Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't leave kids for a few days with husband

1000 replies

Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 10:19

My friend and I are mid 30's. She is married with two kids. I'm getting married next year (no kids). Been friends since we were 8!

I am having a very low key wedding, max 16 people and would like to go away with my friend for 1-2 nights somewhere like Paris instead of a hen do next year. Just us two. Her kids will be 7 & nearly 3. Her husband works full time from home. I suggested going away Fri-Sun over the school holidays.

She has basically said no because her youngest wouldn't cope that long without her.

Is this normal for women not to want to leave their kids at this age? Having no kids it seems OTT to me but then again, I don't know what it's like.

AIBU to think she could easily have a few days away with me with a years notice?

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/10/2023 13:14

Seems very odd to me, i'd quite happily leave my kids for a short break like that but then me anf my husband have been away on holiday for a week without the kids. We have nights out/away from them most months, i go away with friends and he does the same.

I don't want to spend 24/7 with my kids or my husband 😅

LoveAutumnColours · 02/10/2023 13:14

My own husband would not have done this but wouldn’t want me to tell people so he wouldn’t look bad to other people. I’d have used similar excuse. I used to hire a friend’s au pair to watch my children so I could go to the gym on Saturday mornings - so DH could sleep longer. I worked. He also didn’t want me doing trips away - so all my business trips had to be day trips yet his to same place would be overnight. He just didn’t want to be responsible for the children (we had our own au pair so they did morning routine)

don’t get angry with your friend, you may not know whole story.

instead, ask what she is comfortable doing or what/how you can help to achieve an overnight away.

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 13:14

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 13:12

Reverse the thread... you will find plenty on this forum.

"I work full time from home, my husband has decided he's going away on Friday on a stag night so I have to work, do the full childcare on Friday and spend the weekend alone with no break. "

See how different the replies are.

I think you'll find a lot of them saying, "So when do you get a break?"

Which is fine, tbh.

I would happily facilitate a weekend away for my husband, as he has done for me.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/10/2023 13:16

@Whatwillnye

three year olds don’t need feeding every 3 hours in the night!

JST88 · 02/10/2023 13:16

Completely normal and natural, my little one would cry for me at night at 2 and wouldn’t settle with DH despite them having an amazing bond. Just the way it is when they’re little. It’s also a big ask asking someone who has two small kids presumably in childcare to pay to go to Paris

Worddance · 02/10/2023 13:18

It depends on the child and what they're used to. There is no normal. Mine would have been miserable and I wouldn't have done it for anyone's pleasure.

Findinganewme · 02/10/2023 13:18

If she’s never done it before, it can be quite hard.

maybe, she’s just not comfortable.

everyone is different. My friend went away for 5 days to celebrate her 40th, leaving her 1 and 4 year olds in capable hands. She’s fine with it. Other mums I know, just can’t settle or relax.

why not go to a day spa with her, followed by a meal?

Pugfin · 02/10/2023 13:19

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 13:12

Reverse the thread... you will find plenty on this forum.

"I work full time from home, my husband has decided he's going away on Friday on a stag night so I have to work, do the full childcare on Friday and spend the weekend alone with no break. "

See how different the replies are.

DH wouldn't just tell me he was going away, we'd discuss it like adults and have no issue looking after our own children without the other for the odd weekend/night. I don't mind it to be honest, pretty sad partnership for those who can never go away with friends because their partner doesn't want to parent their children alone (the horror).

annahay · 02/10/2023 13:20

I don't know what's considered normal- I imagine it differs for everyone. However an ex-friend of mine wouldn't leave his kids with their mum for an evening, let alone a weekend.

fearfuloffluff · 02/10/2023 13:20

For some two year olds, that would be too much. Three days without your mum is an eternity at that age.

There's also the case that if she was to have several nights to herself, it might be the first time since having kids - 7 years. I'm sure your hen weekend would be fun, but would another friend's hen be what you'd choose if it was the only weekend you had to yourself in 7 years?

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 13:21

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 13:12

Reverse the thread... you will find plenty on this forum.

"I work full time from home, my husband has decided he's going away on Friday on a stag night so I have to work, do the full childcare on Friday and spend the weekend alone with no break. "

See how different the replies are.

Giving a your husband/wife a full 12 months' notice for a planned weekend away with a friend is more than reasonable.

Only the odder members (not looking at anyone in particular) would take issue with this.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/10/2023 13:21

I feel quite sorry for your friend Op. her kids will grow up and not need her anymore and she’ll look around and realise that she has completely lost herself and all her mates

47times11 · 02/10/2023 13:22

As has been said before- everyone's circumstances are different. I would probably now go away for a weekend- IF I could afford to and IF it did not impact on my family holiday plans in terms of annual leave. But sorting all that out - DH arranging any leave he might need to cover it - the fact that I would be leaving a child with SEN who needs alot of day to day support - the fact that it would take up a large portion of a family holiday budget which I would not feel could necessarily be justified- etc etc etc etc means that I would be unlikely to go on a weekend away like that.

I am not a martyr mum and my DH isn't hopeless or reluctant. But the combined minor issues or what needs to be put in place would most likely mean that it's simply not worth it. Too much trouble, too expensive, too impactful on my sense of equilibrium, just all round too tricky.

That's okay. We don't all have a support structure behind us. We don't all have so much disposable income that we can on a whim spend a fair whack of money to go away multiple times a year (which is what it would be if we also wanted to get in a family holiday at some point). It's not that we are all bowed down by a feeling of pressure or a sense of controlling the dynamics within our family. Just sometimes someone else's plan ; 'Let's go to Paris!!' just doesn't work for us.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 02/10/2023 13:22

I have only read the first 5 pages but…. @Whattodo17xx surely you understand that you’re not here priority? Her DC are and always will be. That’s just how it goes as a parent.
FWIW my DC would have been absolutely fine with DH at that age and although I missed them when I was away with friends, DH is a brilliant dad and I had no qualms whatsoever about him being on his own with them for a few nights. However DD at that age would not have liked anyone else looking after her for a weekend so we wouldn’t have gone away together 🤷‍♀️ I’d have been pissed off with someone who questioned that tbh.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 02/10/2023 13:23

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/10/2023 13:21

I feel quite sorry for your friend Op. her kids will grow up and not need her anymore and she’ll look around and realise that she has completely lost herself and all her mates

This!

whatnot929 · 02/10/2023 13:23

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 13:07

it was bad enough with the "cool wives" but now we must have the "cool mums".

So yes, you were lucky to have the time, the funds, the support network to go away leaving your babies/toddlers/ children for days to go on holiday abroad.

Brilliant. If it was so great, why the need to look down and insult mothers who are not as lucky as you? Some of you are protesting a bit too hard on how easy and fabulous their independent life can be.

Oh stop it. We're not talking about people who want to and can't, we talking about people who are all "I couldn't possibly leave my precious darlings for 5 minutes, I actually care about my family".

Your comment is as inane as it is inappropriate to the discussion.

BTW.most of those things are not luck.

FrenchandSaunders · 02/10/2023 13:23

@LoveAutumnColours are you still with your DH?
How you managed to not explode with rage and resentment I don't know!

Needeyebrows · 02/10/2023 13:24

LittleMissUnreasonable · 02/10/2023 13:09

On MN you get posters like @Needeyebrows who are codependent on their husbands and can't imagine doing anything outside their family unit.
In the real world though OP, of course you're not being unreasonable. A weekend is hardly her abandoning the kids, and they have Dad at home. A lot of posters project their own clinginess onto their kids.

Your funny 👏😂

Grumpy101 · 02/10/2023 13:24

She may just not want to go, you know. I've said no to several girly weekends away. Just because we're friends, doesn't mean I want to give up loads of money and time to spend 3 whole days with them. I'd rather spend the time on husband/family/treats for myself.

ColleenDonaghy · 02/10/2023 13:24

Ah OP I feel for you. Truthfully, I was a fantastic friend pre DC and I'm a shit one now. I still love my friends to bits but between work and kids I only have so much left to give and sadly friendships are what suffer.

I could leave my DC, and I'd probably happily go abroad too, but:

  • DH is equally as capable as I am which sadly isn't the case in many families
  • my DC are equally as comfortable with DH as with me and no longer breastfeed

But

  • two nights in Paris is a massive ask in terms of time and money at this stage of my life. Pre DC it would've been nothing!
  • I'm so tired, the thoughts of a city break, god I just couldn't do it (especially with my childless best friend who would want to be on the go all day)
  • it's a massive ask of DH - I know this because he travels occasionally for work, and I really struggle!

Sounds like the balance just isn't working for your friend unfortunately.

Also, if she can't make a dinner, I don't know why you think she'd go away! Bringing a small child to dinner at 8pm is frankly insane.

Sausage1989 · 02/10/2023 13:24

My kids are almost 7 and I wouldn't leave them for more than a night and i would be very pissed off with a friend trying to pressure me to.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/10/2023 13:25

@AvonCallingBarksdale

have only read the first 5 pages but…. @Whattodo17xxsurely you understand that you’re not here priority? Her DC are and always will be. That’s just how it goes as a parent.
FWIW my DC would have been absolutely fine with DH at that age and although I missed them when I was away with friends, DH is a brilliant dad and I had no qualms whatsoever about him being on his own with them for a few nights. However DD at that age would not have liked anyone else looking after her for a weekend so we wouldn’t have gone away together 🤷‍♀️ I’d have been pissed off with someone who questioned that”

but OP’s mate’s kids would be looked after by their dad just as yours was not by someone else so what’s the issue?
oh and kids can be your priority but you still have to make room in your life for other stuff - friends, hobbies, exercise etc otherwise what kind of life is that?!

TheMurderousGoose · 02/10/2023 13:25

Sausage1989 · 02/10/2023 13:24

My kids are almost 7 and I wouldn't leave them for more than a night and i would be very pissed off with a friend trying to pressure me to.

The OP isn't applying any pressure

Original poster
Whattodo17xx · 02/10/2023 13:26

Sausage1989 · 02/10/2023 13:24

My kids are almost 7 and I wouldn't leave them for more than a night and i would be very pissed off with a friend trying to pressure me to.

Pressuring? I simply asked her. If I didn't ask her I'd be the bad friend for not including her. I can't win according to a lot of posters.

OP posts:
nutsnutspistachionuts · 02/10/2023 13:26

I'd gladly leave my 7yo for 2 nights but I probably wouldn't have when he was 2/3. Being in another country is a factor. At that age I'd have been fine with 1 night in the UK (max 3 hr drive/train ride home if emergencies?) - what would your friend think about London/Edinburgh/a UK spa break instead, say?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.