Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

3 days (when you leave on Day 1 and are home on day 3). What an eternity…

I wouldn’t be keen on this either.

My friend was pissed off with me for saying l wouldn't go away for her 50th when my dd was 7.
The truth is, if l have a child free break, it would need to be with dh as he wouldn't take time off (self employed) to look after dd just for me to go away which l agree with tbh- our relationship trumps friendships

And why did you not just tell her the truth?

MargotBamborough is correct here. Sexual stereotyping much.
I am not happy travelling overseas without my DC until they are 5ish, unless they are with my DH/their father.
Breastfeeding aside of course, why have DC with someone you do not see as capable of caring for them?

Personally I wouldn’t want to even if my child was packing my bags and telling me to go I’d miss them too much and rather stay home. Time is something I treasure. I want time with my family and this would be a consideration for me in how long I’d be willing to spend doing something. Money is always a consideration too because as much as I like my friends I’d rather spend that money going away with my family or on day trips for example. In my experience I seem to be the odd one out with this thinking but each to their own, I don’t judge them for doing it and hope they feel the same way.

Agree with babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo
I wouldn’t enjoy leaving my young children.

I actually posted much earlier on in the thread to say that I don’t think the mum is being particularly unreasonable and that it’s quite common for women not to want to leave their children at that age. My second post (the one you quoted) was in response to subsequent posters who seemed to be engaging in a strange game to prove they love their kids more than anyone else on the thread.

I’m very sure that the vast majority of us ‘prioritise’ our children by the way, quite probably including the mother of the 4 week old you referenced in your reply.

Isn’t prioritising a child about so much more than physical presence? Or should us mums and dads all give up work and be in the same building as our children 24/7?

I did tell her the truth!
I am explaining to the op what my truth was....which l also explained to my friend ffs.

Different people will have different boundaries around this. A couple of things spring to mind:

• if one of her kids is a terrible sleeper then it’s all hands on deck and a bit shit to put the other parent in a position of handling it solo when it’s not for something vital. I speak from experience as leaving my daughter at that age for a couple of nights would have been untenable and quite torturous for the other parent.
• personally, I would find it hard to justify spending 100s on a weekend abroad for me and not spending that money on our family, house or something for me and DH. Even when money wasn’t tight I would have felt a bit weird about this. I would probably feel differently if it were something UK based for one night. Two nights abroad feels a bit ‘darling, can you just manage all this chaos by yourself while I swan off and spend all our money on something that isn’t to the benefit of us or our children?’

Some families during the early years, rightly or wrongly and including my own, exist in a kind of series of negotiations. You do bedtime and I’ll cook, you go to Pilates and I’ll go to the pub, etc etc. In my house, Paris would open the door for a reciprocal weekend away which we couldn’t afford and would just be a pain in the arse all round. Hence, no Paris.

She's not being a good friend, because she's ok with the fact that99% of the time she brings the kids, only talks about the kids...and OP thinks that maybe 1% of the time, say for her wedding, she might actually be seen as a person, and its not ALL about the friends children?

Are you quite well?

Your friend is probably glad to have a decent excuse not to come whilst your child free friends wonder how the fuck they will get the money together for a trip to bloody Paris when they’re struggling to pay the mortgage.

Hen dos abroad are short sighted and selfish imo

If you write a sentence then follow it up by saying to the reader “The truth is…” that implies that only the reader is being told the truth but the original person was fed a lie.

You also said that your friend was pissed off with you. Why would she have been pissed off by your perfectly honest explanation? (Oh unless you literally said “my relationship trumps friendships”)?

It's not a hen do. No-one else was invited. Do read before ranting.

BTW, the childfree friends can probably easily afford Paris. Probably quite a few of the ones with kids can too.

That's not what's happening here though, is it? OP said she wanted to go away with her friend for 1 - 2 nights, meaning even 1 night would be fine.

OP just go with some other girls - will be cheaper too not travelling during the School holidays!

So many people are different OP. From what I've read, you're not a bad friend for asking and she's just in a place in life atm where she doesn't feel like she can say yes. It sucks but it is what it is. Tbh, I would have left my kids that young and I have several friends who also would have left there's. But I also have a lot of friends who just wouldn't or couldn't- parenting is so different on so many levels and mothers feel maternal instincts at different times and for different reasons.

I don't think you were being unreasonable to ask. I also understand your frustration when it feels like your friend can't be your friend even for one dinner without it including or being about her children. My only advice would be to really look at your friendship and decide how you want it to proceed - this is the place your friend is at right now, it may last a long time or almost no time at all. This is also the place you're at right now - big life events and needing that friend in a way she's either doesn't or won't recognise. Neither one of you are selfish or 'not normal' or a bad friend for being where you both are in your lives at the moment. I hope it works out for both of you, whatever that looks like and whatever you decide to do about your hen night - and I hope you have a fabulous time 🥳🥳

She doesn't want to, OP. It's as simple as that.

Just throwing this out there....

Are your fiance and her DH friends, do they know each other? Just wondering if you could perhaps have a weekend away with all of you (kids included). And then you and your friend have a spa afternoon / nice long lunch / boozy brunch on one of days, whilst the men do something 'exciting' with the kids?

I know this might be a bit of a raw deal for your fiance, but he hopefully he'd be willing to suck it up so you can at least have a mini-hen celebration!

For me, it’s not as precious as the time with my children. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. I’ve had 37 years before my children were born to do everything my heart desired: exciting holidays, city breaks, theatre, fabulous bars and restaurants. It’s now my time with my children, and they grow up in the blink of an eye. My three year old is at nursery 4 days a week, 9 to 6, it’s not like there’s that much time in the week left after that. I want to make the most of it.

Lots of kids, up to about school age, struggle with things like sleeping, and it can be very exhausting for parents. To some extent I think this is exacerbated by the parenting culture, but practically, it is what it is. Most parents begin to be more comfortable after school age, though I know quite a few who don't spend any time away from both parents until they are in their tweens or even teens.

Additionally, many mums have a strong sense of attachment and will find leaving their toddlers stressful. I certainly felt that with my older kids. My youngest, not so much. Partly because her father was around more, due to changes in employment, and she was also very attached to her older siblings, so there was a lot of direct support, which is hugely significant. But also because at that point I was a much more experienced, middle aged mum of four. Not much stressed me out, even my kids being a little uncomfortable. It can be hard for non-parents to understand how much of a bad gut feeling can be involved for mothers, especially, when their kids seem distressed. I am sure there is a hormonal element to this.

It is also true that sometimes the other parent struggles to cope, and that can be for many different reasons. I have a good friend who for many years was forbidden to be away at bed time, other than for work, and even when the kids were much older, could only take a weekend trip away if he took the children. His wife could manage, and dd occasionally when it was required like for work. But after a few times when he went away for leisure, she made it clear this was a no-go. Whether this was about some kind of health issues, depression, or what, I have no idea, but it was certainly quite hard on the marriage. (And yes, he sometimes stayed with the kids while she went away with friends.) I never felt like it was my place to ask.

Because she expected me to carry on as l did before l had a baby and she didn't understand why l wouldn't leave my child. Maybe because she hasn't got her own kids she couldn't understand - maybe because we had always loosely said we would do a trip for her bday but life gets in the way or something.
So she was pissed off, even though l was 100% honest with her.
She knows how important our friendship is to me but my marriage is too - as is her relationship with her partner.
Anything else you would like me to clear up for you?

I wouldn't leave my kids on this instance. Not because I or they wouldn't cope (although at 3 my youngest might have been quite upset) but I couldn't justify spending that much time and money when it didn't involve them. Could be any number of ' normal' reasons why someone might not want to do this.

It’s worth pointing out that when you have a friend who has been a friend since you were both 8 (I have one too) then your relationship probably has a long history of sleepovers, talking into the small hours, comparing hangovers over breakfast and trips away where you plan activities over several days. Contrast this to a later-in-life friend whom you only ever meet for dinners or other evenings that end with you going your separate ways. It’s normal to feel that more superficial interactions are denying you the chance for that real intimacy that you have with your friend, or at least that you remember having when you were younger.
It feels more acute when there is a major life event in the offing.

My close childhood friend emigrated across the globe years ago but when she comes back to the UK we always schedule in a night away together and leave our husbands and kids to get on with it. It’s usually only at about 11pm that the conversation starts to get really honest, booze or no booze.

What did you and she do together before she got married OP? What about before her first child was born? Do you think she has any memory of how it feels to be in your position?

Don’t be snarky at me because your writing style caused confusion. Or complain when you share a story and then someone dares to ask you a question about it!