good friend, it's just a season of life that can be very challenging.

There's no normal but if that is how she feels then that is valid. We're all different

When you have kids, priorities change.

A few days is a long time.

It's not just time, it's money. Time and money are precious when you have little kids

Can't you have a day out/night away? Why does it have to be a few nights?

the OP hasn't bitched about her friend.

Were you born bitchy or did you work hard to develop it?

My now 16 year old DD was a very easy two year old: no problems sleeping, quite independent, toilet trained, ate anything put in front of her and a very chill personality. Which combined with my own personality, meant leaving her was not a biggie.

They just think you should martyr yourself on the altar of her motherhood, the way they do on theirs!

So it's martyring yourself to parent the way you want to parent and say no to a holiday that you don't want to go on. Instead, mothers should do things they don't want to do and think will upset their children just because a friend thinks they should. Wouldn't want to be accused of being a "mummy martyr" on mumsnet, God forbid!

Yabu. I dont want to leave my 5 year old for a hen do, even less so to travel to another county, to spend money on someone else's idea of fun.

I take it you don't have a best friend then? Also, two friends having a weekend away hardly constitutes a 'hen do' does it?

People on MN have such a weird perspective on spending time with friends . It's HEALTHY to have a life outside of your immediate family.

Would I go, yes if I could afford it. But your friend doesn't want to and that's ok. We all have different parenting styles. If you want to do something specially with her. What about a spa day or theatre and dinner but no stop over. I'd still do something with other friends.

Btw are her kids invited to the wedding??

No, it's martying to be all " I couldn't possibly leave my 7 year old with their own father, they couldn't possibly cope without me!!".

Newsflash, if they can't cope without you, you have much bigger problems than a friends hen night request.