Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

I would take your hand off to be honest 😂

It's normal but equally a bit pathetic when full grown women have all their self worth and identity tied in with their children. I'm guessing the missing info here is that her husband is useless and her kids know that so she wouldn't do that to them and he probably wouldn't empower her to take a weekend away from them...

I am pretty sure even one overnight away that she would only be enduring the trip, and counting the minutes that she can get it over with and go home.

I guess Paris is not on your honeymoon agenda...could it be?

I don't think you'd find many people arguing that if you can only afford one break away, it should include children who are old enough to understand and benefit from a holiday such as OP's children ages. Many people have suggested that finances could be the real issue.

The pp quoted didn't say she had little money either, though of course that could very well be the case.

Going on a trip doesn't mean you pretend to be single and it certainly doesn't make you selfish or self centred either. Again, you jump to extremes yet complain about others doing exactly what you're doing.

Please don’t perpetuate the lazy idea that people can’t understand anything until they have children.
The OP literally asked for parents’ opinions because she isn’t one, though.

Paris for 2 nights with 2 small children could be tricky for many reasons as people have mentioned. Expensive, time away from small children, unhelpful family, anxiety, or she may not want to be that far away from the kids in case of emergency.

Could you compromise with just one night in a U.K. city? A spa break or some museums.

Normal is what she’s comfortable with. Some people are comfortable to leave their infants for few days and other people aren’t comfortable separating from their kids for a while (and anything in between)

Agreed! I left my 5 month old and 2 year old with their dad while I met my best friend of 20 years on her honeymoon in Spain. She was my maid of honour and lives in Australia. She means a lot to me and the children were more than okay with their dad!! It's important to show children they can rely on more people than just their mothers.

I don't think anyone else has a right to say what is reasonable or not.
Personally I would have never left my kids at that age unless it was something like a hospital stay or something like a serious accident to close family.
There is no way I would have for a holiday.
I would never judge another mum for leaving them early on if she were happy to do so, but respect goes both ways.

@EaudeJavel
There's a balance. The OP or similar issue still stands, even if it's not specifically to do with a Paris trip. And this doesn't need to necessarily be about money.

I disagree that it's selfish.

Most of us fulfill many roles: mum, daughter, sister, employee, friend, wife. Just being yourself, a person in your own right. I can do that for free, look after myself, give myself time, space. No monetary cost.

Being a mum isn't the only role or the only relationship you have to invest time in. If you don't invest time in your marriage, then you could not be a wife any longer and your children won't have the viaduct family unit to be part of!! so that deserves consideration as well.

I manage to be a decent mum, and make time for myself too. It's not hard.

Exactly. Balance.

my friend was in a similar position when I had 2 littles.
id loved to have gone , but,,
money. DH earning, I wasn’t.
time. Asking DH to take a day off and spend his weekend looking after, cooking, washing cleaning etc.
I’d have missed them and felt guilty. I wouldn’t have wanted to feel guilty and would have loved to have had free Paris time. With my best friend. But somehow free Paris time when you don’t have kids and it’s just you is ver very different to Paris time when you have little kids. I could hear them say, ‘mummeeee’ even when they weren’t there. And it’s wierd, but the lovely shops and bars.. suddenly not that interesting.
I had a work colleague who turned down an all expenses osh weekend to Nyc. Didn’t make any sense till I had kids,

@EaudeJavel

"not on a trip pretending you are a single and free woman/man."

Right. Wow. So any woman doing anything that isn't 100% mum orientated, not totally child focussed , is now "selfish" and 'pretending to be single'.

I don't see how my current relationship status is relevant. I was the primary caregiver when my child was young if this is what you mean, but my child had a father I could, and did, leave him with overnight from age three.

Classic mn. Anxiety. Constant guilt. Loads of posters saying, I couldn't go, I wouldn't enjoy myself, I'd feel such guilt.

What's with all the guilt?

I'm immune to guilt. Never have felt it. I spent my whole freaking life trying to be a good mum: having play dates, birthday parties, running in primary school Mum sports day races, taking kids to jump Giants, taking both ds's ti football every week, dropping ds1 at university ....

I worked my butt off as a mum. I feel zero guilt for going out for a steak - just me and Dh, or my mates for a curry.

Wish more MN'ers would feel less guilt. You're best IS good enough.

I must be a terrible mother. I've regularly had nights out and weekends away since my children were born Dare I say I went on my sisters hen weekend when my youngest was 8 weeks old. My husband has always been capable of stepping up.

All of my mum friends are similar to me.

You've done so well to put up with your friend and her children tagging along all this time.

Chose a better friend who considers you rather than their needs all the time

It's about the choice to do what feels natural and good for you.

If a mum wants to go and do something then it's great that a mum can do that, but if she's not happy then that is to be respected.

Mums who don't want to leave their young kids should in no way be told that they have to ignore those feelings and pretend they don't exist, just to play along with the idea that this is what the world should be like.
I get fed up of people telling women that unless they go against what they feel then they are "letting the side down" for want of a better phrase.
I'll leave my child when I feel ready to. I am not going to do so to protect anyone else's feelings.

This exactly!! I didn't go round ditching my friends just cos I had a baby And didnt even have a willing husband or partner to look after them. But I managed to go to work and keep up with my friends / social life ( not so often as pre kid) without using kids as excuse to do sfa.

Strangely enough I still am friends with people from before children and eldest is 32.

You’re not unreasonable to ask
she’s not unreasonable to decline
personally (assuming money ok) I’d have been fine to come. But a LOT of women like to martyr themselves to parenting and then complain about their DH/DP

It's normal but equally a bit pathetic when full grown women have all their self worth and identity tied in with their children.

I’d hazard a guess that a lot of the mums who wouldn’t want to go to Paris don’t “have all their self-worth and identity tied in with their children” as they’re juggling prioritising being a mum AND their career so their children might have been in nursery all week from 8-6 as is the case for several women I am close to. Who are then absolutely wrecked on the weekend. So the weekend is very much about their kids. While I personally don’t think every single one should be about them, some parents clearly do and who am I to judge I guess.

Deodnds where you live. If in Lindon its 2.5hours to paris on eurostar . Obviously too far as abroad but seems ok to spend 4 hours to go to Blackpool as its same country

It’s entirely up to her what’s she’s happy with. I didn’t leave my kids for more than 1 night until they were late teens. First time my husband and I had a holiday on our own together they were also late teens

I said a flight, if you can get a phone call and get on the Eurostar like you could get in your car and drive home if need be then that is not comparable to a flight.

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, it’s up to her. If she wanted to go away with you, she would. I’m sorry but that doesn’t appear to be the case. Could you do something nice locally instead for a day or evening?

Personally I wouldn’t leave DS (just turned 2) as I’m still breastfeeding him morning and evening and I work very long hours. My weekends are to spend with him and my DH.

I often turn down nights out with friends because I’m too tired juggling a full time legal career with being a mum, and putting our money into childcare. The little spare time and occasionally the very small amount of spare money I have (£20 here and there) , I would prefer to spend with my DH and our son. I certainly wouldn’t be paying to go to Paris with a friend at the expense of a trip away with my family.

that’s not me being a martyr as is suggested on here but it’s a case of what’s important to me and what I prioritise. There is nothing wrong with the alternative, prioritising the friend in this situation.

my DH would be more than capable of looking after DS though if I did go away (even though he’s still breastfed). We’re very much 50/50 when it comes to parenting

My son is 5, there’s no way I’d leave him overnight unless I absolutely had to. Some people are happy to but I wouldn’t relax. Maybe suggest a nice spa day instead? I’d love a day away but not the night