Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

some of the responses on here are crazy!

You have done nothing wrong in asking her - contrary to some of the responses lots of people do in fact enjoy spending time away with friends and would feel valued that you would like to spend this time with them to celebrate. Sounds lovely. some of thread's on here seem to suggest that going to anybody else's celebration is a massive inconvenience.

She has also done nothing wrong saying no. based on your update about the dinner plans, it sounds like her youngest is difficult to settle and may be strongly attached to her at bedtime. that isn't abnormal. (you havent mentioned it so i assume probably not, but it is also possible that age 2 she is breastfeeding, in which case might be worried about whether or not he will be still having bedtime milk at the time of the trip). It may well be a different story in a years time, but perhaps she doesn't want to commit and then feel in a difficult situation nearer the time.

I do understand that it is a shame for you as she is obviously someone you consider to be a very close friend, and it would be great if you could have this trip with her, but I think you have to respect her boundaries. If you aren't in a rush to book, you could wait a few months and gauge if anything has changed.

Once I had children, I didn’t want to leave them to go off on trips with friends. The one time I was practically forced on a weekend away, I was miserable and just wanted to be home with my family. Some people simply don’t want to do these things. Call me boring, but I wasn’t interested and I would make up excuses about the kids so I didn’t have to go.

Sometimes the shortcomings of a man become apparent after the baby arrives, or after the baby turns into a toddler, or after there is a toddler plus another baby in the home. The shortcomings can range from unsuspected and previously unexpressed assumptions (or glib lies) about gender roles, which can sometimes be corrected, to an outright abusive nature, which usually can not.

I would not leave my children at those ages for even one night.

The OP is hardly a random! They have a friendship approaching 30 years. I'd be going away with you in a heartbeat OP. I strongly believe spending time with friends and family to enrich your adult relationships makes me happier and a better parent and is a healthy thing for my kids to experience.

Someone should make sure all babies and toddlers get that memo...

You need a friend whose whole identity isn't tied up in being a Mum. Ignore the dramatics here. I'm from Scandinavia and in my culture it's perfectly normal for a woman to take the weekend off with her friends while her spouse minds their small children. Why shouldn't it? Sounds odd not to be able to leave a 4 year old with its other parent, IMO. Scandinavian children are also far more independent and mature because of their upbringing, and it's seen as very healthy that their mothers have lives that aren't all about them.

I think the one thing we have learned from this thread is there is no such thing as normal. Just opinions and preferences

I had a long weekend with the girls last month, 2 mums of babies under 2.5 and 2 without children. Of course they phoned home to check in but then got on with the holiday

Unless they were putting on a show all weekend and completely lying to their childhood friends, they both had a good time

I spoke to one of the dads at the weekend and he said he obviously missed his wife but enjoyed his time with his son. There were no dramas

My youngest is 3.5 and I wouldn't leave her for that long. I'd stretch to one night probably.

I would LOVE a weekend away from my kids OP. Please consider me 😊

But no, I really don't understand how a parent couldn't leave their children for two nights. I parent all.week.long. my eldest is 6 and I've been away probably 3 times and it was great! Lie ins, alcohol, no disruptions, no snacks to make, no bedtime to get through. Utter bliss!

YANBU at all. I suspect there's more going on than your friend is willing to admit. Either she's not managing with this kids behaviour (who takes a crying kid to a restaurant at 8pm! She should have reinforced bedtime boundaries, of course the kid will cry when they know it gets them what they want). Or her husband isn't as willing to watch his own children as they make out. You often don't know what's going on behind close doors, even if you're close.

I'd just not ask again and arrange something else. Do you have a mum or sister you could go away with?

Really surprised by a lot of these replies. Leaving DC with their dad is very different to leaving them with a family member. I never thought twice about leaving DC with DH for 2 or 3 nights once I'd stopped breastfeeding around the year mark. He's just as good a parent as I am - better in many ways!

It's also very possible to enjoy those years and still also enjoy the odd weekend away.

This is not normal what are you on about? And is it just mums or are dads the same?

I wouldn't leave the country without my kids and they are 11 and 8. At that age I did have to go away once (from south to the north of England) because my brother's wife had died and it would have been scary for my kids, but the youngest struggled and we didn't do it again until she was nearly 7. There are lots of people who feel differently and there's nothing wrong with that but I think you will have to trust your friend's judgement as she is the best person to know her own situation x

I took that 'all the time' comment as the eyeroll moment that it was. I think it was the OP blowing off a little steam and also perhaps inadvertently expressing her inability to see that her friend has a full time role occupying her mind 24/7 regardless of whether she also has a full time paid occupation.

I don't see evidence to support your assertion that 'most people like to talk about non child related things if they get a rare child free moment'. To the contrary, most of the parents I know, and those I knew when my kids were young, engaged in chat about children rather a lot. We did this in order to have a laugh about it all, to get a sense of perspective, and also to bond as people trying to make sense of a new and often difficult role. Chatting about our children often revealed aspects of people's personalities that drew me toward them but also revealed traits that I found very unattractive. I'm sure there were people who developed good or bad impressions of me based on conversations about children.

Quite a lot of people are interested in their children and the children of their friends, in their schools and teachers, in their extra curricular activities, in any special giftsnor talents they may have, in their choice of secondary schools, in other people's children's difficulties or illnesses. We're not all dying to get the point where they can neither be seen nor heard, and out of sight is out of mind.

See? Martyr.

Some of these responses are absolutely batshit!

If you don’t want to leave your children, that’s absolutely fine. OP isn’t selfish, controlling, bad friend, abuser for asking her friend if she’d like to go away for the weekend for a hen celebration. Jeez.

OP, you unfortunately have to come to terms with the fact your friend doesn’t have the headspace (or money perhaps, if an excuse) for anything other than her children.

I have and would have left mine for a weekend at that age, because my OH is perfectly capable of parenting for a few days and I was glad of the break. I was the first person in my circle to have children and if I didn’t make the effort to maintain those friendships I would have lost them. I think this is important on both sides. There needs to be some empathy, understanding and effort on both sides of any friendship if it stands a chance of lasting. Now my friends have much younger children than me and I’m still compromising to accommodate their life stage. The difference is that they all want to meet me halfway and are good and supportive friends.

Is your friend making any effort at all to maintain your friendship in other ways? If not, perhaps it’s time to take a step back. I have a friend whose children are 8-10, and she won’t even leave them with her husband for an evening because they apparently won’t cope with being put to bed by anyone but her. That doesn’t work for me, I will assume it’s an excuse and she doesn’t want to see me. I have stopped asking her to meet up as she never will. But now she complains I never ask her to go out! I have had to concentrate on other people, as my identity is not solely based on being a mother and I want and need other things from my female friends other than talking about children or spending time with their children. I find it frustrating and yes, if I’m honest, I do judge her a bit for it BUT I do understand and accept that’s how she feels and it’s her life/family/choice so my tough luck really!

OP, I would organise something lovely with other people and have a wonderful time.

I would want to go, certainly but if I had a child that was particularly needy (and mine at 2-3 was clingy) I would be hesitant to commit myself to a trip abroad, no matter how much notice I had. She has to prioritise her child, it's as simple as that, 3 is still very young.

You haven't done anything wrong inviting her and she hasn't done anything wrong in saying no and citing her kids as the reason. Kids aren't a homogenous group, they are all different and some need mum more than others.

It's ok to feel a bit put out as well, friendships change when kids get added to the mix and it's an adjustment for everyone. It doesn't mean she values you any less but her priorities and boundaries have changed.

I'm quite surprised by some of the answers on here OP as in my friendship group leaving kids for a night or two isn't a problem (some don't want to go abroad though which I can understand). I'm so far the other way though that I left my 6 month old with my parents whilst me and DH went to Barcelona for 4 nights but that is definitely not the norm.
I don't think you're a bad friend for wanting to spend more time alone with your friend as I think that'd very important for the both of you and also just for her to have time being her rather than a mum (again that might just be me though).

She doesn’t really want to go, otherwise she would get it sorted. I think it is lovely that you want to do something special with her, but you need to start thinking of another treat.

Amongst my friendship group it would not be common for someone to not be able to or want to leave their children with their other parent for a couple of nights at these ages (and younger!). So personally I’d assume it was an excuse for something else like money or not wanting to spend so much time just 1 on 1. However I’d absolutely respect the no, wouldn’t ask again and wouldn’t give it much more thought.

I guess it’s personal choice, i would and have left mine age 12 and 4 for a couple of nights and most of my friends have done the same especially if they are left with DH I don’t see the problem but I guess some may not feel comfortable with it for whatever reason.

I just read a few more of your posts OP. The kids thing I empathise with but your suggestions of dinner etc are really not expecting too much. If she says no to those then I can't really see how that's not possible. Is there anything else making things complicated such as neurodivergence, special needs or disabilities? I have a friend who has declined everything I have suggested for a year and it's horrible so I can understand you must be feeling rubbish. I would ask other friends to go away with you in lieu of attending the wedding itself. Say that you would really like to spend one on one time with them, which is hard at your own wedding. Invite her to whatever you decide to do but if she doesn't come then at least you are doing something and not waiting for an answer till the last minute x

Don't go down that route, OP. It's not fair to assume she doesn't value the friendship because of the difficulties she has in leaving her children. It's a really difficult thing for many women to balance. It's ideal if your life and heart grows to accommodate everyone that it needs to, but it's not always that easy.

Paris is full of bedbugs- even on the Metro.