Page 29 | Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

Heavensabove3005 · 02/10/2023 19:05

Yes I work nights so have to leave them then. So when work is done and we’re all at home I would never consider leaving them again. My choice, everyone is different as well as their circumstances for a parent who is with their child 24/7 or whatever I completely understand it and may have felt differently then.

Heavensabove3005 · 02/10/2023 19:07

Yes I work nights so have to leave them then. So when work is done and we’re all at home I would never consider leaving them again. My choice, everyone is different as well as their circumstances for a parent who is with their child 24/7 or whatever I completely understand it and may have felt differently then.

StopStartStop · 02/10/2023 19:07

The OP isn't a random, she's a friend of 20+ years!

Oh, mamma, of course you must leave your children to see your so-special friend. What do we matter to you? We grew in your body but obviously your 'friend' is so much closer to you than we are!

NightSku0 · 02/10/2023 19:13

She sounds like a shit friend…. Go with someone that actually wants to make the effort for you.

Ffion21 · 02/10/2023 19:16

She may be fine leaving them but not want too go with you.

a flight to Paris for a weekend (or whatever mode of travel) + 2 nights in a hotel + spending money is a lot.

perhaps they would rather use that money for family trips / activities.

I love my friends but would prioritise spending money as a family.

Sunshinebythesea · 02/10/2023 19:17

It’s a personal choice. I left our (then) just 2 year old with DH for 4 days and went away on a girls trip abroad. He’s a more than capable father and they enjoyed their time together. I missed them both, of course, but I very much enjoyed the break 🤣 Appreciate that’s not for everyone though.

MrsBrownsBattenburg · 02/10/2023 19:20

@Whattodo17xx I guess if your friend's DC will be "nearly 3" for your wedding, then they're just 1 currently? Is your friend breastfeeding?

LarkspurLane · 02/10/2023 19:22

Kemper · 02/10/2023 10:52

I think it’s down to couples to decide between them what is doable for their family. But it’s very common on here for women to post that they don’t want their husbands to go on a two day stag to [insert popular European city] and to be almost unanimously backed up. The arguments tend to focus on the impact to family finances and the fact that the woman will be left alone all weekend with young children. The man who wants to go is roasted.

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Can you link to one about finances and women being left alone?
The stag do threads I've seen usually talk about strippers and prostitutes.

Original poster

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 19:22

StopStartStop · 02/10/2023 19:07

The OP isn't a random, she's a friend of 20+ years!

Oh, mamma, of course you must leave your children to see your so-special friend. What do we matter to you? We grew in your body but obviously your 'friend' is so much closer to you than we are!

Sorry what?

OP posts:

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 19:24

StopStartStop · 02/10/2023 19:07

The OP isn't a random, she's a friend of 20+ years!

Oh, mamma, of course you must leave your children to see your so-special friend. What do we matter to you? We grew in your body but obviously your 'friend' is so much closer to you than we are!

do you have any friends yourself?

Yolo12345 · 02/10/2023 19:26

When you have children, those children NEED your physical presence constantly. They often are distraught when not being picked up by mummy/daddy and when something is outside of their routine. It's hard to describe to people that don't have kids and a shock to new parents.

Also when you have kids you do feel inclined to spend your money on them/on experiences with them. So perhaps your friend has different priorities now. X

Pugfin · 02/10/2023 19:30

Yolo12345 · 02/10/2023 19:26

When you have children, those children NEED your physical presence constantly. They often are distraught when not being picked up by mummy/daddy and when something is outside of their routine. It's hard to describe to people that don't have kids and a shock to new parents.

Also when you have kids you do feel inclined to spend your money on them/on experiences with them. So perhaps your friend has different priorities now. X

Speak for yourself!

WhatapityWapiti · 02/10/2023 19:32

Yolo12345 · 02/10/2023 19:26

When you have children, those children NEED your physical presence constantly. They often are distraught when not being picked up by mummy/daddy and when something is outside of their routine. It's hard to describe to people that don't have kids and a shock to new parents.

Also when you have kids you do feel inclined to spend your money on them/on experiences with them. So perhaps your friend has different priorities now. X

Er, it’s hard to explain to people who don’t have children because it’s a load of shite. The OP’s friend’s child will be three. You do know that a lot of mothers have been back to work for at least 2 years by the time their child is three? And that we are talking about children being left with their father here. They probably know him fairly well. And you even said yourself it was not being picked up by Mummy/Daddy which was the issue- so no probs, slashdaddy will be on the case..

Thexwife · 02/10/2023 19:33

until you have your own child you don’t know how you will be. I wouldn’t leave mine. It also depends on the baby/child and partner. My husband was crap - he wouldn’t have allowed me to go away (yes allowed), and I wouldn’t have dared leave him with the kids, I would have been too scared. I would have had calls saying they were ill with a screaming child in the background. This happened frequently when I went out so I stopped going out. There’s also the expense - she’s probably doing less hours at work and wants to spend cash she has on kids. Then there’s the holidays - schools have a lot of holidays and holidays have to be planned carefully as child care is hard to find.

surreygirl1987 · 02/10/2023 19:33

I went away for work regularly when DT’s were that age - can just imagine the response I’d have received from work if I’d refused because I didn’t want to be away from DT’s.
I also did weekends away to visit friends and family in Belgium - DH was more than capable of looking after DT’s - he’s their father not a random stranger.

But that's work. If we're comparing this trip to work, there are bigger issues going on! Yes, many people make sacrifices for their jobs. I have done myself, and I chalk it up to what I needed to do in order to keep my career. But I shouldn't have to make sacrifices to keep my friends happy! A weekend away with a friend shouldn't feel like work, a chore, or a sacrifice of any kind. I honestly can't see why the OP doesn't simply suggest a spa day instead.

daliesque · 02/10/2023 19:36

You are nothing of the sort and you were right in one of your previous posts that it goes both ways in a friendship. If parents want to prioritise their family time that’s fine but neglect friendships, don’t expect them to be the same when you want to pick them up again

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are asking and it is also absolutely fine to be disappointed that she is not willing to do this.

It is not controlling to make a suggestion about where you and a friend can go on a trip. I do this with friends all the time.

And childfree people do understand family pressures, but obviously we have to be patronised constantly.

Anyway, OP. I've been there and it sucks. You're the one who always has to make the concessions. I had an ex friend bring her toddler along to a coffee with me where I had asked her specifically to come on her own as I had just been diagnosed with cancer and wanted to tell her as it was going to affect some plans we'd made together. I didn't end up telling her that day because of the kid. When she found out she went ballistic at me for cancelling the plans - it was a charity thing that we were getting sponsors for but with my diagnosis I had to pull out and so she had to get more sponsors to make up the money. Long story. That's why she's an ex friend.

I never made demands but got similar comments to you over the years when I still bothered trying to keep those friendships going. Sometimes I literally could not meet them at their house because they lived 40 miles away and I was a junior doctor working way too many hours. Or I was recovering from an operation and them chemo and so didn't want to do the travelling.

I'm now 50 and those friends are now gone from my life. I was told to wait around and they would come back but, you know what? I couldn't be bothered so I went out and got better friends instead.

Maybe you need to do the same?

surreygirl1987 · 02/10/2023 19:37

Er, it’s hard to explain to people who don’t have children because it’s a load of shite. The OP’s friend’s child will be three. You do know that a lot of mothers have been back to work for at least 2 years by the time their child is three?

Er I actually agree - I was one of those people who just didn't get it before I had kids. I would not have understood why someone's life had changed so drastically that they weren't that keen on a weekend trip away anymore. Now I have kids and I feel foolish for my pre-kid naivety! You live and learn.

And yes, lots of mothers are indeed back in work. I went back full time when my baby was 6 months old and put him in full time nursery. I'm not sure how that is relevant to a three day trip abroad though... that's entirely different?

BettyPhuckzer · 02/10/2023 19:39

""AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?""

Yes

You are being unreasonable

You shouldnt expect another human being to dance to your tune and then imply that they aren't normal because they don't dance to your tune

surreygirl1987 · 02/10/2023 19:39

Also when you have kids you do feel inclined to spend your money on them/on experiences with them. So perhaps your friend has different priorities now.

Yes this. If I spend money on a 3 day trip abroad for myself, that's my kids missing out on something. Right now, when money is tight, it goes on them, not me. I'm not saying I wouldn't go out for a meal etc, but a 3 day trip abroad without my family just feels unnecessary when I could enjoy time with a friend much more cheaply and less inconveniently.

ttcat37 · 02/10/2023 19:45

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 16:50

It's not a hen do. No-one else was invited. Do read before ranting.

BTW, the childfree friends can probably easily afford Paris. Probably quite a few of the ones with kids can too.

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Sorry, not a hen do, a trip to celebrate a soon to be bride before she gets married (but not a hen do even though it’s exactly the same) (not a hen do though)

Why do you assume that child free friends can ‘probably easily afford Paris’? What do they earn? How much expendable income do they have? What are their mortgages? How much have their rent and bills soared? None of my friends with or without kids would be able to budget for a weekend away in Paris and nor would they put such extravagant expectations on one another.

I’ve said it before but I think so many brides to be forget that their special day is exactly that- theirs. Other people aren’t obliged to be as excited as you are.

fuacks · 02/10/2023 19:46

Parker231 · 02/10/2023 18:51

Do you never need to do overnight stays with work?

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The prospect of overnight stays with work was one of many reasons I became a SAHM.

OP sounds like a very nice friend and was not wrong to ask. Her friend sounds like a very nice friend and is not wrong to say no.

We all vary as to whether or not we are happy to leave our young children. I wasn't happy to leave them, including during the day. This doesn't make me a martyr or a good person - I loved every second of it. Other mothers are happy to leave them either for work or for pleasure. This doesn't make them bad people. Other mothers have no choice but to leave them during the day, so want to spend time with them when they can.

So much depends on what the children are like, what their father is like, whether there are any other family members around (not in my case), whether you have to work, and how you personally feel.

There is no right and wrong about this. OP and her friend will no doubt find a compromise which suits both of them.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/10/2023 19:46

StopStartStop · 02/10/2023 19:07

The OP isn't a random, she's a friend of 20+ years!

Oh, mamma, of course you must leave your children to see your so-special friend. What do we matter to you? We grew in your body but obviously your 'friend' is so much closer to you than we are!

So mothers can't even have friends now?

Get a grip.

Cornettoninja · 02/10/2023 19:47

BettyPhuckzer · 02/10/2023 19:39

""AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?""

Yes

You are being unreasonable

You shouldnt expect another human being to dance to your tune and then imply that they aren't normal because they don't dance to your tune

Pretty concise.

Oblomov23 · 02/10/2023 19:50

"Also when you have kids you do feel inclined to spend your money on them/on experiences with them. "

"If I spend money on a 3 day trip abroad for myself, that's my kids missing out on something."

I disagree with @surreygirl1987 on this. The sense of martyrdom ok this thread makes me feel uncomfortable. Women, mums can't leave a dc aged almost 3, can't spend money on themselves. You are a person in your own right aswell you know, not just a mum.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/10/2023 19:52

Oblomov23 · 02/10/2023 19:50

"Also when you have kids you do feel inclined to spend your money on them/on experiences with them. "

"If I spend money on a 3 day trip abroad for myself, that's my kids missing out on something."

I disagree with @surreygirl1987 on this. The sense of martyrdom ok this thread makes me feel uncomfortable. Women, mums can't leave a dc aged almost 3, can't spend money on themselves. You are a person in your own right aswell you know, not just a mum.

I'm with you.

I don't feel guilty at all about spending money on myself and why would I? My DC has everything that he needs and more.