Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

Jesus wept. The reason given was that the friend did not want to be away from her children. So a person with no children deciding that they would not want to go away is a completely pointless comparison. OP was asking for insight into the mindset of a person who does not want to leave their children, not advice on how to deal with a friend who doesn’t like weekends away.

stop being a tit

I would bet that at least one of the posters on this thread who have called the OP selfish, childish, abusive etc, had their own hen night/weekend, some may even have been abroad, where their friends made them feel special and helped them celebrate a special moment in their life

Shame that others that may do it later don’t get the same courtesy and are made to feel the way the OP has been made to feel on this thread for even daring to think that they could have their own moment, without compromise.

Because going by this unless you are one of the first in your group to get married then your friends won’t come to your hen or insist you have it in your local town, even after you likely paid out a fortune for theirs at some point. Of course friendships shouldn’t be transactional but it must sting a bit for people who have waited to get married, for their friends to turn round and say sorry I can’t be bothered/don’t want to even though you came to mine

This thread has made me so grateful for my friendship group and how we celebrate each others life moments as a group of parents and non parents. As I said in a previous post usually it’s the parents of the group that get the ball rolling with the next night out or trip

Saying that, at no time did OP demand her friend to come, shout at her or make her friend feel guilty for saying no. All of which she has been accused of by posters

I’d like to think that I would be fine with leaving my baby at that age, but to be honest, I wouldn’t want to.

my best friends (2 childless, 1 w a 5yr) recently invited me to Miami for a weekend away (over NYE), and as much as I want to go and see them, my baby would be 18mons att. I’m her main caregiver.
she’s nursed on demand and she’s incredibly attached to me. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my trip, as sad as that sounds. It could be that things could change for your friend, as 2 is still really, really young so it might be hard ti imagine leaving them…

It depends. My 3 year old is autistic so I will leave him with his dad but he will flip if it's someone else. So maybe talk to your friend and get more info before getting upset about it. Some kids take longer to be away especially if she has never gone away over night before.

Definitely normal I hate leaving my daughter and she's 10 I have no interest in going away and spending my money on me when I could take her somewhere

I don’t think your wrong to ask and I don’t think she’s wrong to say no either. Different strokes for different folks etc… however, why you’re getting such a hard time on here is madness. I’m a mother and I’ve left my ones overnight, I would go away for a friends hen and leave my kids with their dad. Everyone’s different but op I don’t think you’re a bad friend, controlling or abusive or all the other bathsit things you’ve been called.

A two or three year old is still very young. I think it is just as normal for a primary caregiver to not want to leave a young child as it is for another to be comfortable doing so. I had a normal, healthy, level of attachment to my child and was able to easily separate later on, no tears on either side at the school gate at 4 or for Cub Scout camp at 7.

There are some very strange posts on here!

OP neither you are your friend are being unreasonable in my opinion but unfortunately you are at very different stages in your life where for her she has very young children where their mum is their world and she is very much feeling that responsibility and feels like she will be abandoning them. It is a long time to be away from them at a young age and she wont relax or enjoy it If she goes.

You however, have a right to a hen do of your choice and I would honestly go ahead and do that with another friend who is in a position to go and fully embrace it and enjoy it. If your chosen friend goes, her mind will not be with you and you’ll understandably resent that.

Re the meal out, YANBU - if she can’t go out for a couple of hours and leave DH in charge that’s not a healthy state to be in my opinion and not a good lesson to teach her dc. Bringing the child along is really inconsiderate to you imo.

There could be a number of reasons why she’s said no.

It could be genuine and her 3 yo really doesn’t settle for anyone else and couldn’t cope without her but it could also be an excuse as she really doesn’t want to do the weekend away. That’s the excuse I would have made.

When DS was 3 I could leave him for nights out, he’d stay at my Mums, so I’d absolutely be able to go away for a long weekend, but I would have much rather spent that time away with DH. For us at least, a weekend in Paris would have hugely stretched our finances and as we spent so little time doing ‘us’ outings I wouldn’t have wanted to spend a huge amount on a hen weekend. Plus I really do loathe the whole hen weekend/holiday parties. What happened to the good old days of just one bloody good night out!

I would probably make a suggestion of a posh afternoon tea (or similar) with your friend and go to Paris with other friends.

The sneering, name-calling, and judgement on this thread really is MN at its worst.

There was nothing wrong with the OP asking her friend if she wanted to go away.

There was nothing wrong with the friend not feeling able/not wanting to commit to going away without her children.

Some parents leave their DC with trusted family to have overseas holidays and that's fine.

Some parents prefer not to leave their DC and holiday without them, and that's also fine.

Every child is different. And every parent will find their own style, often influenced by the personality of their child.

It's not pathetic, martyrdom, or over-attachment not to want to leave your child.

It's not neglectful of a lack of love for parents who are happy to holiday without them.

Can we not just give women a fucking break for a change? Do what's best for you and your family and stop bloody judging others who make different choices.

OP, I get that you're disappointed but I'm sure your friend is just a bit knackered, and maybe just not up to considering a holiday overseas. Hopefully as her children mature, you'll be able to go back to at least being able to enjoy nights out without miniature hangers-on.

Mums don't want to leave their kids generally.

It's not helpful to post generalisations like this.

For me and my circle of friends it is completely normal to leave our children with our partners for a few days ( I often work away for a week/10 days and DH and DS are perfectly fine)

I wouldn't have had an issue with what you're suggesting OP

Some of the responses on here are absolutely bstshit!
OP you've done nothing wrong and sound like a perfectly good friend.

If your friend feels she can’t get away for whatever reason then that’s up to her. We all have different styles of parenting and children are attached in different ways. Perhaps she is like many PP and feels she cannot enjoy herself if she was apart from them or maybe it’s her who settles them at night? I went to London on my own for 2 nights the week before my sons 1st birthday to see friends, an exhibition and theatre. I loved it. I needed to get away for a break and my husband 100% supported it. My son was fine and slept better without me in the house! Since then my husband and I alternate bedtime every night so he’s comfortable with both of us putting him down. It means we can get out and do things. I don’t even need to be in the house for dinner time.

I think your friend would be crazy not to go! I would have loved to go away for one weekend when my kids were that age. I wonder if she thinks her dh can’t cope or perhaps there’s more going on at home than you know about.
I think wherever you go, she is going to be miserable though as she will be worrying about her dc. Even 10 minutes away in a travel lodge would be a struggle.

Hi friend i know you find it hard to leave the kids for an hour to go out for dinner. Fancy going to Paris for the weekend without them?
She was never going to say yes

Well said @SpidersAreShitheads.

Mine were definitely fine. It wasn’t their preference for one of us to be away but it was a regular occurrence throughout their childhood and it didn’t distress them in the slightest. If they’d been upset when one of us was away I’m pretty sure the other of us looking after them would have noticed (particularly given that we had them all the times they were most tired and most likely to be upset). I imagine what you mean is that children would get upset and you’d then discover their parents were away. If they were not upset you might well never know about it. First my eldest’s reception teacher knew was about my 5th trip away that year when they were doing a topic about travel and we used pictures I took while away of all different modes of transports for a work trip to South America. The teacher commented at parents evening they hadn’t realised I’d been away. They had no clue I was away for 1-2 weeks at a time regularly.

See? Bollocks.

Guess what? Not all mothers are emotionally stunted divas who have to be out with 'the girls'. Really, they're not.

Guess what? Not all mothers are emotionally stunted divas who have to be out with 'the girls'. Really, they're not.

Wft... so mothers who enjoy going out with their friends are emotionally stunted divas??

Having a social life away from your child makes one 'emotionally stunted'. Is all okay in your brain there, love?

@SpidersAreShitheads 👏🏼

This may be true, but doesn't mean parents shouldn't go away if they want to. Yes i am a mum but i am also my own person outside of that, everything i do doesn't have to be with my 'mum hat on'. And women shouldn't be made to feel bad for going out with friends, taking a trip, working away etc.

I would have left mine and did, much younger. Their dad was more than capable. Sure kids would be fine, but mum doesn’t want to risk that they will be

@StopStartStop

Guess what? Not all mothers are emotionally stunted divas who have to be out with 'the girls'. Really, they're not.

Wft... so mothers who enjoy going out with their friends are emotionally stunted divas??

omg it’s perfectly normal to still like spending time with your friends once you become a mum you know!

guess what - one day your kids WILL grow up and not need you anymore! And if you don’t nurture your friendships , a woman could look round and see all her pals have fucked off, she’s completely lost herself and all her friends and it will be very lonely for her.

women do NOT have to be MARTYRS