Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

[Whattodo17xx]

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

While I take your point about not everyone having the same resources at their disposal, I've never understood the stigmatising on MN of women who dare to have any independent life of their own as 'cool wives'. And now we're to stigmatise them as 'cool mums' as well? It feels misogynistic to me.

Tbh DH has been away for about 30 days if not more this year, and yeah I do feel I am owed a trip or 2! But can’t find anything worth leaving the kids for 😄 and that is the paradox of motherhood hey!

My youngest child is 4 and I've not been away from her for a night.

She sleeps with me and still bf so that's one factor, although when I've been out on nights out she's been happy with dad.

However, I just wouldn't want to be away from her for more than one night. I would miss her and she would miss me.

My husband took our son, when he was 1 1/2, for a weekend away to the coast to see a friend (we live in Birmingham).

I stayed at home and relaxed over the weekend.

I was okay with that because I knew my husband is very a good father.

I think it also helped to know that it was all in the UK and I could be with them within a few hours in case of emergency.

Why are you so rude and trying to start a fight?

The reasonable answers to the OP should have been, "yes, it's "normal"for some/half the mothers but it's also "normal" for the other half to go away". Both sides are "normal".

Why the constant need to look down and abuse other women who are not you exactly? Does it make you feel better in any way? Are you feeling guilty of something you need to be so argumentative?

You have to have some issues somewhere for calling "inane" anyone expressing a different point of view.

As pp have said three is still quite little. I would also just keep at the back of your mind that this could actually be a husband problem, and not a leaving her children problem per se. Even if you think everything is fine and her husband says he is happy to have the kids in front of you, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she can leave them without consequence.

It may not be that she’s not giving you a second thought, but that she is overloaded with managing a complex situation at home. Hopefully not, but it’s worth considering and remaining supportive and curious about what’s going on for her, rather than assuming it’s about her feelings for you or unreasonable behaviour over the children.

Hope you manage to find a weekend to go away with her and have a wonderful hen do.

@LuckySantangelo35 not sure why you’re coming down on me there…. Anyway, I must be super mum because I prioritise(d) my DC when they were little and still do more they’re older teens, but I also do loads of stuff for myself as well amazingly enough 🤣

that aside, there are women who lose themselves in motherhood/being a wife and hold on to a narrative that suggests they and only they can manage to parent, even when there’s a Co-parent very much in the picture. I feel sorry for @Whattodo17xx ‘s friend if that’s her.

I would not have been okay with this for the younger child, although I may have been okay for the older child. Parenting is not optional once you're actually in it so I certainly would not have gone to a foreign country on what is a non-essential trip. Priorities.

The post i responded to was the rude one, with the "cool mums" nonsense and the attempt to completely change the discussion to suit themselves. It wasn't a different point of view, it was a lie.
the post was inane, and if you don't see that, so is yours!

I wouldn't like to promise something this specific a full year ahead, no matter the children. It might be a great weekend if everything clicks, but being solely responsible for your hen trip company is rather a big thing.
She might be considering having another child, she might need to use some time without the children for her work/further education/parents, many potential reasons why it doesn't make sense for her to commit now.

You misunderstand me. My point about the cool wives was not about the perfectly normal mothers who have childcare and can go happily go away, as normal as the mothers who do not want to leave their children to go abroad when they are little.

My point about the "cool mums" was the ridiculous posters trying to put down anyone who is doing things differently, and pretend that someone who prefers keeping money and holidays for family time can only be "martyring" themselves.

WHY would the so-called "independent ones" need to try to put down everyone else?

You have plenty of posters saying "I wouldn't let my own child so young, I wouldn't want to be in another country", why the need to ridicule and abuse them? What they do affect no-one than themselves, they did not express the slightest judgment about anyone else. It sounds like they somehow touched a nerve with some posters who went on massive rant about the "martyrs".

Regarding the OP, if the friend end ups with an unexpected child for a diner party, it's pretty obvious she is massively struggling. I feel sorry for her, I wouldn't be laughing at her lack of independence.

I would never have left mine. You are being unreasonable expecting her to.

I personally think I’ve had a few friends who are happy either going away for a few days and leaving their DC with their partner or ex partner, I’ve had friends who prefer just one night away, both scenarios are fine by me. I get that parents and DC miss each other if they’re away and nearly 3 is young to leave - older child should be fine.

I do think it’s ridiculous if you can’t meet your friend for dinner though, that either her DH or family or a sitter can’t mind children for a few hours. It does seem to be a thing though with some parents these days, not able to leave children for a few hours.

I babysat for a few families with children who were babies and upwards ages in the 80s and most parents happily skipped off for an evening out away from their children!

I don't think there is anything wrong with either of you but I understand where she's coming from. You said 99% of the time you see her with the kids, and you only ask her to spend time with you alone twice a year: her birthday and Christmas. That is lovely but also adds up to her spending a lot of time with you, with or without the kids. And, Christmas especially is a busy time of year for mothers, so if you are trying to get her to go out alone for lunch or dinner at that time of year, she probably would have to move mountains at home to make it happen.

Why is that? It could be, her kids are little. My kids would always get sick if I went away. It was strange. I think they found it very stressful when I wasn't there but I also think that there probably were little practical things too, like my husband making meals they didn't like (so they weren't eating properly), not remembering to put on coats, keeping them up late, and so on. Just things that would make their system stressed and make them predisposed to colds. And of course once they got a cold, then my week would be much harder because they were cranky, they might get an ear infection, then the schedule has to be changed to fit in a doctor visit, then you have to remember to give antibiotics, then you have to look out for making sure they don't get even worse (asthma, pneumonia, croup, etc), and so on.

Or, even if they didn't get sick, husband feels so virtuous for "giving you a break" that he doesn't do anything at all to help with the kids for the rest of the week.

So any kid-free time can really end up costing you later.

you realise all these posts are addressed to the same poster 😂

Keep going, I understand better why you are not making any sense.

The cost element and type of short break could be a factor though, maybe if you changed it to a less busy and cheaper break it’d go down better?

Haven't RTFT but is there a half way house? I did a lunch in Paris via Eurostar for a day with my friends for a special occasion. Checked in about 10 at St P, in Paris for 12 (1pm), did a lovely lunch, wandered, got back to SP about 7 (leaving Paris at 6), had champagne at the lovely hotel there. Home by 10. Depends on how close to London you are, but I left my local train station about 7.30am.

There is no "normal". Some women are comfortable leaving their kids, some aren't. Both are fine.
I couldn't leave my 3 year old. He's a big mummy's boy, a COVID baby and isn't used to being left with other. It's taken a while and he now does a few mornings at nursery happily and will go off to the park with some family when I'm visiting home but he couldn't cope a few nights without me. I went into the hospital to give birth to our second and was gone for 2 nights and toddler DS had an upset tummy the whole time I was away.

Just depends on the kids and the parents. It's understand to be disappointed but you can't force your friend to be away from her youngest if she's not comfortable

If it was a money thing, I’d forgive it.
In reality she is raising a mollycoddled mummy’s boy and she sounds just as insecure.

Normal here. I went to Barcelona for 3 nights with a friend in 2018, so my kids would have been 5, 7 and 10. They had a great time with DH for the weekend.

We went to Istanbul the following year for 3 nights. DH went to Sri Lanka to watch cricket with his Dad for his 40th birthday, which was also 2018, for 7 nights.

They have a perfectly competent other parent, so I don't see that they need both of us all the time.

What you are asking isn't unreasonable but it all depends on the person and situation. I would leave my children (4 of them 9 and under) for 2 nights for this type of situation and have done in the past but I wouldn't go abroad. I wouldn't fully enjoy myself incase anything went wrong ( I realise that's my own anxieties here). I've gone on local lodge type spa breaks where I could easily return home if needs be and really myself.

I have friends that regularly go on girls trips for a week at a time or away with partners without children but it's not for me. That doesn't mean any of us are abnormal it's just our own preference and boundaries. Good luck I hope you find a nice compromise. Perhaps a really special stay closer to home.

There are many reasons why I would say no to this. It shouldn’t matter whether her child is 3 or 13- if she doesn’t want to leave them for an unnecessary trip then she shouldn’t have to. I’ve said no to my own mums wedding which was taking place in Vegas as I couldn’t take my kids, nevermind a hen weekend.

Probably best plan TBH.

While you feel you re just asking it may feel like pressure to her especially if she under pressure from family for overnights or she may just not be that keen for some other reason.

So I think best plan find some euthanistic friends to go to Paris and have a blast and something very local for friend -though if even that is too much I'd suggest revaluating the friendship as you may have fundamentally slipped down in importance to her.

OP you're getting a lot of flack just for asking how people feel about leaving their kids - you're trying to understand your friend, not accuse her of doing anything wrong!

Like you I don't have kids, and my closest friends are now of an age with kids in toe. While my friends are the most important people in my life still, I am no longer the most important person in theirs. Sometimes it can really hurt, and a situation like this would be one of them - it doesn't seem like a huge ask from you to one of your closest and oldest friends, and should be something you'd both really enjoy. Unfortunately, their life has changed and it's no longer like that for them.

I think you're just going to have to square this one as impossible for your friend. As you'll have read, there's plenty of people who'd leave their kids, but also plenty that wouldn't, and I don't think you're likely to be able to change their minds. It's shit for you, but it's also a fair position from your friend.

I'd be thinking of doing a nice day-time lunch instead, and put that extra money to your honeymoon.