Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

1000 replies

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 10:19

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 02/10/2023 11:33

'Hands-on mother' (as opposed to, what? Those of us who let the dog bring the bairns up?)

'When you have children, you'll understand'

We just need full-time mum and I'll have bingo.

Eloratheexplorer · 02/10/2023 11:33

Similar ages here and whilst I have left them overnight to go away with friends in the UK , I wouldn’t go abroad because I’m just super anxious about something happening whilst I was away and I wouldn’t enjoy it. I thought I was unusual there though as I know a lot of my friends with kids are happy to travel still!

Mrburnshound · 02/10/2023 11:33

Ill come to Paris with you 🤣🤣

Fwiw it can be a pain to leave young children and then you owe a weekend to your DH. However I realise I need to keep friendships alive if I want to have friends once DC are grown. I often feel a bit of a crap friend not being able to do things with childfree friends but try to meet them in the middle. I would suggest one night if i were your DF or a full all day really lovely thing.

Maxus · 02/10/2023 11:34

You are being unreasonable. I wouldn't have left my kids at 3 for such a long period of time. My kids are my priority. A one evening hen do whould be fine but I would not be fine being away from them for this length, in another country, and the cost. If I had money for a trip to Paris it would be for a family trip. People priorities change when they have kids, try to understand that.

RoseGoldEagle · 02/10/2023 11:34

Mine are 6, 4 and 2, it’s my 4 year old who struggles when I go away, which I have to sometimes for work. I wouldn’t choose to at other times- partly because of him finding it hard, partly just because at the moment I’ve no real desire to. I don’t think it’s that unusual to be honest.

Mrburnshound · 02/10/2023 11:34

It's also easier to leave DC if youre not going abroad so you can always travel back quickly in an emergency

Daddylonglegs123 · 02/10/2023 11:35

PS I didn’t get married until I was 35 and whilst I would have loved a few days aboard in the sun with a handful of very close friends. By the time i got married two of my friends had young children and one was pregnant early stages so i deliberately didn’t want to put them in a tricky position so I settled on one night away in this country. It wasn’t what I would ideally have chosen but we had a good time and I had the people who mattered with me (but in the end one of them dropped out the day before, it happens family and children when they come along come first).

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 11:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

He wouldn't cope, or you wouldn't? It's not normal for a 7 year old (without specific additional needs) to be distressed at the thought of being without his mother, and with his father, for one night.

Possibly you really need to go away for the night.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/10/2023 11:36

I don't mean this in any patronising way, but when you have children - you really end up parenting to suit the child as opposed to how you imagined!

I always prioritised my well being/friendships so had regular mini breaks, nights out, day meet up etc. For me it was reassuring to being "me" as opposed to "mother". My children are teen and pre teen now and are absolutely fine.

But I am very conscious I appear to be the exception among the school parents - most haven't left their children at all. Each to their own, the reality is you have a want the children have a need and being mum for a lot of women means that always comes first.

SoundingGood · 02/10/2023 11:36

At 2, I didn't want to leave my children overnight, so I didn't. Some parents feel fine doing it and others don't. There's no 'normal', people just feel differently about it.

You'll just have to accept it, go with someone else or similar something this friend is willing to do.

Mamai90 · 02/10/2023 11:36

I wouldn't leave mine at that age either.

I'd be happy with a night away in a nice local hotel (did this with a friend who was getting married and I didn't go to her hen abroad) but no way would I be off to Paris. I think you need to lower your expectations a little.

windmill26 · 02/10/2023 11:37

You would have gotten the same response from me. As much as I like my friends there is no one I would rather spend time away with than my husband and child.

CherryMaDeara · 02/10/2023 11:37

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

This is probably code for her husband refuses to cope with youngest.

Original poster
Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 11:37

I get being abroad and not being able to come back quickly in an emergency, so will suggest a 1 night trip somewhere we can be back within a few hours and see what she says.

OP posts:
PrinnyPree · 02/10/2023 11:38

PenhillDarkMonarch · 02/10/2023 10:31

Honestly, this could be as simple as her not yet feeling comfortable leaving them or could be a cover for something else (eg money).

Whichever, she doesn't want to go so - as her friend - your only option is to accept that and move on.

This with bells on, if she could make it work she would.

What do you want to do? Peer pressure into going? As kindly as possible just accept her no and either go with someone else or do something she can manage. Xx

Nevermind31 · 02/10/2023 11:38

It’s her choice. Also, it might be an ex it for not wanting to, for whatever reason

NeedToChangeName · 02/10/2023 11:38

At her stage, I would happily have left DC for a night or two, but I wouldn't have been keen on Paris (expensive), or a weekend trip in school summer holidays (resulting in the weeks before / after not available for a family holiday)

Your friend bringing a young child out for dinner isn't on. Perhaps you could suggest eg theatre / cinema, where she wouldn't try to bring a child

Honeybee798 · 02/10/2023 11:38

YABU. She doesn’t want to go, so go with someone else who does. You don’t sound like a very good friend at all.

CherryMaDeara · 02/10/2023 11:38

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 11:37

I get being abroad and not being able to come back quickly in an emergency, so will suggest a 1 night trip somewhere we can be back within a few hours and see what she says.

OP, why not concentrate on other friends?

You are begging for crumbs of her attention.

Original poster
Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 11:39

Honeybee798 · 02/10/2023 11:38

YABU. She doesn’t want to go, so go with someone else who does. You don’t sound like a very good friend at all.

Thank you 😑

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 02/10/2023 11:40

Why not ask a different friend to Paris, and celebrate another way with your friend with children?

It's odd to view friends as people who owe you time accompanying you on chosen activities. Most people view friends as people they care about and want to spend time with, I don't particularly care what we do when we meet up. If I want to do something specific, I invite a friend who will really want to do that activity or trip. If it turns out they don't want to, no worries. It's not a measure of our friendship that they don't want to do something that I want to do. I don't think I'm particularly unusual in this...

IReallyLikeYouButIWantToSeeHowThingsGoWithMark · 02/10/2023 11:40

That is something i could do with my two now aged 14 and 12 round about now but certainly would not have considered earlier. One of mine has a range of additional needs though and we have no outside help whatsoever so yes things work best with both parents being around- not least because we both have very intense jobs.

But also i value my quiet home time. Going away for a hen weekend abroad would cause me financial stress and stress about having to take annual leave days that are usually preciously guarded for family time; plus emotional stress because I would be putting this all on DH and though he could cope that would seem unfair. That may seem wet or stupid to someone else but for me these are valid reasons. I may love my friend- I may be thrileld she is getting maried- I may even genuinely want to go away for a carefree weekend- but it is not- and would never BE carefree with all the logistics involved to make it work.

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 11:40

Honeybee798 · 02/10/2023 11:38

YABU. She doesn’t want to go, so go with someone else who does. You don’t sound like a very good friend at all.

That's just bitchy. People are taking potshots at the OP based on nothing at all.

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 11:41

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 11:39

Thank you 😑

Show quote history

Ignore them, OP, you do sound like a good friend. They just think you should martyr yourself on the altar of her motherhood, the way they do on theirs!

inamarina · 02/10/2023 11:41

LeafLife · 02/10/2023 10:28

I wouldn’t have left my children at those ages either.
Everybody parents differently so there is no ‘correct’ response to this. If she is the type of mum (like me) who wouldn’t leave their DC for a weekend, then even if people 100% say on here that they would leave their kids for a weekend, it makes no difference, she won’t.

I agree with this. Personally, I wouldn’t have left my kids at that age, others might see it differently. It’s not really about ‘normal’ and ‘not normal’.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.