Page 32 | Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

RedToothBrush · 02/10/2023 22:46

Cranberriesandtea · 02/10/2023 21:18

It's normal but equally a bit pathetic when full grown women have all their self worth and identity tied in with their children. I'm guessing the missing info here is that her husband is useless and her kids know that so she wouldn't do that to them and he probably wouldn't empower her to take a weekend away from them...

'Equally a bit pathetic'

Honestly, I think there could be an element of breastfeeding still going on with a 2/3 year old.

It's uncommon to breastfeed that long, but there's still a fair few women who do it but don't talk about about it and admit it because of the stigma.

This isn't 'a bit pathetic'. It's just making different life choices. This isn't about their self worth being tied up with their children.

I was in this boat. DS was a dreadful sleeper and it was the only thing that kept all three of us sane. We tried everything and the exhaustion of DH trying to settle him or me trying to settle him any other way was horrendous.

Plus quite honestly we both liked the cuddles. It's a moment in time that really doesn't last long. And we just wanted to enjoy that moment.

I'd done going out before. I didn't feel the need to go out. Been there, done that. And there's always the factor that there would be opportunities in the future when DS had grown up a bit. And there's the money-guilt factor too. It all just tainted the thought prospect of going out.

I did go out for an evening when DS was 17 weeks old. And I just didn't enjoy it. I didn't want to be there. I hadn't looked forward to it. And I was probably bad company. I didn't want to do it again - certainly not for a full night away for a long time.

I think DS was 6 before I felt like I wanted to. I was ready. And it was on my terms. It had fuck all to do with self worth. It was just about being ready and feeling happy. DS is more independent and self assured than most of his peers - precisely because he has a foundation in feeling secure. I look at one of the kids in his class whose parents go away constantly without him, and see a very insecure little boy who takes it out on everyone around him. The idea that you start leaving your child earlier does not mean they will definitely grow up more independent. The key point is about everyone feeling happy and secure with plans.

What's the point in doing something that is going to make you miserable?

Not everyone is the same. It's not pathetic to wait longer. There are lots of reasons why you might do so. What's right for one parent / child isn't necessarily the same as another - even within the same family.

If you don't have kids, I don't think you remotely get this. You just think 'why don't you just get a babysitter'? Or why can't your partner just do it. As if it's all it's about.

It's not that simple.

chillin12 · 02/10/2023 22:47

Bloooody ekkkk. I cannot believe how toxic MN can get the more I read threads. The amount of extrapolation, assumptions, and exaggeration is sometimes beyond me. OP simply wanted views on what’s the “done” thing, in terms of mothers going on hol without children etc. That is all. She wasn’t being rude, just literally curious and genuinely interested and expressed her opinion. She even said she “doesn’t know what it’s like,” so surely she is being considerate? It seems some women are so quick to patronise and act self-righteous, and others just looking for an opportunity to be judge and attack OPs character. All OP wanted was others perspectives so she is aware of how other mothers are, not a plethora of judgments.

Whyohwhywyoming · 02/10/2023 22:48

Op I don’t think you are a crappy abusive friend for feeling like you do, and your friend isn’t wrong for feeling the way she does. It’s just that a situation like this brings it to a head.

just to offer my perspective, I never left my children with their dad when they were little to go on holiday because he was an alcoholic, and I was hiding this fact from everyone. So people probably thought I was annoying and frustrating too, and that’s understandable. Not suggesting that your friend is hiding something like this! But sometimes you feel like the time away isn’t worth the stress. I’d have been in bits if I had had to leave my children, No matter for what or who.

MsRosley · 02/10/2023 22:49

Motherhood changes some women to the point where they find it difficult to relate to their pre-children life. It might be better just to let this friendship go.

Beachwaves127 · 02/10/2023 23:00

It’s not unusual OP for a mum to say no in this situation. It could be for several reasons as pps have said.

Personally, and I can only provide opinions on myself, I wouldn’t like to spend a weekend apart from Dc and DH as what with work commitments I don’t feel that I see them enough as it is. That would be my choice, not being a martyr (as pps have strangely said) - I enjoy being with my Dc! Unfortunately not spending enough time with DH and Dc is my priority these days.

I think people on this thred, as usual, have been unnecessarily harsh.

The above is my own feelings only and may or may not apply to your friend, but to answer your question, I believe it’s perfectly normal for your friend to say no, but it’s not reflective of her feelings towards you at all. She probably thinks you’re an amazing friend, it’s just her priorities have changed in terms of weekends away.

Hope this isn’t worded clumsily. Hope you can find an idea that suits you both for your hen / pre wedding event.

MrsRaspberry · 02/10/2023 23:04

She knows her kids. Yes their dad probably could easily look after them but if she's not comfortable with leaving them then its pretty unreasonable to expect her to do so when shes told you why she doesn't want to go away without her kids for a few days. Im assuming her youngest is only around a year old maybe almost 2 at the moment considering you say little one will be almost 3 by next year. It doesn't mean she doesn't value your friendship just because she puts her childrens needs first. She's a mum she knows how her kids are in certain situations. Maybe she's the kids main carer due to her husbands work commitments. It doesn't mean their dad can't or won't look after them it just means that mum is their comfort and they just don't cope well without her for more than a few hours-you seem quite annoyed with her for being a good parent because it doesn't fit in with your expectations of the friendship

NewName122 · 02/10/2023 23:07

She could easily go but obviously doesn't want to. Maybe not as close as you thought. Or she genuinely thinks her husband would end up neglecting the kids? Which would be very sad.

JustAMinutePleass · 02/10/2023 23:08

A lot of people use MN to socialise because they are incapable of building social relationships in real life to help with childcare and apparently all of these losers have come onto this thread at once.

Escapetofrance · 02/10/2023 23:08

I wouldn’t have left my dc at that age. Lots of people do leave their dc when they are young, but no child likes it. I’ve been teaching for 20+ years & every time a parent -particularly a mum, goes away, they child is upset. I deal with this on a weekly basis. The parents think it’s ok, the child will be fine, they’re old enough etc, but they’re not fine. Trust me.

surreygirl1987 · 02/10/2023 23:15

I’m not sure why you picked up on this @surreygirl1987because it was not you I was quoting

I know it wasn't... but this is a public forum and I was pointing out that I disagree with the point you are making and agree with the poster you were referring to!

Cotton55 · 02/10/2023 23:17

WhatapityWapiti · 02/10/2023 19:32

Er, it’s hard to explain to people who don’t have children because it’s a load of shite. The OP’s friend’s child will be three. You do know that a lot of mothers have been back to work for at least 2 years by the time their child is three? And that we are talking about children being left with their father here. They probably know him fairly well. And you even said yourself it was not being picked up by Mummy/Daddy which was the issue- so no probs, slashdaddy will be on the case..

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100% agree!
I can't believe some of these responses. It's obviously different if you're breastfeeding or your child has SEN but other than that, I can't see the big deal with going away for 2 nights and leaving them at those ages with their father. Surely he's more than capable of looking after his own kids for a weekend?! And if not, then there's a husband issue there. Tbh, to me, some posters sound like they have attachment issues themselves. We're not talking about newborn babies here!

Saschka · 02/10/2023 23:17

It’s a big ask of her DH, and would be the other way around as well - I wouldn’t be hugely impressed if DH went away for three days and left me to do all the parenting. Overnight would be fine, three nights is starting to take the piss a bit. Especially for a hen do which could easily be done locally.

Foxglovers · 02/10/2023 23:24

My 3 year old would be very upset if I went away for a weekend, which would put me off doing it.
i think it’s normal to go and normal to not go. People feel comfortable with different things.

surreygirl1987 · 02/10/2023 23:26

*"If I spend money on a 3 day trip abroad for myself, that's my kids missing out on something."

I disagree with @surreygirl1987 on this. The sense of martyrdom ok this thread makes me feel uncomfortable. Women, mums can't leave a dc aged almost 3, can't spend money on themselves. You are a person in your own right aswell you know, not just a mum.

I'm with you.

I don't feel guilty at all about spending money on myself and why would I?*

Hmmm... I wonder if your ommitance of my next line is accidental or deliberate... I went on to say:

"I'm not saying I wouldn't go out for a meal etc, but a 3 day trip abroad without my family just feels unnecessary when I could enjoy time with a friend much more cheaply and less inconveniently."

I absolutely spend money on myself - e.g. spa trips, meals out, triathlons (expensive!). However, this is very different to a 3 day trip abroad! I don't think a parent is a martyr for not wanting to blow loads of cash on a trip abroad without their family. We're saving up to go on a FAMILY holiday abroad next year- why would I blow that money on a friend rather than my actual family?
Additionally, you make a point about women (apparently like me) being 'martyrs' but my husband would feel the same. He spends even less money than me on himself.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 23:27

I think if the friend is saying no to this she should be offering something she can do instead to celebrate you, presumably like you celebrated her wedding. Has she offered a special dinner or spa day?

I feel very uncomfortable at the thought of being in a different county or more that one night off my baby but I hope when he's 3 I'll be able to do this!

surreygirl1987 · 02/10/2023 23:28

It’s a big ask of her DH, and would be the other way around as well - I wouldn’t be hugely impressed if DH went away for three days and left me to do all the parenting. Overnight would be fine, three nights is starting to take the piss a bit. Especially for a hen do which could easily be done locally

Exactly. My husband wouldn't do this to me at the moment while my kids are such a handful. And apparently it's not even a hen do (although I'm not sure how it is different to one except that there is only one person invited!).

surreygirl1987 · 02/10/2023 23:33

Sorry, not a hen do, a trip to celebrate a soon to be bride before she gets married (but not a hen do even though it’s exactly the same) (not a hen do though)

😁

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/10/2023 23:33

Saschka · 02/10/2023 23:17

It’s a big ask of her DH, and would be the other way around as well - I wouldn’t be hugely impressed if DH went away for three days and left me to do all the parenting. Overnight would be fine, three nights is starting to take the piss a bit. Especially for a hen do which could easily be done locally.

For a special occasion, I’d be pissed if DH didn’t want to look after his own DC for a few days.

But then he’d feel the same way. We’d consider it taking the piss if it was often but for a special event that doesn’t happen often? Especially a best friend? It wouldn’t be an issue for either of us.

Lavender14 · 02/10/2023 23:36

BettyPhuckzer · 02/10/2023 19:39

""AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?""

Yes

You are being unreasonable

You shouldnt expect another human being to dance to your tune and then imply that they aren't normal because they don't dance to your tune

I actually think this is it. Regardless of her status as a wife and mother etc... she just might not want to go abroad for a holiday. That doesn't make her unreasonable any more than you suggesting it makes you unreasonable. She's allowed to not want to spend the money/ use the leave/ dedicate the time etc even if she was single with no responsibilities she's still allowed to say no it doesn't suit and that shouldn't be a friendship breaker as I'm sure you'd like to be afforded the same respect from her op.

That's what works both ways in an adult friendship.

Goldmember · 02/10/2023 23:43

Its not usual to me but then I went on a hen weekend abroad when DD was 6m. I have an extremely capable DH and he went on the stag weekend shortly before. Interestingly once the bride had children she never left her them for more than a few hours, right up until the started school.

SofiaSoFar · 02/10/2023 23:45

@Lavender14

Regardless of her status as a wife and mother etc... she just might not want to go abroad for a holiday.

If that's the case she should say so instead of lying to OP then.

Some friend she is.

SunshineAndFizz · 02/10/2023 23:49

I'd have loved a weekend like this pre kids, would have said yes in a heartbeat, but honestly I'd say no too now.

totallyadhd · 03/10/2023 00:07

Having children can come with a lot of anxiety and guilt. I have had to say no to people in the past because I couldn’t leave my child for even just a full day and I’ve struggled with the guilt that comes with it. I’m sure she’s gutted she can’t just be carefree and scoot off to Paris.
Be a good friend, try to show her some understanding and do something else with her. I know it’s sad but you’re both adults and you never really know how someone feels or what it’s like to be in their situation, whatever or whomever that may be. I personally think it would be a bit childish to get upset about it. You will have a good time regardless of who can make it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

WhatapityWapiti · 03/10/2023 00:17

surreygirl1987 · 02/10/2023 23:15

I’m not sure why you picked up on this @surreygirl1987because it was not you I was quoting

I know it wasn't... but this is a public forum and I was pointing out that I disagree with the point you are making and agree with the poster you were referring to!

You agree that children need the CONSTANT physical presence of their mother until they go to school? Batshit.

WhatapityWapiti · 03/10/2023 00:19

Saschka · 02/10/2023 23:17

It’s a big ask of her DH, and would be the other way around as well - I wouldn’t be hugely impressed if DH went away for three days and left me to do all the parenting. Overnight would be fine, three nights is starting to take the piss a bit. Especially for a hen do which could easily be done locally.

Just as well she said 1-2 days and not 4 then, isn’t it?