Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

I definitely wouldn't have been able to leave DS for that long at 3 and I still wouldn't really be up for it and he's nearly 5.

again... of course it's possible, but it's also very possible to to not want to, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Not all mothers are desperate for a weekend away when they have a baby or young child. Not all married women/ men are desperate for a weekend away from their partner either.

If you are mid-thirty with a 7 year old, you have had at least a good decade of child free weekends, childfree holidays and night out. It's not like you are missing out on anything, give it 2 or 3 years and the older one will go away to camps, on holiday with friends anyway.

I frequently go away as my close friends don’t live near me so it’s usually a stay over. (once every two months maybe).

last year I went away for three days with a friend to Europe but my kids are older (10 and 13).

I do think a lot of mums would think I am selfish though.

Maybe a night away somewhere in the UK may feel safer/more bearable if you really want to go away with her. Xx

I haven't read every message on here but read a few.

It seems people are thinking you are pressuring your friend into joining you on a small holiday.

When you're a mum your focus shifts, as a person your priorities change, your children become your upmost priority. And that can sometime change the dynamics of some of your friendships. To me it sounds as though you have been very welcoming of her DC.

When the kids are young and usually mothers are the default parent so they tend to settle better with mum. Mine always have done too. Are kids don't sleep well and the burden of that again usually falls to mum, rightly or wrongly.

Asking your friend for some time a year in advance is not a tall ask...the distance might be. I would maybe suggest a spa day with a nice meal and an overnight somewhere maybe an hour away from where you stay. She might be more receptive to that. Plus at the moment the kids sleep pattern might be playing on her mind.

But I think you are the only one that knows your friend well. So I wouldn't take some of these comments too seriously. ☺️

I think it's totally normal. 3 is very young still and if they aren't used to being without mum it'd be hard!
I don't think I would have left my son at 3 to go away with a friend for more than 1 day.

There was nothing sinister going on at home, his dad would have been fine with it. However myself and LO wouldn't.
How about doing a day spa break to compromise

I never said that all mothers are desperate for a weekend away, I've said from the start that everyone is different including mothers.

I do get frustrated when ''they are only little once'', ''you don't get those years back'', ''it goes by so fast'' etc is trotted out because it is almost always aimed at mothers like it is somehow bad to enjoy the odd weekend away.

I personally don’t get this - myself and my husband have always had time away with friends and the other has looked after the children so we can do so. It’s Normal to want time away and I think it’s heathy to do so too. Each to their own but I personally wouldn’t have an issue with leaving children that age for 2 nights.

My kids are 1&5 and I’ve left them multiple times for weekends away with no issue and it’s nice to have a break away from them! I remember when my oldest was born I had 5 hen dos that year (all weekends away abroad and UK) and she was 4 months when I first left her for 3 days. They have both been Absolutely fine and it was nice for their dad to have them 1-1

or it's in reply to poster going for the mock-pity smug "how stupid to be such a martyr".

Enjoying a a few years because you want to is anything but being a martyr.

If people feel it's a personal attack when someone says "I don't want to go, I can't be arsed, I am much happier home or going away with my family", it's on them.

I went away for work regularly when DT’s were that age - can just imagine the response I’d have received from work if I’d refused because I didn’t want to be away from DT’s.
I also did weekends away to visit friends and family in Belgium - DH was more than capable of looking after DT’s - he’s their father not a random stranger.

My god, my initial takeaway from this is what miserable lives some people lead! While for some there would be finacial and logistical reasons why a weekend im Paris would be a pipe dream; not wanting to leave their kids with their dad for a couple of nights is not a great reflection on either their parenting skills or their marriage - whatever they tell themselves.

You're not unreasonable for expecting one of your oldest friends to do something to celebrate one of the big moments in your life, when I'm sure you feigned interest in many moments of theirs for years - lets be honest, nobody finds other people's children particularly interesting.

It probably won't be much consolation to you now, but the posters on here saying 'the years when they are young go so quickly', are indeed correct. And there are plenty of threads on here to attest to the fact that history is often not particularly kind to people that let their closest friendships slide during this period, and are left with just 'D' H when the little darlings fly the nest.

As you'll see from the replies there are different versions of "normal". I know people who have left babies under one overnight but I know many with 2, 3 and 4 year olds who wouldn't.

It's not really about what anyone else thinks is normal but whether she's comfortable doing it and it sounds like she isn't. Is she a good friend in other ways? Only you can answer this. I think it may be unreasonable if she can't manage a dinner either.

Honestly, not wanting a weekend in Paris with a friend at this point in my life doesn’t make me miserable, surely?

I wouldn't have left my youngest at that age, but different people are different people are happy with different things. I still don't like being away from my kids and they are much bigger now.

I think it's one of those things where you just have to respect what your friend is comfortable with and accept that her children will come first for her.

Wouldn’t have wanted to leave the country without my daughter at that age, it would have felt too weird being so far away in case of emergencies. No way I could have enjoyed that! Shes now six and I still don’t enjoy more than a night away from her. Some of us really would rather do everything with our kids. I have a child free friend who doesn’t get it, she gets quite annoyed with me that I won’t go on hols without her.

It isn't just this thread. It's thrown out there on the majority of threads where mothers express an interest in doing something other than being with their children.

Again, you seem to associate enjoying children with never leaving them. It's the extreme that you either enjoy your children all of the time and never leave them or clearly don't enjoy them because you do leave them which is the bonkers part for me.

I don't think not wanting to leave a 3 year old automatically makes you a martyr but I do think some pp's about much older children certainly lean that way.

Ha, I'm with the pp. Same with me, I genuinely don't think any of the mums I know would have any issue with it (they've all been away at some point and usually the father as well).
I find it very sad that so many on here have husbands that couldn't cope and don't value friendships very much (then usually complain down the line).
However, it could also be that her children are going through a difficult phase, or her partner is or that money is tight (and time) and she just can't prioritise something like this, which would be fair enough. I mean, any reason she has is fair enough, really.
But it also seems like you might want to prioritise other friends and enjoy the trip without compromise!

Of course they have I would never stop them going away they have sleepovers etc as well. However I’m not keen on going away and leaving them if they’re here. I don’t understand why people would be so concerned with that. They’re well rounded and capable kids and don’t miss me for a second when they’re going. I just don’t like going away.

Do you never need to do overnight stays with work?

I think this is a much better option. There is no way I would have been a flight away from my child until they were at least five. Flight cancellations or delays, anything could happen. A few hours drive away would feel much safer.

I would feel edgy about leaving my child overnight at all before three, DS was still feeding at night after turning two.

I am surprised by the amount of People here saying they would never leave their children for even one night. when I was younger my parents went away many a time and we were left with babysitter and grandparents. my husbands parents travelled all over the world without him and his siblings. packed off to his second mother as he called her up the road. no harm done to either of us. I had my sisters kids aged 4 here all weekend while they went away for a wedding fir 2 nights. they loved their little holidays were spoilt and no issue bathing them and bed time. my sister has to travel for work most months so her husband has to look aftrr and make sure he can mind them as they have no choice but to get on with it. remember it is OK to have a bit of me time away from your children. doesn't make you a bad mother

Sounds like her DH is a waste of space

Are you a single parent?

what are you on about?! Op says they have been friends since they were children! The complete opposite of random.

Compared with your children? Randoms!