Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

wow

anyone who would not "deprioritise their friendship" over their own children should REALLY not have a child.

I don’t tend to make friends with women with young kids now.
It doesn't seem they are missing out much

I think you’ve unfairly been spoken to by some of the more unpalatable posters on this thread. Of course asking your friend to go on a weekend away isn’t begging for crumbs of friendship ffs. I don’t even understand how MNetters maintain friendships when simply asking friends to do anything is tantamount to spitting in their face.

She is entitled to say no, of course, and people will waffle on about boundaries and putting the kids first, but in reality, you wanting a child free meal a couple of times a year and to go away for 2 nights ONCE isn’t going to damage her relationship with her children or mean she is putting them last, she’s sounds like a classic smother and that never ends with healthy parent child relationships.

Anyway, if everyone is allowed to have boundaries, you sure as shit are too. So put them in place, if a friend can’t make the “effort” to leave her children with her husband for 4 hours while you have a meal out, she’s not likely going to be there for you when you NEED her. Personally I’d be focusing on other friends who do make the effort.

Are her husband and kids invited to the wedding? I’m guessing she won’t go anyway and she seems incapable of spending a second away from them if not.

If a Mum can't get her head round leaving their children, it doesn't matter the reason, it won't be a successful weekend.

Personally, at that age, I would have been happy to leave mine with DH or grandparents. (DH & I worked nights anyway). But financially, we were in the bones of our arses. A long weekend in Paris, just wouldn't have been on my radar. Any spare money would have been family money.

@FrenchandSaunders no wonder we have so many immature and infantile late teens and 20 somethings. I do often think there is more to it though , piss poor partners, women who 'darent ask' partners, and yes money too.

I think the thread shows that there isn't a "normal" or "most mums" ....because people have different parenting styles.

I left my DC for a week each year for about 3 years starting when they were 1 and 4. DH and PIL had them and I knew they would be fine. Of course they missed me and I missed them...but I also really enjoyed being away and not "mum". DH had a couple of weekends or mid week breaks at a similar time but we rarely went away together.

I'd be annoyed if someone brought a 2 year old to a meal especially if the other parent was willing to have them (and there were no obvious reasons why they couldn't be trusted)

I wouldn´t leave mine either. Her kids her rules.

But I've been told I'm such an awful friend on here by many posters so maybe they'll say no too!!! 🙃

You are nothing of the sort and you were right in one of your previous posts that it goes both ways in a friendship. If parents want to prioritise their family time that’s fine but neglect friendships, don’t expect them to be the same when you want to pick them up again

OP the responses on this thread are not representative of my experience at all. Mums always come away on our weekends away while the dad takes care, note not “babysit”, his kids and the guys do the same - obviously not on the same weekend although it has been known. Our closest friends parents will travel to London from Scotland to look after the kids if we are having a couple weekend away. Grandparents get time with the GCs, parents get a weekend away, everyone happy

Hen/stag, birthdays, child free weddings all happen with no grief, just a bit of diary coordination. If anything it’s the parents in our circle that tend to be the first to say when can we get something in the diary

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age?

No, not in real life but this is MN where the tighter the apron strings, the better mother you are, allegedly. It's little wonder that so many children have problems when starting school, away from Mummsy.

Yes OP, for YOUR hen do, you should ask HER what SHE would like to do.

Or you're a bitch. Apparently.

Do these people hear themselves?

I didn't leave my daughter when she was young because I didn't want to, nothing to do with my husband's parenting abilities. He has never been away on a stag weekend or any other event without me, and it just wouldn't occur to either of us do go away without the other.

Lots of mothers don't want their children to cope because that implies that they, the mothers, are not as essential when their child is growing up as they like to think. It's maternal martyrdom!

So I left mine to go away for 2 nights on a hen do when they were 6 months and 4! And thoroughly enjoyed myself! But everyone is different so can imagine a lot of women wouldn’t be happy. I think it all comes down to how supportive the partner is and how much you trust him with the kids?

Everyone is different - as this post shows! I did leave my Dd around this age on 3 separate occasions (over several years) for hen weekends.

She was with her dad so hardly abandoned or left with a "minder". Of course I missed her but wasn't sitting about pining for 48hrs. Personally I think it does you good.

Bet dads wouldn't be judged for taking a 2-3 day break!

Lots of mothers don't want their children to cope because that implies that they, the mothers, are not as essential when their child is growing up as they like to think. It's maternal martyrdom!

This in buckets!!!

It's a bit odd you are happy for two young children to be upset without their mum so you can have a great time with your friend. Of course she will prioritise her dc.

But OP isn’t asking her friend to put her first over her children. Why do people keep saying this? She’s asking to see her, 2 times a year for an adult evening meal out and now go to away for 2 nights. Do you really think a maximum of 4 days over a year spending time with friends and not your children is putting friends first? If you can’t do the bare minimum for a friend to keep the friendship ticking along I think that speaks volumes about the type of friend you are.

😂yes dear, feeling better about yourself now after that little rant?

My nearly 4 year old would hate it. I was in hospital with her breastfed brother for a few nights and she was crying down the phone at me. She was very unsettled until I came back, and unsettled for a while after. I wouldn’t put her through that unless it was a real emergency and I couldn’t do anything about it.
And before anyone says anything, she goes to nursery 4 days a week and is a very sociable child. She just needs her mother, and I see nothing wrong with that.

You're going to get lots of varied replies as all parents are different.

For me, more than 1 day/night is too much with DD8 and 5. But others will say it's silly.

funnily enough she hasn't come up with any examples...

Lots of mothers don't want their children to cope because that implies that they, the mothers, are not as essential when their child is growing up as they like to think. It's maternal martyrdom!

I was going to comment on this, but actually I don't particularly care what people want to infer from me doing what's best for my children (not anyone else's, what is best for specifically my children with their specific needs and personalities). It's funny, though, how the posters whinging about people judging mothers who go away without their children (which is not even what this thread is about) are the ones who are agreeing with judgemental statements like this.

why would they be upset? No reason for them to be.

Honestly, all of you whose kids are sobbing when you're not glued to them, you need to fix that. It's not healthy.

This is a really individual thing. I know people who've been away on a couple of nights break without their kids when they're little, but I also know that personally it's not something I'd want or choose to do. The idea of being far away from my child is uncomfortable for me and I've no desire to put myself through that.

I'm aware of the amount of work that would be left to dh (we split everything 5050 normally and he'd encourage me to go) and I also know that at bedtime my ds settles better for me than dh. I know they'd survive and be fine but I just don't WANT to be away from ds for that long. I chose to become a parent, time feels short since i work during the week and only see him 2-3 hrs a day mon-fri and I enjoy being with him and don't personally feel the need to take 2-3 days annual leave and a large chunk of family budget to be away from him. My time with him is precious and the way I see it, there's a finite amount of time where he'll want to be with me before he's old enough to want to be off with mates etc. Its absolutely fine that others feel ok to head away and don't worry about these things- its a personal thing, just trying to give you my own feelings about it in the hope it helps you understand your friend better.

I think you are reasonable to ask for time 1-1 with your friend if she always has the kids there when you meet but you then need to let her guide you in what is realistic for her in the context of her responsibilities to her family. That could be a day out where she's home in time to do bedtime, or it could be a nice meal out and a few drinks after bedtime, or it could be a night somewhere local.

Money is the other thing. I've had lots of friends who have decided they wanted an abroad hen. I ended up spending roughly a grand on each of them by the time everything wedding and hen related was factored in, I was single at the time so i did it, but i wouldn't do it now because we couldn't afford it with the cost of childcare. So she's maybe not just thinking about the trip but also wanting to afford a decent wedding present etc for you or to be able to stay near your wedding. There's no problem with you suggesting it, but you can't be annoyed that she's said no.

The other thing is annual leave, she might need to be off during the summer to provide childcare when school is closed. A parent wfh isn't childcare in the summer because they are working. Maybe they're aiming for a family holiday or she's had to use a lot of her leave already to cover child sickness/ nursery closure etc etc. Having kids is a big commitment in a lot of different ways and I don't think everyone fully grasps that until they have children- I certainly didn't. So fair play to you for asking. But the best person to ask is your friend.

this is such a misrepresentation of the OP. She's just asking why it's out of the question to plan a weekend away a year in advance. She's not sitting there thinking 'mmmm, unhappy children, love that for me!'

I wouldn’t have left my kids at that age unless it was absolutely unavoidable ie hospitisation , sick relative etc . Not because I don’t trust my husband or that he wouldn’t have been willing - he would , but I just wouldn’t go on a holiday without my children .