Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

I don't know any mother (or father) within my family/ friend group (about 20 mothers) who would/ would've had an issue leaving dc of that age for a few nights. We've gone away regularly from when dc we're about a year old-once/ twice per year.

It's infuriating.

It's a mistake that they won't make again anyway after I had shared my concerns with them.

I have 14 yr old twins, both with SEN. Both have quite high needs but one particularly so.

Neither of my DC can shower alone. Neither can cross a road by themselves, or pay for an item in a shop. Neither can be left alone in the house for even two minutes. If I go to the shop for too long (maybe 40 minutes) while DC are at home with their dad, DS starts to panic that I’m dead. He accidentally injured me about 18 months by kneeing me in the stomach so hard as he threw himself at me on my return - I ended up in hospital having a CT scan.

I know this isn’t the OP’s friend’s situation but even with quite extreme circumstances like mine not many people get it.

Friends with children lose patience because they can leave their children without a problem. Childless friends have no idea at all. Consequently, I have a very small circle of close friends who are patient and allow me to participate as little or as much as I’m able, but even one or two of them don’t really get it and can make thoughtless comments at times. The only person who truly gets it is a friend who has DC like mine.

I do regularly feel isolated and left out, but equally, I can’t change my circumstances. Of course I’d love to do fun and exciting things with my friends - they recently went on a road trip round Ireland - but I just can’t. And that probably won’t change for me, ever.

Sometimes when you’ve got DC (even without SEN) who just don’t cope well, the emotional toll of getting out is just so high it’s exhausting. And if you’re a footloose and fancy-free friend and dying to hang out with them, I know that it can be frustrating. It’s not a reflection on your friendship or how much they value your company, they’re just trying to balance everything and might be struggling, Every child is different, and we all parent differently.

I completely understand your frustration OP but try not to take it personally. You must consider her to be a very good friend if she’s the only one invited to your wedding. Hang in there - things won’t always be like this for her. Things will circle round eventually.

Depends on the kids.. And what they're used to. Most I've left my 3 year old is one night and he broke the grandparents.. Lol My eldest child at 8 would be fine.

There's no right and wrong but more what they feel comfortable with. I'd struggle with a whole weekend until he was a bit older but I know kids that are happy to be with left with others.

I think asking if she wants to go away within the UK is a good idea. Also something to consider is, how well do you know what her situation is? My DP went through a tricky phase of ringing me up to scream abuse down the phone if I dared be away for the night. Maybe your friend has similar. Either way, I think her being in emergency distance is a good shout.

You think the OP is a bad friend because she doesn't want to talk about her friend's children all the time?

I think that's a weird way of looking at things. Other people's children aren't that interesting. And even when you have your own children, most people like to talk about non child related things if they get a rare child free moment.

I hope he's your ex DP.

I laughed out loud at the poster who said “My weekends are for relaxing, I wouldn’t get to relax in Paris with my friend”. It’s a bloody holiday not a weekend SAS boot camp.

OP, you have flushed out all of the hen do haters and attachment parents who are painting a very skewed picture of maternal behaviour. This is really not a good place to ask.

Assuming no special needs and her DH a competent father, the position is this:

1. it is not remotely unreasonable to think that the mother of a 7 and 3 year old might spend 2 nights away from them.
2. it is not unreasonable to think that a weekend away in a nice place with a very old friend right before a major event for you is a nice idea.
3. it didn’t really matter whether or not your friend’s response is normal or not- it is what it is. But, for the avoidance of doubt, it was not unreasonable to ask.
4. She has quite possibly changed a lot as a person since having her kids and maybe you just don’t like the same things any more. But not all mothers of 2 kids would change in this way.
5. She possibly sees you as less important in her life now she has her own nuclear family. Not all married mothers downgrade their friends this way, but some do.
6. the stuff where she imposes her kids on your time together is thoughtless and tone deaf.

I think you have to chalk this one up as a non-starter and move on from the friendship, in a subtle way. Have a lovely wedding and best wishes for the future.

I know woman who can find the time if it suits them to go places or do things but will come up excuse about the kids if they don't want to meet up.

I can understand that it may not suit your friend to go away for the weekend as her kids are small, the cost of it and her husband needing to use a day's holidays.

The last night you were due to go out for a meal at 8.00 she insists on bringing her child with her because her child was not settling down for the night. Along with this anytime you meet her she always has her kids with her.

To be honest I would not be happy with how she is treating you at the moment. Your trying to keep your friendship going and you don't want her kids with you always either.
I say to her now that you understand that she can't go away for a weekend. She might not like hearing this but ask her when was the last time she went anywhere without her kids?

I would say to her anytime I meet you the kids are always their. Tell her it's important for your own physical and mental health that you have some child free time to do things that you like and see her own friends.

Your not falling out with her but your letting her know how you feel in a nice way.

Because we prioritise time with our children - are you for real?!

Mine are in their 20s now and I am not "lonely" or "unfulfilled". I have several friend groups whom I've known in some cases for 30/40 years, all very good friends.

There's no 'right or wrong' here. Some women are comfortable leaving them, some aren't. Just accept it for what it is.

Though my eyebrows nearly disappeared into my fringe when someone told me that she had minded her 4 week old grandchild overnight...

Talk about an over-reaction...

Who gave birth to them?

Of course men physically can care for children. But generally women are more likely to worry more, to do the detailed aspects of childcare, are much less likely to abandon their children etc. Due to biological, evolutionary and cultural reasons.

Well obviously I gave birth to them, but that doesn't have any bearing on who can look after them now.

It's currently a bit tricky because my youngest is still breastfeeding and she, unlike her brother, won't take a bottle. But that won't be an issue when she is three.

The rest of your post is sexist stereotyping.

I don’t think that other women should get to declare that someone’s choices about their children are ‘not normal’ either. In my experience it’s very normal for mothers of children as young as 3 to not want to leave them to go on holiday without them?!

Absolutely this. It's not about what's normal, but about what feels right for their family.

Mine was 6 weeks when he had his first overnight with Grandparents. 😂

Do elaborate? What part were you referring to in particular? Moving away from the friendship? Who can be arsed with making the effort to stay in contact with someone who has made it plain they don’t want to spend time with them? It just gets embarrassing after a while.

Prioritising time with your children is not the same as never leaving your children and refusing to spend time with your friends.

It isn't normal for you, but it is for a lot of women

The youngest is 2! That is so little. I did leave my son (and his slightly older brother) with their grandparents when he was only 2, but only because it was the actual wedding (abroad, which was annoying). There was also an overnight hen do, but I chose not to stay overnight. If the hen do was abroad I definitely wouldn't have gone. My two kids are a real handful - manageable for the two of us (my husband and I) but very difficult for just one of us to manage. I would only leave him on his own with them overnight in rare circumstances.

Also worth considering other reasons - she could be using the children as an excuse not to go. Maybe it's the cost. Maybe it's taking holiday time (not rtft). Maybe she simply doesn't want to! When I had kids, my priorities shifted. I was suddenly spending £3k a month on nursery fees - no way could I justify blowing hundreds on a hen do!

It isn't normal for you, but it is for a lot of women

Exactly. Who's to judge what 'normal' is anyway?!

It’s up to her, I have gone away but then miss my kids. I’ve now decided I struggle to be away like 1 day from them. It’s because they’re growing up and they’re at school so our weekends are precious

Prioritising time with your children is not the same as never leaving your children and refusing to spend time with your friends.

That's not what's happening her though is it. It's not inviting her out for coffee, a meal, or theatre trip. It's a 3-day holiday! 🙈

I can empathise with mothers of small children not going away - I couldn't and it was mostly a DP problem. But teens? Really ? By 14 mine had gone on scout trips and school residentials so they were hardly going to evaporate at home without me...
OP you had every right to ask. Sounds to me like she can't really rely on her husband, sad but true.

Talk about being deliberately obtuse. The meaning of “normal” in the context of this question is “the way that the majority think and behave”.

OP’s question was whether she had somehow made a request that everybody else would have known not to make, because the answer would be obvious.

OP went on to explain that the last time they had a meal the friend brought her child along. The length of the meet up is not the issue here.