Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

This is a good post.

Funny how 'no means no' and 'no is a complete sentence' are fine in some contexts and not in others. I wouldn't leave my children overnight for a leisure activity. I wouldn't sit around thinking how terrible a mother was who did, but I would think it 'weird.'

@Whattodo17xx

As far as I'm concerned, I make lots of effort with my friend. Kids are 99% of the time in tow with her which is fine. But is it not ok to request some 1 on 1 time with my friend as well? I don't want to talk about children all of the time, I want to enjoy her company.

I haven't yet read the whole thread so may have moved on but I just wanted to add on this point.

I do see my friends 1on1 but conversation can be hard. My son is younger (18 months) but often apart from work I have always been with my toddler so I don't have many other topics of conversation - happy to admit this makes me a bit sad. So I end up being quiet

I know it's just a stage in life and my friends get that too. As he gets older and needs me less I will have more time for me and conversation about something other than children

I don't like leaving my kids. I would do it for a best friend but would rather not.

@lavendersbluedillydilly12

Funny how 'no means no' and 'no is a complete sentence' are fine in some contexts and not in others. I wouldn't leave my children overnight for a leisure activity. I wouldn't sit around thinking how terrible a mother was who did, but I would think it 'weird.'”

why would you think it weird ?

@Whattodo17xx I would 100% go with you (my kids are 5 and 2). Everyone is different. I need time to myself to stop myself going crazy, as while I love my DDs more than anything on Earth, I need time for me. My husband is thankfully also very capable. I also don't want my DDs to become entirely reliant on me. Little DD is a mummy's girl, but when I'm not there she's actually absolutely fine, as she's experienced time when I've been away. Each to their own, but I personally wouldn't like to not be able to go away! I guess your friend is different to me, or her husband isn't very capable.

You think a mother that would leave her kids in the capable hands of their dad for a leisure activity is "weird"? What kind of men are you marrying ladies that you can't trust them with their own kids!

It’s so normal. 3 year olds are needy. It could end up being more stressful than fun for her. It depends how used they are to her being away and by the sound of it she doesn’t go away often which is normal considering her little one is 3.
I understand it’s frustrating for you and if I was her I would probably suggest just one night away but I get her too.

I personally think it's a bit odd also.
All of my friends and I love to get away, especially if it's something lovely like a celebration.
You're giving plenty of notice and it's not like a wild weekend (given that it's just you two).

I would feel a bit sad that she wasn't up for it tbh!

I think 1-2 nights is fine, but does it need to be overseas? I might have drawn the line at that when ds was very young.

I think the first time DH and I both left ds was when he was 4. That was with my mum for a night in the UK. I think the first time we left him to go overseas on our own was when he was 9.

I do think kids should be fine with their dad for a night. Or indeed their mum if their dad wants to go away with a mate. But it will depend on the kids.

Edited: maybe her DH will also moan if she dares to expect him to look after his own kids on his own for a weekend.

Maybe she doesn't trust her DH to manage both DC on his own for a weekend. I used to very happily leave my 2 DC with MiL and have a lovely romantic week away with DH without them. We together with in-laws also had a 2 week family holiday.

totally normal. I guess it also depends what support system you have. I do not have wider family so was never able to leave the DC anywhere else other than nursery. I wouldn't have wanted to leave a 3 year old and a 7 year old to fly out to a different country. I think I have some friends who had grandparents who regularly had the DC overnight and they would have found it easier as they are used to it in a way. But yes, completely normal in my book and I am very easy going.

My guess is that it’s not really about leaving her kids. Maybe it’s the cost, maybe it’s that her husband doesn’t want to take annual leave for it, or any other reason……. but she doesn’t want to go and so saying she can’t leave the kids is an easy excuse.

Well, quite. But then on MN loads of dads are useless.

And many parents are incredibly needy themselves, in terms of needing to be needed; hence why they rush out and get a dog when their kids leave home.

I not left my seven year old over night yet. I certainly wouldn't at three ...saying that I known some mother's who have. There's no right or wrong here and your friend is not wrong for not leaving them and she is not ott.

I think you sound lovely and I would love to be asked. Money is a separate issue. I had kids young and with a big gap so would’ve had no experience of life other than motherhood if I didn’t do the odd trip away with friends or husband which made me feel like me and reset to be a good present parent. 3 nights would be my max. Kids loved being left with dad or grandparents. I was a sahm so didn’t feel guilty about them not having time with me

I left my 3yo for the first time for 3 days and it was stressful for all of us. I only did it because I was attending a funeral. I would not have gone on an optional trip.

3yo didn’t have a diagnosis at the time, but did turn out to have additional needs which I know contributed to our situation.

it is still ok for any parent to say that it is too soon to leave for a discretionary trip.

I am Eau de Javel

nowhere did I say that.

@Whattodo17xx my DH and I went to Venice for 5 days when my children were 7 and 2. My sister was looking after them so I knew they were in good hands plus they were both pretty independent characters so I didn’t worry that they would be heartbroken without us. In fact, my youngest never even spoke to us on the phone when we rang every evening at teatime. He was having too good a time with his cousins and usually playing football in the garden! Every time we rang, he said he’s too busy to talk!! Can you imagine?? Anyway, the break did us good and we felt better for it and the kids were none the worse for it. However, there are mothers who won’t leave their children and there’s no right or wrong, it’s just the way they feel. We all know our own children and know if they will cope ok.

I don't think it's normal not to have any time away from them at this age and it's also good for husbands to look after them on their own. We've always had weekends away without the kids, separately and together. It absolutely kept me sane when the kids were little, to have a time when I didn't have to worry about them for a couple of days!

I don’t understand women not wanting to leave their kids for a couple of nights, or worse, not wanting to leave them with their father because they don’t trust him/don’t want to ‘owe’ him (this is particularly mental).

I left mine at four months when I had to go away for work, but these children are three and seven. If you can’t leave them with their dad at that age, I’d think you were either too enmeshed or a mummy martyr-type.

nowhere in the post did she mention the dad, funny how you jump on something that isn't even there. It was all about the mum and her own feelings, but you are making it into a man's thing.

Why is that?

Most people I know will leave young dc for a weekend with their dad or a grandparent. Could she be making an excuse because she can't afford it?

I'd prioritise other friendships she doesn't sound like a good friend. I'd probably try and back out of having her at the wedding too. Invite someone who is a good friend . It seems crazy that out of 16 people a quarter of the guests are this friend and her family but she isn't interested in planning a trip in lieu of a hen do.

What did you do for her hen do? I bet she got all your attention when it was her wedding?!

Totally understand where your friend is coming from. Also understand that you cannot understand how she might be feeling. Respect her choices if you value the friendship. Her kids come first above everything else.

She did mention the dad, who was supposed to be looking after one of the children when they were going out for dinner and said it was fine but the friend insisted on bringing the child out for dinner anyway. Which is MENTAL.