Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

Yes it is normal and you are being unreasonable. She knows how her children will react, her youngest may be particularly needy.
Her first responsibility is to her children. That doesn't mean you are not important to her it just means that they need her more than you do. That's without considering the expense and exhaustion caring for children entails.
She obviously doesn't feel confident about a weekend away , If she is the close friend you say she is you will try and see things from her point of view.

Ok so myself, my sil and my bestie all want to go to Butlins for an adults weekend. And whilst I really do want to go, I know I couldn't cope just yet, I wouldn't enjoy it because I'd be missing my kids (6&2), my sil has a 2&5 year old and does go away without them sometimes and is totally fine. My point is we are all different, everyone's normal is different and it's not fair to judge eachothers normal. Your friend may want to go but not be able to bring herself to go and actually switch off from being mum and enjoy paris. She also maybe can't afford it.

At 3 years old that's normal.
I did it once but they were with very trusted and familiar family.
What would really get my back up would be someone trying to pressure me or suggesting I was unreasonable to have my reservations.
One day if you have a DC who knows how you'll feel about. It's really predictable. I feel strongly about things that has never occurred to be pre kids.

Of course it's ok if you're not comfortable leaving your kids to go overseas, my issue, if you scroll back through quotes, was that she thought it weird that some women do leave their kids. In my opinion it's each to their own and there is no wrong or right and neither side should be viewed as weird for their decisions

Should say really unpredictable how you'd feel.

My daughter is 4 and I may now consider leaving her for that long in a year’s time (when she’s 5) but only just. It’s not fair to include the “in a year’s time” because you just don’t know where your child will be developmentally. A year ago mine was waking frequently and only I could settle her, there’s no way I’d be booking anything in the future at that point. Who cares if it’s normal, it’s normal for your friend and YABU to expect her to go when she feels uneasy. She won’t have a good time missing her kids anyway.

She's spoken to her about it once.

Why are some posters insistent on making out as though the OP is harassing her friend?

I have a child who is nearly 3 too. I have never been away for more than a night. It's likely I'll have to leave DC for two nights around their 3rd birthday and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm still breastfeeding and wonder if I'll be in pain after not doing it for a weekend. I hate missing two bedtimes in a row.

I do like spending time with friends though. One night away might feel more achievable to your friend - it would for me - maybe consider somewhere nearer to home?

’each to their own but….’ proceeds to type up a lengthy, scathing, psychoanalysis of people they’ve never met with no information of any nuances or circumstances culminating in a doom laden prediction of their lonely futures.

you can probably drop the insincere ‘each to their own’

Mine would have been fine (I've left them a lot longer) but does look like I'm the minority. My second would have fret till about 1 but after that she didn't miss me. I must be awful!

I wouldn't have left my 3 year old with my now ex husband as he wasn't reliable enough and had no patience. I couldn't have relaxed as I knew my dc needs wouldn't be met and their safety would be compromised. Maybe this is the case with your friend.

What do you think the reasons are?

Personally I think it cuts both ways - it’s not just that men ARE fine with it but that they are more expected to be fine with it. Certainly at my work mothers with young children are given more slack when it comes to saying no to work trips than men who are expected to just carry on as though the kids don’t exist. I expect they’d also get more of a hard time for saying no to going on a stag do or boys trip because they want to stay with their kids. So I expect many men actually do feel like they don’t want to leave their kids but are less able to say so than women - obviously I’m just guessing here though, maybe I’m wrong.

Fair enough, happy to do so 🤷‍♀️

I agree whatnot! I'm very surprised (and a bit shocked tbh) at the amount of posters saying there's no way they'd leave them at that age. It's only 2 nights! I'd be jumping on that plane!!

My DH is going on a 5 day lads holiday next year - yes he jolly well will owe me some downtime after that!

This thread is such an eye-opener! Yes I left my kids at that age for a night or 2 away. Yes my DH parented them all alone because he's their parent too 🤣 It's good for young kids to spend quality time alone with their Dad without Mum being in charge all the time. I have child-free friends too and I LOVE spending time with them. Some of the replies on here are very odd 🤣 we aren't surgically attached to our kids & it's okay to want a night or 2 away from them. If there's SEN involved or single parent or rubbish dad/partner etc that's a whole different story. But I'd imagine most people have grandparents as a back-up too if a parent is totally useless. 🤔 I'm now approaching 50 & I can see certain friends looking around & wondering what happened to the lovely group of friends they used to have pre-kids who they pushed away when their kids were little & didn't make plans with & now their kids are older teenagers they have few friends left to go on lovely trips with etc. Very sad. One of my gorgeous Uni friends has a terminal cancer diagnosis & 1-2 yrs left to live (she's 48) so I say life is too short to make flimsy excuses & not enjoy yourself when you can.

YABU. I couldn’t leave my daughter aged 3 as she couldn’t cope with anyone putting her to bed other than me. And unlike some people (who judged me) I’m not ok with putting my kid through that distress for my own wants.

She’s now 7, likely autistic and has severe separation anxiety so I can’t leave her at all. If my friend didn’t understand that and was posting about it on Mumsnet, I’d be so upset and hurt.

I don’t really understand what you’re looking to get out of this thread OP?

Are you going to go back to your friend and tell her a load of complete strangers wouldn’t have a problem so why has she? Are you looking to justify your disappointment by ingraining a sense of injustice?

That’s not particularly ‘great’ friend behaviour either.

I'd come because I'd want to feel like a human being who exists outside of motherhood and I would imagine this is hopefully (for you) a once in a lifetime kind of thing. I'd probably say no if I was a single parent however.

@Anonymouslyposting a lot of what you say resonates with me.

Under 3s are really hard work. Basically I didn't want a weekend away enough to then have to solo parent another weekend which I would feel like I needed to offer my DH.

Now that my youngest is 4, I am more relaxed about it but I do tend to take the kids to my parents if my DH is going away because it is nicer to have another pair of hands.

I think some of it also depends on whether weekends away with friends were a big feature of your pre child life. In my 20s, hen dos were generally nights out, not weekends away so I don't especially think of that as the norm.

deffo not like me - I’d love the time away 🤣 got a 4.5 year old and 3 year old and I had 5 nights away this year and loved every minute!!!

Wow - some of the responses are so harsh in tone! The OP asked for opinions, she got them! Maybe the OPs idea was abit unrealistic but clearly looking at the OP's update there is more to this. OP clearly makes time and puts effort into this friendship, friend often bringing her children along when they meet up etc but her friend cannot even make time for a few hours dinner 1:1 a couple of times a year! Instead of a weekend away, maybe something during the day would have been a better idea but it doesn't sound like her friend makes much effort back.

Exactly. Though, I didn't breastfeed either so we were both the same in that regard too.

You don't imagine it...you pick one.