Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

she didn't imply her friend wasn't normal. She simply asked other parents if this was normal behaviour? there's a difference.

'Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.'

work on your reading comprehension.

Yabu I wouldn’t have wanted to do that at all.

I’m not sure why you picked up on this @surreygirl1987 because it was not you I was quoting. The poster I quoted -@Yolo12345 - said

When you have children, those children NEED your physical presence constantly.

which is a load of nonsense.

It’s not too much to ask but everyone has their own sense of what is right for them and their children. I left my daughter for two nights every week with her grandparents from the age of one, and often travel for up to two weeks abroad for work. As a result she has a fantastic relationship with them and her dad. Don’t let this take away from your wedding celebrations or your friendship, it’s just that it can be difficult for friends to always be on the same wavelength sometimes.

The sense of martyrdom ok this thread makes me feel uncomfortable. Women, mums can't leave a dc aged almost 3, can't spend money on themselves. You are a person in your own right aswell you know, not just a mum

I could have afforded a trip to Paris a thousand times over when my DC were small. I still wouldn't and couldn't have done it. How does this fit in with your martyrdom theory?

Not normal in my opinion, I jump at the chance of 2 nights away from partner and kids!

YABU. I don't like to leave mine either. Weekends are family time for us. Once they've stopped breastfeeding I go out after bedtime for a meal or a couple of drinks but I'd not go away and leave them at this age.

Every parent is different though. But no, your friend is not abnormal.

There's no shame in a mother not wanting to leave her dc when young.

Equally there is nothing wrong with mothers who are comfortable leaving their children for 1 or 2 nights, occasionally doing so.

There's no right or wrong but this post is lots full of woman from either side absolutely slating each other for having the opposite views.

If you're happy with your own decisions and views why do you even care what other mums would or would let do? What impact does another mum going away/not going away have on you? Why is everyone getting so wound up at others choices?

Personally I would (and have) left a 3 yo DC with her dad for 48hrs....and for those saying it, it would be her equal parent she'd be left not a "random"

I think anxiety over 2 nights is normal. I'm doing that for the first time at Xmas leaving my 6 and 3 y olds and it feels like a big decision.

I've done one night a couple of times, and that feels manageable

She doesn't want to go. Either she doesn't want to leave her kids for herself, she's worried they'll really miss her, or maybe she simply doesn't want to go.
A hen do can be quite expensive in terms of cash and time. Most say they do it for the hen but tbf, many do it for themselves, an excuse for a big party. Its not a hen do though is it. Has she ever expressed a wish to go away for a weekend with you? If not, why would she now? Are you offering to pay? I think it's an odd request.

OP, some of the mums on here are next level defensive!

I think you're a pair of really good friends and you simply asked a question about whether she'd like to come on a fun weekend with you. No pressure no controlling, none of the shit you're being accused of!!!

Maybe her partner's not good at entertaining and doing bedtimes. There could be heaps of reasons. Regardless, I'm sure she'd come for one day and/or night. Hope you have a great wedding!

Blimey I've caught up on the thread now.

I'm not sure if you're planning to have DC, but if you do I suggest you bookmark this thread and come back to it in a few years and see if it strikes you differently then.

Friend is mental. What a lot of women seem to forget is that a dad is an equal parent!

There are families who don't have a money tree growing in the back garden. When money's taken out of the pot, it doesn't reappear and it's not there when someone's shoes grow a hole.

Really? Even though a large number of people who have children have responded saying that OP is not being unreasonable to think her friend might like the idea of a weekend away?

Please don’t perpetuate the lazy idea that people can’t understand anything until they have children.

As a single parent, my daughter stayed at grandparents one night a week rom age 1. she was with her dad every other weekend and once a year I'd go on weekends away with mum friends and still do. I struggle to understand parents who feel they can't leave their kids for a couple of nights but have several friends like this. Our kids are 14, one has never spent a night without her child unless she's been on a school trip or sleepover but didn't even do that until secondary school. Each to their own.

Why would she? I have a child and don't think anything OP has said is unreasonable.

She asked a question because she isn't a parent
She asked her friend about it once and isn't pressuring her
She is considering 1 night and in the UK instead of multiple nights and abroad to suit her friend
Her friend's children are invited to the wedding

OP is bending over backwards to cater to her friend but also questioning if she is more invested in the friendship than her friend which I can understand since they can't even go out to dinner at 8pm without friend insisting on dragging her youngest with her.

I'd be frustrated too and again, I have a child.

I wouldn't have left mine. I was also aware that friends without children couldn't understand it. Some children don't cope well without their prime parents, and yes, maybe you could put it down to her parental anxiety, but she wouldn't enjoy the time away at all because she'd be worried sick and missing them.

You will need to compromise.

Having just done a difficult bedtime and missing quality time with my husband recently, if I was inclined to go away for the weekend, I think I’d rather splurge on a spa break and spend it with my husband! 😂

YANBU. I have a friend like this, except I'm the one with kids and she won't leave her Dog with her H to come and see me/go away together because of her obsessive attachment to her dog. It's affected the friendship and I'm sick of doing all the leg work.

Some people do and some don't and I think both are normal depending on parenting style. I wouldn't have left my dd at 3 overnight. But had friends who left young babies for whole weekends. I think you have to respect her choices in this situation. My DD would have been bereft without me at 3 and me her. Tbh I miss her when she's on a sleepover now and she's 16! We're rarely apart overnight.

I have just had my first baby at 40. He is 5 months old and I'm still breastfeeding and I have had two separate nights away and left him with his Dad. I am no different now I've had a child. Although my lifestyle is! It's totally understandable this is an important milestone (getting married) for you and you want to share it with your bestie. The kid doesn't have to thrive in her absence. I'm sure Dad can keep him alive. However it is still her choice and 'normal' is different for everyone. She may also not want to go for other reasons. But it can be normal to leave your children at that age. It's sad but sometimes your friendships don't last or change. I had to accept my best friends no longer holidaying with me when they had kids. I'm planning on going Ibiza for my friends 40th next year (she has a 7 and 1 year old). Don't compromise what you want to do to accommodate her, it sounds like you do that already (as you would being good friends). It's sounds like you feel it is one way traffic though. Have a fab time in Paris it's amazing I loved it.

I have a three year old and apart from nearly dying and being in intensive care, I’ve never had a night apart. In fact she still sleeps in my bed.
1 night maybe, but more than that would be a hard no.

I think you just need to accept that you are totally mismatched in your friendship needs. Find a more suitable friends.

My friends suit me. Probably wouldn't suit most of mn. All my close friends are very caring, open, share all their innermost thoughts. Have loads of time to invest in the friendship. Are free to chat/message a lot, meet up a lot, for curry and wine, also for long weekends abroad to European cities: Berlin, Tallin, Dubrovnik, krakow, Ljubljana, Berlin.

If she can't / won't go away and you want to, if she can't even manage a meal out, she's clearly not the friend for you right now where you are in your life. Make a new friend!

well, no. You chose to have kids, you deal with the consequences. You are a parent first. If it was a given for men and women, at least half the threads would disappear from this forum for a start, as they are about shit parents.

It's not being a martyr to prioritise your kids, it's good parenting.

It's all well and good to talk about families with very generous holiday budget, who can afford 3 or 4 holidays a year and a few city breaks in between. Of course these families can afford for the parents to go on a couple of hen or stag a year.

If you are, like many struggling families, on a limited budget when childcare is already hard to finance, spending money on YOUR break is selfish when it means no one else can have a holiday. The children will absolutely miss out.

Being a mum IS being a person in your own right, just not a selfish self-centred one.

It's more than normal to want to spend what little money you have on your kids or on your family, not on a trip pretending you are a single and free woman/man.