Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

Haven’t read tft, but you can’t judge your friend by anyone else’s bar here. There are a hundred reasons that she could have, some might feel justified to you and some might not but ultimately she’s said no for reasons that are good to her. She’s clearly not comfortable or enthusiastic about the idea.

Don't be that friend who starts with emotional and/or judgey manipulation because they don’t like someone else’s boundaries to force them into doing something. Just accept what she’s said at face value and either continue the plans with someone else or work out new ones with the friend you want to spend time with.

I’d bet that this is about her partner not being able to cope on their own (and her coming back to the fall out / not wanting to expose her children to dysfunctional parenting). Could be able money too. I have plenty of friends with 3 year olds who go away for a weekend. I don’t (for more than one night) as my partner can’t cope.

I do, 99% of the time...though I'm beginning to wonder whether she actually values our friendship like I do. So thanks for the clarity!

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be leaving my children of that age for that long.
I'd be terrible company.
I suspect its the same case for many mums.

I know other people don’t think this way, but there is also a difference going away somewhere that you can quickly drive back and crossing a border that could conceivably be closed. It might be incredibly unlikely that your return would be barred, but Covid should have reminded us that it is always a possibility that going abroad is a risk. Being in a separate country from my child young child would make me nervous.

so maybe one night locally would be more palatable than a weekend in another country.

I went away when ds was 8 months old for 4 nights to NYC...dh coped admirably. And this was before mobile phones. I phoned him once to say I'd arrived safely.
I had annual trips away all through their childhood...as did he. No issues.

I find that it's helpful if one reads all the Op's posts...

no, the poster whose post was quoted did not mention a dad at all.

I have kids much younger than that and will come to Paris with you, as much as I love my children my DH is more than capable for looking after them for a few nights

I've also never been on an overseas trip without my husband in almost 50 years, apart from going to my brother's funeral in Australia with my Mum

So you have been on an overseas trip without your husband then?

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable, nor do I think the friend is being unreasonable. The fact that the friend won't go locally for dinner without her child should have given some indication of the answer to an overnight away though. That's her decision and her prerogative.

I do think many of these posts show just why there are so many unhappy women though. Poor dh having to look after his children at the weekend, having to 'owe' your dh time if you go out, children unable to cope without mum there, too much for one person.... etc etc. all this stuff is just buying into the premise that women have to do it all and men can't manage 🙄 It's totally possible to have a balanced, happy life when you have a family whether you are female or male.

I missed out on lots of things when my boys were small, but that's because we were skint and that's exactly what I would have told my friends.

I think it's really hard for both of you OP. Plenty of women could leave a two year old, but lots couldn't - because they know (likely from previous attempts to go out) their child would be really distressed.

Multiply that by 3 nights and it starts to feel that it could have a significant impact on the child's wellbeing. I am in my 50s and can still remember feeling really anxious when my parents went away for a week when I was about 6 or 7! It would also be pretty grim for the parent left to deal with the distressed child for that length of time.

It's really hard for you but ultimately all you can do is ask, and then accept the answer I think, and try to understand what might be going on in her head. If you can, try not to be too resentful - I really do think that if she thought she could without doing damage of some kind, she would gladly accept.

I do understand that, because so many relationships are profoundly unequal, you might feel that there is something else going on, and that she's protecting the father from having to do some actual parenting. Do you think this is the case?

I have a 5 year old and 11 month old. There's no way I would leave my children for that long. Even if they could cope that long without me, I could not cope that long without them. I could not imagine that desperation and anxiety to get back to them quickly if anything were to happen while I was not there. Sorry, YABU in thinking she is not "normal".

I find it's helpful to read the post that the reply was actually written about, not everything is a direct reply to the OP, sometimes people comment on what someone else has said... That's why people bother quoting the post in question, it couldn't be any clearer 😉

No I was and still am married to the same man,father of my children. We preferred spending time together as a family or a couple.

I still saw my friends during the day etc but never wanted to go on holiday with them.

I would leave in a second. Mine are younger and I travel for work regularly. As does DH. We can both parent all three alone.

I understand your frustration. It may be she thinks it's too expensive/doesn't fancy it for whatever reason and it's an excuse? Or she's just not comfortable leaving her kids. But I don't think I know anyone with a three year old who has never left them for a night!

Sorry to say but I’d question the same thing as jiI have.

Do you have kids?

I'm thinking not.

Maybe that will readjust how you see her 'lack of reciprocation'.

Honestly, get over yourself. She's got kids. Trying to compete for attention or saying she's not giving you enough isnt a good look.

You have…

As I say, read the OP's posts. You'll find it helpful before composing one of your entertaining posts.

I do trust DH with DS and always did. He was often better with DS when he was small than I was.

Did I want to leave DS with him overnight whilst I went out? No. Because I didn't feel comfortable and I wouldn't have enjoyed it.

DH would have been very supportive if I'd said I'd wanted to. I wouldn't have to ask permission.

Would DS have been fine? Yes.

I just wasn't happy and ready to do it. For anyone. Not because I didn't care, but because it was too much for me.

Yes, that is a lot to ask. I'm sure she would love to go away with you but just like your wedding is the biggest focus/ important thing in your life right now so are her kids to her. You two are just in different places in life and that's okay. I'm sure she would be supportive/love to help you celebrate in a different way.

I'd prioritise other friendships she doesn't sound like a good friend. I'd probably try and back out of having her at the wedding too. Invite someone who is a good friend . It seems crazy that out of 16 people a quarter of the guests are this friend and her family but she isn't interested in planning a trip in lieu of a hen do.

The first part yes, the second part no. Uninviting her would be incredibly petty. And one day OP May find herself in her friend's position and understand a bit better (or not - there isn't a right or wrong). But to uninvite someone from a wedding because they can't come to your overseas hen party it very unreasonable.

I recently had to say no to a good friend's hen party and wedding. Wedding was on a school day and would have meant either taking our son out of school without permission, or me going on my own and my partner taking 2 days off work which may not sound like a big deal, but being self employed would have cost us £400. Looked at getting a babysitter but that too would have been incredibly expensive as would involve her taking a day off the day job plus an overnight stay. Going to the hen do would have cost at least a grand and bearing in mind we had to cancel our own holiday this year due to money issues, nope. Put myself in her shoes and though I was sorry I couldn't go, I couldn't justify the cost to our family.

Of course, I told my friend none of this, just a sorry we can't make it. I think you need to cut her some slack. You could always invite someone else.

My best friend from my single days dropped me like a hot potato when I had kids. It is hurtful but your priorities do change so I don't resent her for it.

Definitely think the 'people with no kids having no clue and not understanding different priorities kids bring but this doesn't mean valuing a friendship less' thing is going on here.

I agree with a lot of this.

I only got to have what were, by UK standards, short maternity leaves. And my job involves a fair amount of travel. I had to do one overnight stay a week after I started work again after my first maternity leave, when my son was still breastfeeding through the night. I had to pump milk on a construction site and in my hotel room before and after dinner and before breakfast. I went on two Monday-Friday transatlantic work trips, one when my son was 11 months old and one when he was 13 months old. So because I had had to do these things without much real choice in the matter, and my husband had had to cope, I knew we could all cope. That gave me the freedom to have a couple of much needed weekends away with my friends, which my husband fully supported and encouraged. It was actually my husband who had never spent a night away from our children until very recently.

Meanwhile my friend, whose son is 6 weeks older than mine, can't even go for a child free brunch on a Saturday due to her partner's learned incompetence and her son's expectation that she will be around all the time. So she brought her two year old along to the supposedly child free brunch I had left my own two year old at home to attend, and my other friend and I ate our own meals while hers sat untouched and congealing because her son could not cope with not being the sole focus of her attention for even a minute, and when I'd finished my meal I volunteered to take him outside in the pushchair for a little walk so she could eat her meal in peace. It was eye opening.

Each to their own and all but I’m surprised by some of the responses on this thread. I understand people not feeling comfortable leaving very tiny children who won’t necessarily understand where mum is but there does seem to be a bit of neediness from some posters who say they could ‘never’ leave their child, that their child wouldn’t cope without them or that they think it’s weird to be comfortable leaving a child overnight to pursue a leisure activity. At times it has read like they think they love their child more than someone who spends the odd night away and leaves the children in the care of their other parent.

Surely a key part of a parent’s role is to model personal boundaries and expectations, physical and emotional self-care and building and maintaining relationships with a circle wider than just immediate family?

I can’t help thinking that some posters on this thread are going to be very lonely and unfulfilled when their children hit their teens.