Page 26 | Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

Whattodo17xx · 2023-10-02T09:19:19+00:00

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8! I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays. She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her. Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like. AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

User2123 · 02/10/2023 17:08

ttcat37 · 02/10/2023 16:49

Your friend is probably glad to have a decent excuse not to come whilst your child free friends wonder how the fuck they will get the money together for a trip to bloody Paris when they’re struggling to pay the mortgage.

Hen dos abroad are short sighted and selfish imo

You sound a bit bitter. Not everyone is struggling. I'm sure OP wouldn't have suggested a trip abroad if she thought her friend couldn't afford it. And if she couldn't, you would think they are close enough for her to be honest about her financial situation, not make up excuses.

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 17:13

Having kids doesn't mean you are suddenly meant to stop everything else in your life.

Having kids doesn't have to mean anything at all.

You CAN however prefer to stay with your kids, you can have no interest in things you were doing before they were born and you can want to take a break just to enjoy motherhood.

you CAN also want to keep pretty much the same lifestyle and slot the kids around your career, hobbies and night out.

What I want to know is what gives the right to make a judgment on what a parent decides do to? Unless you are the father and have a special interest in spending time with your own kids, you are not superior for being "independent" or for being more family-orientated (for lack of better expression).

Enjoying the first years and the early childhood before they start school is not being a martyr, wanting family holidays and not nights out for a hen night is not making you a martyr or an inferior. These years will be gone before you know it frankly.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 02/10/2023 17:15

WhatapityWapiti · 02/10/2023 17:07

Don’t be snarky at me because your writing style caused confusion. Or complain when you share a story and then someone dares to ask you a question about it!

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Apologies if l came across snarky you just seem a bit over invested in my input to this thread.
I would say to someone's face "The truth is....blah blah", doesn't mean l am not being honest with them - l would use it more as a - l know you're not going to like it but this is me being honest type situation although l can see why you might think l hadn't been honest with her.

joelmillersbackpack · 02/10/2023 17:16

It doesn’t matter if it’s normal or not, she’s said no. She’s also basically saying no to your follow up proposal, she couldn’t be much clearer that she doesn’t want to do anything overnight.

I do think it is normal, I’ve a four year old and truthfully not many of my friends would want to go on a trip abroad with a friend.

I wouldn’t actually want to leave my child for two nights and definitely not over a weekend. I’d actually rather go midweek and just for one night max. Better still a day trip or spa day.

Life is so busy that it’s hard anyway to carve out family time that isn’t dominated by rushing about. Something has to give and that is stuff like this. You have to prioritise hard and ruthlessly. It’s not personal and don’t take that to mean it’s her view on your whole friendship.

I actually wouldn’t want to do this with a friend anyway even if I felt happy to leave my children. I’m done with days of sharing hotel rooms, spending money to go on a trip that isn’t actually my choice, compromising how I spend my days on holiday with another adult because it’s ‘their trip’ and the expense which inevitably takes away from family holidays.

WhatapityWapiti · 02/10/2023 17:19

@joelmillersbackpack

I actually wouldn’t want to do this with a friend anyway even if I felt happy to leave my children. I’m done with days of sharing hotel rooms, spending money to go on a trip that isn’t actually my choice, compromising how I spend my days on holiday with another adult because it’s ‘their trip’

I think that you chose the wrong friends to go away with if that was your experience.

ManchesterLu · 02/10/2023 17:20

Whether it's normal or not, it's very entitled of you to decide that a group of people have to fork out for an overseas trip just to celebrate your wedding - which they will be celebrating on the day itself.

WhatapityWapiti · 02/10/2023 17:20

ManchesterLu · 02/10/2023 17:20

Whether it's normal or not, it's very entitled of you to decide that a group of people have to fork out for an overseas trip just to celebrate your wedding - which they will be celebrating on the day itself.

What part of “just us two” in the OP is hard to understand?!

boomtickhouse · 02/10/2023 17:21

Heavensabove3005 · 02/10/2023 10:28

Mine are 11 and 14 the most I’ve done is an overnight stay. I just don’t lik leaving them so people know if there’s any hen dos etc that are weekends or abroad I’m out. I don’t miss going I like to be at home. I’d probably be the same if I didn’t have kids some people just aren’t keen.

Haven't they been away on school or scouts trips?!

I think at 3yo its common not to leave for more than a night, but by 14yo this is very unusual

boomtickhouse · 02/10/2023 17:22

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 10:32

She may be using it as an excuse to get out of going away. As we know on MN lots of people hate the idea of going away with friends, even if it is just for two nights. Or she might genuinely believe that her 4 year old won’t cope in just the presence of their father, which is a bit weird. And a sad indication of how the family functions.

I think this. From the outside you perhaps know little about how their family functions, particularly if child free she may not want to disclose how little he does

WhatapityWapiti · 02/10/2023 17:26

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 02/10/2023 17:15

Apologies if l came across snarky you just seem a bit over invested in my input to this thread.
I would say to someone's face "The truth is....blah blah", doesn't mean l am not being honest with them - l would use it more as a - l know you're not going to like it but this is me being honest type situation although l can see why you might think l hadn't been honest with her.

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Truce @Justrolledmyeyesoutloud .

As for “over invested”, the reason I asked why you didn’t tell your friend the truth is that the whole point of this thread is that OP is wondering what her friend really thinks- so any insight into why someone might say they did not want to leave their child, but perhaps did not tell the whole truth, is surely what OP is looking for here.

Moot point now you have clarified that you did explain fully.

RampantIvy · 02/10/2023 17:27

Haven't they been away on school or scouts trips?!

At 7 and 2, not necessarily. A lot of 7 years olds haven't felt ready to do so.

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 17:28

ManchesterLu · 02/10/2023 17:20

Whether it's normal or not, it's very entitled of you to decide that a group of people have to fork out for an overseas trip just to celebrate your wedding - which they will be celebrating on the day itself.

Oh cop on to yourself

She suggested the trip. She didn't pin her friend down and demand she attend.

Lavenderflower · 02/10/2023 17:29

I don't it a case of whether this is normal or not. Everybody parents differently. Cost may be a factor as well.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 02/10/2023 17:30

WhatapityWapiti · 02/10/2023 17:26

Truce @Justrolledmyeyesoutloud .

As for “over invested”, the reason I asked why you didn’t tell your friend the truth is that the whole point of this thread is that OP is wondering what her friend really thinks- so any insight into why someone might say they did not want to leave their child, but perhaps did not tell the whole truth, is surely what OP is looking for here.

Moot point now you have clarified that you did explain fully.

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Cool - glad we understand each other😊😊have a nice evening x

Roselilly36 · 02/10/2023 17:30

I wouldn’t have left my two either tbh. I would have wished you well for your celebrations.

smileyI · 02/10/2023 17:33

I wouldn’t be able to leave my 2 year old for 2 nights. I’m leaving him for a night soon but I’m not expecting it to go well. If she hasn’t left them regularly before then 2 nights would be really hard for them.

WhatapityWapiti · 02/10/2023 17:36

RampantIvy · 02/10/2023 17:27

Haven't they been away on school or scouts trips?!

At 7 and 2, not necessarily. A lot of 7 years olds haven't felt ready to do so.

That was to a poster whose kids were 11 and 14.

BlindCat · 02/10/2023 17:36

Her kids, her rules. I took our daughter with me to see family who live 2000 miles away for five days when she was three - daughter coped just fine, wife not so much. I think it’s pretty normal she doesn’t want to go, but I’d expect it’s more about her than the children, this is assuming the dad actually participates in bringing them up, getting them down to bed etc. Some families this is still down to the mum and I can see why the kids might struggle.

StaunchMomma · 02/10/2023 17:37

I think it's completely normal.

I personally wouldn't have wanted to leave my DS for days when he was 3.

It's OK to want to. It's OK to not want to. Mothers are still people, with agency, and hence are entitled to do what they want to do.

You don't get to criticise her choices.

HereIfYouNeedMe · 02/10/2023 17:41

I would go to celebrate you, my dear friend. We can all be irrational and worry about our children but I like to maintain my friendships still. We're all different, I'm sorry she's already said no. There would be many reasons that maybe she feels you wouldn't understand, it's disappointing for you and until 4 years ago I didn't have children either, it still made me a considerate friend even if they thought I couldn't possibly know what it's like! Now I have children I still go out of my way to celebrate my friends, as they have for me. I hope you have a great hen weekend wherever you go!

StaunchMomma · 02/10/2023 17:43

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 14:38

I do, 99% of the time...though I'm beginning to wonder whether she actually values our friendship like I do. So thanks for the clarity!

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I'm sorry but what you're saying is that your friend has to put you before her own children to 'prove' she's as invested in the friendship as you are and that is, frankly, childish.

If you have your own kids in a few years I think you'll be looking back on this thread and cringeing massively.

StopStartStop · 02/10/2023 17:46

Why would anyone want to leave their children for a hen weekend? Why? There's no virtue at all in leaving children you love in favour of randoms. None. If you want to do that, do it. If you don't, you aren't showing some kind of problematic relationship, you're just being normal.

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 17:50

StopStartStop · 02/10/2023 17:46

Why would anyone want to leave their children for a hen weekend? Why? There's no virtue at all in leaving children you love in favour of randoms. None. If you want to do that, do it. If you don't, you aren't showing some kind of problematic relationship, you're just being normal.

The OP isn't a random, she's a friend of 20+ years!

JFC.

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 17:51

StopStartStop · 02/10/2023 17:46

Why would anyone want to leave their children for a hen weekend? Why? There's no virtue at all in leaving children you love in favour of randoms. None. If you want to do that, do it. If you don't, you aren't showing some kind of problematic relationship, you're just being normal.

'Randoms'

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/10/2023 17:52

@StopStartStop

Why would anyone want to leave their children for a hen weekend? Why? There's no virtue at all in leaving children you love in favour of randoms. None. If you want to do that, do it. If you don't, you aren't showing some kind of problematic relationship, you're just being normal.”

what are you on about?! Op says they have been friends since they were children! The complete opposite of random.