Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

Mine are 7 months and 2.5 years....il come 🤣

I agree with this.

Unless I was often away with my family, I’d rather a holiday/mini break with my family, personally. Especially if money wasn’t in abundance.

Having a busy weekend on top of having two that age would wipe me out the following week. I use my weekends in part to reset for the following week by catching up on laundry etc. As well as the usual chaos of family life. I’d be well up for a spa day nearby so I can have an entire day child-free but still go home to them at night, even if they were asleep when I got back.

I wouldn’t leave my two year old for that long, either. Maybe one night for a sister’s hen do in this country and I’d still worry, despite my husband being very hands on and very capable of keeping on top of housework etc in my absence. I think it’s totally fine of course before anyone thinks I’m being judgemental - I just know I wouldn’t want to do it.

Unfortunately I’d say it’s normal… I felt the same as you before I had kids. Now that I have them there seems to be this new anxiety about leaving them… as much as I love a couple of hours here and there without them I couldn’t leave them for any longer than that

I would go (I have kids similar age) but being away from them and trying to have a fun time whilst missing them would be hard. I expect part of it is your friend not wanting to disappoint she might not be great company for the trip. Lots of parents feel self conscious that they aren’t the same fun person they used to be before kids and just wouldn’t make a good travel companion for a trip like this.

When you work and have small children the time you get with them is precious. YABU for thinking her boundary isn't OK - her life, her kids, her choice.

If you don't have DC it's really hard to imagine how much you'll love them and not want to leave them - I was shocked by how intense the feeling is, and I'd been TTC with IVF for years before having my DC so had plenty of time to research it. When DS was 2/3, I didn't want to be without him for more than a single day, it's normal.

I have an 8 & 5 year old. I am used to weekends and more without them because I'm single so their dad has them overnight. But I wouldn't have a weekend away abroad without them because I'd be worried about what if something happened and I couldn't get back, which is entirely possible given this summer's airport shenanigans. As well as the cost being an issue and knowing that I'll be wiped out the following week from tiredness.

My now ex would've played merry hell if I'd have wanted to go away for 3 days - regardless of the children's ages 🤷‍♀️

Could be something like that.

When you work and have small children the time you get with them is precious

the time you get for yourself is also precious.

@Whattodo17xx I would have said no too.

There could be all sorts of reasons:
Her DH is unreliable/drinks too much/will hold this against her/will find this too stressful.

Her DH will resent her for it and it's not worth the hassle.

She will want a summer holiday with family and can't commit herself to another weekend now that will rule out the weeks both side with her family (and presumably her DH can only take certain weeks off and won't know which ones yet).

She might be worried about what happens if she can't get back to the UK, or a child gets taken ill whilst she is away and she can't get home.

My advice - find somewhere closer

She’s being a bit OTT if it’s just a leaving the kids thing. Suspect there’s more to it - financial, shit partner?

I think she’s probably using it as an excuse not to go away with you. Assuming they aren’t disabled or have SEN. I have a 3 yo, he’s an only, and we still co-sleep, but even I have managed to leave him with DH for 2 nights.

Yeah, I know. But the daft martyrs all blend into one whole lot of nonsense, so what does it actually matter?

I don't think it is "normal" - but that's just going by what my friends are doing - lots of them are delighted to get away for a weekend! Ignore those ppl who are trying to make you feel bad (as feel like you're just trying to get a sense of whether you're being reasonable!). I'm mid 30s. I think though whether most mums would be comfortable leaving kids with dad for a weekend or not is actually irrelevant because she personally doesn't and having kids is the most personal experience you can have (I think...) i.e. it doesn't matter if everyone else does it one way, parents need to figure out what works for their family. Think you just need to accept that for her it's not doable at this stage of her life (bit pants for you but just the way it goes!). Hopefully she can spare an evening!! Good luck!!

I wouldn’t have left mine at that age and Dh wouldn’t have either. Weekends were family time and I’d have a day out but not overnight.

now dc are 9 and 11 and I have the odd weekend away with friends, once or twice a year. I still haven’t been abroad without them but that’s more for financial reasons.

I always made time to see my friends without the dc though. From about 3 months I was enjoying evenings out with friends.

I don't think YABU. But clearly it is a big ask for her. I would have jumped at the chance and have been away many times without kids. Longest was a week.
I have several friends though who have only this year gone away for more than a night without their kids. The youngest child is 7 for one friend and 12 for another.

It's lovely that you want to do this with her but maybe compromise. Could you do a night away within a couple of hours drive of her home?

Can I guess?

You "never ask for anything" in the friendship, you've "bent over backwards" since you were friends and just once you'd "like to be made a fuss of"

Am I close? I've always wanted to win unreasonable wedding demands bingo.

OP - doesn't matter what we think, she doesn't want to leave them , so she shouldn't. If you want to go to Paris that badly, pay for them to come with, I'm assuming you were paying for friend to go anyway since it was YOUR idea to celebrate YOUR wedding....right??

This thread just shows how different everyone is. Providing my DH had enough A/L he'd be supportive of me going and I'd be delighted to have a few drinks and proper catch-up with my friend without having to split my focus and worry about little ears! Mine are 5 and 2 and I went to visit a friend just a few weeks ago and was away Thu night to Sun afternoon 🤷‍♀️

this ^^ also could be the first full weekend she would have left them and be feeling anxious about it. Or not be able to manage more than one weekend holiday abroad as wants to use that to spend with her DH with/without the children.

she may be more receptive to somewhere closer/a day and one night away with you to celebrate rather than a full weekend in Paris.

I for one would snap your hand off for a girls trip to Paris child free 😂 but I remember feeling uncomfortable about leaving my first DS for a weekend away the first time I did it and had a lot of anxiety around it at the time

I definitely wouldn't have wanted to have left my kids like that - plenty of friends would and plenty wouldn't. I think both are "normal".

To be honest, I still don't really like the thought of a girly weekend - nothing to do with the kids because they're grown but I just don't relish going away with anyone apart from close family. Also normal.

@PerspiringElizabeth

Tbh DH has been away for about 30 days if not more this year, and yeah I do feel I am owed a trip or 2! But can’t find anything worth leaving the kids for 😄 and that is the paradox of motherhood hey!”

surely Paris would be worth it?! It’s an amazing city!

If she doesn't want to go to Paris, but you do want to do something special with her, suggest something else.

I wouldn’t want to leave my 5 year olds for that long and I’d also not want to spend that much money on a weekend just for me, when probably for the same amount we could have a lovely weekend away with my partner and kids all together. But we really don’t have a lot of disposable income so other may think different.

It sounds like she doesn't want to and doesn't have the guts to tell you the truth.

Reading through it sounds like the relationship is more important to you than it is to her. It's sad but not uncommon.

such an odd post

So harsh. She's allowed to expect something back from the friendship. Just because her friend has kids doesn't mean she gets to call all the shots. Also unreasonable wedding demands seems extreme, OP seems fairly low key in what she's looking for small wedding, weekend away with best friend.