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Original poster

Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

1000 replies

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 10:19

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 02/10/2023 14:03

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 12:37

Really? you cannot think of a single person who can't afford a weekend away, who has limited funds and would rather spend them on a family holiday?

You cannot think of a single person who actually enjoy spending time with their kids? Some of you are so depressing.

Show quote history

I’m childfree so obviously don’t understand, but if you have kids you are with them most of the tIme anyway. What is one weekend away in the great scheme of things?

WongWifi · 02/10/2023 14:04

There’s no way I’d leave my child at that age. Each to their own.

JustAMinutePleass · 02/10/2023 14:04

Vistada · 02/10/2023 14:00

Can I guess?

You "never ask for anything" in the friendship, you've "bent over backwards" since you were friends and just once you'd "like to be made a fuss of"

Am I close? I've always wanted to win unreasonable wedding demands bingo.

OP - doesn't matter what we think, she doesn't want to leave them , so she shouldn't. If you want to go to Paris that badly, pay for them to come with, I'm assuming you were paying for friend to go anyway since it was YOUR idea to celebrate YOUR wedding....right??

Why should OP, for her hen do, pay for her friend to have a family holiday?

Vistada · 02/10/2023 14:05

Thattwinthing · 02/10/2023 14:02

I wouldn’t want to leave my 5 year olds for that long and I’d also not want to spend that much money on a weekend just for me, when probably for the same amount we could have a lovely weekend away with my partner and kids all together. But we really don’t have a lot of disposable income so other may think different.

This.

Friendship groups of people with and without kids can often come unstuck in situations like this. The No Kids naturally have a bit more disposable income to spend on themselves so plans proposed can often reflect that whilst the With Kids naturally would rather use that money (if its there) on the little ones.

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 14:05

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 13:55

When you work and have small children the time you get with them is precious

the time you get for yourself is also precious.

but not everyone "needs" it or want it.

What's wrong with being very happy with doing things as family, or along your child for a few very short years?

There's no lack of time before kids or once they are old enough to want to stay with friends when you have nothing but time for yourself.

The friend seem to be struggling, but why the need for some posters to call anyone a martyr or worst because they just can't be bothered to go on a hen night abroad?

Gigi70 · 02/10/2023 14:06

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 13:55

When you work and have small children the time you get with them is precious

the time you get for yourself is also precious.

I agree with this and sometimes put my little one to bed at 7 then catch up with a friend for a drink or even dinner afterwards.

But when you work all week and have kids in childcare from say 8-6, and then they go to bed early, the weekend (when they are awake) might be even more precious to some. Of course, one weekend away isn’t going to do the kids any harm and they can still have a great time with their other parent or a family member etc, but many would still rather spend their weekend with their child, despite really valuing their own time too.

Vistada · 02/10/2023 14:06

JustAMinutePleass · 02/10/2023 14:04

Why should OP, for her hen do, pay for her friend to have a family holiday?

Show quote history

Because the OP really wants her friend there by all accounts. This is a compromise.

Why should the friend be thought of as weird for not wanting to break a boundary for a holiday not of her choosing

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 14:06

Vistada · 02/10/2023 14:00

Can I guess?

You "never ask for anything" in the friendship, you've "bent over backwards" since you were friends and just once you'd "like to be made a fuss of"

Am I close? I've always wanted to win unreasonable wedding demands bingo.

OP - doesn't matter what we think, she doesn't want to leave them , so she shouldn't. If you want to go to Paris that badly, pay for them to come with, I'm assuming you were paying for friend to go anyway since it was YOUR idea to celebrate YOUR wedding....right??

So you're saying the friend was lying about not wanting to leave the kids, and really its only the money, and she can go just fine if OP pays for everything?

But for some reason, even though you calling the friend a liar, its still somehow all OP's fault, and you;re having a go at her.

Funny that.

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 14:07

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 14:05

but not everyone "needs" it or want it.

What's wrong with being very happy with doing things as family, or along your child for a few very short years?

There's no lack of time before kids or once they are old enough to want to stay with friends when you have nothing but time for yourself.

The friend seem to be struggling, but why the need for some posters to call anyone a martyr or worst because they just can't be bothered to go on a hen night abroad?

Show quote history

Who said there was anything wrong with it? I didn't.

Vistada · 02/10/2023 14:09

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 14:06

So you're saying the friend was lying about not wanting to leave the kids, and really its only the money, and she can go just fine if OP pays for everything?

But for some reason, even though you calling the friend a liar, its still somehow all OP's fault, and you;re having a go at her.

Funny that.

Show quote history

Thats not what I'm saying at all, I think the friend is being very truthful.

I think OP is unreasonable for calling her not normal for not wanting to leave her kids

and destination hen parties bug me. I could never ask my friends to fork out money to go to a holiday completely of my choosing.

But thats just me

"Please come to one of the most expensive cities in the world (that you may or may not want to go to) to celebrate me, and pay for it all yourself)

My suggestion to bring the kids was of course tongue in cheek.

Dulra · 02/10/2023 14:10

As others have said each to their own. I do leave my kids for one weekend every year when me and a group of friends go away for a weekend. We tend to go abroad. I have 3 daughters and I think my dh and the girls enjoy the time together without mum. They are older now but I have done it for years. Good for the soul and the belly laughs and does me the world of good. 2 nights would be my limit though yearning to see them after the 2 nights.

If your friend has never left them I can understand her anxiety around it. Maybe suggest one night at a spa hotel not too far away, that may suit her better and she might really enjoy it.

h1d1ng1npla1ns1ght · 02/10/2023 14:11

Oh wow, the responses on here are crazy. Some mothers would leave their kids at 7 and 3 for more than 1 night. Some would not. In my circle it is very normal to leave your kids with your husband for a night or two for very occasional events like this. My husband has gone away for work trips for weeks at a time and not thought twice about it. It shouldn’t be a big deal to leave your kids with their dad for a few days. If she doesn’t want to, whatever, but plenty of women do and it’s fine. You’re not a bad friend.

DevonMum123 · 02/10/2023 14:12

Very normal.
My little one is 5 years next month and I have never spent night away from her and not planning to unless it's family emergency etc.

There are things you can't explain and will only understand once you are parent..
I was like you before having child haha.

Gigi70 · 02/10/2023 14:12

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 14:05

but not everyone "needs" it or want it.

What's wrong with being very happy with doing things as family, or along your child for a few very short years?

There's no lack of time before kids or once they are old enough to want to stay with friends when you have nothing but time for yourself.

The friend seem to be struggling, but why the need for some posters to call anyone a martyr or worst because they just can't be bothered to go on a hen night abroad?

Show quote history

I agree with this. The thought of packing and thinking of all the logistics (for the trip and the stuff at home), then having a pretty busy weekend in Paris is the opposite of relaxing in my mind. Whereas if I stayed at home, we tend to have some chilled weekends too: nice walks, brunches, coffee shops etc. Takeaway with my husband after doing bedtime. I’d honestly prefer to do this but I don’t love Paris tbh so maybe this is why!

boscabosco · 02/10/2023 14:13

kittensinthekitchen · 02/10/2023 11:01

But is it not ok to request some 1 on 1 time with my friend as well?

Of course it ok to ask. Did anyone suggest it wasn't? Confused

,Likewise its okay for her to say no.

well actually @EaudeJavel suggested it wasn't; calling selfish and controlling for inviting her friend Paris. How weird some logic is.

Underestimated4 · 02/10/2023 14:13

I think it’s perfectly normal of her not to want to do this, it’s not a small ask in my opinion, financially, leaving her child, going abroad. It’s not just a night to a local city.

TiredMummma · 02/10/2023 14:14

Honestly it is so weird. Having kids doesn't mean you are suddenly meant to stop everything else in your life. It's unhealthy for the kids too, especially not to have a good enough relationship with their dad. The youngest kid is 3, not a baby! I've already left my 6 mo to go to a play, for a night out with a friend and for a class.

However, it is entirely up to her, I just personally wouldn't be her friend and would be rethinking inviting her to the wedding and invite someone who values your friendship instead!

staybyyou · 02/10/2023 14:14

I wouldn't go abroad and leave my kids (who are similar ages). I'm not particularly 'weird' and have left them overnight with various people but i don't really enjoy it all that much. Some of my other friends have been abroad for 1-2 weeks without their young kids, no judgement here, it's just different strokes. I would say don't make your lovely friend feel awkward about this as she will be feeling torn, just accept it and maybe discuss other options.

Anothershitusername · 02/10/2023 14:15

She dosnt want to go away with you
you don’t get to click your fingers and demand she goes away for a weekend with just because your getting married..

TanginaBarrons · 02/10/2023 14:15

100% all of what @Summermeadowflowers said. I just don't want to go away without my husband and certainly not abroad. We get little enough time together.

My 5 year old would also struggle at the moment. I've left her with husband and brothers for 4 nights and she's been fine but she's currently very insecure and clingy and this wouldn't work for her.

Glad you've asked here and hopefully you have some more perspectives now.

ittakes2 · 02/10/2023 14:15

This also might be her way of getting out of this because she a) doesn't want to do it or b) can't afford it or would have to forgo a family holiday to pay for it.
I left my twins at three to go to Machu Pichu in South American for 10 days as it has been a life long dream of mine and my sister was going. I arrived home desperate to see them and they were so engrossed in the book they were being read they just looked up quickly and said 'Hi mum' and went back to their story....

TiredMummma · 02/10/2023 14:16

Needeyebrows · 02/10/2023 10:26

My kids are 11, 13 and 15 now but I never wanted to leave them when they were younger. Didn't have anybody to mind them for a start but if I did I would have chosen to go away with DH and not a friend.

Perhaps she just doesn't want to go away with you.

I'm guessing you were a single parent at the time though, this individual isn't and her husband (presume their father) could have some bonding time with the kids.

Anothershitusername · 02/10/2023 14:17

It’s actually irrelevant weather it’s normal or not to leave your kids overnight.
the point is …she said no …no she doesn’t want to go ..
so end of discussion

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/10/2023 14:19

@Vistada

friendships do involve a bit of give and take from
both parties you know even if one is a mother
also no idea why you think op should pay for the whole trip

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 14:19

Vistada · 02/10/2023 14:09

Thats not what I'm saying at all, I think the friend is being very truthful.

I think OP is unreasonable for calling her not normal for not wanting to leave her kids

and destination hen parties bug me. I could never ask my friends to fork out money to go to a holiday completely of my choosing.

But thats just me

"Please come to one of the most expensive cities in the world (that you may or may not want to go to) to celebrate me, and pay for it all yourself)

My suggestion to bring the kids was of course tongue in cheek.

Show quote history

At least read the OP before delighting us with your thoughts.

The OP has not said her friend isn't normal. She asked 'Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.'

She's simply looking for the perspective from other parents.

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