Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

But I don't think I know anyone with a three year old who has never left them for a night!

I've left my seven year old once. To have my three year old.

I don't judge people who do, I just think everyone should be able to decide for themselves.

It's personal choice, but I was comfortable leaving mine at that age.

Bluntly, if you don't have DC and she does, there is every likelihood that you place more value on a friendship than she does.

Pre DC my friends were my world. Now I love them just as much, but I just have so little capacity for anything or anyone outside of work and kid stuff. I'd love to, I miss the old days, but that's just how it is for now.

But that poster was replying to the situation of the op who did mention a dad, if her situation was different (as in parenting alone) she should have clarified that because that would put a whole different slant on it.

Actually that is not my experience of MN.

Mostly women are made to feel really bad if they can't cope with 3 nursery aged kids and a fulltime job while their OH goes to a week-long stag-do in Mexico

OP you should gather up all the “cool wives” and those pesky, good for nothing child free people from this thread and we will all come to Paris with you

oh dear...

The man married to the OP's friend has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the MN poster giving her own opinion 😂😂

Unless that man has a double life, but even for MN that's stretching things a bit too far.

I wouldn’t have left mine at that age, in fact the longest I’ve ever left them is 3 nights and they are now 9 and 12! Despite being previously very independent and relaxed and travelling alone all the time for work pre kids I now get really anxious flying abroad without them.

I think that while many would be fine about leaving them for a few days, others would really struggle for various reasons and both reactions are understandable. I understand it’s disappointing but you wouldn’t want her to feel miserable or pressured while she’s there. Could you do a day trip spa day with her instead and go to Paris with the other friend?

I'm already in Paris but will come out for drinks with you!

I've only read your posts OP, which suggest you're getting a bit of a rough ride here. It's not unreasonable to ask your friend to go away with you for the weekend.

As hard it is, try not to take her response too personally. Some people's kids need more attention than others, some mothers don't want to leave their kids for a night or more and some mothers may want to go, but don't have a responsible adult to leave their kids with (usually because they married a man child).

I don't think either of you are wrong, but you just want / can give different things to the friendship right now. I would try to keep this woman as your friend, but accept she's not the sort who can go away with you and will probably continue to be the sort who brings her child along to many outings. Enjoy whatever time you do get to spend together and seek out other friendships as well.

not at all, it was about a woman being comfortable with leaving her children to go abroad for a couple of nights. It's allowed to trust your husband/ mother/ sister with your kids completely, but still not being ok with leaving the country isn't it?

I know women aren't all the same, but if all women did feel the same as you, wouldn't that basically mean no weekends away with friends ever once you've had children? Or at least, none for 20 years until they've all grown up?

I would be very surprised if a man felt this way.

why the need for the "good for nothing child free people" comment?

Talk about derailing a thread and adding some inflammatory comments to play the victim card when you don't agree with someone.

My kids are just turned 3 and 8 months so I can’t exactly speak for when one of them is 7 but personally I’ve only ever left the 3 year old overnight once - to attend a wedding. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with leaving kids that age and I’m sure my DH would be fine but I just don’t want to. Having kids is weird because one minute you’re begging for some time without them hanging off you then the next you miss them desperately.

I think some people are also just better at looking after their kids solo than me - neither my DH nor I have ever had both of them (r one of them now I think of it) alone for a whole weekend yet. Of course either of us could do it (once I stop breastfeeding the youngest) but it would be really, really hard work and I’d be knackered by the end of it. Single parents and people with different circumstances clearly make it work (hats off) but honestly I just don’t want to if I don’t have to - and I’m sure my DH feels the same.

And as for “owing” each other, which you seemed surprised another poster felt they would do, I would 100% feel I owed my DH if he took the kids for the whole weekend on his own. I’d feel obliged to do similar for him and, unless there’s an excellent reason, I don’t want to.

My view is that while I have young kids there just won’t be as much time for fun with friends, particularly weekends away. I need any spare time to ensure that DH and I do things together to try to make sure we still vaguely remember/like each other away from being parents. I’m sure I’ll lose some friends as a result and that’s sad but ultimately the family is more important. It’s just a season and then I can have fun for me again and miss family fun instead. Others do it differently and fair play but I don’t care which is normal and it sounds like your friend feels the same.

Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3

At seven I would have left any of mine with my husband for that long. But only once or twice a year, so it would have to be for something that was v high up my priority list.

At 2 ('nearly 3') - no way! They wouldn't have coped.

It's frustrating for you. But unfortunately your friendship is not a priority for her, her children are. No one ever goes on a weekend away unless they want to, and for whatever reason she would rather stay home with her children.

I couldn't leave my children either as unfortunately their father is completely useless and would not care for them adequately. I'm sure they'd survive but they'd have a miserable time. My wish to go away with friends doesn't override this issue. It could be something similar with your friend. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Don't take it personally. Life can be extremely difficult with children if you don't have a decent co parent

Because there was a post above that says those without children couldn’t possibly understand

Would you still think she’s not a good friend if she’s making an excuse if she can’t afford it, which you acknowledge may be the case? If so, I don’t think it’s worth potentially getting into a bit of debt or at least a financially tricky few months as a result of a weekend for a what is essentially a hen party. Best friend or not.

Newsflash...men are not the same as women

That was in response to @MargotBamborough

Who cares if a man feels this way? I know my DH doesn’t like leaving the kids overnight but even if he and every other man we’re fine with it why does that mean every woman has to be?

To be fair, I didn't understand before I had children. I'm sure lots of people don't. You imagine you will have a decent partner who will love and care for your children. You imagine your children will sleep at night etc.

In what way?

The only thing my husband can't do with our children is breastfeed them.

I think that the reasons why so many women aren't OK with it but most men are merit a little reflection, that's all.

I would not leave my 3 year old, no. Not even being a few hours away like you suggested. So maybe leave her alone and stop stressing her out by making her feel bad for not wanting to leave her child.